Wedding Etiquette question - I know you all love these....

[EMom]

I would want to text/email with a client due to paper trail. That was an unstable reply on your part, so I am sure the agent was very happy not to speak to someone that said something so crass as "Go F yourself". My goodness. I truly don't know of any mentally balanced adult that talks like that to someone. You surprised me, RedAngie. You really did.

I also think text/email is perfectly fine when going back and forth for a wedding. That way people can look back and check what someone said. Things get lost or forgotten when verbally speaking.

But if you refuse to communicate by phone and rely on written communication only, you should be clear and precise. If not, such a response is fitting.

 

[Pink Partridge]

The paper trail was the lease that was e-mailed to me for approval before being electronically signed.

I have no regrets about dealing with the snot-nosed agent the way I did.

How is saying "I prefer texting" snotty? And even if that is how you took that statement, what you said was so incredibly vulgar and shocking. Certainly not a normal response.

Perhaps the agent was in a meeting? Perhaps she is hard of hearing? Perhaps speaking on the phone gives her anxiety? Whatever the case, she didn't deserve your response.

 

[Pink Partridge]

But if you refuse to communicate by phone and rely on written communication only, you should be clear and precise. If not, such a response is fitting.

Are you saying "Go F yourself" is a fitting response to someone saying they prefer to text?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

So this seems to be a weird mixture of odd expectations and lack of communication probably further compounded by the groom's preferred way of passing everything past his parents. He may have genuinely thought they would handle it but then talked to his parents who then said "no this is how it needs/should be done" and that part didn't get back to you.

This is one of the better examples for why couples should be the main ones making wedding decisions. And in this case it should have been clearly expressed to all and any changes subsequently addressed to those involved.

I'm not so against the text part. Interpretations get awry no matter what method of communication you use.

I would say it's more out of the norm for an expectation to be one side (whomever) pays for the food and the other side pays for the venue. For a rehearsal dinner it's usually a packaged deal. Maybe the overall costs at some point for some rehearsal dinners are split if that's how the couple wants (or their parents) although that can lead to issues too.

OP you're not really in the wrong here, IMO I agree with a few other posters this was something the couple needs to just buck up and say. Financial commitments can make people feel uncomfortable discussing because etiquette-wise we're normally taught to not talk about money and finances but this is a place where clear communication is best.

The groom's aunt may have just been going along with the groom's parents.

FWIW my husband and I planned and paid for our own wedding and we're glad we did. It kept a lot of the drama down and stress down. We knew we wanted to make certain decisions with our guests in mind and while my mother-in-law had a minor push in some things (telling us we couldn't invite so and so because she didn't get along with them but then wanting us to invite so and so) we held our ground. We enjoyed sharing details about the wedding but kept the decision all up to us. We were in our mid-20s at that point. It's not for everyone to plan their own wedding and pay for it but in modern times it's a consideration that is more common than it used to be.

 

[DisneyHardin]

Since the in laws live fairly close by, I would have also expected them to choose a venue. When I got married 13 years ago, my in laws lived in the same town as me, so they chose the restaurant for our rehearsal dinner and did all the planning of the meal. When my sister got married 4 years ago, her in laws are not from our city and had no idea what were nice places, so my sister and her husband chose the venue and planned the meal and the in laws just paid the bill at the end.

 

[mamamary]

I wonder if groom’s parents are divorced do they split it amongst the divorced couple?

 

[focusondisney]

I’m not quite sure I understand who is actually paying for what in the OP. The future in laws want to OP to get the venue? As in pay for the venue? And they will pay for just the food? I don’t know of many places that separate the venue from the food. Unless it is at a religious hall, Veterans post etc. With the small amount of people that the OP expects, I doubly it will be someplace like that.


Or do the in laws expect the OP to pick & reserve a place, but they will pay for everything. They just don’t want to decide on a place??

And I agree, the rehearsal dinner (all aspects of it) is traditionally hosted by the grooms family. But in this day & age, anyone can pay for anything. Including the couple. It’s all about communication!

 

[sbristol]

My folks ended up paying for the rehearsal dinner after my in-laws card was declined. I think that communication is always key.... My husband was in a wedding just before Covid and there was no formal rehearsal dinner since the Bride and Groom paid for everything themselves. We all ended up eating at a restaurant after the rehearsal and everyone chipped in for the Bride and Groom's meal. I think that "traditional" is not as prominent as it once was.

 

[Piglet]

I’m not quite sure I understand who is actually paying for what in the OP. The future in laws want to OP to get the venue? As in pay for the venue? And they will pay for just the food? I don’t know of many places that separate the venue from the food. Unless it is at a religious hall, Veterans post etc. With the small amount of people that the OP expects, I doubly it will be someplace like that.


Or do the in laws expect the OP to pick & reserve a place, but they will pay for everything. They just don’t want to decide on a place??

And I agree, the rehearsal dinner (all aspects of it) is traditionally hosted by the grooms family. But in this day & age, anyone can pay for anything. Including the couple. It’s all about communication!

Your first paragraph is correct. And I did not mind at all taking care of it as I did have a venue and food already set up then cancelled once the groom said they wanted to take care of it. The irony of this all, is that they want to have it at the same place that I already at one time had booked. And I 100% agree on the communication. I sat in their house Monday face to face and it was talked about but couldn't be clear or even ask. Maybe my fault for assuming they were handling it all, once the groom said that.

 

[maxaroni]

We were married 40 years ago and it was fairly traditional. My parents said they would pay for the wedding, my in laws paid for the rehearsal dinner. We kept the rehearsal dinner to the wedding party and their spouses (or SO), parents and grandparent.

DS28 got married last year and he and his wife were planning on paying for their wedding. We had said prior to DS even having a girlfriend, whoever he married, we would pay for the rehearsal dinner. Just thinking “tradition”, we wanted to do it and had no problem with it. What DIL’s parents did was to give them some money toward any part of the wedding that they chose to. DIL’s brother also got married last year and she did the same for them, as well as paying for their rehearsal dinner. Everything was communicated and seemed to go well. However, they were to have gotten married in April, postponed due to covid. At that time, DIL wanted to add out of the area relatives on her side to the rehearsal dinner. It nearly doubled what we had thought. We discussed it and ultimately said it was fine. Financially we were able to do it and we wanted the day to be about them. We understood her reasoning and felt if it was important to her, it was fine. At the end of the day, all of that went by the wayside as covid had other plans and people had to be cut, etc. The rehearsal dinner wound up just being the wedding party, spouses, parents and grandparents…1 aunt as well.

Long story short, communication is the key. If following any sort of “tradition”, the grooms parents pays for the rehearsal dinner. Although, these days anything goes and again, it’s about communication. My DS & DIL didn’t do much that was traditional, no bouquet toss, garter toss, they did “first look”, she didn’t want to wear her grandmothers necklace, or anything of that sort.

 

[tzolkin]

Why would anyone expect the rehearsal dinner venue to be handled by someone other than the ones hosting the event?

I’m not quite sure I understand who is actually paying for what in the OP. The future in laws want to OP to get the venue? As in pay for the venue? And they will pay for just the food? I don’t know of many places that separate the venue from the food.

Yes, it seems rather bizarre to me that they believe this is "correct". Obviously people can do whatever they want (if you had a discussion and decided to split costs like this), but to assume that this is understood as something universally known is really odd.

Is it the norm in your area to have a catered venue for a rehearsal dinner? I have lived in several different areas of the US and have never seen it. In my experience the rehearsal dinner tends to be small (just the wedding party) and usually takes place at a restaurant so that's why the groom's family/host would just be paying for the food (since there is no "venue" cost). Weddings that I have been a part of that had larger rehearsal dinners were catered at the bride's parents home (but the groom's parents paid for the food). Again, no venue cost.

My own wedding was a four day long ordeal with multiple receptions and even that didn't have a "venue" cost for the rehearsal dinner (we had a section/room in a restaurant).

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Yes, it seems rather bizarre to me that they believe this is "correct". Obviously people can do whatever they want (if you had a discussion and decided to split costs like this), but to assume that this is understood as something universally known is really odd.

Is it the norm in your area to have a catered venue for a rehearsal dinner? I have lived in several different areas of the US and have never seen it. In my experience the rehearsal dinner tends to be small (just the wedding party) and usually takes place at a restaurant so that's why the groom's family/host would just be paying for the food (since there is no "venue" cost). Weddings that I have been a part of that had larger rehearsal dinners were catered at the bride's parents home (but the groom's parents paid for the food). Again, no venue cost.

My own wedding was a four day long ordeal with multiple receptions and even that didn't have a "venue" cost for the rehearsal dinner (we had a section/room in a restaurant).

I can't speak for the OP, but where I'm from it's common to rent a venue for the rehearsal dinner & have the meal catered. There are usually large(ish) wedding parties. Normally, extended family members & very close friends of the bride & groom's parents are also invited. The groom's parents pay for the venue & food, unless they're the type that either won't pay for anything or want to pick & choose the few things they're willing to pay for. The pick & choose thing only happened once in our family & it was a disaster. I felt so bad for my niece.

 

[NotUrsula]

Yes, usually rehearsal dinners are small enough that they are simply held in an open restaurant at a reserved table (or 2). Very seldom do you see one that has a large wedding party large enough to require an actual banquet facility.

I did tend to see that happen on occasion when I was a banquet waiter in New Orleans, because we often saw lots of out-of-towners come in for weddings there. (Not as destination weddings, but in the case where the bride was local and the groom was from somewhere else. Lots of people like to go to New Orleans when a relative gets married there; as the food and hospitality are so well known. It is usual that out-of-town guests of the groom's side are also invited to the rehearsal dinner, and in New Orleans the distant-cousin acceptance rate seems to run higher, LOL.)

 

[Ellie008]

now I do understand that this situation is a little different because the venue where the wedding and reception is being held is not available the day before, so we are having the rehearsal where the dinner is and it is just a small wedding party and quick ceremony so will not be an issue

This is the part that makes it confusing I think. If it is just dinner, then whatever, it can be anywhere. But if you also have to have the ACTUAL REHEARSAL at the dinner venue... that is more complicated. Most restaurants wouldn't have enough room for that, would they? I can see how the groom's parents would expect you to get a venue for the actual rehearsal.

 

[Katie Dawn]

I agree that "traditionally" the groom's parents would cover any expenses related to the rehearsal dinner.

Having one family pay for the venue and a different family pay for the food, from a "traditional" stand point, doesn't make any sense. What if the bride's family chose a very expensive venue and the groom's family couldn't afford the catering costs? Two different families trying to coordinate and tip toe around what they can afford doesn't seem ideal.

 

[maxaroni]

This is the part that makes it confusing I think. If it is just dinner, then whatever, it can be anywhere. But if you also have to have the ACTUAL REHEARSAL at the dinner venue... that is more complicated. Most restaurants wouldn't have enough room for that, would they? I can see how the groom's parents would expect you to get a venue for the actual rehearsal.

You don’t really need a whole lot of room for a rehearsal. When DH & I got married, the priest basically had us all together and we went through who walks down the aisle with who, where do they stand, what did the best man do if he is the one with the rings, the maid of honor to fix my train as I moved around, etc. We sort of ran through it quickly. Done in 20 minutes. For DS and DIL, the officiant did basically the same thing. The rehearsal dinner was at a restaurant and the way our area of the restaurant we had, it felt as if we had a room to ourselves. We were not in a room but they moved bookcases to make it feel like a room. We went through things and 15-20 minutes later it was done.

 

[toesmom]

I think this depends on the couple also. I know some couples (within my own family also) who live together and eventually plan to get married, which is really not traditional. So, if the couple is already living together, it's no longer traditional situation, and you aren't bound by the traditions of who pays for what. I think it's great to contribute to wedding, but I don't think there is obligation in this case. I'm assuming the OP's daughter is doing things the traditional way, so in that case, groom's family would be expected to pay for rehearsal dinner. Is it possible that MIL doesn't know about the traditions for who pays for what? I think a family meeting with the couple is good start to avoid any resentments. Very exciting time, happy planning, and congratulations!

 

[TLSnell1981]

Traditionally the wedding is the bride's show. The groom gets control of the rehearsal dinner. Either can be elaborate or simple. Although the couple should voice their wishes because nothing is set in stone.

I hate money squabbles. These issues should be settled in advance...avoids unnecessary stress and hurt feelings.

 

[bapcap]

We paid for our daughter’s wedding many years ago and also paid for the rehearsal dinner(groom’s family was not financially able to pay anything). When our son got engaged last Fall, we gave them a check in the amount we paid for daughter’s wedding. They got married last month and we again paid for and had the rehearsal dinner at our home. My elderly mother could not understand why we gave our son money for the wedding...she kept saying, “ it’s the bride’s family responsibility“. Unfortunately, they did not offer any $$ or help.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

Unless you already have a close relationship with the groom's parents (and it sounds like you don't yet), I think I would just ask my daughter to talk with her future husband and decide how they want to handle this situation. It's really up to the groom to clarify whether or not his parents want to pay for the rehearsal dinner.

If the answer is "yes" I'd email the parents to say that their son has said they have kindly offered to host the rehearsal dinner, and I wanted to thank them and offer any help I could be as an extra set of hands in my home town.

If the answer is "no", then after talking with the bride and groom, I'd just send a nice email to my daughter (with a cc to the groom and his parents) reviewing the decision our family has made about the festivities the night before the wedding, and indicating that I was doing it because I just wanted to keep everything clear and everyone in the loop.