Wedding Etiquette question - I know you all love these....

[rigs32]

The best part of email or text messages? The information is in writing so I can refresh my memory and there can be no mistaking what was said. The interpretation of that information can go awry, but that can also have with spoken conversations.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think the problem is there are still super outdated assumptions about who pays for what when it comes to weddings.

Exactly how does this work when you have two grooms or two brides, right? "The groom's family pays for ... " Yeah, good luck with that.

 

[fly girl]

Why not typewritten snail mail? Why not smoke signals? Times change and you’d better adapt or get left behind..

I'm dead

That just made me laugh so hard.

 

[mjkacmom]

And in addition to texting being an extremely poor way to communicate important information, this whole large rehearsal dinner nonsense is a bunch of BS.

Anyone involved deserves all the misery they get.

Why, it’s not like it’s a new thing, like gender reveals, rehearsal dinners have been around forever.

 

[fly girl]

OP @Piglet, I have always heard the rehearsal dinner responsibility goes to the grooms family. (That is how we did it.)

As parents of the bride you have enough to do with helping your daughter plan her perfect wedding. Your plate is full already. Even if times change and couples are fitting the bill, I still think that night should go to the groom. The bride and her family are doing the bulk of the planning. The dude can do the rehearsal dinner. Maybe I am old fashioned.

Agree with PP's, overall it was a lack of communication on the bride/grooms part. However, it seems like it is all working out so you are doing the right thing by venting on here and letting it go. It is tough, you want to do everything to help and not add drama and yet it happens anyway. I don't think there is any wedding without some level of stress/chaos. You are handling it well.

 

[EMom]

The groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner. In our case, they lived 4 hours away, so my future MIL asked us to find a venue/restaurant and gave me a CC number to pay for it all. MIL did not believe in budgets, although I did ask for one.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Nope - 100% Grooms family. Why on earth would they want you to pick the place and they pay? Don't they want to have control over what they are paying for and how much they are spending? Just tell the mom that this is not how it is handled on your side and you are already planning the wedding so they are FREE to do whatever they are in cooperation with the Groom and Bride.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Texting about such arrangements.

Why are so many people afraid to speak on the phone? What takes days of back and forth and misunderstandings via text coulda been resolved with a 10 minute phone call.

It's 2021. It is ok to communicate with modern technology. Decades ago everything was done in person or in writing. The old dogs back then shunned phone calls I bet... too.

Progress is fine and this is a perfectly acceptable way to coordinate things.

 

[Piglet]

OP @Piglet, I have always heard the rehearsal dinner responsibility goes to the grooms family. (That is how we did it.)

As parents of the bride you have enough to do with helping your daughter plan her perfect wedding. Your plate is full already. Even if times change and couples are fitting the bill, I still think that night should go to the groom. The bride and her family are doing the bulk of the planning. The dude can do the rehearsal dinner. Maybe I am old fashioned.

Agree with PP's, overall it was a lack of communication on the bride/grooms part. However, it seems like it is all working out so you are doing the right thing by venting on here and letting it go. It is tough, you want to do everything to help and not add drama and yet it happens anyway. I don't think there is any wedding without some level of stress/chaos. You are handling it well.

Thank you! I really appreciate all of these supportive posts. Love that "most" people are. I try hard to get along with everyone and know that not everyone sees things the way I do and am open to hearing every side. We will get past and have a wonderful day for sure. I absolutely love the Groom, he is so kind and a great guy. This is a small hiccup in the grand scheme.

 

[Piglet]

Nope - 100% Grooms family. Why on earth would they want you to pick the place and they pay? Don't they want to have control over what they are paying for and how much they are spending? Just tell the mom that this is not how it is handled on your side and you are already planning the wedding so they are FREE to do whatever they are in cooperation with the Groom and Bride.

I know I was completely baffled and couldn't even believe that this was even an issue.

 

[RedAngie]

Why not typewritten snail mail? Why not smoke signals? Times change and you’d better adapt or get left behind..

I’m quite OK being left behind from those people who are afraid to and/or refuse to communicate via phone.

I was attempting to rent a condo for a week in August at the beach. Looked online and saw a few I liked. I contacted the RE agency by phone (also via e-mail on their website) and the receptionist said an agent would get back to me.

Someone did shortly afterward—-by text. We went back and forth a bit but it got confusing rather quickly. Her texts were full of horrible misspellings and ridiculous unprofessional “text speak.” I texted “we’re not being clear with each other. Can I call you?”

She replied “I prefer to text.”

My response “I prefer to deal with an agent who will accommodate a potential client’s desires. Go f yourself.” F word spelled out.

The condo was listed with several agencies and a different agent got the commission. One who listened to the client.

Texting is OK for some things but not some other things.

 

[Pink Partridge]

She replied “I prefer to text.”

My response “I prefer to deal with an agent who will accommodate a potential client’s desires. Go f yourself.” F word spelled out.

I would want to text/email with a client due to paper trail. That was an unstable reply on your part, so I am sure the agent was very happy not to speak to someone that said something so crass as "Go F yourself". My goodness. I truly don't know of any mentally balanced adult that talks like that to someone. You surprised me, RedAngie. You really did.

I also think text/email is perfectly fine when going back and forth for a wedding. That way people can look back and check what someone said. Things get lost or forgotten when verbally speaking.

 

[_19disnA]

Bride & Groom need to take the lead on issues such as how many are being invited, who pays for what and what the specific budget will be. Weddings are a LOT more expensive then in the past and with a large number of people invited, perhaps a sit-down meal, costs can climb quickly. While it isn't bad to START to get some some general ideas online of suggestions about who pays for what, it also depends on what the parents of each side are able to afford. Even if money is no object for one of the families, you still have no idea how much they plan to provide for the wedding. You aren't going to find the answer to what works for your particular situation by looking at any online etiquette websites.

Texting is OK for some things but not some other things.

I agree that trying to have a conversation about wedding costs isn't something I would do by text. Texting is good for yes/no type of questions, but certainly not anything as complicated as planning for who pays for which part of a wedding.

 

[KrazeeK120]

I got married in 2006. I still live in the same city where I grew up, DH is from 45 minutes away. I’m trying really hard to think of a way to say this without sounding like a horrible mean person, but my MIL wasn’t really the sharpest tool in the shed, nor was she into any kind of event planning (FIL was already deceased at the time). She was more than happy to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but wanted us to handle the logistics. And knowing her, that was 100% fine with us. However, had I married someone whose family was into that kind of thing, I also would have been fine with them doing everything. We did select the venue for the reception, but my parents handled everything for that.

I think it’s just really important for the 2 families to communicate expectations. I am in the “rehearsal is the groom’s family’s responsibility” camp, but they may not want to (or have the means to) contribute in that way. But if they don’t, I’d say that falls on the bride & groom, not on the bride’s family.

 

[Piglet]

I got married in 2006. I still live in the same city where I grew up, DH is from 45 minutes away. I’m trying really hard to think of a way to say this without sounding like a horrible mean person, but my MIL wasn’t really the sharpest tool in the shed, nor was she into any kind of event planning (FIL was already deceased at the time). She was more than happy to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but wanted us to handle the logistics. And knowing her, that was 100% fine with us. However, had I married someone whose family was into that kind of thing, I also would have been fine with them doing everything. We did select the venue for the reception, but my parents handled everything for that.

I think it’s just really important for the 2 families to communicate expectations. I am in the “rehearsal is the groom’s family’s responsibility” camp, but they may not want to (or have the means to) contribute in that way. But if they don’t, I’d say that falls on the bride & groom, not on the bride’s family.

In this case, they absolutely do have the means. They have stated it several times.

 

[White Cat]

Just skip having a rehearsal dinner.

 

[HopperFan]

Need some wedding etiquette advice: ..... I get a reply informing pretty direct that it is the brides parents responsibility to get the venue for the rehearsal dinner and their responsibility was to pay for the food. ..... The Grooms aunt that is the day of coordinator (not as a profession, just volunteered) also says that is true and that she was sorry she should have told me. ...... Thoughts???

Your DD in-laws are wrong, the aunt is wrong and you are right.

I have never ever heard of the bride's parents paying for the rehearsal dinner unless they didn't pay for the wedding. My DSis wanted a bigger wedding than my mother could afford so her and her fiance paid for their own wedding and my Mom paid for a lovely rehearsal dinner. (He had been married before and his parents couldn't afford a rehearsal dinner at this point in their lives). EVERY SINGLE OTHER wedding in our family and friends were paid for by groom parents. Yes, in todays time different options for who assists financially occurs but that is all settled before any plans are made. Since you are hosting the wedding, then it's up to someone else to host the rehearsal.

DD just got married, we paid for the entire wedding (and we also had far less guests on the list) and DD in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner. Rehearse at venue then left to go to a restaurant party room. Just wedding party, siblings and spouses. As parents to the bride we had no input and just showed up.

You are already taking on a big expense and responsibility. I personally would step out of this and have the Bride and Groom coordinate and make all plans with the in-laws. This should never have been put on your lap.

PS Congrats!

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I think the problem is there are still super outdated assumptions about who pays for what when it comes to weddings. It's 2021 and all that stuff is meaningless anymore. All parties who will be involved should sit down and have a realistic finances talk before wedding planning ever starts.

The reason those "outdated assumptions" exist is to prevent exactly situations like that in this thread from arising. In general, it's the groom's family that hosts and pays. Therefore they handle the arrangements and they handle who is invited beyond those participating in the rehearsal if any. If other arrangements need to be made, they need to be made and agreed to before hand. One such example would be if two gentlemen or two ladies want to get married. I guess both families may want to host both together. And that's ok as long as it's agreed to before hand.

And in addition to texting being an extremely poor way to communicate important information, this whole large rehearsal dinner nonsense is a bunch of BS.

Anyone involved deserves all the misery they get.

Rehearsal dinners don't have to be for a large amount of people. To me, having 15 bridesmaids and 15 groomsmen or someone attempting to turn the rehearsal dinner into a family or fraternity/sorority reunion are different issues than having a rehearsal dinner in general. This ever increasing nuclear arms race of more and more attendants when you probably only really need 3 or so max is baffling to me and probably worthy of it's own closed thread. No wonder the average wedding cost $33,900 not including the price of the honeymoon. Ours cost $5,000 and I thought that rather lavish. Compared to today's overkill, we were 88 and out the gate.

I’m quite OK being left behind from those people who are afraid to and/or refuse to communicate via phone.

I was attempting to rent a condo for a week in August at the beach. Looked online and saw a few I liked. I contacted the RE agency by phone (also via e-mail on their website) and the receptionist said an agent would get back to me.

Someone did shortly afterward—-by text. We went back and forth a bit but it got confusing rather quickly. Her texts were full of horrible misspellings and ridiculous unprofessional “text speak.” I texted “we’re not being clear with each other. Can I call you?”

She replied “I prefer to text.”

My response “I prefer to deal with an agent who will accommodate a potential client’s desires. Go f yourself.” F word spelled out.

The condo was listed with several agencies and a different agent got the commission. One who listened to the client.

Texting is OK for some things but not some other things.

It would be a safe bet that agent was already with a client when she texted you too. Hence why she didn't want to talk on the phone. As if texting other clients while with one isn't as BM as talking on the phone while with a client.

 

[RedAngie]

I would want to text/email with a client due to paper trail. That was an unstable reply on your part, so I am sure the agent was very happy not to speak to someone that said something so crass as "Go F yourself". My goodness. I truly don't know of any mentally balanced adult that talks like that to someone. You surprised me, RedAngie. You really did.

The paper trail was the lease that was e-mailed to me for approval before being electronically signed.

I have no regrets about dealing with the snot-nosed agent the way I did.

 

[prairie_girl]

I’m quite OK being left behind from those people who are afraid to and/or refuse to communicate via phone.

I was attempting to rent a condo for a week in August at the beach. Looked online and saw a few I liked. I contacted the RE agency by phone (also via e-mail on their website) and the receptionist said an agent would get back to me.

Someone did shortly afterward—-by text. We went back and forth a bit but it got confusing rather quickly. Her texts were full of horrible misspellings and ridiculous unprofessional “text speak.” I texted “we’re not being clear with each other. Can I call you?”

She replied “I prefer to text.”

My response “I prefer to deal with an agent who will accommodate a potential client’s desires. Go f yourself.” F word spelled out.

The condo was listed with several agencies and a different agent got the commission. One who listened to the client.

Texting is OK for some things but not some other things.

So, you called HER unprofessional..and then swore at her? I’m sure she’s glad she dodged a bullet.