Who's Being Unreasonable?

[Hannathy]

No. Maybe for your family but not for everyones.

I agree and every work situation is different. The one mill my DH worked in shut down over Christmas for maintenance work and he literally was not home from Dec 23rd until the 26th and that was to shower, eat and change clothes and left again for work. Should I have sat there looking at the tree myself? No we went to my parents home and had a nice visit and "saw" him as much as I would have at our house. we talked on the phone when he could.

We had our Christmas over New years with his family. Everyone was happy. He truly didn't want us sitting at home when he couldn't be there.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think we are both talking but neither one is listening . You don't get my point and I don't get yours. If the OP's DH had proven to be a controlling so-and-so in the past then I would be the first to say that he is an irrational nut job. This doesn't appear to be the case.

FWIW, I don't think EITHER party is unreasonable. It is perfectly reasonable to want to go on a trip with your family (mom/dad/sister) on a cruise to Bermuda. It also also perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with your family traveling out of the country.

I guess I think it's irrational to be fine with them going a 5 hour drive away, but not a 3 hour flight away. Also, they're only going to be in the Bahamas (not a third world country, but a tourist spot), for a few hours.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

No. Maybe for your family but not for everyones.

How can anyone ever answer a question if they need to use the standard's of somebody else's family?

And still, I'd be willing to bet that the husband is freaking out not because his kids are going over seas, but rather he is being abandoned over Christmas.

 

[SaraJayne]

OP, taking the date out of the question, I see no problem with you going on vacation with the kids while DH is home working.

My DH has taken our son out of the country once without me. He was 5 and I had absolutely no problems with it. And I wouldn't hesitate to let him do it with either of our kids now.

I think your DH is being unreasonable and letting his fears hold you back. Sometimes, you have to say, "I understand your fears, but we're going anyway."

If he has no problems with you going within the US, then he should have no problems with you going to the Bahamas.

With a current passport, he can be to you within hours if need be.

 

[mhsjax]

I go on vacation all the time without my husband. And he goes on vacations (hunting, fishing, etc) without the kids and I.

In fact, while he will be in Colorado hunting elk, the kids and I will be at Disney.

And neither one of us has a problem with that. We also take many vacations together as a family.

I find the opinion that women shouldn't go places without their husbands out-dated and sexist. I've gone all over the country without my husband...and yet, here I am today, still alive to tell about it!!

And some families are ok with that. I will be taking a trip with friends within the next 2 years, but hubby and I have been married for 25 years and I have never been anywhere without him. I have no desire to really, and that is my choice which is what women want ,a choice. It isn't sexist if it is your choice.

Mine wants me to go because frankly I don't do much of anything and we have had a rough few years. But as a general rule, my kids and I don't want to travel without him and he doesn't want to travel without us. I can't imagine taking trips without DH by my side. He is my sidekick and frankly I don't want to be without him, that isn't sexist at all.

 

[SaraJayne]

How can anyone ever answer a question if they need to use the standard's of somebody else's family?

And still, I'd be willing to bet that the husband is freaking out not because his kids are going over seas, but rather he is being abandoned over Christmas.

I think you're missing the point that the OP's husband has no problem with them going away without him. He wants her to go somewhere within the US.

That doesn't sound like a man that is upset he's "being abandoned" over Christmas.

 

[SaraJayne]

And some families are ok with that. I will be taking a trip with friends within the next 2 years, but hubby and I have been married for 25 years and I have never been anywhere without him. I have no desire to really, and that is my choice which is what women want ,a choice. It isn't sexist if it is your choice.

Mine wants me to go because frankly I don't do much of anything and we have had a rough few years. But as a general rule, my kids and I don't want to travel without him and he doesn't want to travel without us. I can't imagine taking trips without DH by my side. He is my sidekick and frankly I don't want to be without him, that isn't sexist at all.

I find that really sad. I've had so many fantastic experiences without my husband. I can't imagine what my life would be like without those experiences.

And I can't imagine him having to be tied to me 24/7. That isn't good for anyone.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I find the opinion that women shouldn't go places without their husbands out-dated and sexist. I've gone all over the country without my husband...and yet, here I am today, still alive to tell about it!!

I am not suggesting a woman shouldn't go places without a husband. I am merely stating my opinion that I don't think families should take vacations apart.

Maybe if I hunted or fished, I would feel differently. But since I am extremely co-dependent, I would be highly irate if my wife took my kids on vacation without me. In that instance, my wife would be being unreasonable.

Since I don't know this woman or her husband, I can't say, in the context of THEIR relationship who is being unreasonable. So I used the standard of MY relationship instead.

 

[goofy4tink]

This is absolutely incredible. The OP has stated that her dh has no issues with the family not being home with him, while he sleeps (or for that 5 hr period he may be awake), he has in fact suggested possible places for the rest of the family to go to. He seems to have an issue with the cruise..for whatever reason.

Those of you who keep harping on the 'it's wrong to be split apart for Christmas' need to move on....it isn't an issue for this family. Sure, it may be an issue for your family, but not the OPs.

And the thought of mom and the kids going on any kind of vacation, without dad, seems to be really abhorrant to a lot of you. You should understand that many of us go off on our own junkets..with, and without, our kids and spouses. It does not mean we have less than wonderful marriages. We just choose to do things differently. For me, my dh doesn't like to vacation. He wants to be at work..not sure why, but it is what it is. So, I go off with my dd, and sometimes by myself. He has absolutely no problem with this. Why is this so very hard for some of you to understand????

The OP has an issue with cruising. Her dh doesn't like the idea of his family being out of reach, in case of emergency. Simple enough. It's not a question of whether or not they should go, or what the time of year is or what state their marriage is in. Dad may have other issues at work here, or may not. Only the OP can know for sure.

 

[KellyWasHere]

I am not suggesting a woman shouldn't go places without a husband. I am merely stating my opinion that I don't think families should take vacations apart.

Maybe if I hunted or fished, I would feel differently. But since I am extremely co-dependent, I would be highly irate if my wife took my kids on vacation without me. In that instance, my wife would be being unreasonable.

My husband is the same way. He is the least sexist person I know, he does more housework than me, works at a different time than me so the kids don't have to go to daycare, always runs them to their activities. He's a wonderful dad and husband but just hates to have the kids or me away from him for an extended period of time. Not that he considers me a worse parent or is trying to control me, he just hates not being able to see them for that long. So I will push him to compromise on his behalf, to let me take short trips, not more than 2 days and not longer then 4-5 hours away. That's his compromise. And as my compromise I would never plan to do something longer or farther away than that. Marriage is about compromise, is it not?

 

[FlightlessDuck]

This is absolutely incredible. The OP has stated that her dh has no issues with the family not being home with him

As usual, my problem with answering is the fact that I didn't bother to read the entire OP, let alone the entire thread.

I'm not sure who is being unreasonable, since I've never been in this situation.

However, if I ever found myself in a situation where my young children would be out of the country and I wouldn't have a passport, I would be upset, too. Regardless of who was with them (wife, in-laws, etc.).

 

[MushyMushy]

This is absolutely incredible. The OP has stated that her dh has no issues with the family not being home with him, while he sleeps (or for that 5 hr period he may be awake), he has in fact suggested possible places for the rest of the family to go to. He seems to have an issue with the cruise..for whatever reason.

Those of you who keep harping on the 'it's wrong to be split apart for Christmas' need to move on....it isn't an issue for this family. Sure, it may be an issue for your family, but not the OPs.

And the thought of mom and the kids going on any kind of vacation, without dad, seems to be really abhorrant to a lot of you. You should understand that many of us go off on our own junkets..with, and without, our kids and spouses. It does not mean we have less than wonderful marriages. We just choose to do things differently. For me, my dh doesn't like to vacation. He wants to be at work..not sure why, but it is what it is. So, I go off with my dd, and sometimes by myself. He has absolutely no problem with this. Why is this so very hard for some of you to understand????

The OP has an issue with cruising. Her dh doesn't like the idea of his family being out of reach, in case of emergency. Simple enough. It's not a question of whether or not they should go, or what the time of year is or what state their marriage is in. Dad may have other issues at work here, or may not. Only the OP can know for sure.

Then why ask us if he's being unreasonable?

 

[mhsjax]

I find that really sad. I've had so many fantastic experiences without my husband. I can't imagine what my life would be like without those experiences.

And I can't imagine him having to be tied to me 24/7. That isn't good for anyone.

Don't find it sad, Ask our friends, they always comment on how we are one of the few couples that still love to be around each other. Please don't put you values on me. I tried to be nice and say it is a choice. I choose to be with the person that I like most of all. And trust me we aren't glued. We do separate things. I just don't want to travel without him. Maybe the fact that for 10 years we didn't see him on Chirstmas, Thanksgiving, July 4th and Memorial days, because of work, we couldn't take summer vacations because of his work, he worked weekends and missed all of the sports games. YOu don't know my situation and the fact that I thought I had lost him a couple of years ago, may influence my decisions on this. Trust me, it is good for us.

 

[GJM]

If it is just a passport issue - I would just have him get a new one. He has time to get that done. I understand you need a passport for the Bahamas but I don't really consider that "overseas" - and what could happen on a 3 night cruise to the Bahamas.

My DH wouldn't have a problem with it - he is not very sentimental about holidays. With him being in the military we have spent many apart. Especially my BD and our anniversary -

He wouldn't have a problem with me taking our DS or I wouldn't have a problem with him taking DS.

Hope it all works out for you -

 

[PaulaSue]

Sorry, but I wont take my girls out of the country and wouldn't let Dh to either. MIL is NOT happy about it, oh well.

 

[Frantasmic]

1. I didn't read the whole thread.

2. The OP is "guessing" what is bothering her husband. Talk to him about the real issue.
a. If he is really upset about the "out of country" thing, then you stil have time to upgrade his passport so that, in an emergency, he could tend to his family.

3. If he balks at 2.a., which is a logical remedy that should cover all the bases for an emergency situation, or if he brings up another remote "what if," then the OP needs to find out what his real problem is. I suspect, that if she suddenly found an in-country trip, he'd have another magic "what if." It may even be as petty as if he can't go anywhere for Christmas, then no one can. Or, how can my wife think of going on a trip when I'm working.

4. If he really does think that no one can take care of his babies as good as he can, that includes the OP.

 

[DisneyKT]

Then why ask us if he's being unreasonable?

That is what I was wondering.

OP. I would try to sit down with DH and go over it again. And don't inform him that your family thinks he is being unreasonable that is never helpful.

 

[SaraJayne]

Don't find it sad, Ask our friends, they always comment on how we are one of the few couples that still love to be around each other. Please don't put you values on me. I tried to be nice and say it is a choice. I choose to be with the person that I like most of all. And trust me we aren't glued. We do separate things. I just don't want to travel without him. Maybe the fact that for 10 years we didn't see him on Chirstmas, Thanksgiving, July 4th and Memorial days, because of work, we couldn't take summer vacations because of his work, he worked weekends and missed all of the sports games. YOu don't know my situation and the fact that I thought I had lost him a couple of years ago, may influence my decisions on this. Trust me, it is good for us.

I love spending time with my husband, too. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I absolutely agree. If the situation were reversed and it was the father taking the children out of the country with his family and the mother didn't have an UTD passport, I believe the responses here would have been WAY different; something along the lines of, "I'd go all mama-bear on him and insists that he's not taking my children anywhere out of the country!!!" The double standard here is staggering.

Having said that, the OP can try to diffuse the situation by getting her DH's passport renewed. It shouldn't cost as much to renew as it did to acquire. If DH is still upset about taking the children out of the country, then the wife will need to calculate what she wants more: peace in her immediate family or the ability to go on vacation out of the country with her extended family.

Taking the children out of the country against their father's wishes will be seen as disregarding his feelings regardless of how "unreasonable" the mother thinks the father's feelings are. Telling him his feelings are "unreasonable" (and BTW, here are all the posts from my friends on my Disney BB telling you that you're being unreasonable), is a recipe for marital ******* at the least and eventual divorce at the most.

Choose wisely.

(Carly sorry to pick on you; you just happen to be the first in a looong line of posters bringing up essentially the same issue)
Oh for goodness sakes, there are plenty of people out there who do not see travelling abroad as such a big deal. Clearly the OP's husband does--but my answer would not change one iota if it were a dad taking his children out of the country. I think I took my daughter to visit my parents in Mexico 6 times in her first two years of her life. There were other places my husband wanted to spend his precious vacation time--so she and I got our visits in when he traveled for work.
Because he travels a lot for work now (about 80%) the kids and I will go places we are interested in but he is not during some of those weeks (over the years that has included NYC, Paris, Montreal, camping in Bavaria, etc). It is a win-win: we get these places out of our systems and he does not have to go.
While I can understand simply preferring to vacation together--especially if vacation budgets are very limited and one spouse would therefore not get to vacation as nicely as s/he otherwise would. However, if budget and time allow I truly can not wrap my mind around being married to someone who I felt could not be trusted to take care of the children in a foreign local.

I make no judgements about anyone's feelings about Christmas. To some folks, it's just not as important as it is to others, and Hallmark has convinced us all that at Christmas we have to sit around withour families smiling benevolently sipping hot chocolate. Well, that doesn't happen for every and so be it.

That being said, OP, here is my advice:

1. Ask your husband one more time if his upsetment is due to you all being gone on Christmas Day and him being home, just to make really sure.

2. Ask him if renewing his passport when you get yours and the kids would make him feel better about being able to get out to you if something happened.

3. Ask him if there is some other reason why he is so against this that he's not sharing with you for some reason.

Then discuss it from there.
But don't go in with the attitude that he's nuts or irrational. He's not. He has concerns and they need to be addressed.

Excellent advice

 

[Scurvy]

I find that really sad. I've had so many fantastic experiences without my husband. I can't imagine what my life would be like without those experiences.

And I can't imagine him having to be tied to me 24/7. That isn't good for anyone.

Why would you find that sad? She could just as easily say it's sad that you married someone you apparently don't enjoy spending most of your time with, but she didn't - probably because she realizes different things work better for different people. My parents never took separate vacations during the almost 45 years they were married. They certainly weren't together 24/7, but they did spend most of their free time together. They enjoyed being with each other and were best friends. Being together is what made them happiest. The fact that it doesn't work for you doesn't mean that it's sad.