Asking adult child to pay towards household expenses

[barkley]

After not charging her rent for such a long time, I wouldn't present it to her as "I decided you should now pay rent" because she may think you are trying to get rid of her (unless you really do want her to just move out). Instead, I would "blame" it on inflation and present it as "As I'm sure you know, the price of everything has really gone up including our utilities, grocery bills, insurance, etc. It would really help out our household budget if you could give $xxx per month toward these expenses."

excellent point-this is also an optimal time of year to do so b/c (as the op could share with their dd) it's very common for a household to do a mid year financial review comparing the previous 2 quarters of the year's expenses to the prior year and making necessary adjustments.

 

[robinb]

Thank you. I was brought up to feel responsible and guilty for having my own needs. I wanted her to be brought up differently than I was. The problem is that here I am still feeling like it’s all on me. I think she and I both need to learn a new way of doing things.

I get you and I understand why this is difficult for you {{hugs}}. It's hard, but you need to separate the amount of money she's spending on friends and what you feel she should be paying you. Her money is hers to spend as she sees fit.

Someone mentioned something upthread about asking her what she thinks is fair. You can go ahead and pick an amount and dictate to her, but I know that would be an uphill climb for my DD24 and I'm sure it's the same for your DD28.

Here's how I would approach it:

1. Gather together a couple months of expenses. Include mortgage, utilities, grocery bills, streaming services, internet, cleaning supplies, laundry ... basically everything that keeps the house going and the living comfortable. Put it in a spreadsheet and create a monthly average.
2. Do a quick rental search for studios or rooms for rent in homes in your area. If you live in a more populated area, Craigslist is a good source.
3. Calculate an amount in your head based on the number of people in the house and the spreadsheet from #1 . If there are just the 3 of you, make it 1/6th to 1/3rd of the total for an average month. This is what you're hoping for. Keep that close to your vest.
4. Sit her down for a family meeting and tell her that you would like her to start paying toward the household expenses. Present her with the spreadsheet from #1 and the rental search from #2 and ask her what she thinks is fair.
5. Negotiate the price to one you both think is fair.

 

[disneydreamer781]

We pay $2200 inc water for our 1 BR where we live and that's on the lower end.

 

[kymom99]

Our son is 25 today. Since he lives away half the year, I haven’t yet charged him anything to stay here when he is home. I do expect him to help and he spends so much time with his nephew. We really feel it when he’s not here. He is paying his way during the time when he is living on his own. He saves a lot of money, even though he doesn’t make a lot. If he gets a full time job around here, I believe we will expect some money for expenses.

In a year he will have to get his own insurance. At that time I feel like it will be appropriate to expect him to have full time work and start contributing.

 

[MICKIMINI]

Every circumstance is different and I do not intend to judge anyone. We helped our son through undergrad and his doctorate. He started working at 15 years old and was expected to pay 50% of his first car at 16 (10K in 2004) and I was able to put it on a 0% credit card and he owned it by senior year. He paid for gas. We covered insurance. It was just expected.

He lived at college and grad school with roommates. Our son and his roommate both had jobs at their university in addition to their regular part time jobs. Our son moved home after earning a doctorate at 24 for about three months to intensely study for medical boards and we covered his expenses as he had a job waiting. He and a buddy from middle school split a nice, new apartment and lived quite well. They both had high salaries and both moved on when they met future wives. We felt it was a partnership over those years.

Your child needs to support herself and get an apartment. I would find a few rentals and print copies of the listings and be matter of fact about it. I would offer two more months to find a place otherwise pick a starting date and an amount (at least 1K a month). Give an ending point for that deal (3-6 months?). There is currently no incentive to move on. You are being taken advantage of. Best of luck. Be firm as you are doing her a favor in the long run. Let's hope she doesn't marry the freeloader. Things will look different when she is paying for it all...IMO.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I started charging my son a year after college graduation.

The initial agreement before he graduated (we discussed a few times during college) was he could live at home rent free if he worked and paid off his student loan debt (he minimal debt from living on campus one semester since his tuition was covered, but he was supposed to be making more than the minimum payments) and saved to buy a home or get an apartment. He also had to get a “real” job within 6 months.

Well I started noticing he was minimally working. He had a nicely padded savings account so he was just relaxing and working when his savings got lower or doing part time jobs here and there to cover his minimal bills (he did pay me for his car insurance and cell phone upon graduation) and social life but had no sense of urgency. Basically doing the bare minimum. He was still going on vacations and even bought a newer car when his died.

Fourteen months after graduation i was doing our bills and really noticing the increases. I also desperately needed a new car. I got a little upset thinking how he’s working when he wants, has a newer car, is going on trips and out with friends and/or eating out consistently. I had my own moment of WTH. lol. I told him he was going to pick up the electric/gas bill. He was upset at first and brought up our old agreement. I told him he was only making his minimum student loan payments and was barely working so he wasn’t keeping up his end of the agreement. Within a month he had a full time job and has paid every month. A few weeks later he apologized for being upset and told me he needed that kick in the butt.

 

[abbyandangel]

Treat this as the emergency situation it is.
Immediately get your financial accounts disconnected from each other. NO joint accounts, and don’t have her on any of your credit cards. Talk to your insurance agent to get her moved to her own policies. They will contact her and help her get the best rate.
One of my DH co-workers was connected to their young adult with finances/car insurance when their son had an unfortunate car accident with a friend in the car. The friend was seriously hurt and was in a coma, her parents were residing in another country and had to fly to the US, etc. It was very costly. Because the young adult was connected to the parents insurance policy, the parents were also sued and they lost all their savings, retirement AND their house. They literally had to start all over in their 50s. I know these people…not just heresay.

That never occurred to me. Thanks.

 

[HopperFan]

My child is 27 with a good job. Still living at home. Spends at least $500 a month eating out and likely much more. Graduated with a masters degree and no debt because we saved money and contributed to the expenses. Bought a brand new vehicle with cash. Pays for friends expenses on group trips and eating out. I am feeling priced out of Disney vacations and have started thinking that I should ask for a monthly contribution to the household expenses such as utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

I have zero issue with multi-generational living, it was very common where I lived for part of my life, and becoming more common where I live now. I also have an adult child living with me (in addition to a disabled adult child). It is difficult in many areas for a person to afford a commercial apartment or home on one person's salary.

You will not be asking your child for money or to contribute to expenses. You will be setting up a very reasonable expectation that they will pay RENT. When my child completed their masters we told them in 60 days they would be expected to pay us rent. They were more than welcome to stay or they could find elsewhere to live. We looked at what it would cost for 1/2 of a 2 bedroom apartment assuming they would have to get a roommate (and living with us they in essence had roommates). We feel the rent is more than fair since we are not adding utilities etc on top of that. In that 60 days they secured employment and have been paying us rent, on time, since. They have the ability to save money and hope they will be able to buy a small house next year. It works great for them and us. Also they often will bring home groceries (even though they don't eat most meals with us), treat us to pizza or other dining out, help with some house projects and their brother as needed.

They do have privacy, as they have a part of house to themselves with their own entrance, so there are days we don't even cross paths. They are in no way connected to us financially. They have their own car loan they qualified on their own making a large down payment, they have their own car insurance, they have their own credit cards, their own student loans (for masters, they paid cash for their bachelor), their own furniture etc.

 

[tvguy]

Then there is the opposite situation. Will you pay rent to your child when you may be forced to move in with them due to health issues in your senior years?

 

[HeatherC]

If you’re charging your child rent, then salting it away, then you don’t need it. If the concern is providing life lessons and helping your adult child to develop good financial habits, then counsel the child. Taking their money and saving for them isn’t teaching anything. What happens after that wedding or after that home is purchased? Who’s saving their money for them then, or do they just go cold-turkey?

There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing this to help “the next one in line” get a good start in life. Housing prices are outrageous. What is the downside of saving that money and giving it as a gift towards a down payment? Enabling is one thing….helping the next one in line is another.

 

[disneychrista]

Then there is the opposite situation. Will you pay rent to your child when you may be forced to move in with them due to health issues in your senior years?

IMO, that would come down to ability to pay. If I was forced to move in with my children in my senior years due to physical or medical need but still were financially able to live on my own then I would insist on paying rent/contributing to household expenses. If I was forced to move in with my children due to being financially able to continue to live on my own it would be a different issue.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Then there is the opposite situation. Will you pay rent to your child when you may be forced to move in with them due to health issues in your senior years?

Actually, my grandmother did contribute some monthly when she was 92 and moved in with my parents. I wasn’t aware at the time but years after she passed away, we were talking about what a good, sweet lady she was, how blessed he was to have her for a mom, etc and he told me she gave him a check each month toward food and utilities.
She was starting to fall frequently and her house was getting to be too much for her. She didn't
need a lot of physical care except in the shower.
Cognitively, she was in great shape. She had a little Kindle and would read often or do crossword puzzles, word search, or fill-ins.

She lived to age 99. My dad was 74 at the time of her death. I was 49. Very lucky.

 

[cvjw]

OP, my 24 year old son has lived with us for 2 years. He graduated college in 2022, and has been employed ever since. He makes about the same salary as your daughter and has about 5X more in savings than she does. We do not charge him any rent, we just expect him to save for a house so he can move out. We told him no new car until he has his own house. Moving out has to be the top priority.

I can’t imagine my kid still living with me at age 27. I would want them to be self sufficient and building their own life. Charging her some rent seems like a good first start. Maybe it will lead to her getting her own place.

 

[barkley]

Then there is the opposite situation. Will you pay rent to your child when you may be forced to move in with them due to health issues in your senior years?

i will pay for whereever i need to live when i am unable to live on my own, it is however my desire to never put my children in the position of becoming my caretaker.

on this subject-while i support parents who choose to financialy support their children's expenses of college, post grad, weddings, home purchases and the like i sincerely hope that they are not short changing their own elder life expenses b/c i suspect noone wants to see their children later in life with children of their own struggling to meet those children's needs b/c they are-

meeting mom & dad's basic needs (seeing it plenty of times on the dis and in real life),

faced with the realization mom & dad have been paying for everything on credit and now are faced with being entirely destitute (seen it/known it to happen),

struggling with the decision of ending their career mid-stream to provide full time care to mom or dad b/c 24/7 care is unaffordable which essentialy derails not only THEIR ability to help their own child with minimal adult related expenses but also puts the grands eventualy in the same situation (in my early 60's and now seeing peers who should be retiring trying to play catch up for the last 10-15 years they lost in their careers which is pretty much a lost cause even if they can find a job).

there's a reason they tell people on planes to put on their own oxegyn mask first before they help others.

 

[DonMacGregor]

There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing this to help “the next one in line” get a good start in life. Housing prices are outrageous. What is the downside of saving that money and giving it as a gift towards a down payment? Enabling is one thing….helping the next one in line is another.

We’re talking about adult “children”, not 5 year olds learning to save money by putting some of their weekly allowance into a recipe box. Either charge rent, or offer to assist in financial planning by supporting them in creating a budget, including a commitment to save a portion of their income. Don’t play some game where you charge them “rent” when you’re really saving money for them. That teaches nothing and does nothing to develop good habits.

And don’t call it a “gift” if you’re just giving them something back that was theirs to begin with and you never really needed to take in the first place.

 

[disykat]

I know it's an unpopular opinion, but I 100% agree with above not understanding the "pretend to make him pay rent and then surprise them by giving it back" thing. I would be way more comfortable with telling them you expect them to be saving money and make them prove it in order to keep living with you than with tricking them in to saving money.

If they are being "taught" they need to feel the act of saving, not just get surprised with money that isn't connected to anything but perceived luck.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

OP, my 24 year old son has lived with us for 2 years. He graduated college in 2022, and has been employed ever since. He makes about the same salary as your daughter and has about 5X more in savings than she does. We do not charge him any rent, we just expect him to save for a house so he can move out. We told him no new car until he has his own house. Moving out has to be the top priority.

I can’t imagine my kid still living with me at age 27. I would want them to be self sufficient and building their own life. Charging her some rent seems like a good first start. Maybe it will lead to her getting her own place.

I see this differently. Our son was 22 and working FT when his 2 old beater cars both died at the same time. (20+ years old). Not really worth dumping more $ into them.

Back in 2022, even used cars were outrageously priced. So outrageous that you were better off just buying new, that is, IF you could find something in stock at a dealer. Dealer lots around here were empty (10 miles outside of Philly) and most were charging a $5k surcharge over sticker price, just because they could.

I just happened to have taken a day off, intending to wrap Christmas gifts, when he asked if I could rent a car and he pay for it if he could borrow mine until he could get another car. I told him to skip the rental and we'd go shopping the next day. He knew exactly what he wanted and there was one in stock about an hour away. He had $20k for a down payment and now 2 years later, only owes a couple thousand on it. This is for a Toyota Tacoma p/u truck that should give him a solid 12 years of having a reliable car with minimal mechanical stress in his life.

I think if you wait to buy a house, and then need a car, you're screwed. All of us homeowners know houses are money pits and will make it hard to buy a car once you own the house. Getting to and from work with reliable wheels, in winter weather too, has to be a top priority over buying a home or getting into a lease. JMHO.

 

[Franrose]

I think charging her some form of room/board is doing her a favour as much as yourself. Give her reason too to have pride in herself and her ability to make her own way in the world. What that looks like is up to you, but don't feel guilty for doing it for a moment.

My eldest daughter is 18, at university full time, working part time (around six or seven hours a week) and pays a nominal amount of board to her dad and I. We don't need her money but do strongly want her to have a feeling of agency as a baby adult starting to make her own way in the world. She feels good about that. Obviously since her main occupation is study she does still benefit from lots of support from her dad and I - we took her sister and her to Disney just last month (from Australia) for example - and we'll continue to do lots of things together as we're a family and a team. But because we're a team, we all put in to the home and take some responsibility, even if disproportionately - we work together as contributors as well as beneficiaries of our set up. It's likely we'll be together for a while yet because real estate is pretty pricey down under (and she's just at the beginning of a 5 year degree).

In terms of potentially keeping money aside to give to children at a later date - do whatever you like. It's your money, your children are your children, nobody else's opinion has any bearing. Lady Catherine will never know!

 

[cvjw]

I see this differently. Our son was 22 and working FT when his 2 old beater cars both died at the same time. (20+ years old). Not really worth dumping more $ into them.

Back in 2022, even used cars were outrageously priced. So outrageous that you were better off just buying new, that is, IF you could find something in stock at a dealer. Dealer lots around here were empty (10 miles outside of Philly) and most were charging a $5k surcharge over sticker price, just because they could.

I just happened to have taken a day off, intending to wrap Christmas gifts, when he asked if I could rent a car and he pay for it if he could borrow mine until he could get another car. I told him to skip the rental and we'd go shopping the next day. He knew exactly what he wanted and there was one in stock about an hour away. He had $20k for a down payment and now 2 years later, only owes a couple thousand on it. This is for a Toyota Tacoma p/u truck that should give him a solid 12 years of having a reliable car with minimal mechanical stress in his life.

I think if you wait to buy a house, and then need a car, you're screwed. All of us homeowners know houses are money pits and will make it hard to buy a car once you own the house. Getting to and from work with reliable wheels, in winter weather too, has to be a top priority over buying a home or getting into a lease. JMHO.

My son has a very reliable Toyota Rav 4 with 50,000 miles on it. He just wants a $70,000 jeep. Hence the rule on no new cars while saving for a house. He will put down over $200K on a house when he finds one. That will make his payment low enough where he can also afford a car payment.

If he didn’t have a reliable vehicle, I would totally pause the rule until he got one!

 

[tvguy]

i will pay for whereever i need to live when i am unable to live on my own, it is however my desire to never put my children in the position of becoming my caretaker.

on this subject-while i support parents who choose to financialy support their children's expenses of college, post grad, weddings, home purchases and the like i sincerely hope that they are not short changing their own elder life expenses b/c i suspect noone wants to see their children later in life with children of their own struggling to meet those children's needs b/c they are-

meeting mom & dad's basic needs (seeing it plenty of times on the dis and in real life),

faced with the realization mom & dad have been paying for everything on credit and now are faced with being entirely destitute (seen it/known it to happen),

struggling with the decision of ending their career mid-stream to provide full time care to mom or dad b/c 24/7 care is unaffordable which essentialy derails not only THEIR ability to help their own child with minimal adult related expenses but also puts the grands eventualy in the same situation (in my early 60's and now seeing peers who should be retiring trying to play catch up for the last 10-15 years they lost in their careers which is pretty much a lost cause even if they can find a job).

there's a reason they tell people on planes to put on their own oxegyn mask first before they help others.

My long term care insurance pays for a full time in home care person if the need comes up, so not worried about that.
A lifetime of living within my means means other than a mortgage and a car loan, I have never paid a penhy of interest on a credit card. And Social Security will more than cover any expenses, with 40+ years of retirement savings available to fill in any unanticipated gaps.