Staring at other people's children (ie tantrums, crying etc.)

[Dorisk3]

I'm sorry if I'm bringing up something already discussed - but sometimes it seems like a lot of people who are bugged by kids having tantrums, "acting up", etc. are usually people without kids. I just saw a post about it a minute ago in someone's brief trip report. I used to be that way too before I had kids. A baby crying would drive me insane. Now I'm just happy its not my kid! Once you've had them, very little phases you- sometimes I think I've seen it all. And I try to never look at someone judgementally when they are dealing with a kid, because I've been there too. I think alot of what passes for "abuse" or when you hear about people "abusing" their kids is just tired parents who are not quite at their best being overheard by someone that has no clue what its like to raise kids, or maybe by some miracle they are raising angels that never cry, demand, whine or get grumpy.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

or maybe by some miracle they are raising angels that never cry, demand, whine or get grumpy.

I think a lot of the people are these type of parents. People without children might have an idea of how children should behave, which is not always realistic. My sister's last child, who is older than my first child, was a real handful, VERY much like my youngest. I thought that he was a major brat the way he carried on about any and everything, was controlling and bossy, and generally not a very pleasant child to be around at times, but was as smart as a whip. (Gee, sounds like I just described my own son LOL). Of course I thought that that I would have it all figured out when I had children. I was smart enough to not say anything to her at least.

But the parents who have little angels are even worse. They "know" that they have the parenting thing figured out and pass judgement on others easier. Afterall, they have proven that they can do it right.

Obviousy these are generalizations and not every parent of angelic kids act this way, nor do people who do not have children. I sure know that having my last child was a humbing experience.

 

[luv that cruise]

My son is high functioning autism and is now 12. we have been doing disney since he was 5 and it has always been a positive experience. I have always been aware of people staring when things got tough and have put a few people in thier place when I tell them he has autism. I get this "oh gosh I'm so sorry" look. Keep working with your child and don't give up. My son is doing things that I never thought possible and he never ceases to amaze me with his ability to learn, both academically and socially.

 

[Kuffam]

This tread been a roller coaster ride for me. We were concerned about our DS 2 not talking very much, so our MD ordered developmental, speech, and PT/OT evals. Well the idea of autism and other developmental issues are being circulated.

We've have problems when we travel, and I think every time we say "We're not doing this again." But then we decide we can't let our children ruin our lives, we just have to work around the problems. I agree, it's hard enough to deal with the child without the adult (who I think is worse) and their insult.

 

[fizz13]

To Carrieberry,

I have 3 children under the age of 6 and I still would never pretend to come close to the struggle you face every day, not because your child is badly behaved but because of the frustrations and heartaches. I just wanted to send you a big dose of DIS hugs and a lot of pixiedust for when you next go to WDW and to let you know that there are still people out there who will not judge (or do their hardest not to). No one should reach a point where they cry on vacation because of other peoples ignorance and I am so sorry that this happened to you. Just hold on to your family love like you have been doing and I hope you get through ok. I will be thinking of you and yours,

Much love and pixiedust,
Claire xx

 

[heathriel]

I think alot of what passes for "abuse" or when you hear about people "abusing" their kids is just tired parents who are not quite at their best being overheard by someone that has no clue what its like to raise kids, or maybe by some miracle they are raising angels that never cry, demand, whine or get grumpy.

I have chronic migraines and am bipolar, have had since I was a child but went undiagnosed until I was around 12. My manic manifestations as a child (and as an adult, although now they are much less severe and much less prevalent thanks to drugs) were either me shutting down entirely - becoming unresponsive, very quiet, tuning everything out - or becoming very hyper - talking very fast, spending lots of money (adult thing), doing things without noticing I'm doing them, etc. My mother's bipolar manifestation is violent hysterics.

As you can imagine, the two things didn't mix well.

One thing my mother did see, however, was that I was the sickly one (due to the migraines, I was always throwing up, had fevers, and was vastly underweight because I never wanted to eat because I was always nauseous - to this day I'm WAY underweight, and that's even with heavy medication.) So whenever I would go into a "fit" and either go hypomanic or shut off, she would start screaming bloody murder, and when she would get fired up enough, she'd start beating on my sister because she "wasn't looking after me enough." She didn't care where we were, who heard her, etc.

So, yeah, I have no children. And I have absolutely NO tolerance for parents screaming at or hitting their children in public and never will. And the reason why is precisely because of the reason in this thread - how do you know that it *isn't* a parent of a "special needs" child that's gone aboslutely beserk? How would you take it if you saw an autistic child being beaten because they were having a fit?

Thought so.

No, I don't have children. I don't plan on children. I don't want any children because I:

1) will almost certainly pass on bipolar/migraines/epilepsy (same part of the brain)
2) I had the worst mother on the planet as a role model
3) I'm way too selfish

And I'm thankful that I *know* that before ruining some innocent child's life by having one and resenting it, and ending up like my mother did, beating one because the other wasn't born perfectly healthy.

 

[Dorisk3]

Heathriel- First of all, I'm sorry if you thought I was casting any judgement of people that don't have kids- because believe me I'm not! I will admit before I had kids, like I had said, babies crying or kids having tandrums would get on my nerves.
What I was referring to as far as parents go is when you see someone saying things that maybe they shouldn't- I'm not saying name calling or verbal abuse- and I was definetly not referring to anyone spanking or hitting their child. What I meant is when you see an exasperated parent saying things like, "we came all the way to Disney, and now you won't go on anything", or "no way are you getting that toy." Maybe I was lucky, but I didn't see any beatings or extreme yelling at kids. Certainly that is a whole different ball game and I am happy to say that i didn't witness anything like that- although I realize it exists. All I'm saying is, and I think its somewhat in line with the original poster, don't rush to judgement if you don't know what the situation is- don't think the kid is a brat for having a tantrum and don't think a parent is a monster for raising their voice.

 

[goofie4goofy]

What many people have to understand when going to WDW is that there are people with (sadly) many kinds of disabilities, more so than any other vacation destination. I for one am always shocked about posts about wheelchairs or when children act out. Everyone needs a little more compassion in WDW than any other place. Someone may look "normal" to their estimation, but that is not for anyone to judge. Please keep in mind that WDW is not just a place for a family vacation or a honeymoon, but for so many it is a last trip to a favorite place, or somewhere a child with a disability can just be a child. The nature of anyone's illness or disability is not to be explained to anyone. If people were just nicer in general, there would not be a need for posts such as this. I know this because it was my father's last wish to go to WDW with his family. He was tired and it took a lot out of him, but it was what he wanted. He did not look like he as dying of cancer, but he was and passed away 3 months later.

 

[heathriel]

Oh, it's not any one thing anyone said in particular, it's just that when I spoke before in this thread, people jumped all over me for my comments that I:

1) look away, wince, and walk in the other direction, quickly, when I hear a child shrieking
2) sometimes comment to my husband about our childless state and his desire that maybe it shouldn't stay that way
3) my penchant for turning people in to security if I see an adult hitting a child or cursing loudly at them

I just wanted to make it known that there are reasons for people to act the way they do, on all sides. And that it very well be out of the exact same root - in my case, BECAUSE of my experience I have much less of a tolerance for adults treating children poorly, even if they're perfectly healthy and just being bratty (how am I to be able to tell that in the 15 seconds I'm around them?).

 

[mcoolman]

Carrieberrie, I'm sorry that you had to hear and see unkindness in a place where family, (all KINDS of families) and having a good time is the theme. I know how hard each day is for you, and you are to be congratulated, and empathised with! Once upon a time I had a daughter with dwarfism,(2 heart transplants) and one time when we had a good stretch of health, we took her to WDW. She was in her glory! Shortly thereafter she became ill again, and passed away. I am sooo very happy that she got to experience some magic in her short life! People need to remember that Disney is a place for kindness and smiles, and all are welcome! Take care and hang in there. You moms of "different" kids are my heros!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

And people do need to be more compassionate towards other. A lot of kids (and adults) have hidden disabilities/challenges. INstead of being irritated at my teenage son for making noises or turning his head, have compassion for the Tourette's Syndrome that he deals with every day. Maybe the person who is irritated should tell me how easy it is to have poison ivy and not scratch it--it's at least that hard for my son to resist doing a tic. It's not his fault he is the way he is and the judgement from others does nothing to help the situation.

I try to assume that there are reasons for other people acting the way they do.

 

[JustAshe]

I have two sons with disabilities. Cameron has high functioning autism, and Nick is bipolar. They are 8 and 7. We've been to Disney several times with the boys. We always use the GAC and we do the park on the boys' schedule, not ours. We aren't commando types. We've heard all sort of comments about taking advantage of GAC and rude comments about their behaviors.

Our worst experience actually involved a Cast Member however. Cameron wanted to ride Splash Mountain with his friend, who we were at MK with. His mom had her two boys with her, so she had them in the front seat. I was right behind her with Cam. Cam was just *unable* to understand why he couldn't be in the seat with her. It was the *worst* tantrum. He was screaming and flailing about as we loaded. I needed to get him off, and they asked us to, but when we did, he flipped even more. He wanted to ride, but only on HIS terms. So now, I'm on the landing, with a trantruming, flailing, screaming autistic child. He is in a panic, and during these times, he's been know to run. FAST. I was afraid he would get away from me and hurt himself. He was only 5. So I blocked him over by the tree on the landing, while I tried to calm him. We weren't in the way, but he was distracting to the ambiance I'm sure.

The cast member came over and told me to please take my screaming son off the landing before he had to call security. That "misbehaving children" were a danger to others. My son at that time was more of a danger for me to try to move him alone, in the state he was in. There was no offer of help, no compassion, no nothing from the cast member, other than a look of disgust wtih my child. I was in tears, scared, trying to soothe my son who was inconsolable. I managed to practically drag him over to the benches where you come out and did manange to calm him down.

I wish the cast member had only offered to be of some assistance, any assistance.

It was an upsetting day to say the least.

 

[UrsulasShadow]

My sympathies are with you, Ashe, and all other caregivers of special needs children. How difficult it must be to be in that position, wanting to do the best for your kids, having such a hard time of it at every turn. I wish there were services made more available to you and others, which offers assistance in caring for your kids. You and your son should never be in danger from his condition, and if a helping hand is needed, it should be made available.

Unfortunately, the CM was in no position to offer a hand, not being able to help you restrain your son. I'm not sure what it is he could have done to help, really. I agree, he showed an amazing lack of sympathy for your plight, and maybe just showing you to a quiet area (if one could be found) would have been a great help. The look of disgust was clearly not helpful. I guess a little more sensitivity training is in order for some.

 

[Nancyg56]

Carrieberrie, I'm sorry that you had to hear and see unkindness in a place where family, (all KINDS of families) and having a good time is the theme. I know how hard each day is for you, and you are to be congratulated, and empathised with! Once upon a time I had a daughter with dwarfism,(2 heart transplants) and one time when we had a good stretch of health, we took her to WDW. She was in her glory! Shortly thereafter she became ill again, and passed away. I am sooo very happy that she got to experience some magic in her short life! People need to remember that Disney is a place for kindness and smiles, and all are welcome! Take care and hang in there. You moms of "different" kids are my heros!

mcoolman I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the gentle reminder that everyone should be able to enjoy the happiest place on earth.

 

[JustAshe]

My sympathies are with you, Ashe, and all other caregivers of special needs children. How difficult it must be to be in that position, wanting to do the best for your kids, having such a hard time of it at every turn. I wish there were services made more available to you and others, which offers assistance in caring for your kids. You and your son should never be in danger from his condition, and if a helping hand is needed, it should be made available.

Unfortunately, the CM was in no position to offer a hand, not being able to help you restrain your son. I'm not sure what it is he could have done to help, really. I agree, he showed an amazing lack of sympathy for your plight, and maybe just showing you to a quiet area (if one could be found) would have been a great help. The look of disgust was clearly not helpful. I guess a little more sensitivity training is in order for some.

I guess I should have been clearer. It wasn't that I was restraining Cam. I was trying to keep him from darting and running. While I know that they can't help physically, what I really needed at the time was just someone standing in the area while I tried to safely move him out. When he's that agitated, he's very strong. I was afraid he'd pull away from me in his agitation. Another person in the area, would have helped by deterring him from running back toward the boat launch. He is generally trying to get away from people, so he wouldn't have run towards a stranger. It's hard for me to describe.

I knew that they really couldn't help, I used to work at WDW, so I guess what I really wanted was to not look up and see someone looking at me like my child was some sort of freak. I was already upset, and it was just...not very magical.

Thanks for your understanding though.

 

[bytheblood]

I am sorry you experienced that. There is a lot I am thinking, but it is best I hold my tongue. May God bless you and your family with understanding and compassionate surroundings.

 

[twojo21]

carriebarry, i totally understand where youre coming from this has happened to my family with my autistic brother. he is a wonderful person but sometimes cant control himself ie tantrums due to his disability & frustrations from it. we have had a few stares & comments through the years, my mom actually carries autism society cards with her to give out as needed. its so hurtful not just to us, but to my brother even though he doesnt have the same comprehension he still knows when people are being mean to him. i wish the world was a better place but hopefully with time & education, ignorance will be a thing of the past. weve also had some great experiences at disney & elsewhere with my brother & those who try to understand, on our last trip to disney, mickey & my brother signed for a good 5 minutes, he was so happy. sorry to hear of your experience, hopefully you still had a magical time. just wanted you to know youre not alone.

 

[tlbwriter]

Next time I think we will put a t-shirt on him saying something like "Hi I am autistic. Ask my parents for more info if you see me having a melt down." Or something to that effect.

I like "I'm autistic. What's your excuse?"

He is a young man now and still has a meltdown a couple times a year. At this point and with the infrequency, they almost always take us by surprise and it's really hard. He doesn't roll on the floor or anything like that -- he starts ranting about something that seems inconsequential to other people around. He totally loses himself in the rant and is oblivious about the reactions of people around him. Once it's over, he is puzzled by how upset everyone still is. At Disney, he's had one about what to do next and one having to do with a spilled drink. Given that he is a young adult, you can imagine what kind of looks he got.

That's odd. You'd think that people who see a young adult having a meltdown would realize it must be more than a temper tantrum.

 

[kpk89]

Carrieberry, thank you for posting this here. It's a great reminder to all of us that "there, but for the grace of God, go I". A friendly, sympathetic smile is so much a better way to go than to condemn, judge, or criticize, ESPECIALLY in the Happiest Place on Earth! I'm so glad that Disney is the kind of place that helps all familes of all makeups and all sorts of issues to feel welcome. Hopefully the people staring and making comments were not doing so out of malice, but out of ignorance and will learn a more appropriate reaction.

Wishing everyone as many magical moments as they can possibly stand!

 

[Cara]

(((hugs))). We ran into a family with an adorable autistic child several times on the bus. We were at the same resort. Bless his heart, he did have a horrid tantrum on the bus. He was just tired and did not understand about having to wait.

When we saw them on the bus later I struck up a conversation with the mom and told her how much my DH and I admired how beautifully she had handled the earlier situation. She said they had made it five days without a guest assistance pass, and though she hated to do it, she was probably going to have to get one for him. I encouraged her to do it, not feel bad about it, and to heck with anyone who didn't understand. You really should not judge others until you have walked a mile in their shoes.