Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[Skywalker]

Wow that is just a horrible attitude towards the children of someone you are supposed to love. I can't imagine how those kids felt because I am sure they picked up on how much you don't want them there. I sure hope you husband let you know how unhappy he was with your attitude regarding HIS children!

Yes, I think she needs to realize that, to her husband, his children are just as much a part of their "little family".

 

[ilovemk76]

I'm glad that DH and I never treated the kids like Mine and Ours.

My DD1 (from my first marriage) was treated exactly like our DD2 by DH. If she did something well or got a good grade or whatever, he let her know. If she was scared or hurt, he was there for hugs and to bandage her knee. He wrestled and tickled her, just like he did with DD2. If she screwed up, DH let her know---and would punish her just as he did DD2.

If he brought home something from the store or work for DD2, and DD1 was home, he brought her something too. When he went on business trips, he'd bring DD1 home a gift (even if she was with her father or grandparents).

If I had to work, he'd have both the girls (DS wasn't around then), without complaint. I never had to ask "Do you mind watching DD1?" The conversation would go: "I'm scheduled for Saturday." "Ok, I think the kids and I will go to breakfast and then maybe go see a movie."

Did he favor our DD? I'm sure he did. She had him wrapped around his finger since she was born. He didn't go through the baby phase with DD2 (she was 3 when we started seeing each other), so he didn't get that bonding time. But he never--not once---treated her differently than DD2 (when she was with us).

But not once did DH ever treat DD1 as anything less than a treasured little girl. Guess she was lucky, from what I read today.

 

[amjb]

What?? They're not?? Well this one didn't take long to go off the rails.

No, they're not.

Just because she married a man with children does not mean she is now an equal parent to them.

This expectation is what results in a lot of conflict and relationship issues in second marriages.

Again, not every blended family is the same very shortsighted and presumptuous to assume that it is.

 

[amjb]

Having your own children in your own home isn't dumping them.

It is when you expect someone else to do all the work.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

Op, it sounds like you need to have a discussion with your husband about the division of childcare duties for all of the children involved. You also need to lay expectations about the division of time between households.

I think you are being unfairly chastised by many on the thread. He should have talked to you before agreeing to have the kids during break, and he should have stepped up to help while they were there. It doesn't matter whose kids they are, he should have stepped up to help.

We don't have this type of situation in our household, but most of our friends have step kids who share time between homes. The parents are clear about division of duties and time. Childcare is a lot of work, especially when they are small. I don't see it as an issue about his kids being "unwelcome" in your home. Using that logic, the ex-wife would be able to drop them off for you to watch whenever it suits her.

 

[wdwmom2]

I'm glad that DH and I never treated the kids like Mine and Ours.

My DD1 (from my first marriage) was treated exactly like our DD2 by DH. If she did something well or got a good grade or whatever, he let her know. If she was scared or hurt, he was there for hugs and to bandage her knee. He wrestled and tickled her, just like he did with DD2. If she screwed up, DH let her know---and would punish her just as he did DD2.

If he brought home something from the store or work for DD2, and DD1 was home, he brought her something too. When he went on business trips, he'd bring DD1 home a gift (even if she was with her father or grandparents).

If I had to work, he'd have both the girls (DS wasn't around then), without complaint. I never had to ask "Do you mind watching DD1?" The conversation would go: "I'm scheduled for Saturday." "Ok, I think the kids and I will go to breakfast and then maybe go see a movie."

Did he favor our DD? I'm sure he did. She had him wrapped around his finger since she was born. He didn't go through the baby phase with DD2 (she was 3 when we started seeing each other), so he didn't get that bonding time. But he never--not once---treated her differently than DD2 (when she was with us).

But not once did DH ever treat DD1 as anything less than a treasured little girl. Guess she was lucky, from what I read today.

DH and I will be married for 16 years this coming April. We both entered the marriage with 2 children each. Never was there your kids/my kids, it was "our" kids. And they all 4 ended up living with us full-time, even though they all started 50/50 with the other parent.

We had a busy house. Lots of school activities, sports, etc. We both pitched in and got it done, biological children or not. They all got the "good, bad, and the ugly" from both of us, again, biological or not. And all the kids knew that they could count on either of us, at any time, if they were in need.

It can work, if you work on it!!! Now, all the kiddos are out of the house, and DH and I are now enjoying our alone time I thoroughly enjoy this phase in our life. But I do look back and remember all the fast-paced, crazy chaos that our life was. I realize how much I enjoyed it!!!

 

[manning]

I'm assuming you knew this man had children before you married him. Your house should be their house and they should be welcome at anytime, just as your child is.

And he should be discussing this with his partner...his wife... before making a commitment.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

No, they're not.

Just because she married a man with children does not mean she is now an equal parent to them.

This expectation is what results in a lot of conflict and relationship issues in second marriages.

Again, not every blended family is the same very shortsighted and presumptuous to assume that it is.

I totally agree.

 

[Miskey]

OP, where would the children have stayedif you had been at work? Do you think you would have been nearly as frustrated if your husbNd had been more involved and helpful when he came home in the evening?

 

[Kellykins1218]

It is when you expect someone else to do all the work.

Nope, not when you're a family. The kids should be welcome anytime. No discussion needed. It's just as much their house as her son's.

 

[luvsJack]

Wow. It seems to me that too many times its the kids that cannot win. When you marry someone with kids it is indeed a package deal and if either party doesn't see it that way then something is very, very wrong. And that means in every aspect: fun times, holidays, bad times and discipline isssues.

BUT I can completely understand the way the OP is feeling. When I have time off sometimes I just want some time to myself or just me and dd. But usually one or the other or all of my dgds will want to come over or I will be asked to babysit. And I rarely say no which sort of does away with that alone time or whatever. The difference though is that it is my choice. It doesn't sound like she got a choice. If the Op's time off had been planned for the time her stepchildren were supposed to be there and she was complaining or if her dh and the ex had talked to her first and she complained, then it would have been on her. Doesn't sound like that happened.

Personally, going forward I would want to be a part of any decisions made especially those that include changes in the visitation. She deserves to be treated as a parent of these children just as they deserve to be treated as a part of her family. I am guessing that mom wouldn't have just dropped the kids off without consulting dad and the OP deserved the same consideration.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

We've got two separate issues going on here:

First, your husband should be more involved in taking care of the children in general, and especially when it's his idea to have his children from a previous relationship stay at your joint home when you had indicated you wanted a relaxing time off.

Second is the idea some posters bring up of "my kids" vs "his kids". I don't have any first hand experience with this, since I've never been divorced and neither have my parents, but I think the idea that "his kids" aren't you're responsibility is pretty messed up.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nope, not when you're a family. The kids should be welcome anytime. No discussion needed. It's just as much their house as her son's.

I cannot even begin how very very very very strongly I disagree with this above post.

OMG....

I don't care if these were actually HER kids.. (and not step-kids)

Just because one is a wife and mother does not mean that you are a servant, on call, 24/7.
Being born with a female body part does not mean that you are a 24/7 life-long servant... and it is ASSUMED that you are always there to care-for and to do-for the males and the children.

And, whether one wants to be a 'hater' and flame this woman because they are not their kids... or not... The fact remains that these kids have TWO biological parents who simply assumed that she would take the time off and give up her break so THEY wouldn't have to.

Unbelievable that there are still women, who are not in some third-world country, who not only adhere to this mind-set, but would openly hate and judge any who do not.

OP, you need to talk with your husband.
You need to start to establish a new status-quo and more healthy respect and boundaries...
Shared responsibility... Breaks for you... etc.

Again, HUGS!!!!

 

[JanaDee]

I wonder if the boys felt it, too.

Of course they did. People that feel that way don't hide their feelings well.

 

[amjb]

It seems like a lot of people do not understand the dynamics of a step families and are pushing their own ideals of what they should be like.

Just because your family works one way doesn't mean another family should be the same.

 

[Wishing on a star]

but I think the idea that "his kids" aren't you're responsibility is pretty messed up.

Well, perhaps the fact that you have no personal experience with this is telling....

I think the idea that she should always, 24/7, without even being asked, expected to care the children is what would be pretty 'messed up'.

The OP has certainly accepted a reasonable amount of responsibility here.
There is joint custody, and she seems very very experienced and comfortable caring for her husbands children.

Again, that doesn't mean that there isn't something very, very, WRONG with any assumption that a wife will always be there, no questions asked. And any request for some respect or a break is considered a huge sin.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I cannot even begin how very very very very strongly I disagree with this above post.

OMG....

I don't care if these were actually HER kids.. (and not step-kids)

Just because one is a wife and mother does not mean that you are a servant, on call, 24/7.
Being born with a female body part does not mean that you are a 24/7 life-long servant... and it is ASSUMED that you are always there to care-for and to do-for the males and the children.

And, whether one wants to be a 'hater' and flame this woman because they are not their kids... or not... The fact remains that these kids have TWO biological parents who simply assumed that she would take the time off and give up her break so THEY wouldn't have to.

Unbelievable that there are still women, who are not in some third-world country, who not only adhere to this mind-set, but would openly hate and judge any who do not.

OP, you need to talk with your husband.
You need to start to establish a new status-quo and more healthy respect and boundaries...
Shared responsibility... Breaks for you... etc.

Again, HUGS!!!!

And I totally disagree you. You think she discusses it with her husband every time she leaves him with her kid? They are a family and those kids should be welcome at all times no matter what. It's their house, too. To think or say otherwise is sickening. I feel sorry for those poor kids.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And I totally disagree you. You think she discusses it with her husband every time she leaves him with her kid? They are a family and those kids should be welcome at all times no matter what. It's their house, too. To think or say otherwise is sickening. I feel sorry for those poor kids.

Something tells me that she never really just 'leaves him with her kid'.
She states that hasn't been able to to this over the holiday break.
She indicates that her son would be left with relatives/others.

Yes, we will have to agree to disagree in the strongest way.

 

[luvsJack]

No, they're not.

Just because she married a man with children does not mean she is now an equal parent to them.

This expectation is what results in a lot of conflict and relationship issues in second marriages.

Again, not every blended family is the same very shortsighted and presumptuous to assume that it is.

I couldn't disagree more. IME, in the blemded families where all of spouses are treated as parents it works much better. The children know they are loved and welcome no matter whose house they are in and they give the same respect to all of their parents.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but to me, the whole very presumptuous idea that all are parents (Step Parents, Grand Parents, how about God-parents...) and all MUST be there, on call, no questions asked... 24/7 is some kind of warped pipe-dream.

I would not presume to leave my child ANYWHERE... not even with his father, who I am married to and living with... for this length of time, without having a fair and respectful discussion about the plans.

Some of these post just have me going...