Staring at other people's children (ie tantrums, crying etc.)

[Carrieberry]

DLKT-Great post!


As far as anoldgrouch's post goes, I think I join most parents of children with autism and children with other afflictions that cause these "Meltdowns", when I say I WISH I could go and hide under a rock when these things happen. If anyone thinks for one second that I want to remain where I am with my screaming child and disrupt everyone else around me then that is so WRONG. We always do our best to remove him from whatever situation is causing the meltdown and that usually means removing him to a quite unoccupied area as soon as possible.Also no parent of a child with behavioral issues purposefully takes them out when they are having a problem. They wait until whatever the meltdown is is over before heading out. Please don't think that because I started this post I have no consideration for the other travelers that also spent their hard earned money to go to WDW-I do. In fact most of my life is worrying about how my son is "bothering" the people around us in public. Sorry but I am offended and a little hurt by the post inferring that we don't care about whether or not our "special kids" our ruining someone elses vacation that they spent thousands of dollars on. At least you get to walk away from the situation, I would hardly call 5 minutes of seeing a child's melt down a "vacation ruiner". Try having it happen to you every day, and not just on vacation.

 

[eeyore45]

I'm sick right now, but both my daughter and I havve invisible ilnesses and will contribute as soon as we are well.

I hope you feel better real soon!! I cant wait to hear of your trip!!

 

[Nancyg56]

When people say things like, "If that were my child I'd spank her in a heartbeat..." my response is:

"That's why God gave her to me and not you."

Stops them dead in their tracks.



Shel

I need to remember that one.

 

[Nancyg56]

Boy do i know what you mean! My daughter had a liver transplant when she was 10 months old. She is now 4, has a new liver disease, chronically damaged kidneys, epilepsy and much more. One main symptom of her new liver disease is malaise(crankiness, generally not feeling well) This does not mean she is tired and i should leave disney world and take her for a nap. It means she is a sick little girl and has every right to be there.


Looking at her she looks perfect you wouldn't know how sick she is. Hidden disability. Every now and then when she becomes "malaised" she can be a real bear. It really brings me to the end of my patience just dealing with it. LOL, so people should watch out if they are going to comment becasue I would never take it out on my precious babe who fought so hard and fights so hard every day to live. But I will take it out on ignorant rude people who should just thank their lucky stars they have healthy children and don't have to worry about outliving them!

Did you ever see this:
SPECIAL MOMS
When a toddler gets into the plant pot dirt, a special mom
appreciates how well their fingers work.

When a child yells "NO!" A special mom enjoys the sound of their spoken word.

When a child must wear a helmet when riding a bike, a special mom is grateful that the helmet is not being worn to prevent injury from a seizure.

When a child plays the `chasing game' with mom in the grocery store, a special mom is thankful that her child can run at all.

When a child makes a mess while eating their lunch, a special mom is glad she does not have to put their lunch through a feeding tube.

When someone's child is having a `tantrum' in the shopping mall, a special mom never jumps to conclusions.

When a child gives themselves their first haircut, resulting in an embarrassing head shave, a special mom is blessed that they are not bald because they're going through chemotherapy.

When a child listens to annoying rap-music, a special mom enjoys that her child can hear any music.

When a child is at the hospital for an ear infection, a special mom feels blessed her child isn't in congestive heart failure...again.

When a child complains about taking an awful tasting cold medicine, a special mom is relieved that it is not heart medication, seizure medication, anti-rejection drugs or something worse.

When a child in a wheel chair is out for a stroll with mom, a special mom understands that it may not be a good day to ask questions.

When a child needs extra tutoring to get through math, a special mom is relieved that her child doesn't need a team of seven people and five pieces of specialized equipment, just to get him through the school day.

When a child needs the light on at bedtime, because they're scared of the dark, a special mom is thankful that her child does not live in constant darkness.

A special mom looks at her special child with pride, while strangers often look at the special mom with pity.

A special mom appreciates all the things typical children do, whether naughty or nice.

A special mom rarely complains about the 45-minute wait at the doctor's office for a check-up, when she's spent months at a children's hospital with her dying child.

A special mom would never feel disappointed that her healthy newborn was not the gender she had hoped for.

A special mom views the world through special eyes, ears and hands.

By Luanna Buburuz

Really, I just ignore them becasue what goes around comes around. Unless I need to vent.
Their are cranky poeple of all ages. You know just what I mean. Peopel would never comment like that to a cranky 30 or 40 yr old that should go home and take a nap. It is just more discrimination against kids. Some poepl just don't like them and that is fine.

www.caringbridge.org/nj/erin

Thank you! I started out thinking that this thread was informational, and was glad to see one like this. I tend to get irritated at the sanctimonious people who sit in judgement of other peoples parenting based on a glimpse of their lives during a childs meltdown. I was glad that all of you were taking the time to post and educate us so that perhaps we will not inadvertantly cause additional pain to people already struggling to deal with a stressful situation.

Then came don8life Now I cannot seem to see thru my tears. My family was never challenged in such a profound way as the posters who have shared their stories today. Our DGD has reflux, and was diagnosed with failure to thrive, but has been lucky in that her Dr's were able to manage her pain and there are no lesions. I thank God everyday that she is healthy, as I did when my own were growing up. Thank you for sharing your poem. I have never read this one.

Keep protecting your beautiful children when strangers behave in an inexcusable manner, and maybe after this thread, some of us will intercede to make your day a little easier.

 

[aceharly]

I'm fairly verbal and arguementative, but i'll try and keep it mellow.
Most people don't realize the little things parents of Autistics deal with. In the 11 years we have had our DS my wife and i have been together and away from our son 5 nights, in 11 years. Nobody is trusted to watch him, hes with us every waking moment aside from school. When we needed time alone I would call off work and spend the day with my wife while he was at school, cost me $200 a pop to miss work btw. I know when I go to WDW I feel like I earned it, and I wouldn't give a care what onlookers Though, did or said, and I never have. You deffinitly have to work 10 fold at your parenting skills, yet you still look like your doing a bad job at times. Just food for thought.

 

[BethanyF]

I truly feel for parents who have children with disabilities (physical and mental), social problems, etc.
BUT, parents also need to understand that they are responsible for these children when they take them out to as public a place as WDW or any other public place. I am sick and tired of spending thousands of $$$ for trips to places like WDW, only to have it ruined by parents who are too insensitive to take their children out when they are out of control.

Maybe you would prefer we institutionalize our children and forget about them? Only allow them out on 'special needs' days?

Oh forget it....Im not getting in to this argument. My child has every right to be there, and we spend thou$$ands as well. Some of it on therapy for our kids, and some of it on Disney and other PUBLIC places.

 

[WDWPartyof5]

Wish- I had business cards to hand out explaining what autism is etc, but in the middle of his meltdowns it is diificult to walk away from him and hand out a card. Next time I think we will put a t-shirt on him saying something like "Hi I am autistic. Ask my parents for more info if you see me having a melt down." Or something to that effect.

While my son is not autistic he is bipolar. The first few times at Disney I was a nervous wreck! His throw downs were much like you described in your OP. We did have cards to hand out but fortunately didn't have to use them. You can get free cards through Vista Print. You can keep the message short and sweet. Maybe if yuo can't hand the card out someone else in your party can.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[anoldgrouch]

DLKT-Great post!


As far as anoldgrouch's post goes, I think I join most parents of children with autism and children with other afflictions that cause these "Meltdowns", when I say I WISH I could go and hide under a rock when these things happen. If anyone thinks for one second that I want to remain where I am with my screaming child and disrupt everyone else around me then that is so WRONG. We always do our best to remove him from whatever situation is causing the meltdown and that usually means removing him to a quite unoccupied area as soon as possible.Also no parent of a child with behavioral issues purposefully takes them out when they are having a problem. They wait until whatever the meltdown is is over before heading out. Please don't think that because I started this post I have no consideration for the other travelers that also spent their hard earned money to go to WDW-I do. In fact most of my life is worrying about how my son is "bothering" the people around us in public. Sorry but I am offended and a little hurt by the post inferring that we don't care about whether or not our "special kids" our ruining someone elses vacation that they spent thousands of dollars on. At least you get to walk away from the situation, I would hardly call 5 minutes of seeing a child's melt down a "vacation ruiner". Try having it happen to you every day, and not just on vacation.

I was NOT talking about your child or any other child with autism or any other disability. I said at the beginning of my post that I truly feel for parents such as you who are dealing with these issues. I also respect you tremendously for having the courage to take your child to places such as WDW to give them that awesome experience.
The people I was speaking of are the ones you mention: "Also no parent of a child with behavioral issues purposefully takes them out when they are having a problem". Unfortunately, this is not true in our society today. To me, autism is not a "behavioral issue". It is a medical condition. The parents I was speaking about are the ones like I mentioned who will take a child who is obviously too ill to go out and drag them to a function when they should be home in bed. I have seen parents take three-year-olds with high fevers to high school football games, children suffering from asthma to bars full of smoke, and even a child just out of the hospital after a case of pneumonia on a skiing trip! These parents are the ones that I think should be put in a cell.
Then there are the "parents" who just don't care. I've been in five-star restaurants and seen parents let there kids run wild while they chat with their friends. I actually saw two kids knock a waiter with a full tray over once and the parents actually laughed!
My point was simply that, until everyone has been given training on what to look for with autistic children, don't blame people for staring at your child. There are so many cases where "normal" children are simply out of control that people cannot tell the difference between a medical condition and a lack-of-discipline condition.
Sorry if I offended you in any way. Good luck and Godspeed.

 

[WDWPartyof5]

I truly feel for parents who have children with disabilities (physical and mental), social problems, etc.
BUT, parents also need to understand that they are responsible for these children when they take them out to as public a place as WDW or any other public place. I am sick and tired of spending thousands of $$$ for trips to places like WDW, only to have it ruined by parents who are too insensitive to take their children out when they are out of control. This happens in churches, movies, etc.
I once attended a wedding where a mother brought her teething infant. The child screamed through the entire service. No matter how many dirty looks she got, this "mother" just sat there smiling like there was nothing wrong. The bride was so destraught that it took her new husband and her family half the reception to get her calmed down to the point where she would participate in her own wedding!
If you do have a child with behavioral issues, please consider everyone else as well. You have a right to a nice vacation for your money, but so does everyone else around you.

If you don't like vacationing where children with special needs will be how about don't go! WDW welcomes those with disabilites and even works with the Make A Wish Foundation. I would much rather deal with a hundred special needs children with behavioral problems than one rude, obnoxious, pain in the butt who has little sensitivity for others.

BTW, next week I will be there with my four children -- one is bipolar with ADHD and I will have a 15 week old that is breastfeeding. You may want to avoid vactioning at WDW to avoid anything outside what you deem normal.

 

[Carrieberry]

My point was simply that, until everyone has been given training on what to look for with autistic children, don't blame people for staring at your child. There are so many cases where "normal" children are simply out of control that people cannot tell the difference between a medical condition and a lack-of-discipline condition.
Sorry if I offended you in any way. Good luck and Godspeed.

I realize that and I agree which is why I started this post. I was offended (and I don't think I was the only one) because you said "I truly feel for parents who have children with disabilities (physical and mental), social problems, etc.
BUT,parents also need to understand that they are responsible for these children when they take them out to as public a place as WDW or any other public place. I am sick and tired of spending thousands of $$$ for trips to places like WDW, only to have it ruined by parents who are too insensitive to take their children out when they are out of control."

This was said sounding like you meant children like mine "these children", not children that are normal and just being bratty or are unsupervised. I took it as it was written and that was why I was offended. No biggie, it isn't the first time or will it be the last. Everyone has a right to their opinion. Again, I started this thread so people will know what to look for, I am in no way thinking I am going to eduacate the world with this post, I just want people to think twice before they give me the "Worst parent of the Year" look before they know all the facts about me and my family, and I was hoping to help some other families as well. There will always be dirty looks, and comments-but at Disney I just don't think they are necessary.

 

[Carrieberry]

I hope everyone that has read this post has been helped in some way or another. Please continue to share your thoughts and experiences from trips to Disney or about your children. Let's try not to be jugemantal of people's parenting skills in other situations since this thread is specifically aimed to let people know about special needs children (including ADHAD/ADD PDD-NOS and any other). Please no attacks. Thanks all so much for all of your wonderful words and encouragement.

 

[pixelpixie]

Thank you OP. I needed this education and intend on being more sensitive in situations as these. I have never been rude to anyone having a difficult time with their child (I have had many difficult times with my own) but I have been guilty of judgement. Thank you for reminding me that things are not always what they seem and even if they were, a prayer would be better than a judgement.

 

[cleo]

Any parent who has taken a child out in public and suffered a meltdown will attest to the fact they would rather be just about anywhere rather than be the 'center of attention' with a screaming child. To say they should take the child 'away' seems simplistic at best.

I was on a long flight with my 12 year old son, during which a young girl (about 4) screamed (SCREAMED!!) through the entire flight. Clearly, her mother had no clue this was going to happen. Although every person on the plane was on edge (to say the least!) by the time we got to our destination, I can guarantee that little girl's mother felt 1000 time worse than any of us did.

My son couldn't understand why her mother didn't 'stop her'. I can understand that lack of insight from a 12 year old, but as an adult I would hope we would realize it isn't that simple and have a little sympathy for the parents who certainly know the people around them are annoyed but there isn't a darned thing they can do to make it better. Thank your lucky stars it isn't you and your child....that time. Maybe next time it will be.

 

[Maridw]

My irish dance teacher has a son that is PDD. My DD used to babysit him before she started going to college.

DD had to deal with Thomas when we was in meltdown mode a couple times. But she knew how to handle it and knew that until he had calmed himself down that there was no talking to him or dealing with him in any way, but locking him in his room. When he wasn't in meltdown mode he is loving, but at times, he would punch at her or his brother & sister playfully and didn't realize the strength that he had and that he was actually hurting them.

Thomas is going to school and doing very well. Teresa was extremely pleased a couple years ago when he really started associating things to Christmas.

 

[MayMom]

There by the grace of God is my child.......we cannot imagine what you go through in a normal day, Carrie. God bless you in your journey with your sweet boy.

 

[taximomfor4]

IMy point was simply that, until everyone has been given training on what to look for with autistic children, don't blame people for staring at your child. There are so many cases where "normal" children are simply out of control that people cannot tell the difference between a medical condition and a lack-of-discipline condition.
Sorry if I offended you in any way. Good luck and Godspeed.

You are quite right, anoldgrouch! And you are making a great point, really. Just my experience, I don't notice too much, nor do I mind, when people look while my dd melts down. Many times, I have been surprised and my load lightened a bit by small nods of understanding, or even little smiles of encouragement, or even the famous "I know, happens to me too" sort of nod. I just didn't want anyone to think that if they watch dd meltdowns unfold, that they are insulting me. The only ones I feel insulted by are the ones making their judgment obvious.

I am really glad this discussion came up, everyone. And I am happy that it has stayed so informative. I am a "special mom" but still have much to learn.

Beth

 

[Amii]

I have a 9 year old son who has aspergers. He has meltdowns. He also has an anxiety disorder, and spastic diparesis (his muscles are always tight and he has motor problems because of it) which are both often a part of aspergers. People have made rude comments about his meltdowns, the way he walks and his anxiety when we have been in public. Most of the time I can shrug off the comments and realize that people don't understand. I have ended up in a bathroom stall crying once or twice though.

It seems like some people don't think the child can hear them when they make the comments but the children often do. My son has heard adults laugh and call him a "fairy" because he walks awkwardly. He has heard people call him a wuss or tell him to "suck it up" when he was filled with anxiety. He has heard people call him a brat and say "IF I only had that child for a day things would be different." when he is on the verge of having a meltdown. This destroys my son. He knows he is "different" and of course he does not want to be this way. My son struggles through every day. I just wish people understood how hard it is for a child to have an autism spectrum disorder. I don't think they understand that the children often hold on to things that are said and believe it. The words of someone who does not understand the situation can devastate a child.

 

[Jotash]

Thank you so much for this thread. We are leaving in a scant 20 days with our 5 yr. old DS who has PDD-NOS. He is in the moderate range. He is potty trained and speaks, but it is limited to a few words at a time, not conversational and doesn't always make sense (lots of repetition of movie dialogue, inappropriate phrases). His meltdowns are minor compared to some and very seldom. He was at MK two years ago for one day (Christmas Day - yikes!) and LOVED it. The crowds didn't bother him and he was thrilled with the parade. We didn't go on any rides, but that was mostly due to the long waits.

This year, we're hoping all goes well, but we honestly don't know. DH and I are just planning on letting him dictate (sort of) what we do. As much as I know he would love Small World, the boat may be a no go (he will pull away, not scream) so we'll move on. I won't know till we get there and that's our whole attitude with this trip that we have been literally saving for two years (since our Christmas experience) to go on. He's been surprising us lately in many situations, so we hope rides are a possibility.

Family members tell us we're crazy to take him, but I want him to have the same experiences as any other child and we, as his parents, know when enough is enough and we'd never force him to do anything he is acting uncomfortable with since then it would lead to screaming and eventually full meltdown. If ALL ELSE fails, he loves to swim and we can spend the majority of the time at the resort with the parks as a "break" from the pool. There's always the parades!! Sorry to ramble. Thanks again.

 

[jann1033]

I get so disgusted by people who say or stare at someone having difuclty with their kid. I find that these are ussually the spoiled people more often then the kid whom is having a meltdown. My kids are pretty good with their behavior and when they did have crying fits socially(very young), I always tried to take them to a quiet area as to not disturb people. Where would that be in Disney???
I mean if you didn't want to deal with kids then you really cam e to the wrong public place.

we always took our kids to a restroom, most places have them and we just went into a stall till it blew over . that way we had privacy and no one was embarrassed, also did this at "discipline" time... Disney has family bathrooms you could use.( not saying that is aways possible, just what we found to be an alternative to a public viewing)

i do appreciate reading all the comments. hope if i am ever in the situation of viewing such a time i'll do the right thing nothing even close to what some here have to deal with but our oldest daughter was extremely shy and would burst into tears at the drop of a hat( usually when she was trying her hardest not to) and I can't count how many times i heard hurtful comments about her being a brat which was obviously just what she didn't need to hear ( including one of her 2nd grd elem. teachers when she was afraid to do some stuff in gym class..talk about being in the wrong profession). don't know if these particular s.n. kids would be aware or not but that is something to think about, it could be hurtful to the child also . i have an invisible chronic illness and know even as a 50 yr old, comments can cut like a knife.

 

[Poohnatic]

I'm fairly verbal and arguementative, but i'll try and keep it mellow.
Most people don't realize the little things parents of Autistics deal with. In the 11 years we have had our DS my wife and i have been together and away from our son 5 nights, in 11 years. Nobody is trusted to watch him, hes with us every waking moment aside from school. When we needed time alone I would call off work and spend the day with my wife while he was at school, cost me $200 a pop to miss work btw. I know when I go to WDW I feel like I earned it, and I wouldn't give a care what onlookers Though, did or said, and I never have. You deffinitly have to work 10 fold at your parenting skills, yet you still look like your doing a bad job at times. Just food for thought.

Aceharly,

You sound like my husband and I. We went on our third honest by God date with no kids-in nine years-two weeks ago. It is really important for parents of special needs kids to get that time together, however, finding someone you can trust to be able to handle that uncontrollable/unpredictable behavior is near impossible.

We've been very blessed here lately. My son, who has an 'alphabet soup' of diagnoses (Aspergers, OCD, ADHD, SID), was mainstreamed into 4th grade because Florida doesn't recognize Asperger's as an autism spectrum disorder. He was having more and more trouble coping and we were having trouble, too. His lack of sleep (always been an issue) got worse, and we had a viscious cycle. After telling the psychiatrist we have to DO something, his doctor increased one med and we have a new child.

The kicker is that the increase in dosage confirms something I've brought up to the doctor. My son is bipolar. Now, I could wallow in the fact that my child has another thing to deal with, however, I'm rejoicing that we've found something that is helping him to cope with his day to day life much better.

I had no idea that there were so many parents of special kids here on the DIS. Reading all your stories, even if they're not great ones, comforts me. It is a relief sometimes when one realizes they are not going through the struggle alone.

Suzanne