Who's Being Unreasonable?

[KellyWasHere]

I would not want my kids out of the country without me either. Between my husband and I, I am definitely the more laid back of the 2, especially when it comes to the kids, but I would not want this, no way, no how. I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.

 

[Scurvy]

Completely aside from the whole Christmas thing, since apparently that isn't supposed to be an issue . . .
OP, I don't know you or your husband so I can only say what I'd do if this issue arose in my own marriage. My husband is very supportive of me taking my son to do things even when he can't join us. We've gone all sorts of places without him and it's never been an issue. If he suddenly didn't want us to go somewhere then I would assume it was important to him that we not go and so we wouldn't. If my husband said it was because of a passport problem, I'd assume there was probably another reason for him feeling that way because obviously he's smart enough to know he could renew the passport. (Surely your husband realizes that as well, OP.) His feelings are more important to me than any trip and while I'd like to know why he had a problem with that specific trip, the mere fact that he didn't want me to go would be enough to get me to stay home whether he explained his real reasoning or not.

 

[HLAuburn]

So then what do you think the issue is? You don't really think he doesn't realize his passport can be renewed do you?

Honestly, I think its an "accessibility" issue - if something happened, how easy would it be for him to get to us. He mentioned "hopping in the car" and being able to get there, so I don't even know if the passport would make a difference.

He and I haven't discussed renewing his passport yet, but it can't just be renewed because it's been expired for awhile. He'd have to go through the whole process again, which of course wouldn't be a huge deal, especially if it eases his concerns. If he's still bent on being a "car ride away", it won't really matter.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Completely aside from the whole Christmas thing, since apparently that isn't supposed to be an issue . . .
OP, I don't know you or your husband so I can only say what I'd do if this issue arose in my own marriage. My husband is very supportive of me taking my son to do things even when he can't join us. We've gone all sorts of places without him and it's never been an issue. If he suddenly didn't want us to go somewhere then I would assume it was important to him that we not go and so we wouldn't. If my husband said it was because of a passport problem, I'd assume there was probably another reason for him feeling that way because obviously he's smart enough to know he could renew the passport. (Surely your husband realizes that as well, OP.) His feelings are more important to me than any trip and while I'd like to know why he had a problem with that specific trip, the mere fact that he didn't want me to go would be enough to get me to stay home whether he explained his real reasoning or not.

Beautifully said.

 

[smkiya]

I think the OP was pretty clear when she said that her husband wasn't upset that they'd be away at Christmas. I don't understand the big deal about "spending time" at Christmas, especially when her dh won't even be around. She mentioned that they were going to spend the hoildays together the week before, which doesn't seem wrong to me. Lots of people work on Christmas Day and it isn't the end of the world. I will be working this Christmas from 7am to 7:30pm and the day after, same time. We will spend our Christmas together on Christmas Eve opening presents, having dinner, etc. In fact, last year was the first year I was able to spend Christmas Day at home, and it was the worst Christmas EVER! So, if not being around on Christmas morning means your children are traumatized for life, then...

To the true question by the OP about her dh being unreasonable that they are traveling out of the country without him, well... Personally, I would be as anxious about my kids being more than a few hours drive away without me. I would have no problems with my dh taking the kids on a trip, if I was able to be there within 4-5 hours drive max (I don't fly). But, if he were going with his family I'd feel much more secure. Yes, I'd still be very nervous, but knowing that he wasn't alone with the kids would help relieve some anxiety.

So, I don't think he is being unreasonable if that is how he feels. Sometimes our feelings and hesitations are unrealistic, but they should not be discounted. She should encourage him to get his passport renewed. She should also look up different airlines that make trips to that location during that time, and anything else she feels would make him realize that she will do everything she can to make sure they were safe during the trip. Going with family is a whole lot different than going alone and this should also be emphasized. Remember, his feelings are valid, do what you can to reassure him. Good luck OP!

 

[mjkacmom]

Apple and oranges. Taking your kid to the movies and taking your kid to another country are completely different.

I know they are apples and oranges, that's my point. At what point to do go along with someone who is being irrational? What would you say to someone who DH won't let his wife and kids out of his sight? At what point do you not blindly go along with someone because they are your spouse, and try to get them to see that they are being irrational?

 

[Missy1961]

Completely aside from the whole Christmas thing, since apparently that isn't supposed to be an issue . . .
OP, I don't know you or your husband so I can only say what I'd do if this issue arose in my own marriage. My husband is very supportive of me taking my son to do things even when he can't join us. We've gone all sorts of places without him and it's never been an issue. If he suddenly didn't want us to go somewhere then I would assume it was important to him that we not go and so we wouldn't. If my husband said it was because of a passport problem, I'd assume there was probably another reason for him feeling that way because obviously he's smart enough to know he could renew the passport. (Surely your husband realizes that as well, OP.) His feelings are more important to me than any trip and while I'd like to know why he had a problem with that specific trip, the mere fact that he didn't want me to go would be enough to get me to stay home whether he explained his real reasoning or not.

Great points!

 

[MUFFYCAT]

I can't believe the OP really thinks is acceptable to go and the DH is being unreasonable!
I know the kids are young but I would never take them away from their father at Christmas, regardless of wether he celebrates it or not.

 

[badcramps]

It sounds to me like your husband is being irrational--at least given the way you have described his responses. I'll leave the Christmas issue aside since you've said ten times now that he is perfectly happy to have you be away on Christmas day as long as it's in the country. (If that accurately describes his feelings about the holiday-aspect of things, then I think it's really odd how so many posters have fixated on that issue alone.)

If *all* that he is worried about is being able to get to you in case of an emergency, then I don't see how it is leaving the country itself that is the issue. As others have said, he can renew his passport in time so nothing will prevent him from getting into another country at a moment's notice. And depending on where you live and what other places you might go on the trip, it could be easier/quicker to get to family in an emergency when they are out of the country than in the country. For example, we live a 5 hour plane ride from California, and a 45 minute car ride from Canada. If getting to my family in an emergency were a concern for me, it would be much easier for me if they were in Toronto than in LA.

You mentioned his wanting to be able to jump into the car to get to you in an emergency. Does that mean he wouldn't be okay with you taking a trip to somewhere on the opposite coast of the U.S. where he'd have to fly to get to you? If that is really his concern then it makes sense that he does not want you to go on the cruise (though it seems to have nothing to do with the fact that the cruise would involve leaving the country).

Or maybe there's some other explanation of what his real reasons are. I'd find it frustrating if there are other reasons he is not being honest about. If I thought that was the case I absolutely would want to know what the reasons were and, more importantly, why he felt he couldn't be honest with me. (I'm actually surprised at how many previous posters said that if their spouse offered a completely non-sensible reason for them not to do x, they would just not do x without even probing why the spouse feels that way or what his/her real reasons are.)

Now maybe he doesn't know what the reasons are himself but he just feels uncomfortable with the cruise idea for some reason. That would also be horribly frustrating to me, but at least I can understand that sometimes you just feel a certain way for no good reason. (Though I would hope once he admits he has no reason to feel that way, he'd be okay with the trip even it makes him uncomfortable!)

 

[robinb]

I know they are apples and oranges, that's my point. At what point to do go along with someone who is being irrational? What would you say to someone who DH won't let his wife and kids out of his sight? At what point do you not blindly go along with someone because they are your spouse, and try to get them to see that they are being irrational?

I think we are both talking but neither one is listening . You don't get my point and I don't get yours. If the OP's DH had proven to be a controlling so-and-so in the past then I would be the first to say that he is an irrational nut job. This doesn't appear to be the case.

FWIW, I don't think EITHER party is unreasonable. It is perfectly reasonable to want to go on a trip with your family (mom/dad/sister) on a cruise to Bermuda. It also also perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with your family traveling out of the country.

 

[dzorn]

My family and I are thinking about going on a short, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas for Christmas. My husband has to work over the holiday, so he won't be able to go. But, when I told him what we were planning, he pretty much freaked out that I would even think about taking the kids "overseas" without him.

The kids will be 6 and 2 at the time. I will be with my parents and my sister, BIL, and their DD. It's not like I will be alone, and I know that technically we are leaving the country, but it's 2 days.

His concern is that if something happened to me or the kids, he wouldn't be able to get to us (his passport is expired). Obviously, he's a little overprotective, and I have to wonder if he thinks no one can watch his little angels like he can. He doesn't care if we go somewhere without him - he just wants it to be "in the country".

I really am trying to hear him out and respect what he has to say, but my family thinks he's insane. Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Thanks!

I would say it is unreasonable for your DH to spend Christmas without his wife and children however he expressed it.

I would never leave DH for christmas even if he had to work. We would spend the time before and after work together.

Denise in MI

 

[badcramps]

I can't believe the OP really thinks is acceptable to go and the DH is being unreasonable!
I know the kids are young but I would never take them away from their father at Christmas, regardless of wether he celebrates it or not.

According to what the OP has explained numerous times, the father also feels it is totally acceptable for the kids to not be there during Christmas *as long as their trip takes place within the borders of the United States*. If it is unreasonable to have one's kids away from one on Christmas, then she and he are equally unreasonable, no?

I really don't understand why posters continue to act as if the OP is being mean to the husband by thinking of taking the kids on the trip when that is something which (according to the OP) he agrees she should do!

Is the idea that the OP is simply lying about what her husband has said about the trip within the U.S.? Or is everyone assuming that the husband can't/won't say what he is really feeling/thinking? Or are people not actually reading what the OP is saying?

 

[MUFFYCAT]

For myself, I couldn't do it regardless of what he says. I'm thinking of the kids,
a 6 year old is old enough to remember this trip and think back that daddy wasn't there.
He won't be scarred from life for it but I just wouldn't do it. To each his own.

 

[design_mom]

Is the idea that the OP is simply lying about what her husband has said about the trip within the U.S.? Or is everyone assuming that the husband can't/won't say what he is really feeling/thinking? Or are people not actually reading what the OP is saying?

Whether it's acceptable to be away from each other on Christmas is totally up to their family. (I can understand it. It wouldn't work well for *my* family.)

I think what most people are trying to get at is that we don't think the OP's DH has given her the "real reason" that he doesn't want them to go. Obviously, he doesn't have a problem with the OP and the kids going on trips since they've done it before. The reason he gave the OP (can't get to them easily since his passport is expired) is so easily remedied (renew passport) that it seems like a non-issue.

There must be another reason (reasonable or unreasonable) that he doesn't want them taking this particular trip. If the OP could find out the "real reason" then maybe she could address it.

 

[Acklander]

For myself, I couldn't do it regardless of what he says. I'm thinking of the kids,
a 6 year old is old enough to remember this trip and think back that daddy wasn't there.
He won't be scarred from life for it but I just wouldn't do it. To each his own.

I grew up in the restaurant business - The Christmas Holidays' was one of the busiest week's of the year. My parents worked non stop, from morning to night and once we reached the age of 13 we worked from morning till night during the Christmas week as well. So while we enjoy Christmas, it's not as big a deal to us as it is to many others.
Obviously the OP's family feels the same way about it. Unless you've worked that type of lifestyle, it's hard to understand - but honestly, there are many families out there that don't consider it a big deal. He's going to be working long shifts and coming home wanting to sleep so the kids are going to have to tip toe around so as not to disturb him. Yes, the 6 year old may remember the trip as the one daddy wasn't there - or the 6 year old may remember it as the trip that he got to play with cousins/aunts/uncles etc.... on a cruise. OP has already said that they will be celebrating Christmas with her DH and his family the week before.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

You are being unreasonable for going on vacation without our husband IN GENERAL. Let alone over Christmas.

 

[krcit]

The whole Christmas thing is ridiculous in my opinion because the OP has stated time and time again that it isn't important to them. Not everyone in the world celebrates Christmas. The OP asked whether we thought her husband was being unreasonable to not want her to take her kids out of the country. I don't think so. For whatever his reasons are, he doesn't want his wife and young children out of the US without him. I get it. I don't think that I would love it either if my DH wanted to take mine. It has nothing to do with not trusting him, it's just my comfort zone. I would discuss getting him a passport, going over the itinerary with him, look into airline schedules and see if that would ease his mind. If not, then I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want my DH to do something that I was uncomfortable with, they are both of your children. Good luck OP, I hope it all works out

 

[krcit]

You are being unreasonable for going on vacation without our husband IN GENERAL. Let alone over Christmas.

No. Maybe for your family but not for everyones.

 

[mhsjax]

I would never leave my hubby on Christmas Day. Mine was gone to work on many Christmas Days. I don't care what my DH would have said, I just wouldn't leave. Wrong IMHO. During Christmas

 

[SaraJayne]

You are being unreasonable for going on vacation without our husband IN GENERAL. Let alone over Christmas.

I go on vacation all the time without my husband. And he goes on vacations (hunting, fishing, etc) without the kids and I.

In fact, while he will be in Colorado hunting elk, the kids and I will be at Disney.

And neither one of us has a problem with that. We also take many vacations together as a family.

I find the opinion that women shouldn't go places without their husbands out-dated and sexist. I've gone all over the country without my husband...and yet, here I am today, still alive to tell about it!!