Who's Being Unreasonable?

[Magpie]

My family and I are thinking about going on a short, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas for Christmas. My husband has to work over the holiday, so he won't be able to go. But, when I told him what we were planning, he pretty much freaked out that I would even think about taking the kids "overseas" without him.

The kids will be 6 and 2 at the time. I will be with my parents and my sister, BIL, and their DD. It's not like I will be alone, and I know that technically we are leaving the country, but it's 2 days.

His concern is that if something happened to me or the kids, he wouldn't be able to get to us (his passport is expired). Obviously, he's a little overprotective, and I have to wonder if he thinks no one can watch his little angels like he can. He doesn't care if we go somewhere without him - he just wants it to be "in the country".

I really am trying to hear him out and respect what he has to say, but my family thinks he's insane. Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Thanks!

My sympathy is with your husband. The man is willing to give up his holiday with his kids, so they can visit family. He's doing this because he knows he has to work and won't have much time with them anyway - and that's incredibly reasonable.

But sending his little tiny girls off on a cruise out of the country where they could fall in a pool and drown, or fall off the boat and drown, or get kidnapped by pirates (all unlikely, I know!)... that scares him.

I think your husband needs a hug, not "you're being unreasonable".

My husband was a basket case when my 11yo son went to Disney with his best friend. I remember the night before our son was due to get on the plane my husband suddenly sat up in bed and said, "This was a mistake! I have to call it off!" Luckily sanity prevailed and my son went anyway - but our boy was 11, not 2 or 6!

Talk things over rationally. Figure out alternatives. Be prepared to compromise. I think Daddies sometimes have a harder time letting their little ones go off into danger (real or perceived) than Mommies do.

 

[cm8]

I absolutely agree. If the situation were reversed and it was the father taking the children out of the country with his family and the mother didn't have an UTD passport, I believe the responses here would have been WAY different; something along the lines of, "I'd go all mama-bear on him and insists that he's not taking my children anywhere out of the country!!!" The double standard here is staggering.

Having said that, the OP can try to diffuse the situation by getting her DH's passport renewed. It shouldn't cost as much to renew as it did to acquire. If DH is still upset about taking the children out of the country, then the wife will need to calculate what she wants more: peace in her immediate family or the ability to go on vacation out of the country with her extended family.

Taking the children out of the country against their father's wishes will be seen as disregarding his feelings regardless of how "unreasonable" the mother thinks the father's feelings are. Telling him his feelings are "unreasonable" (and BTW, here are all the posts from my friends on my Disney BB telling you that you're being unreasonable), is a recipe for marital ******* at the least and eventual divorce at the most.

Choose wisely.

Agreed!

 

[kwelch10377]

I really do appreciate all the advice, but it amazes me how everything turns into a debate on here! I'm not sure I need to defend my choice about taking the kids away from home w/out DH on Christmas since that's not the issue, but FWIW, we were originally planning on going somewhere else ("in the country") and he had NO problem with that at all. It's when the cruise idea came up that he changed his tune. He's suggested Atlanta, Key West, the mountains...anywhere not "overseas"!

I am trying to respect his concerns (and ignore my family at the same time), and I don't plan on telling him "well, my message board people say...". He can get very worked up about things he feels strongly about, so I'm just trying to look at it as objectively as possible to see his side.

Thanks again for all the responses...you guys have been very helpful. (Well, most...)

Did you honestly think that you would be able to ask this on the DIS without it turning into a debate? You asked for people's opinions and they are giving it.

I think the part about him being ok with you taking them somewhere within the US is an important part of the story. Without that info I saw it as him using the reason he gave as an excuse to cover up the fact that he just wanted his family around on Christmas, but he just didn't want to say it and I didn't see that as him being unreasonable. Now that you say he was ok with going somewhere in the US, but not being ok with going on a cruise to the Bahamas, I see that as somewhat unreasonable.

 

[ICF]

Two more thoughts....

1. If the issue is REALLY the passport and the fact that he can't get to you (vs other issues surrounding the kids / holiday)....then he should just renew the passport now to give him some comfort that if needed, he can get to you / them.

2. Do your kids care that they won't be with their Dad on Christmas? The two year old is probably too young to care much, but some 6 year olds might have an issue with that.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP, if it is just he can't reach you because of the passport, then talk to him, say Honey, if we renew your passport and you can get to us if need be, would you be ok if I cruise with my family?

If the answer is still no, then you need to ask him why, and what the real issue is!

To the others that have said they wouldn't let anyone else take their kids out of the country I am like , but to each their own. My in-laws take our kids on vacation, short and long all the time. Last year they took them on a cruise the week before xmas to the Bahamas, they had a blast. DH and I weren't concerned at all. They had written consent to seek medical care and anything else for minors. They also had trip insurance.

I can understand if you have issues iwth relatives, but I also know my DH would let me take our kids away, even out of the country if he couldn't go!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, if it is just he can't reach you because of the passport, then talk to him, say Honey, if we renew your passport and you can get to us if need be, would you be ok if I cruise with my family?

If the answer is still no, then you need to ask him why, and what the real issue is!

To the others that have said they wouldn't let anyone else take their kids out of the country I am like , but to each their own. My in-laws take our kids on vacation, short and long all the time. Last year they took them on a cruise the week before xmas to the Bahamas, they had a blast. DH and I weren't concerned at all. They had written consent to seek medical care and anything else for minors. They also had trip insurance.

I can understand if you have issues iwth relatives, but I also know my DH would let me take our kids away, even out of the country if he couldn't go!

Mine too. I don't get it.

Totally Ditto with your post.

 

[phorsenuf]

Is it possible he is concerned about the cost of the cruise? If he's suggesting somewhere else is the cost cheaper? Maybe he's also thinking if he is able to get a little time off that at least he could join you for a bit, but would be unable to do that if you are cruising.

Just a thought....

 

[HLAuburn]

Did you honestly think that you would be able to ask this on the DIS without it turning into a debate? You asked for people's opinions and they are giving it.

I think the part about him being ok with you taking them somewhere within the US is an important part of the story. Without that info I saw it as him using the reason he gave as an excuse to cover up the fact that he just wanted his family around on Christmas, but he just didn't want to say it and I didn't see that as him being unreasonable. Now that you say he was ok with going somewhere in the US, but not being ok with going on a cruise to the Bahamas, I see that as somewhat unreasonable.

I asked for opinions on taking the kids on a cruise to the Bahamas without their dad - I didn't ask for opinions about doing it over Christmas. I guess I should have left the Christmas part out all together since it's really not relevant at all in this situation. I appreciate the opinions about DH's request not to take them out of the country, but the timing is not what I asked about.

I know it's not a matter of him "covering up" his real feelings about being left behind - it's strictly a safety issue for him - so I'm trying to look at that from his point of view.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I asked for opinions on taking the kids on a cruise to the Bahamas without their dad - I didn't ask for opinions about doing it over Christmas. I guess I should have left the Christmas part out all together since it's really not relevant at all in this situation. I appreciate the opinions about DH's request not to take them out of the country, but the timing is not what I asked about.

I know it's not a matter of him "covering up" his real feelings about being left behind - it's strictly a safety issue for him - so I'm trying to look at that from his point of view.

Well good because that is easy to talk about.

If his deal is an anxiety issue, then he has to be able to trust that you guys are going to be OK.

Tell him to get his passport renewed and that if anything happens he will be able to get to you.

Do the Pro/con list and a lot of reassurance. Find ways to set up reassurance on the trip and stuff like that. Also include what the positives are from the kids and what it means to them to be able to share that time with extended family.

I do understand the "out of the country" anxiety as my dd when to China over the summer.

It sounds like normal anxiety that he is going to be "cut off" from you.

Make it Work!

 

[dislaney]

Well I would have no problem with my husband taking my children to the Bahamas on a cruise but there are other countries I might not be so comfortable with him taking them to. So on some level I can understand your husband's concerns.
If something happens to one of you, when you are traveling out of the country, maybe he feels like he can't help you or something.

 

[diznygirl]

I asked for opinions on taking the kids on a cruise to the Bahamas without their dad - I didn't ask for opinions about doing it over Christmas. I guess I should have left the Christmas part out all together since it's really not relevant at all in this situation. I appreciate the opinions about DH's request not to take them out of the country, but the timing is not what I asked about.

I know it's not a matter of him "covering up" his real feelings about being left behind - it's strictly a safety issue for him - so I'm trying to look at that from his point of view.

If it's safety issue, then get his passport renewed and he can travel to rescue you guys from "Overseas" when you fall ill/get injured/kidnapped by pirates.

 

[Jennasis]

Never would I dream of leaving DH alone for the holiday while I went galivanting about on a cruise...and taking the kids? Even worse!

So, for me...OP is unreasonable.

 

[HLAuburn]

Is it possible he is concerned about the cost of the cruise? If he's suggesting somewhere else is the cost cheaper? Maybe he's also thinking if he is able to get a little time off that at least he could join you for a bit, but would be unable to do that if you are cruising.

Just a thought....

Money's not the issue. The cruise was actually less expensive than some of the alternatives he's suggested (including the original plan).

No luck with getting time off. He's the new guy, so he has to "do his time". He does have a whole week off between when DD gets out of school and Christmas Eve, so we plan on making the most of that time together.

I know DH, and I know he really is concerned about something happening and he's not around - that's it. He's very protective and I think really has our best interests at heart, but I also know from past experience that things he worries about can tend to be a little over the top and unrealistic.

If it really is "getting to us" in an emergency situation, then a passport would solve the problem. I think I'll suggest that and see how he reacts.

Thanks again...

 

[ckay87]

Never would I dream of leaving DH alone for the holiday while I went galivanting about on a cruise...and taking the kids? Even worse!

So, for me...OP is unreasonable.

Slightly OT, but I thought my old southern grandmother, God rest her soul, was the only person who knew anyone who went "galivanting."

(THAT is a word I haven't heard for a while, and I love it!)

I don't have an opinion on the actual issue. I tend to be one of those "galivanting" wives. (I'm going to start using that word again). Anyway, the only person who does NOT mind is my DH, lol. But yea, you're going to have to respect his feelings on this one if, for no other reason, that it's Christmas. Do your galivanting some other time.

(PS Jenn...I'm not picking on you, I genuinely love that word!)

 

[robinb]

Thanks again for all the responses...you guys have been very helpful. (Well, most...)

Oh, please . If you didn't want people to post differing opinions then why did you ask at all?

I can understand if you have issues iwth relatives, but I also know my DH would let me take our kids away, even out of the country if he couldn't go!

My DH wouldn't have a problem either. Nor would I have a problem with him taking my DD. But that's the point. The OP's DH *does* have a problem and his opinion and feelings should count the same as the OP's. They share custody and responsibility for the children equally.

 

[hereyago]

I say go. Seriously, say if something should happen to him, death,etc, you would still have to carry on. Would he want you just to not go anywhere in the event if that happened? And seriously, your family will be there should something happen to you.

 

[HLAuburn]

Never would I dream of leaving DH alone for the holiday while I went galivanting about on a cruise...and taking the kids? Even worse!

So, for me...OP is unreasonable.

Galivanting about? Heck yeah! I'm gonna drop those kids at the play area and hit the bars and the casino! They'll be lucky to even see me on Christmas day!

Thanks for your constructive response.

 

[robinb]

Galivanting about? Heck yeah! I'm gonna drop those kids at the play area and hit the bars and the casino! They'll be lucky to even see me on Christmas day!

Thanks for your constructive response.

Maybe you should change the subject to: "Who's Being Unreasonable? Those Who Think It Is Me Need Not Reply."

 

[Arielle22]

It really doesn't matter who is being unreasonable. Sometimes in a marriage one partner needs to back down if the other partner feels strongly enough about something, even if it is objectively unreasonable.

I agree with this post. I have been married almost 25 years and found that sometimes even if I got my own way it wasn't worth it if it upset DH.

 

[Jennasis]

Slightly OT, but I thought my old southern grandmother, God rest her soul, was the only person who knew anyone who went "galivanting."

(THAT is a word I haven't heard for a while, and I love it!)

I don't have an opinion on the actual issue. I tend to be one of those "galivanting" wives. (I'm going to start using that word again). Anyway, the only person who does NOT mind is my DH, lol. But yea, you're going to have to respect his feelings on this one if, for no other reason, that it's Christmas. Do your galivanting some other time.

(PS Jenn...I'm not picking on you, I genuinely love that word!)

I am spearheading the effort to bring "galivanting" back!

Galivanting about? Heck yeah! I'm gonna drop those kids at the play area and hit the bars and the casino! They'll be lucky to even see me on Christmas day!

Thanks for your constructive response.

gallivant , galivant or galavant (ˈɡælɪˌvænt) [Click for IPA pronunciation guide]

— vb
( intr ) to go about in search of pleasure; gad about

It's a legitimate and correct use of the word.

Your eye-roll does nothing to help you here. You posted looking for opinions..I gave you mine. It doesn't jive with what you want to hear. No biggie.