Annoyed with my ex..Child support related (long)

[livie1205]

If the situation were flipped, wouldn't you be a bit angry? Your ex and his new wife live happily and comfortably, going on nice vacations, etc. etc. Oh, and wife supports him, while he stays home and takes care of your son.

Meanwhile, you're out of work, can't find a job and then they want to put you in jail because you can't find work? Now, I realize there's mitigating factors here, in that you say you feel he's not looking hard enough, but in Michigan, with his (lack of) qualifications, he might be out of work a long time. The newspaper just reported about an office manager who applied for a job....and they had literally THOUSANDS of applications for that job. Pretty daunting odds right now.

I am also, frankly, of the mind that if a woman decides to have a child out of wedlock in this day and age, it is on her. I wouldn't expect a man to have obligations, especially since the woman has all the control about whether to have a child. (I would also not expect a woman to stay in a bad relationship, however.)

Her not working has nothing to do with it...I am a SAHM, we take our kids on vacation...but we also make sure the bills are paid and the kids have everything they need...my ex IS ordered to pay support, but it is as if I have a job because they impute my income and it still comes out as he pays.We(I say we because we are married and even if I stay home its our money,we are a family) take care of all school supply,med bills,meds and insurance my ex does NOTHING.He stopped paying a year ago! He just refuses to so now he is in contempt.I do not care what he thinks about me not working, he did not want me to put our son in daycare when we were married so he is NOT going to tell me to do it to my dd.My dh has never been late or missed his CS and we are no longer LEGALLY held to it (incomes are the same) but we still do with no problem,its his son and if you can have kids you can raise them!

ALSO...there IS SOMETHING ELSE to the story...I have been going through this for a year and the court DOES NOT raise the CS on someone without knowing what money they make or that they can make.They have to turn in financial papers and all kinds of things, there must have been more to it.M ex had to turn in all bank info for 3 yrs and tax papers...I got to see how he spent TONS of money at bars and clubs and all the traveling he did while WE took care of my son with no help from him THAT is why he is going to jail.M son has lots of med bills and costs that I pay for and he will not even give him his meds.

 

[drag n' fly]

Thanks goodness everyone is entitled to their opinion! I am glad the OP can take all comments with a grain of salt.

All I have left to say is:

Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes..Good Luck OP!

 

[RobinFabulous]

More than likely if the child is 7 her order was very old and things have changed. They probably calculated it with the new minimum wage at 40 hours per week.


OP Don't let the hateful people get you down. You helped make the child and you're obviously doing YOUR part in taking care of him


CR- men have plenty of chances to not have sex with random strangers. They still sell condoms. Or hey, abstinance is 100%... If you have sex then you risk making a baby. That goes on BOTH sides.

Again I'll say my ex & his new wife knew that he had an obligattion to support these children when he met her. Both of them knew it, and I will do whatever it takes to make him fulfil his obligation to HIS children. My current Dh has a child with his ex and I knew full well that we would pay child support for HIS child. We will pay the mother until the order is up and then do whatever the child needs as long as she is attending college. JUST like I would do for any of MY/OUR children

 

[kilee]

My ex and were able to work everything out for almost 16 yrs w/o a court order including child support and visitation.

Anyhow, this year in particular has been rough on my ex financially. I had to laugh when I read this thread because he was just telling us tonight when he dropped of ds that he has 2 jobs coming up and he'll have Decembers money but he'll probably be a little late.

I cut him slack when I can and I know he's truly honestly not doing well. However, there have been times the roles have been reversed. There have been times my dh and I have been down on our luck and my ex has helped me out by more than doubling his support if he knows and if he can.

For us it's been a 2 way street. I think it works best for everyone involved. There is no way I'd let them arrest him over back support especially if he's done everything he can to be responsible and contribute as much as possible. Not that I have to worry about that because we don't have a court order. It's threads like these that make me thankful we never did go to court to establish these things.

 

[RobinFabulous]

My ex and were able to work everything out for almost 16 yrs w/o a court order including child support and visitation.

Anyhow, this year in particular has been rough on my ex financially. I had to laugh when I read this thread because he was just telling us tonight when he dropped of ds that he has 2 jobs coming up and he'll have Decembers money but he'll probably be a little late.

I cut him slack when I can and I know he's truly honestly not doing well. However, there have been times the roles have been reversed. There have been times my dh and I have been down on our luck and my ex has helped me out by more than doubling his support if he knows and if he can.

For us it's been a 2 way street. I think it works best for everyone involved. There is no way I'd let them arrest him over back support especially if he's done everything he can to be responsible and contribute as much as possible. Not that I have to worry about that because we don't have a court order. It's threads like these that make me thankful we never did go to court to establish these things.

I'm glad that worked in your situation. However it's really best for everyone involved to have something down on paper in regards to visitation and child support. It protects everyone. In my state you could go to the court and say he's not been paying you and he would be responsible for past due support. I was told that any money he gave that did not go through the state was not "support" but was considered a "gift" Many states are moving towards income deduction orders in every divorce decree and child support order.

The reason behind this is because the number of women that do not get their child support directly corelates to the number of wsingle parent families on welfare and other government programs. I can't quote the statistic, but if every parent paid support it would remove a large burden from the welfare/food stamp departments.

 

[RitaZ.]

You could drop the whole back child support thing and go back to court to renegotiate the payments. That's what you could do. It sounds like this is the route your mother has been advocating.

Mom isn't always right.

My SIL's grand-daughter got nothing, as in ZERO support, from her father when she was a young child. At the time, I asked my SIL why she wasn't pursuing the matter in court. She was her legal guardian. Well, SIL felt badly that the guy had so many children to support. My SIL's tolerance for bad behavior is astounding. I told her that he should have thought about that before he made all those children. Her grand-daughter was his first child. Her grand-daughter is the one that paid the price because no one advocated for her.

The poor girl had the misfortune of having 2 lousy birth parents and a grandmother that defended their bad behavior.

 

[need2cruise]

In the OP's case, the ex is apparently an able-bodied, healthy man who has proven capable of taking care of his own needs. I can understand that he may not be able to pay the full amount of his child support. But some small good faith effort would go a long ways to showing his commitment to his responsibilities regarding his child.

Child support is primarily based on cont. the childs level of living as if both parents were together. If dad is unemployed, and they were still together, the child would be doing without a few things regardless. Unemployed is unemployed--there is no $$ coming in. Now what I want to know is--does dad live alone, with someone or with his parents?

 

[need2cruise]

He is a lazy guy but he is a good dad. He loves his son. But he doesn't realize how much goes into raising him because he hasn't ever had to do it. I will admit that is partly my fault, I left him while I was pregnant. He thinks that $50 a week should be able to supply everything a child needs but it doesn't as all parents know.

Ok--here's the thing--dad isn't the ONLY person who is financially obligated for that child, you are too. From the sounds of it, you are not a working full time parent--so therefore, you are putting YOUR financial responsibility on your current husband. So you are no more living up to the financial upbringing of your child then the dad is......so who can you be upset at him? You are court ordered x amt of dollars for your portion of the upbringing too.......

If you can financially forgive dad of this debt one time and it wouldn't hurt you financially--then I'd do it. The world can use some compassion like this in todays economy.

And I don't say this as someone whose husband pays support. Yes, my husband pays child support and I would never dream of him not paying. But I also have an ex who was in the auto industry--has lost his job and can't find another one that can pay living expenses and child support. You know what--I don't care--as long as he pays the expenses when she is with him and still sees her and is dad--that is what matters to me because dad isn't about $$ but being a dad.

 

[momof1princess]

Child support is primarily based on cont. the childs level of living as if both parents were together. If dad is unemployed, and they were still together, the child would be doing without a few things regardless. Unemployed is unemployed--there is no $$ coming in. Now what I want to know is--does dad live alone, with someone or with his parents?

according to the OP, dad lives with his parents, always has. and he IS working, but he's doing it under the table. he is obligated to pay support, no matter where the money comes from, and obviously, the judge is privy to information we aren't, or the support wouldn't have been raised. child support is calculated on a rather complicated formula (i used to have to figure it, it's NO fun) using both parent's incomes (in this case, OP's DH's income would figure in). the formula, which takes many factors into account, determines the amount. i wish i could remember everything that is added into and subtracted from it, but i gave up legal work several years ago.
OP, i really hope you and your ex can come up with some sort of satisfactory resolution.

 

[pipersmom]

In a lot of states now, the custodial parent has NO say about child support once it is in the court's hands. I don't know what about that is so hard to understand. CharityLynn can give her opinion through an advocate, but just because she states her opinion, does not mean the judge is going to act on it, especially when he already tried to have support lowered and it was raised, which means the ex at least has the potential of making the money. She's also stated he isn't making the effort to get a job. I realize employment is not an easy thing right now, but if he really wants to stay out of jail, I think places like Wal-Mart and McDonald's are going to start looking a lot better to him. Sitting on your butt all day in front of a tv or computer does not qualify as job searching!

CharityLynn..I'm glad you've been able to have a sense of humor about all this. I would bet you dollars to donuts his parents will bail him out somehow if it even goes that far, which I doubt it will. If it does, he has no one to blame but himself. :hugs:

 

[pipersmom]

Ok--here's the thing--dad isn't the ONLY person who is financially obligated for that child, you are too. From the sounds of it, you are not a working full time parent--so therefore, you are putting YOUR financial responsibility on your current husband. So you are no more living up to the financial upbringing of your child then the dad is......so who can you be upset at him? You are court ordered x amt of dollars for your portion of the upbringing too.......
If you can financially forgive dad of this debt one time and it wouldn't hurt you financially--then I'd do it. The world can use some compassion like this in todays economy.

So in other words, if her ex-husbands parents give him the money to pay the back support, CharityLynn shouldn't take it because it isn't coming directly from her ex right? And the courts shouldn't count it either. The point is, her children are getting the support they need from her, if her dh has decided he wants to help her with that, it's their business, as the money is there. Just as if the ex's parents decide to bail him out, that's their business, and I'm sure CharityLynn..and the courts..could care less where the money comes from (legally..lol) as long as it's there.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I realize employment is not an easy thing right now, but if he really wants to stay out of jail, I think places like Wal-Mart and McDonald's are going to start looking a lot better to him.

I'm sure places like Wal-Mart and McDonalds DO look good to him. The problem is that they're not going to hire someone with no diploma, a lousy credit report and (soon) a prison record when they can get college educated people willing to take those minimum wage jobs.

 

[pipersmom]

There are plenty of people in this country with no diploma and bad credit that are holding down jobs. I have no sympathy for a man who apparently has decided to sit at home on his duff rather than try in earnest to find work. My ex took that route, gained weight until he was up to 400 lbs, and because of the medical issues that accompany that type of weight, is now on disability. But hey, now you and the rest of us that work are paying his child support for him since my dd gets a social security check based on his disability. So thank you, Carly..I'm sure it makes you feel better that you can help him pay his child support obligation since he can't get a job. And because I did read the thread all the way through last night, this will be the only response you get from me, I'm not wasting my time further.

 

[lillygator]

Ok--here's the thing--dad isn't the ONLY person who is financially obligated for that child, you are too. From the sounds of it, you are not a working full time parent--so therefore, you are putting YOUR financial responsibility on your current husband. So you are no more living up to the financial upbringing of your child then the dad is......so who can you be upset at him? You are court ordered x amt of dollars for your portion of the upbringing too.......

If you can financially forgive dad of this debt one time and it wouldn't hurt you financially--then I'd do it. The world can use some compassion like this in todays economy.

good point...never thought of it that way.

 

[jodifla]

There are plenty of people in this country with no diploma and bad credit that are holding down jobs. I have no sympathy for a man who apparently has decided to sit at home on his duff rather than try in earnest to find work. My ex took that route, gained weight until he was up to 400 lbs, and because of the medical issues that accompany that type of weight, is now on disability. But hey, now you and the rest of us that work are paying his child support for him since my dd gets a social security check based on his disability. So thank you, Carly..I'm sure it makes you feel better that you can help him pay his child support obligation since he can't get a job. And because I did read the thread all the way through last night, this will be the only response you get from me, I'm not wasting my time further.

But this is in MICHIGAN. The job market here is a totally different ballgame....as in, there are almost no jobs, and fierce compeition for the few jobs that show up at Wal-Mart and the like.

 

[ilovejack02]

But this is in MICHIGAN. The job market here is a totally different ballgame....as in, there are almost no jobs, and fierce compeition for the few jobs that show up at Wal-Mart and the like.

The op made it clear that he does work at least some. He works for cash under the table which then the courts cant trace.

As for the pp that mentioned she has financial responsibility. Apparently she is holding up that end of the bargain.. she feeds him , clothes him, keeps a roof over his head etc etc etc.. all without help from the ex right now. She isnt asking the ex to pay for every single thing, just to help.
How on earth is not upholding her responsibility?

 

[pipersmom]

But she has stated he is NOT really trying. If he had been hoofing it around a 50 mile radius for the year trying hard to find something, I might have some sympathy for him, but apparently that is not what he's been doing. I can understand Mich may be worse off than other places right now, but you can't tell me no one without a diploma has found a job in Michigan in the past year.

 

[kellyg403]

Ok--here's the thing--dad isn't the ONLY person who is financially obligated for that child, you are too. From the sounds of it, you are not a working full time parent--so therefore, you are putting YOUR financial responsibility on your current husband. So you are no more living up to the financial upbringing of your child then the dad is......so who can you be upset at him? You are court ordered x amt of dollars for your portion of the upbringing too.......

If you can financially forgive dad of this debt one time and it wouldn't hurt you financially--then I'd do it. The world can use some compassion like this in todays economy.

And I don't say this as someone whose husband pays support. Yes, my husband pays child support and I would never dream of him not paying. But I also have an ex who was in the auto industry--has lost his job and can't find another one that can pay living expenses and child support. You know what--I don't care--as long as he pays the expenses when she is with him and still sees her and is dad--that is what matters to me because dad isn't about $$ but being a dad.

But if dad were married, had no job and stepmom was willing to pay the money for his half of the support...would that be o.k.? I mean she would have married him knowing he had a child and obligations? Technically it is the same thing. Maybe mom and stepdad have other children so he wants his children raised with the mom staying home. He is willing to cover her portion of the childsupport to make it happen. Who cares...it happens. Thats all the counts.

We seem to be forgetting in the grand scheme of things Stepdad and mom living in Michigan too, the stepdad already had his hours lowered etc. Mom found a temp part time job somehow to cover the missing monies. She IS upholding her end of the bargain. These two could find themselves without a job any moment as well.

Kelly

 

[need2cruise]

But if dad were married, had no job and stepmom was willing to pay the money for his half of the support...would that be o.k.? I mean she would have married him knowing he had a child and obligations? Technically it is the same thing. Maybe mom and stepdad have other children so he wants his children raised with the mom staying home. He is willing to cover her portion of the childsupport to make it happen. Who cares...it happens. Thats all the counts.

We seem to be forgetting in the grand scheme of things Stepdad and mom living in Michigan too, the stepdad already had his hours lowered etc. Mom found a temp part time job somehow to cover the missing monies. She IS upholding her end of the bargain. These two could find themselves without a job any moment as well.

Kelly

So if the mom and stepdad both lose their jobs and have to move in with family to have a roof over their head and food......do they go to jail for not being able to financially support their child(ren)? It's also the same situation reversed.

Personally, child support is lacking the common sense that is typical in many court situations. Things aren't always black and white-no matter how much we try to make it. It's not like this was a man who avoided his responsibility to his child, according to the op, he had a job for 7 yrs and he paid his support up until he lost his job. Like many people in this economy who lost their jobs, when you lose your job, it becomes about being able to have a house, food, etc. You don't still hand your child $50 a week to spend or go and buy Ipod Touches, Wii's,etc. He's doing what ANY person who loses their job is doing, worrying about survival. His child is being cared for still and definately not doing without if they are doing Disney every year-regardless who paid for those trips (there is still expenses involved). Not to mention-mom can stay home with him so that tells me that financially they are doing ok.

Now if mom was struggling too and there was a lack of food, warmth, housing and dad still wasn't attempting to help, I'd feel differently. But this is in no way a deadbeat father just reading what the op has posted and leaving his child destitute or trying to avoid his responsibility to his child.

Not to say she doesn't have the right to feel frustrated. However, does this money really hurt her or does it just help make life easier and allow the extras most people are doing without right now? Is dad acting out because he's equally frustrated at not finding a job? Is the mom always tossing child support in his face? There are so many dynamics not being mentioned....

 

[S. C.]

But she has stated he is NOT really trying. If he had been hoofing it around a 50 mile radius for the year trying hard to find something, I might have some sympathy for him, but apparently that is not what he's been doing. I can understand Mich may be worse off than other places right now, but you can't tell me no one without a diploma has found a job in Michigan in the past year.

How would someone who lives in a different household know how hard anyone was looking for work?