Staring at other people's children (ie tantrums, crying etc.)

[Earstou]

If I am out somewhere and see a meltdown in progress is it okay to ask if there is anything I can do?

When my ds was really little, it was hard for me to handle him (he's calmed down tremendously!) because of my own invisible disabliities, so there WERE times I really would have appreciated another adult to lend a helping hand for just a second or two! But I will also say, don't be offended if the parent doesn't give you much notice, because sometimes we have to devote ALL our attention to the child at that particular moment!

Also - for those of you with ASD kids....did you have any signs when your kids were babies that something wasnt quite right?

At 6 weeks old, my ds started crying everytime someone held him. He also would be awakened by the slightest noise. When he was older (crawling), he didn't respond to us talking to him, but did respond to other noises. He also refused to make eye contact. He didn't even try to take a step until he was 13 months old, then the day he took his first step, he could walk across the house by that night, as though he had been walking for weeks! Then he wanted to always be walking (no strollers, no handholding) and would just leave us without a backward glance. He was "wild" when we were out in public, but calm at home. I could go on, but that's probably enough for now!!!
I am very thankful that alot of his "wild" behavior has disappeared, as my own illness is progressive and there is no way I could handle that behavior at this time. We only have the occassional meltdowns now.

 

[BethanyF]

As Im writing this I am realizing my thought are kinda disjointed. But this gives you an idea of what us 'special' moms deal with....our lives are sometimes disjointed since we cant always predict our kids' reactions and behaviors.

Sam was dx'd on the spectrum just after he turned 4. Being my only child I didnt really think to add up all the quirks (crashing, spinning, not wanting to be held, ear covering, etc) Once I started ot realize there was something different, I had him checked and he was found ot be on the spectrum. I would have never guessed...until that point I was one of those that thought autism=rainman. He is aspergers and sensory integration dysfuntion.
He is social, to an extent. He plays along side other kids, but never really gets involved in group games. Although at school he will participate in group discussions.
He has several obsessions that tend to creep into almost all of his conversations, although we (parents, school staff, etc) are working on this.
He is very loving, wants ot sit on my lap constantly (he likes the pressure of sitting on me better than sitting on the couch). LOVES giving and receiving hugs (again, deep pressure)
He still chews on things like a teething baby. Again, this is for sensory input.
He totally freaks out at the prospect of being near a parade...too much audio and visual input combined. He had a total meltdown on Main Street USA when he realized it was 2:50 and almost aprade time. He can not view fireworks from a location near the noise. Although he loves ot watch them from a mile or so away.
He recently started having anxiety attacks about inconsequential things (who is going to be at the WDW Christmas parade?, when will the treat chart at school get filled? will it fill in time for the party? and so on) The staff at school never sees these attacks since he forces himself to please everyone at school. He got a detention last year (long story) and still dwells on it. He is afraid that if he isnt 'perfect' he will get another detention and be labeled as 'bad' Therefore the need to be 'good' at school.

Well, he is just about to walk in the door from school and has been looking forward to watching Cinderella for the past 2 months.

again, sorry for the rambling, disjointed post

 

[momof1princess]

i just wanted to say thank you to the OP for giving me some insight-a boy in my DD's 2nd grade class is autistic, and i'll admit i don't always understand his behaviors, but i attribute them to his autism and stress to my daughter that he's no different from her, he just sometimes learns things a little slower or in a different way. i'm not phased by tantrums, lol, my DD's had plenty in her day, and my first thought would probably be "poor mom and dad". however, last week at WDW (i believe at MK) i saw a woman actually shaking her child (probably 5 or 6 yo) and YELLING at him to shut up crying and tell her what he wanted. THAT i find appalling. Big hugs and pixie dust to you for taking the time to share your experiences with us.

Donya
*was in MGM this time last week*

 

[RADOPT]

My young children have stared at situations like you discribe. I explain to them that some children have different ways of expressing themselves due to situations we may not know about. Many times the children are simply very over tired or not feeling safe in a over stimulating environment. They usually walk away wishing they could help. Often they want to take time out to pray for the family.

The children that stare never both me - it's the adults that open their big mouths. We've had a few children in the 12 years who have seen my daughter 'sdifficult times ask if she was ok and if they could do something! What little angles! They were very worried if she was ok or not. The parent of a couple of these kids told me when we crossed paths with them later that they keeped looking for my daughter. My daughter wanted to know why I was crying! We kept running in them and they would run up and hug my daughter - which she adsoluted loved!

 

[Nik's Mom]

When people say things like, "If that were my child I'd spank her in a heartbeat..." my response is:

"That's why God gave her to me and not you."

Stops them dead in their tracks.



Shel

I'll have to remember that one! That is so perfect.

We have a 6year old autistic son. I am so tired of the dirty looks! I'm glad this thread is drawing attention. Hugs to all of you who are going through this. I know how you feel.

 

[Stacey2grls]

While I think this is truly a lovely and informative thread, It makes me very sad to see so many are so clueless! Why aren't parents teaching their children from a young age to not stare and understanding of others that have disabilities? Staring is truly my pet peeve, if you see something that is differen't or disturbing just look away. I was taught by my mother as a young child that people come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and personalities. When I would point out someone with a handicap to my mother, she would quickly say "don't stare, and wouldn't the world be a boring place if everybody was the same?" I teach this to my daughters. I think it just boils down to respect. When I see babies crying in stores or kids having a meltdown, I just look the other way, or give an understanding smile. Why add to the stress of the situation by being nasty?

 

[wirki]

While I think this is truly a lovely and informative thread, It makes me very sad to see so many are so clueless! Why aren't parents teaching their children from a young age to not stare and understanding of others that have disabilities? Staring is truly my pet peeve, if you see something that is differen't or disturbing just look away. I was taught by my mother as a young child that people come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and personalities. When I would point out someone with a handicap to my mother, she would quickly say "don't stare, and wouldn't the world be a boring place if everybody was the same?" I teach this to my daughters. I think it just boils down to respect. When I see babies crying in stores or kids having a meltdown, I just look the other way, or give an understanding smile. Why add to the stress of the situation by being nasty?

I find what you are saying very hard to stomach. I have a sister who can not walk or talk. I have put up with a lot of comments and a lot of stares.(she is 38 now) I would much rather have people stare and then ask questions then to turn away like she does not matter. Or not look at her like she is not a person. Maybe that is my own opinion, I don't know. I love when little ones come up and ask me about her. "why doesn't she walk" "why doesn't she talk" "can I hold her hand" And I thank the parents of these children for giving them compasion towards her instead of fear or disrespect.


Sorry will get off my soapbox now
Debbie

 

[jann1033]

maybe cause i am a more private person, i think it is embarrassing when people look and then look away when like you are a freak. i wore a lift on my shoe and had many surgeries and scars when i was a child ( a big old thing, think Frankenstein, stillhave the scars but they have faded alot) i hated that " glance, double take, embarrassed turn away" i got over and over, it made me feel like a freak for sure..i'd almost rather they just asked me about it...course now i have an "invisible illness"and that is hard to deal with too( maybe i just like to crab)....
i am thinking mainly about the t-shirst and cards, just wonder how the child would feel about it.

wirki, i guess great minds agree

 

[Irishmommyof4]

Obviously, when children stare, it's because they're curious. So, I try to satifsy my children's curiosity... I whisper to them to smile at the person. Then, I turn them around to me and say, "It looks like you're curious about... do you have any questions?" And I'll answer the questions- if they don't have any questions I'll "brief" them on the situation (ie., those braces are helping the little boy's feet to grow straight, sometimes bones need a little help.).
Then I always end with a reminder that people feel uncomfortable when we stare at them.

 

[cleo]

I have always wondered about this very thing. If I notice someone who is 'different' in some way I tend to go on with what I was doing, as I would do with anyone who did not 'stand out' in any way. It just seems more natural and more respectful. And when my son was younger I prefered he ask me the questions rather than asking the person he noticed.

Reading the most recent replies I'm wondering if that might have offended the people involved. Would moms and dads of special kids (or adults with noticable differences) prefer moms and dads answered their children's questions or would you prefer the children ask you directly?

 

[minkydog]

I have a sister who can not walk or talk. I have put up with a lot of comments and a lot of stares.(she is 38 now) I would much rather have people stare and then ask questions then to turn away like she does not matter. Or not look at her like she is not a person. Maybe that is my own opinion, I don't know. I love when little ones come up and ask me about her. "why doesn't she walk" "why doesn't she talk" "can I hold her hand" And I thank the parents of these children for giving them compasion towards her instead of fear or disrespect.


Sorry will get off my soapbox now
Debbie

You go, girl! I feel the same way. My DS10 is obviously "different" and being a stocky tall boy who groans and shreiks, sometimes makes other kids feel uncomfortable(like sitting next to Frankenstein.) If I notice a child staring i usually will initiate a conversation such as "Hi, this is Christian. He likes to swim in the pool. do you like to swim(eat ice cream/go see Santa/etc)?" They almost always open up and talk, then ask a few questions, like why doesn't he talk? why does he yell? why does he walk funny? It gives me an opportunity to tell them about him and also to let them know that in a lot of ways he's just like them. If a little boy has a scraped knee, I may comment on that and say "Oh yeah, Christian had to wear a bandaid one time." That usually results in a conversation about boo-boos,pain, etc and an explanation that Christian feels pain too, just like him.

My son is clearly different and it doesn't offend me when kids stare--he is strange and a little scary, and it's gonna get worse as he gets bigger. Our greatest defense is that we take him everywhere and expose him to other people a lot.

What offends me more are the adults you make unkind remarks or say he sounds like a siren, or a herd of locusts. If you can't be kind, then just don't say anything.

 

[jann1033]

Obviously, when children stare, it's because they're curious. So, I try to satifsy my children's curiosity... I whisper to them to smile at the person. Then, I turn them around to me and say, "It looks like you're curious about... do you have any questions?" And I'll answer the questions- if they don't have any questions I'll "brief" them on the situation (ie., those braces are helping the little boy's feet to grow straight, sometimes bones need a little help.).
Then I always end with a reminder that people feel uncomfortable when we stare at them.

i might be odd but i would have rathered the mom just said in a normal tone and hopefully without missing a beat.."oh that's cause one of her leg's grew faster" and just leave it at that...it's the whispering thing that makes you feel very abnormal and like it is so awful you can't talk about it. my problem was nothing compared to what some of these little ones go through but i guess it is hard to know how the child feels. they may not care, i don't know,but i did. i would imagine most know they are "different "some way and that is almost the hardest thing to handle, especially for kids imo

 

[Forevryoung]

My son is clearly different and it doesn't offend me when kids stare--he is strange and a little scary, and it's gonna get worse as he gets bigger. Our greatest defense is that we take him everywhere and expose him to other people a lot.

I went to Disney in June with a 10 year old who has cerebral palsy. If she was sitting in a regular chair wearing pants you wouldnt notice that she couldn't stand and if she wasn't talking you wouldnt realize that she has breathing issues (her voice is raspy and sounds like a wheezy whisper).

So we were on the train going around the MK and this mother and father get on the train with a boy about my age (early 20s) in a wheelchair. His eyes were rolled back, he was drooling, he was moaning, he looked different (turns out he has cerebral palsy just like she does among other issues). It was really interesting to see how Chris handled it- she stared for a minute and then she said "How do you know if he is having fun?" and his parents were so awesome about it. They talked about how they think he is because who could not have fun at Disney and they talked about the rides they took him on and the shows they went to. They asked her what her favorite rides were (Buzz hands down). It was a really great conversation for us and reminded me that staring and curiosity is NORMAL for people, even those who are stared at all the time.

 

[Stacey2grls]

I didn't mean to offend anyone when I said to not stare at people who are handicapped. What I meant is looking and glancing over is one thing, staring and being rude is another. There are lots of disabilities that might frighten children, so I feel it is better to look away if it bothers a young child, than to stare, and make someone feel uncomfortable. I always take time aside to answer my daughters questions. But, I am the kind of person who does this in a low key manner. I don't go up to any stranger handicapped or not and ask questions, this is just my way. I am sorry if I offended anyone.

 

[minkydog]

I didn't mean to offend anyone when I said to not stare at people who are handicapped. What I meant is looking and glancing over is one thing, staring and being rude is another. There are lots of disabilities that might frighten children, so I feel it is better to look away if it bothers a young child, than to stare, and make someone feel uncomfortable. I always take time aside to answer my daughters questions. But, I am the kind of person who does this in a low key manner. I don't go up to any stranger handicapped or not and ask questions, this is just my way. I am sorry if I offended anyone.

Not offended at all. If you're ever out and you see a tall, sturdy boy in heavy shoes, flapping and moaning,walking in circles, feel free to stop and say hi. Christian loves to meet people. He won't look at you or touch you, but he'll know you cared about him.

 

[wirki]

I didn't mean to offend anyone when I said to not stare at people who are handicapped. What I meant is looking and glancing over is one thing, staring and being rude is another. There are lots of disabilities that might frighten children, so I feel it is better to look away if it bothers a young child, than to stare, and make someone feel uncomfortable. I always take time aside to answer my daughters questions. But, I am the kind of person who does this in a low key manner. I don't go up to any stranger handicapped or not and ask questions, this is just my way. I am sorry if I offended anyone.

I would not like it if you felt bad about voicing your opinion. I just wanted to let everyone know that some families encourage people to talk to them. To teach their children not to be scared of anyone different. And as for you talking to your children thank you. I only ask that you do not do it in front of me if you are whispering. I may take it the wrong way.(just like I did your earlier comment) It is a hard thing to live with a child who if "different" for the whole family. And there are alot of people out there who do not help. A smile goes along way. Be understaning and kind to your fellow humans. You never know when you might need them.
Thank you for your honesty. I am glad we have a place were we can help each other learn and grow.
Debbie

 

[tar heel]

My oldest DS has Asperger's. He was seven or eight years old before we realized he had problems. If our other two children had been born first, we would have known much sooner, of course. He was/still is brilliant and many of his quirks were chalked up by us, his teachers, even his psychologist as being not unusual for extremely bright people. We thought he was a square peg or a absent-minded professor. Eventually, we got the right diagnosis, and I have no doubts it is the correct one.

Clues we should have noticed -- he often didn't make eye contact, talked late, went off in a world of his own and obsessed over particular toys and played with them the same way over and over. He also was sometimes oblivious about what was going on around him. He was a picky eater, particular about smells and very into touching things. The meltdowns, ironically, came later.

He is a young man now and still has a meltdown a couple times a year. At this point and with the infrequency, they almost always take us by surprise and it's really hard. He doesn't roll on the floor or anything like that -- he starts ranting about something that seems inconsequential to other people around. He totally loses himself in the rant and is oblivious about the reactions of people around him. Once it's over, he is puzzled by how upset everyone still is. At Disney, he's had one about what to do next and one having to do with a spilled drink. Given that he is a young adult, you can imagine what kind of looks he got. My dh doesn't handle the meltdowns well (he needs to go away when they start and doesn't aways do that). My parents totally don't understand -- I'm pretty sure they've not read the stuff I've given them. I find myself thinking that, if my own parents can't accept that he's really trying not to do this, what chance do I have that other people will understand.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Carrieberry, to you for having to deal with the attitudes of these strangers. Nobody has the right to pass judgement on anyone else. Anybody dealing with a screaming child deserves compassion rather than judgement. A stranger has no idea why the child is acting however they are acting.

My 5 1/2 son is not special needs, however, he is the type that another person could easily say is "bratty". Quite honestly, he is very different that our other children and we are simply doing the best job with him that we are able. Yes, I suppose that we could beat him (and don't think it hasn't crossed our minds ), but we'd have the same child and have additional issues to deal with. When others give us "that look" it doesn't do anything to help the situation. The biggest offender has been my sister and her husband, and my DH and I have decided to limit contact with them until our son is older because it just isn't worth the stress. Yes, the judgements sadden me, especially from someone who seems to have forgotten what her children were like growing up.

Comments from strangers, friends, or family should be kept silent unless an opinion or advice is requested.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

MY dearest friend had a "perfect" first child and assumed it was her wonderful parenting and why couldn't everybody else just be as good a parent.
Then she had her second, challenging child.
She is a much more humble parent now.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

MY dearest friend had a "perfect" first child and assumed it was her wonderful parenting and why couldn't everybody else just be as good a parent.
Then she had her second, challenging child.
She is a much more humble parent now.

I thought that I had the parenting thing figured out, too. My first child was highly spirited and a handful, my second much better behaved and my third was a dream. Guess it was my parenting that was producing children who were getting better and better. Then I had Jake, who I was referring to in my last post. My opinion on my great parenting took a nosedive!