Asking adult child to pay towards household expenses

[Jack Kerouac]

I have the opposite problem. Our 33 year old daughter moved back home for two months as she is selling her house and did not want to deal with people touring her house while she is home. She's going back to school in Germany for three years. She is a Costco member. We have too much food. Why does a 33 year old woman living along buy a 3 pack of 44 ounce bottles of Heinz catsup? 2 five pound bags of oatmeal? 2 4.5 pound bags of chocolate chips? A 2 pound bottle of onion powder?

To sell on the streets?

 

[White Cat]

It is a she. Maybe someone figured that out from previous posts. She has been out of school and working for 3 years. Makes a little over 70k. Her accounts are still linked to mine. She has 15k between checking, savings, and a mm account. Her cc bills are 2-3k a month and she doesn’t have any bills that I am aware of. She has some friends and a boyfriend that work minimum wage jobs. She says they pay their way but I don’t believe it and she gets defensive. I don’t want to say to her that I know she’s pissing the money away because she gets mad. My husband and I are worried she will marry this guy who still lives at home and can’t keep a job. In the meantime I feel like I’m actually the one subsidizing these other grown adults. This has been going on since she turned 18 and started working so I don’t see how I’m going to change it. It’s good to hear from people not close to the situation. I know we all give a lot for our kids. I’m tired of giving a lot for other peoples kids. Maybe if I made her pay she would have less to spend on them. This situation sucks. I don’t know that having the “your friends are your friends because you pay for their good time” will help anymore now than it did in the past. Thanks for listening.

It’s an easy problem to solve.

 

[Jack Kerouac]

This is so common now its ridiculous. I get that the rent is too damn high and everything is unaffordable now and good jobs are much more scarce than people think.

When my kids turned 21 and were working full time they stared to pay their share of utilities and food.
Funny how these kids that stay home and mooch of their parents go on about people paying their fair share, but then don't want to pay their fair share. Typical....much easier to spend other peoples money.

To be fair..my kids work very hard.. harder than most IMO.. and go to school full time. One of them has two full time jobs and is going to school for a masters. Even making good money with two jobs, rent is still way too high - you have to eat and pay utilities etc... But when you are pursuing a degrees that wont pay more than the job you currently have it just does not make sense. They have this fantasy that "real" jobs are so much better - reality is they are not.

I have several friends and their kids live at home and they don't charge them. They also fund the kids vacations and are paying for doctorates and master degrees. It's ridiculous. They make me out to be a bad guy because I make them pay.


This was over 10 years ago...and it so much worse now:

The one thing we know is people are okay with higher taxes. Just for those above what they earn.

 

[tony67]

The one thing we know is people are okay with higher taxes. Just for those above what they earn.

Very true.

One other thing - the health insurance is also way too high. None of them get health insurance from their jobs so have to buy it in the marketplace...just wow. I keep telling them to do that math and if they worked less they would pay a lot less for the health insurance. The seconds jobs may not be worth it after taxes and lost opportunity etc..

 

[tony67]

I have the opposite problem. Our 33 year old daughter moved back home for two months as she is selling her house and did not want to deal with people touring her house while she is home. She's going back to school in Germany for three years. She is a Costco member. We have too much food. Why does a 33 year old woman living along buy a 3 pack of 44 ounce bottles of Heinz catsup? 2 five pound bags of oatmeal? 2 4.5 pound bags of chocolate chips? A 2 pound bottle of onion powder?

Well...its crazy but sometimes it cheaper.

May not be the case here but t's not unusual for me to get a three pack of something that cost the same as a one pack elsewhere.
The problem is you cant use it all and by the time you get to the third one its past the best buy date.

 

[Jack Kerouac]

Very true.

One other thing - the health insurance is also way too high. None of them get health insurance from their jobs so have to buy it in the marketplace...just wow. I keep telling them to do that math and if they worked less they would pay a lot less for the health insurance. The seconds jobs may not be worth it after taxes and lost opportunity etc..

Things we've noticed: per visit co-pays are up from $10 to $35 (about +$5 per year over the past five years), our oldest was seeing a specialist for his ADHD and they changed their payments from no co-pay to +co-pay, which effectively doubled our costs per annum, my wife had a job until boy number three arrived (born in March 2020) and just before that her work started charging a ton for spousal insurance benefits, as they wanted to push the costs onto other employers/households.

 

[abbyandangel]

It’s an easy problem to solve.

I love my DD and have put her first for 27 years. It doesn’t feel easy to solve. It hurts to think that her boyfriend is with her just because she can pay for everything.

 

[barkley]

i don't see anything wrong with charging an adult child room and board. my parents were clear that so long as we were attending school, if we chose to live at home it would be free of charge but beyond that we would be expected to pay room and board (granted, i don't think they ever considered any of us would pursue post grad degrees). i lived with my mother for several years after i graduated and reccognized i was responsible to meet this financial obligation.

op-has your dd EVER lived on her own and payed living expenses? it seems like many college grads have no clue on the realities of the costs b/c they were in dorms with bundled in meal plans/utilities/all inclusive and/or the parents were paying all the costs if they were in an apartment or shared housing. i know it was a real wake up call for my oldest when faced with seeing/paying the monthly utility bills, seeing how much groceries cost (esp. the odds and ends ingredients, spices, cleaning and hygene products that i always had on hand at home), learning the apartment complex required renter's insurance and how much it costs, getting the yearly lease renewal and seeing how much rent was going up .

i don't think you owe your dd any kind of explanation as to why you want to begin charging her-just that you and you dh have come to the decision that is IS TIME. you don't have to share your income and expense information with her (a landlord would not do so). you and your dh need to come to an agreement as to what is a realistic amount. i would not suggest it being crazy low b/c then it's not taken seriously and it becomes more of a gesture on your dd's part than an adult obligation. nothing crazy high but before you speak with her run the numbers on what you are spending on the household, keep in mind that you are providing food, utilities, laundry facilities, cleaning supplies, insurance (your homeowners is covering her as well), upkeep on the home...the figure may sound higher to her than she perceives renting on her own would cost but remind her of what is included. if she opts to stay, collect the room and board and do what you will with it (i'm not a fan of the saving it to give back to the adult child-then it's just mommy and daddy playing piggy bank). if she opts to go out on her own i suspect she will quickly learn that she has to curtail her expenses and her financial support of her bf/friends, in fact as she has to pay mandatory adult expenses and has less spending money she may tire of financialy carrying others (i've known many a young woman to ditch the boyfriend who did'nt carry his own weight when she reached the point of carrying her own fully and independantly).

 

[White Cat]

I love my DD and have put her first for 27 years. It doesn’t feel easy to solve. It hurts to think that her boyfriend is with her just because she can pay for everything.

Tell her as of Aug 1 room and board will be $2000 a month. Then go about your day. It’s that easy.

 

[tony67]

Things we've noticed: per visit co-pays are up from $10 to $35 (about +$5 per year over the past five years), our oldest was seeing a specialist for his ADHD and they changed their payments from no co-pay to +co-pay, which effectively doubled our costs per annum, my wife had a job until boy number three arrived (born in March 2020) and just before that her work started charging a ton for spousal insurance benefits, as they wanted to push the costs onto other employers/households.

Yeah - many times the employers choose to lower the benefits so that is why the copay goes up.
Also raising costs for the other members of the family, so they cover 80% of the employee and a small percent of the family members.
I've seen it all...the companies are in a tough spot because the insurance companies keep raising the costs - I find it hard to blame the employer. My employer did not increase the cost to employees for many years, but in the end had no choice.

I worked in health insurance for over 10 years before the requirement for everyone to have insurance came in. They were pretty awful then. Employees got a high deductible plan and a nice HSA. Most of the executives only had catastrophic insurance and the HSA.
So, IMO, the insurance companies new health insurance was a scam even then.

I am all for a free market, but when people are required to buy health insurance then there should be some regulation on salaries and profits for the health insurance folks. These companies are making money hand over fist. How many folks have the basic required plan that the government covers and don't use it as the deductible is too high?

We are sort of getting off track, but its a big factor to why kids cant move out IMO.

 

[jo-jo]

60 years ago , the moment I got a job I was expected to add to the household expenses. I was a few days out of high school when I got my first full time job.

Our kids , supported them through schooling, got job, started paying small amount.

Since this has been going on for a while, I'd do starting in July, 1 grand for a few months, starting Oct, $1500 -2000. If you feel guilty "taking" your child's money, after you get that vacation in, you can always stash some money away and when they move out, say here is $X amount so you can get something for home. Just typing that, the thought of buying a freezer and $500-$600 in grocery gift cards sounds like a great new home gift.

 

[Suger Mag]

Both my adult children live with my husband and I, we have a large rambling country house. My daughter is 23 and is going to college full time and works part time. She does not pay rent (college student). Her boyfriend of 2 years just moved in, and he is paying rent as he works full time as a mechanic. My son (28) moved back in about a year ago and has been paying rent for the last year. I asked my son and the boyfriend to each pay the same amount... 400/month. For that they get a room and a bathroom... access to the kitchen etc.

The rental market where I am in Massachusetts is pretty sparse. House prices are high. We have the space and this pays for the house taxes... plus I love having an in house 'Handy Sam'... my daughter's boyfriend Sam... who is MUCH more adept with tools than I or my husband, he is a great help.

 

[clh2]

Have a conversation with your child. I wouldn’t pull the rug out from under them with little or no notice.

Just tell him/her that at the beginning off the year or in 3 months (or whatever time frame makes sense) that you will be starting to charge them rent. The amount is $______, payable on the “whatever day of the month”. This will give them a little time to figure out if they like the new terms, or if they want to head out on their own, find a roommate or whatever.

Our daughter (an only child) was always given a soft landing when we made these changes. I.e. we paid off her car note when she graduated from college, paid her for her next 6 months of insurance. In part, this was our plan, to make sure she was separated from our insurance from a liability perspective if she started to let friends drive her car.

I’m bringing up the “only child” thing, because I do not need to figure out how to equalize things between siblings.

 

[Miffy]

I love my DD and have put her first for 27 years. It doesn’t feel easy to solve. It hurts to think that her boyfriend is with her just because she can pay for everything.

I've read through a lot of this thread and have come to these conclusions:

(1) Your daughter is taking outrageous advantage of you and your generosity yet somehow you feel bad about asking her to contribute to household expenses even though she's able to purchase a brand-new car and spend thousands a month on whatever she wants.

(2) You are enabling your daughter's carefree spending habits--something that will not serve her well going forward, unless you intend to keep subsidizing her forever.

(3) Your daughter makes $70K/year, which is more than many entire families live on. Unless you live in Midtown Manhattan or San Francisco or central London, your daughter makes enough money to get her own place and still subsidize her low-earning boyfriend.

(4) You love your daughter and your daughter and you are not on the same page about how she spends her money. This is making it difficult for you to say or do anything about the situation.

You have a choice in this matter--maybe it's not easy to make or to implement, but you do have a choice. You can continue with the way things are or you can do something about it.

It's time you put yourself first. That doesn't mean you don't love your daughter. But take care of yourself.

 

[barkley]

I asked my son and the boyfriend to each pay the same amount... 400/month. For that they get a room and a bathroom... access to the kitchen etc.

do they pay for their own groceries? that was a real eye opener for my oldest in their first place. i receved a few initial phone calls of apology 'for whining and complaining when you woudnt buy certain foods i wanted-i'm sooooo sorry mom, i had no idea how expensive the stuff is'.

i have to share-

i live near and grocery shop in a college town. the most AMUSING shopping trips take place the first month or so into the new school year-every aisle or so stands a freshman (or a newly undormed/first time apartment dweller on their phone (on speaker) lamenting to their mother about the cost of food-comments like 'how was i to know that hamburger helper does'nt come with the hamberger already in it? do YOU have any idea how much hamburger costs???' (mom's calm reply-yes dear-i do). 'tuna helper requires separate tuna to buy? why am i forced to buy a dozen eggs when i only want 2, a whole container of a spice when i only need a teaspoon.......moooooooooooom. then the moms calmingly recite the mantras they've been likely saying to prepare the kids before they left-'i know, groceries are expensive but it's still less expensive than eating out. think about how much you've spent just this week on pizza and to-go food. you are on a budget so plan what you will eat around your budget, look for the sales, look online for the coupons to clip.....

 

[abbyandangel]

i don't see anything wrong with charging an adult child room and board. my parents were clear that so long as we were attending school, if we chose to live at home it would be free of charge but beyond that we would be expected to pay room and board (granted, i don't think they ever considered any of us would pursue post grad degrees). i lived with my mother for several years after i graduated and reccognized i was responsible to meet this financial obligation.

op-has your dd EVER lived on her own and payed living expenses? it seems like many college grads have no clue on the realities of the costs b/c they were in dorms with bundled in meal plans/utilities/all inclusive and/or the parents were paying all the costs if they were in an apartment or shared housing. i know it was a real wake up call for my oldest when faced with seeing/paying the monthly utility bills, seeing how much groceries cost (esp. the odds and ends ingredients, spices, cleaning and hygene products that i always had on hand at home), learning the apartment complex required renter's insurance and how much it costs, getting the yearly lease renewal and seeing how much rent was going up .

i don't think you owe your dd any kind of explanation as to why you want to begin charging her-just that you and you dh have come to the decision that is IS TIME. you don't have to share your income and expense information with her (a landlord would not do so). you and your dh need to come to an agreement as to what is a realistic amount. i would not suggest it being crazy low b/c then it's not taken seriously and it becomes more of a gesture on your dd's part than an adult obligation. nothing crazy high but before you speak with her run the numbers on what you are spending on the household, keep in mind that you are providing food, utilities, laundry facilities, cleaning supplies, insurance (your homeowners is covering her as well), upkeep on the home...the figure may sound higher to her than she perceives renting on her own would cost but remind her of what is included. if she opts to stay, collect the room and board and do what you will with it (i'm not a fan of the saving it to give back to the adult child-then it's just mommy and daddy playing piggy bank). if she opts to go out on her own i suspect she will quickly learn that she has to curtail her expenses and her financial support of her bf/friends, in fact as she has to pay mandatory adult expenses and has less spending money she may tire of financialy carrying others (i've known many a young woman to ditch the boyfriend who did'nt carry his own weight when she reached the point of carrying her own fully and independantly).

Thank you for the thoughtful response.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

60 years ago , the moment I got a job I was expected to add to the household expenses. I was a few days out of high school when I got my first full time job.

Our kids , supported them through schooling, got job, started paying small amount.

Since this has been going on for a while, I'd do starting in July, 1 grand for a few months, starting Oct, $1500 -2000. If you feel guilty "taking" your child's money, after you get that vacation in, you can always stash some money away and when they move out, say here is $X amount so you can get something for home. Just typing that, the thought of buying a freezer and $500-$600 in grocery gift cards sounds like a great new home gift.

I considered doing this since our Ally savings account is now paying 4.2% interest but then I'd have to declare the interest as income. They are in a lower tax bracket than we are. Maybe that's a moot point.


OP, I would have a good sit down with your dd to talk about future goals and budgeting. I've never used it, but a lot of people on the Dis talk about the YNAB app, (You Need A Budget) to help see where money goes. Maybe, in her mind, finishing college and getting a real job has been a goal for so long and now that it's done she can coast for a while and focus on having fun. I did that too in my 20s. Then after a year, my parents started charging me rent, $400/month in 1992. I was so mad and said, "For $500, I could have a whole apartment!" So I moved out.

Anyway, my point is, just because one huge goal is finished, doesn't mean there's no need to set future goals.

Hopefully she is saving a good amount toward retirement. The hospital where I work used to offer a pension but in the early 90s they also offered a tax-sheltered annuity. I was trying to calculate how much to put in per pay so I asked, How much would my pension be worth? They couldn't even give an estimate. They just say there are many variables. I said, Will it even pay my cable bill when I'm retired? No answers. Worthless as teets on a bull.
So I started saving with their tsa and when they eventually switched from pension to 403b, the funds all merged together.
Dh didn't start retirement accounts until after we were married; my account has a LOT more than his. Not quite double, but close to it. He saves 3x what I do and will never catch up. Time is on her side. Hopefully she understands that.

 

[abbyandangel]

Have a conversation with your child. I wouldn’t pull the rug out from under them with little or no notice.

Just tell him/her that at the beginning off the year or in 3 months (or whatever time frame makes sense) that you will be starting to charge them rent. The amount is $______, payable on the “whatever day of the month”. This will give them a little time to figure out if they like the new terms, or if they want to head out on their own, find a roommate or whatever.

Our daughter (an only child) was always given a soft landing when we made these changes. I.e. we paid off her car note when she graduated from college, paid her for her next 6 months of insurance. In part, this was our plan, to make sure she was separated from our insurance from a liability perspective if she started to let friends drive her car.

I’m bringing up the “only child” thing, because I do not need to figure out how to equalize things between siblings.

I never thought about our liability with the car. She is on our insurance so she gets the discounts. She does pay me back.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

One thing to stress to kids: Freeloading, can't keep a job, boyfriends will turn into freeloading, can't keep a job husbands/fathers if they don't soon "see the light".
It has happened with extended family members and is just sickening. Enablers help because they can't stand to see the children suffer.

 

[White Cat]

I never thought about our liability with the car. She is on our insurance so she gets the discounts. She does pay me back.

Just hope she’s not letting people drive the car. I would remove her first thing Monday.