Wedding Etiquette question - I know you all love these....

[Piglet]

Texting about such arrangements.

Why are so many people afraid to speak on the phone? What takes days of back and forth and misunderstandings via text coulda been resolved with a 10 minute phone call.

We literally sat face to face and it could not be communicated efficiently. I struggle with communication with them, I am no mind reader.

 

[Piglet]

The groom’s family traditionally handles the after rehearsal party. When my daughter got married some years ago her MIL came in town and we took her around to check out some options and she made a choice. His family all came from out of town and we had my nieces and nephews from out of town. I was surprised that they didn’t want to include out of town family in the after rehearsal party. BUT it was their party so I kept my opinion to myself. My MIL planned our after rehearsal party as well.
One thing that I think is important to note is that different areas in the USchave different traditions. In the south you’ll never see a cash bar. In other regions it is done. Maybe it’s a local thing for them? Traditionally the grooms family paid for the brides bouquet and some other portion of flowers but I didn’t want to worry about my daughter choosing what she wanted so we never brought that up.
Hope things work out beautifully for you all!

We are 45 minutes from each other and the MIL grew up in our town, I just think it's their family thing.

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

I think the problem is there are still super outdated assumptions about who pays for what when it comes to weddings. It's 2021 and all that stuff is meaningless anymore. All parties who will be involved should sit down and have a realistic finances talk before wedding planning ever starts.

 

[Skippy918]

My folks coordinated the rehearsal dinner cause it was in the town I grew up in. Dh’s family was from out of town so I wouldn’t expect them to figure out which restaurant to have a dinner at.

The bride and groom should be fully capable of coordinating their own rehearsal dinner especially if they currently live in the area where the wedding is being held.

 

[OKbyme]

I would say epic failure on the bride & groom. They should have discussed all of this with everyone and laid out what they expected, as doing it this way leaves too much room for misunderstanding and resentments.

When DH and I got married we made all the arrangements and paid for everything ourselves. Wasn't big, but very enjoyable for everyone involved.

 

[Piglet]

Just wondering what the bride and groom have to say about all of this. It's their wedding. When I got married, me and my husband did all the planning and paid for it ourselves. We got married at WDW, and had no expectations that anyone would give us gifts or our families to pay for anything. We did have a small wedding, my MIL did pay for a nice dinner for immediate family only. We (husband and I) paid for another "pre wedding party" for everyone at the Polynesian, a luau. This sounds like too much drama for me. The bride and groom need to take the reigns. From what I understood it to be, the brides family pays or helps with the wedding. The grooms family pays for the rehearsal dinner.

Groom to be consults his parents for every decision he makes. It is going to be a struggle for the couple in the future, but every couple has to work that out. Not for me to be involved. My daughter knows what we are covering for them and what she is taking care of. She was also confused. There was a lot of assuming. Besides this, it has been very smooth because our side knows who is doing and paying for what.

 

[RedAngie]

And in addition to texting being an extremely poor way to communicate important information, this whole large rehearsal dinner nonsense is a bunch of BS.

Anyone involved deserves all the misery they get.

 

[Piglet]

I would say epic failure on the bride & groom. They should have discussed all of this with everyone and laid out what they expected, as doing it this way leaves too much room for misunderstanding and resentments.

When DH and I got married we made all the arrangements and paid for everything ourselves. Wasn't big, but very enjoyable for everyone involved.

I honestly think the groom interpreted it the same as we did when they told him they would take care of the rehearsal dinner. He passed that on to us and apparently the details needed to be specific. Didn't know I had to question every single detail, but here we are.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Well, for starters, the bride and groom should be the one hashing out details like this. The groom's family typically pay for the rehearsal dinner, but if they won't or can't, the bride and groom are the ones who need to make other arrangements. As the mother of the bride, you should be taking direction/cues from the bride (who has presumably worked things out with her fiance). They should also be making the decisions over how many attendees--if your DD wanted a smaller wedding, it was up to her and the groom to convey that to both sets of parents. There seems to be a lack of spine in the mix here.

We had our own rehearsal dinner "oops" just the other week. Our niece is getting married this summer. We're driving 800 miles to attend (and do other vacationing, but it's planned around the wedding). Because we're coming from out of town, DH asked his brother if we should expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner--it's common, but not required, to invite out-of-town guests. BIL says, "Of course! We'll have a great time and be able to catch up!", so I go ahead and make the hotel reservations. Well, you know the punch line--when BIL actually talks to his daughter, the bride, she says that, since the groom's family is paying, and they don't have much money, she wants to keep the rehearsal dinner to the bare minimum. We completely understand, aren't upset or anything. But, I do wish BIL had checked with the bridal couple first.

 

[Piglet]

And in addition to texting being an extremely poor way to communicate important information, this whole large rehearsal dinner nonsense is a bunch of BS.

Anyone involved deserves all the misery they get.

That's the thing it is not a large amount of people. One attendant on each side, the parents and the officiant. Very simple thing turned into a complete misunderstanding. And I tried to discuss it face to face at the cook out. Not a hint that they wanted me or expected me to secure the venue.

 

[Piglet]

Well, for starters, the bride and groom should be the one hashing out details like this. The groom's family typically pay for the rehearsal dinner, but if they won't or can't, the bride and groom are the ones who need to make other arrangements. As the mother of the bride, you should be taking direction/cues from the bride (who has presumably worked things out with her fiance). They should also be making the decisions over how many attendees--if your DD wanted a smaller wedding, it was up to her and the groom to convey that to both sets of parents. There seems to be a lack of spine in the mix here.

We had our own rehearsal dinner "oops" just the other week. Our niece is getting married this summer. We're driving 800 miles to attend (and do other vacationing, but it's planned around the wedding). Because we're coming from out of town, DH asked his brother if we should expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner--it's common, but not required, to invite out-of-town guests. BIL says, "Of course! We'll have a great time and be able to catch up!", so I go ahead and make the hotel reservations. Well, you know the punch line--when BIL actually talks to his daughter, the bride, she says that, since the groom's family is paying, and they don't have much money, she wants to keep the rehearsal dinner to the bare minimum. We completely understand, aren't upset or anything. But, I do wish BIL had checked with the bridal couple first.

Things happen, I get that. Nothing is going to go completely smooth. All I really wanted to know was what was everyone else interpretation of the "rules" My daughter is in the midst of finals week, so I am helping her as much as I can with details. I am enjoying doing this together with herand want this to be everything she wants. Of course there is 100 side factors in all of this that contribute to it all.

 

[prairie_girl]

Texting about such arrangements.

Why are so many people afraid to speak on the phone? What takes days of back and forth and misunderstandings via text coulda been resolved with a 10 minute phone call.

Why not typewritten snail mail? Why not smoke signals? Times change and you’d better adapt or get left behind..

 

[mom2rtk]

Why would anyone expect the rehearsal dinner venue to be handled by someone other than the ones hosting the event?

When they say the bride's parents pay for the venue, they're talking about the wedding and reception. Never heard of the rehearsal dinner venue being carved out like that.

 

[mom2rtk]

That's the thing it is not a large amount of people. One attendant on each side, the parents and the officiant. Very simple thing turned into a complete misunderstanding. And I tried to discuss it face to face at the cook out. Not a hint that they wanted me or expected me to secure the venue.

With that small of a group, how were they expecting to provide food without a venue?

 

[Piglet]

Why not typewritten snail mail? Why not smoke signals? Times change and you’d better adapt or get left behind..

Some posters take on the very important job of Pot stirrers --- I actually enjoy following their posts on threads. Kind of like "Where's Waldo?"

 

[Kestryl]

Another to chime in that this whole idea for a rehearsal that groom’s family pays for the food and bride’s family pay for the venue is not in any way a “tradition.” I have literally never heard of this, and I frequented a wedding board (with a lot of varied opinions) for a number of years.

I can speculate that some of the members of that wedding board would say that the groom’s family either realized they bit off more than they can chew... or they’re being cheap and trying to claim they “hosted” while passing the bill to you.

 

[wilbret]

Need some wedding etiquette advice: And if I'm wrong, I fully accept that. I've googled and can only come up with what I thought the rule was to begin with but could be thrown to different interpretations I guess. Anyways........We are 6 months from the wedding and I was under the assumption that my daughters in laws would be handling the rehearsal dinner, #1 because her fiancé said they would handle it (nothing else was communicated to me or my daughter by anyone other than her fiancé). So we are at their house for a cook out over the weekend and his mother keeps talking about places we could have the dinner, I just replied that wherever the couple wanted was fine with me. On the way home I mentioned it to my daughter and she said maybe they just want input on where to have it since they aren't from our town. So I sent her soon to be mother in law a nice text the next day with a list of places and what I knew about them and offered to contact some on their behalf and go look at them with them, I also put in a disclaimer that if that was not what they wanted to disregard and let me know what the deal was. (not in those words, lol) I get a reply informing pretty direct that it is the brides parents responsibility to get the venue for the rehearsal dinner and their responsibility was to pay for the food. (now I do understand that this situation is a little different because the venue where the wedding and reception is being held is not available the day before, so we are having the rehearsal where the dinner is and it is just a small wedding party and quick ceremony so will not be an issue) The Grooms aunt that is the day of coordinator (not as a profession, just volunteered) also says that is true and that she was sorry she should have told me. I always interpreted that bit of etiquette was that the grooms parents planned the rehearsal dinner, venue/food whatever. Because let's face it - the brides parents have their hands full. It has been mentioned several times that they would like to help with the wedding (because they have a guest list of twice the number of people than my daughter has). I know that communication is the problem here, but they tip toe around everything and I have no idea what they are thinking. All I get is they don't want to "step on toes" This hit me like a slap in the face and I felt terrible and stupid with the way she worded the text. Their response after was "since we offered to help we'll just go ahead and get the venue too". I certainly don't want to cause a problem for the couple, so I'm letting it go and just getting the venue. But Yes!, I've googled and googled and don't see that listed anywhere. Thoughts???

Groom's parents is the standard. I'd suggest having that conversation with them, as much as it may be uncomfortable. It probably won't be that bad.

If you end up getting stuck with it, might I suggest Arby's? lol

Good luck.

 

[SueInBoston]

This is one of the millions of reasons why we’re cutting both bride and groom a check beforehand to do as they please for all things wedding. It removes the middle men of the Parent In-Laws and Parents. Both our son and daughter are aware of this fact that they both no matter who they are marrying are receiving the same amount of funds for all things wedding. We have always done this with them with all things gifts (birthdays, Christmases, milestones, etc.) It’s up to the bride and groom to make all plans.

In ancient times, it’s the groom’s family that holds and pays for the rehearsal dinner. Yet rehearsal dinners that are used as “family reunions” are way more basic in venue and food i.e. buffet style/paper plates.

Best Idea Ever!!!

 

[wilbret]

Best Idea Ever!!!

Ours was at a brewery, lol, and it was awesome.

 

[Piglet]

Ours was at a brewery, lol, and it was awesome.

That sounds perfect. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a drink.