Wedding Etiquette question - I know you all love these....

[MamaMermaid]

Groom's family is supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner if we are going with "traditional" etiquette. FWIW, my husband and I paid for our rehearsal dinner because his parents didn't offer. Looking back, we should've just skipped it.

Sorry for the mess you're in OP!

 

[dvcgirl67]

Groom's side handles rehearsal dinner. I'm not clear on the "venue" cost for a rehearsal dinner as it is usually just at a restaurant.

All of these wedding threads make me happy that DH and I paid for our own wedding...rehearsal dinner included. It was a destination wedding as well and small, just 50 of our closest family and friends. Our parents did each give us a nice gift, 5K from each...and they didn't even coordinate that, just coincidence. We had just witnessed a wedding on each side of our families back then that had gotten out of control with respect to hard feelings over the invitation list, who was paying for this or that...and we just didn't want it. We were also well established in our careers by then at age 29 and 30 and it felt silly to ask our newly retired parents to pony up for our wedding. Honestly, they all seemed incredibly relieved, and we had the best time. There's just so much needless stress around weddings and honestly, the only people who are truly invested are the couple, parents and maybe a few close family members.

 

[piccolopat]

Too many people have fallen into the wedding industry trap that says you "have to have" an engagement party, multiple showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, bridal tea, rehearsal dinner, large & fancy reception, after party, next day brunch, etc. The focus should be on the union of the couple. All of the rest is just like so many of those "Hallmark holidays". It is not necessary to have a rehearsal dinner but if there is one the tradition has always been that it is hosted and paid for by the groom's parents. Let the couple discuss this and then they can decide if there should be a rehearsal dinner and if so they can discuss details and get agreement with whom they think handles what. It is their wedding, after all.

 

[Lynne G]

Eh, when I got married almost 30 years ago, we did not even have a rehearsal dinner.

Congratulations to your daughter and her fiancé on their upcoming wedding. Yeah, stress is part of most every wedding.

 

[Piglet]

Yes, it seems rather bizarre to me that they believe this is "correct". Obviously people can do whatever they want (if you had a discussion and decided to split costs like this), but to assume that this is understood as something universally known is really odd.

Is it the norm in your area to have a catered venue for a rehearsal dinner? I have lived in several different areas of the US and have never seen it. In my experience the rehearsal dinner tends to be small (just the wedding party) and usually takes place at a restaurant so that's why the groom's family/host would just be paying for the food (since there is no "venue" cost). Weddings that I have been a part of that had larger rehearsal dinners were catered at the bride's parents home (but the groom's parents paid for the food). Again, no venue cost.

My own wedding was a four day long ordeal with multiple receptions and even that didn't have a "venue" cost for the rehearsal dinner (we had a section/room in a restaurant).

It isn't the norm, but the venue for the wedding and reception was not available for the day before for the rehearsal, so we needed somewhere to have the small rehearsal as well -- which is why I had went ahead and booked a place a few months ago. The place that I had booked didn't charge for the use of the space and just for the meal. At the time the groom told me that his parents wanted to handle it, I asked if they wanted the place because I had it reserved and was told they were looking around. So I cancelled.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Yes, it seems rather bizarre to me that they believe this is "correct". Obviously people can do whatever they want (if you had a discussion and decided to split costs like this), but to assume that this is understood as something universally known is really odd.

Is it the norm in your area to have a catered venue for a rehearsal dinner? I have lived in several different areas of the US and have never seen it. In my experience the rehearsal dinner tends to be small (just the wedding party) and usually takes place at a restaurant so that's why the groom's family/host would just be paying for the food (since there is no "venue" cost). Weddings that I have been a part of that had larger rehearsal dinners were catered at the bride's parents home (but the groom's parents paid for the food). Again, no venue cost.

My own wedding was a four day long ordeal with multiple receptions and even that didn't have a "venue" cost for the rehearsal dinner (we had a section/room in a restaurant).

The wedding party, immediate family and out-of-town guests are traditionally invited to the rehearsal dinner. The plus ones can get a bit tricky.

 

[HopperFan]

Is it the norm in your area to have a catered venue for a rehearsal dinner? I have lived in several different areas of the US and have never seen it. In my experience the rehearsal dinner tends to be small (just the wedding party) and usually takes place at a restaurant so that's why the groom's family/host would just be paying for the food (since there is no "venue" cost). Weddings that I have been a part of that had larger rehearsal dinners were catered at the bride's parents home (but the groom's parents paid for the food). Again, no venue cost.

It is very normal here (Atlanta). I'm not from here and other places I have lived do the same. Usually in a restaurants event/private dining room (never in the public dining room) or an rented event space with caterers. I would say the restaurant event space was the most common but fewer restaurants seem to have those, but many cool buildings and event spaces have become common place to rent and bring in the food.

DS was in one that was a college's greenhouse room, I know many that are at breweries in event room with caterer, DD just was in a party room in back of restaurant historic building. Goal is usually a space in close proximity to wedding venue and hotels to keep down transportation costs.

I have never known anyone to host at a groom's home let alone bride's. When we got married I told in-laws just have cook out at their house - they were mortified, and said no.

 

[belle032]

Threads like these make me so happy we had a destination wedding.

 

[Piglet]

This is the part that makes it confusing I think. If it is just dinner, then whatever, it can be anywhere. But if you also have to have the ACTUAL REHEARSAL at the dinner venue... that is more complicated. Most restaurants wouldn't have enough room for that, would they? I can see how the groom's parents would expect you to get a venue for the actual rehearsal.

And that is why I thought maybe I was wrong in thinking they should be getting it, but they knew that from the start we would not have the venue to use and the place that I had secured before, thinking I'd just cover it, does not charge for the space and just the meals. All I needed to hear was we'll cover the food for the rehearsal - even in a text would have been that simple. Passive Aggressive is how I would describe the vibe I'm getting from them.

 

[Piglet]

Threads like these make me so happy we had a destination wedding.

I tried to talk them into it. Bride felt she would regret it -- like all little girls dream of. But I don't think she would have.

 

[HopperFan]

Threads like these make me so happy we had a destination wedding.

I tried to talk them into it. Bride felt she would regret it -- like all little girls dream of. But I don't think she would have.

DD had always talked destination wedding and we have beach home in great location for weddings. Then when she found her someone he comes from big party family and played football so has no idea what "small" groups are.

So then I began to offer CASH for down payment on a house. DD eyes lit up, she surely would rather start in a nice house than have party.

Guess who balked? Father of the Bride wanted to do his thing and the Groom. Seriously?

Once we got planning DD enjoyed it (she never had a little girls dream other than barefoot on the beach), she was one of last cousins to marry so Father of Bride was all about it being the best wedding yet and I don't mind doing some heavy lifting to move cash into other important areas like top tier food. It was a huge success, the couple were thrilled, the guests were all compliments and the in-laws impressed. Everyone was happy and I just let go of thinking about how that amount of money could have been used for a house.

 

[tzolkin]

The wedding party, immediate family and out-of-town guests are traditionally invited to the rehearsal dinner. The plus ones can get a bit tricky.

For most weddings I have attended, that would be the same number of people as for the actual wedding reception. We had 25-30 people at our rehearsal dinner. It was easy to find a private room/section at a restaurant for that size group.

Usually in a restaurants event/private dining room (never in the public dining room) or an rented event space with caterers. I would say the restaurant event space was the most common but fewer restaurants seem to have those, but many cool buildings and event spaces have become common place to rent and bring in the food.

The restaurant private dining room/event space is what I have most often seen, but that, to me, is not the same as a venue/food costs that would be separate. I was picturing from the OP that the expectation was a full venue and food like for the wedding reception. Do some people do that? Sure, but definitely not the norm to where it should have been common knowledge like the groom's family made it seem

We had a brunch reception the morning after our wedding for the close family that was from out of town (~100 people). It was a private event at a bed and breakfast where many stayed the night before. This was a popular location for wedding receptions and we occupied the full space that would have been used for a wedding. But even for that, the price was just a per person fee. There was no separate venue cost to be paid by one family and food to be paid by another like the OP describes.

 

[HopperFan]

The wedding party, immediate family and out-of-town guests are traditionally invited to the rehearsal dinner. The plus ones can get a bit tricky.

For us and many other weddings we attended the out-of-town guests are not invited unless they are parent or grandparents. For DD wedding if we had invited all the out of town guests that would have made it around 100 people. Was only Wedding Party, Grandparents, Siblings and Spouses.

The restaurant private dining room/event space is what I have most often seen, but that, to me, is not the same as a venue/food costs that would be separate. I was picturing from the OP that the expectation was a full venue and food like for the wedding reception. Do some people do that? Sure, but definitely not the norm to where it should have been common knowledge like the groom's family made it seem

I guess my info ran into each other. We either do it in a restaurants private dining room OR we do it at a venue with catering.

The venue with catering is the most popular way to do it since most restaurants don't have private dining rooms it seems and you get more flexibility. So yes, you pay for the venue and you pay the caterer and sometimes you are required to use certain ones and sometimes you are permitted to bring it in yourself. Depends on their permitting and insurance. It tends to be less structured and your only expensive is room rental fee and the food & drinks. If brewery, distillery etc you usually have to serve their liquor.

It is the norm here BUT it is the norm for the groom's family to pay for the entire thing and the bride's family just shows up.

 

[Piglet]

DD had always talked destination wedding and we have beach home in great location for weddings. Then when she found her someone he comes from big party family and played football so has no idea what "small" groups are.

So then I began to offer CASH for down payment on a house. DD eyes lit up, she surely would rather start in a nice house than have party.

Guess who balked? Father of the Bride wanted to do his thing and the Groom. Seriously?

Once we got planning DD enjoyed it (she never had a little girls dream other than barefoot on the beach), she was one of last cousins to marry so Father of Bride was all about it being the best wedding yet and I don't mind doing some heavy lifting to move cash into other important areas like top tier food. It was a huge success, the couple were thrilled, the guests were all compliments and the in-laws impressed. Everyone was happy and I just let go of thinking about how that amount of money could have been used for a house.

Yep sometimes you have to make dreams come true, even if it is for the Father of the Bride.

 

[Piglet]

For most weddings I have attended, that would be the same number of people as for the actual wedding reception. We had 25-30 people at our rehearsal dinner. It was easy to find a private room/section at a restaurant for that size group.


The restaurant private dining room/event space is what I have most often seen, but that, to me, is not the same as a venue/food costs that would be separate. I was picturing from the OP that the expectation was a full venue and food like for the wedding reception. Do some people do that? Sure, but definitely not the norm to where it should have been common knowledge like the groom's family made it seem

We had a brunch reception the morning after our wedding for the close family that was from out of town (~100 people). It was a private event at a bed and breakfast where many stayed the night before. This was a popular location for wedding receptions and we occupied the full space that would have been used for a wedding. But even for that, the price was just a per person fee. There was no separate venue cost to be paid by one family and food to be paid by another like the OP describes.

And we are in a rural area where we can use church community buildings and like I said previously there is a place that doesn't even charge for using the venue if we get the food from them. Which still baffles me as to why that wasn't good enough in the first place with a quick message that Hey we'll cover the food for that!

 

[mrodgers]

IMO, it should be what the bride and groom want and what money the families are willing to give them. I really don't like this "groom's family is responsible for x, y, z and bride's family is responsible for a, b, c". What if the families are at different economic points?

As far as guest list, again, up to bride and groom. If they only want 100 (whatever number) people at the wedding, they get to decide how many each "entity" can invite.

This because people are mistaking responsible for tradition. The only people responsible for a wedding are the 2 people getting married.

We paid 100% for everything.

 

[Skywalker]

My friend's rehearsal dinner was pizza and drinks back at the groom's parents place - and it was soooooo fun. Sometimes people over complicate things

 

[Pink Partridge]

My friend's rehearsal dinner was pizza and drinks back at the groom's parents place - and it was soooooo fun. Sometimes people over complicate things

This is something I would really enjoy! How relaxing and calm the night before The Big Day.

 

[tcufrog]

I guess we were super untraditional. It seems to have worked though because we're still married 19 years later. We moved in together a month before we got engaged so I could afford to pay for grad school plus so we could save for the weddings. (Indian and American). My parents offered us a generous amount of money that we could use to pay for a wedding or house. We chose to use the money to help pay for the weddings and had no regrets. While they offered their opinions and advice, we ultimately made the decisions ourselves. My MIL didn't want us to get married because she wanted my DH to have an arranged marriage. There's no way my DH would have consented to that even if we had not met. She was also upset that my parents weren't going to pay her a dowry. There's no way she would have paid for an American tradition she didn't understand (rehearsal dinner).

We paid for the rehearsal dinner and it was a lot of fun. We had it at our local Hard Rock, which used to be housed in a historic courthouse. It was in a private room that was brought over in its entirety from a British castle by a rock star (can't remember who). We could only afford to invite the wedding party but we invited our out-of-town guests over after dinner for dessert and a cash bar. That worked out really well because they were all former college friends who were happy to meet up with each other and weren't too picky.