Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[World Showcaser]

I booked a glorious week off for myself after Christmas. I couldn't wait to have some alone time. I knew I'd have to take care of my own son but that he would be with his dad for some of the time. And he is a kid that would play all day by himself, if you let him.

Then, my husband volunteers to look after his kids for the entire two weeks of their Christmas vacation, even though it wasn't our turn, so their mom could go on vacation. Now I love my stepkids and they are here quite a bit. But he was working the entire time they were here, afternoons and weekends, leaving me to care for all three kids.

I know that there are worse things in the world and we did have fun but I'm feeling a little used. Mostly because when he would come home from work or before work, he wouldn't jump in to help with anything. I had to beg for him to contribute so I could get the smallest of breaks.

Feeling resentful this morning as I spent the last hour begging him to go out and shovel the drive so I could drive him to work.

I'm sure I'll feel better later....after I drive them the two hours home, by myself.

 

[Sabeking]

I'm sorry! It's easy to get bitter when expectations and reality collide. I definitely would let him know how you feel and see if there is a way you can plan maybe a shorter version of what you had in mind. I hope you get some time alone!

 

[Bluestars]

That was rude of your husband not to discuss it with you before volunteering to take the kids for the break. It must be hard being a step parent. Your husband was probably excited to have his family together for the break. The kids probably liked it too.

Maybe next time you take the time off, you can plan a trip or something. I can sympathize with both you and your husband. You deserve a break and some alone time. It's probably hard for him to only see his kids during certain times. Can you imagine if you only saw your son during those times? That's how it is for your husband. He still should have checked with you first.

You sound like a good step mom though.

 

[Andtototoo]

Are you telling your husband how you feel?

 

[Kellykins1218]

Wow, how horrible to have a man who wants to have his kids with him even when it's not "your turn." Sorry, but this sounds like a horribly selfish complaint especially since your child lives with you.

 

[amjb]

Duplicate post

 

[amjb]

Wow, how horrible to have a man who wants to have his kids with him even when it's not "your turn." Sorry, but you sound horribly selfish especially since your child lives with you.

Ridiculous.

Her step kids have two parents, she's not required to be MORE responsible for them than they are.

Mom was able to take vacation and enjoy it, while dad offloaded the child care to OP. And you call her selfish? If Dad wanted more time with his kids, it's his job to ensure they are cared for. Aldo, you are making a big assumption that he doesn't have a lot if parenting time. He could have 50/50 for all you know.

She obviously knows what sharing parental time is like as she has a child she shares with her ex.

At minimum the OPs husband should have let her decide if she wanted to use her vacation time this way. Sounds like he's more interested in placating his ex than being respectful to his wife.

 

[ilovemk76]

Ridiculous.
These are not her children. They have two parents.

One of which actually was able to enjoy the vacation time she took, the other who offloaded their parental responsibility while their children was in his home . Why are THEY not the selfish ones?

At minimum, OP should have been consulted in the decision to have her skids over during her vacation time.

Knowing that he had to work, the DH should have discussed this with his wife before saying it was fine. That is the only problem with the OP's situation. I am sure he was excited to have his kids over the holidays.

The Mother was selfish to go on vacation and not take her kids.

These are her children also. Just because she did not supply the egg, does not mean they are not hers. She married a man with kids. It was a package deal.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I totally and completely understand!!!!

There is a lot going on here.
And two of the biggest are:

1. He disrespected the fact that you took vacation so you could have some time off that you NEEDED...

2. He put his EX-wife (assuming ex-wife) and her break before yours... without seeming to have even consulted you or apologised.

I won't even mention the fact that he is not taking any time off, or stepping up to care for his own kids and keep them occupied and spend time with them. Absolving himself of any responsibility, because, "Hey, he doesn't need to... you are there."

I think that, like other's mentioned, maybe it sounds like you really, REALLY, need to have a talk with your husband about these things.

While we don't know you and all of the other 'players' here.
I will say that very often, it is hard to complain about being a martyr, when one has openly voluteered for the position.
You really need to take a deeper look at how things ended up like they have this week.
It takes two (or three, or more) to Tango.

Maybe it is time to re-think the dance.

HUGS!!!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

At minimum the OPs husband should have let her decide if she wanted to use her vacation time this way. Sounds like he's more interested in placating his ex than being respectful to his wife.

Yes, assuming the basic facts of the situation are as the OP had stated...
This very very much seems to be the case, as I am seeing it, also.

 

[amjb]

Knowing that he had to work, the DH should have discussed this with his wife before saying it was fine. That is the only problem with the OP's situation. I am sure he was excited to have his kids over the holidays. The Mother was selfish to go on vacation and not take her kids. These are her children also. Just because she did not supply the egg, does not mean they are not hers. She married a man with kids. It was a package deal.

Package deal? Umm no.

The kids have 2 patents that have legal rights that go along with the responsibilities. In most locations SP have no legal rights.

Not all blended family situations are the same and it's very simplistic to label it package deal.

The level of parenting required by a SP needs to be agreed upon.

 

[Miskey]

Wow, how horrible to have a man who wants to have his kids with him even when it's not "your turn." Sorry, but this sounds like a horribly selfish complaint especially since your child lives with you.

I'm assuming you knew this man had children before you married him. Your house should be their house and they should be welcome at anytime, just as your child is.

 

[Skywalker]

I think it is nice your husband has a good relationship with the mom that he will take care of the kids without it being "his turn". The way you phrased that makes them sound unwanted by the way, like a game of Hot Potato, though I'm sure you didn't mean that. Anyway, your husband's flexibility I'm sure will build up good will and maybe she will reciprocate for you one day. Much better than an acrimonious relationship for sure.

I don't think its fair to complain about your husbands kids being in your home. Since it their dad's house, it is their home too, whether you like it or not. And, your son is there, does your husband complain that he wanted some alone time but your son is there? That wouldn't be nice either.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Ridiculous.

Her step kids have two parents, she's not required to be MORE responsible for them than they are.

Mom was able to take vacation and enjoy it, while dad offloaded the child care to OP. And you call her selfish? If Dad wanted more time with his kids, it's his job to ensure they are cared for. Aldo, you are making a big assumption that he doesn't have a lot if parenting time. He could have 50/50 for all you know.

She obviously knows what sharing parental time is like as she has a child she shares with her ex.

At minimum the OPs husband should have let her decide if she wanted to use her vacation time this way. Sounds like he's more interested in placating his ex than being respectful to his wife.

Not ridiculous at all. I'm sure he NEVER watches her kid, right? It's a selfish complaint. She chose to marry a man with kids and those kids have just as much right to be in their father's house as her child does. They shouldn't have to wait for a "turn."

 

[JanaDee]

I booked a glorious week off for myself after Christmas. I couldn't wait to have some alone time. I knew I'd have to take care of my own son but that he would be with his dad for some of the time. And he is a kid that would play all day by himself, if you let him.

Then, my husband volunteers to look after his kids for the entire two weeks of their Christmas vacation, even though it wasn't our turn, so their mom could go on vacation. Now I love my stepkids and they are here quite a bit. But he was working the entire time they were here, afternoons and weekends, leaving me to care for all three kids.

I know that there are worse things in the world and we did have fun but I'm feeling a little used. Mostly because when he would come home from work or before work, he wouldn't jump in to help with anything. I had to beg for him to contribute so I could get the smallest of breaks.

Feeling resentful this morning as I spent the last hour begging him to go out and shovel the drive so I could drive him to work.

I'm sure I'll feel better later....after I drive them the two hours home, by myself.

Have you told your DH how you feel?

I agree with others that when you marry a person with kids, it's a package deal.

Your son lives with you fulltime, but your husband's children don't?

 

[Kellykins1218]

I'm assuming you knew this man had children before you married him. Your house should be their house and they should be welcome at anytime, just as your child is.

Exactly!

 

[Mom_Rides]

Wow, how horrible to have a man who wants to have his kids with him even when it's not "your turn." Sorry, but this sounds like a horribly selfish complaint especially since your child lives with you.

HIS kids not hers. And how much time did he get with HIS kids while HE was working and SHE was home?

I'm happy to be with a man who loves and misses his kids and wishes they spent more time with us but I've been in the OP shoes and had to take care of HIS kids when it was sprung of me. The fact that he didn't discuss it with her is where the problem lies. He volunteered to take care of HIS kids when in fact she was the one who would be caring for them and didn't consult with her whatsoever.

My DH did a similar thing this year to me. We have a DD together. He has two sons from a previous marriage. This year was the boys years to be with their mom for Christmas Day. He springs on me on CHRISTMAS EVE that the boys will be with us for Christmas morning. Now I love my stepsons don't get me wrong but that fired me up. I didn't have as many gifts for them as DD had and they're "numbers" kids (as in she got more than us ... Even though we spend the same amount on all the kids ...) and I just didn't appreciate the extra stress. And call me a big fat witch if you want but I enjoy the times with my little family on Christmas morning the years I get that. I know the boys are a package deal with DH but we have our little family too and it took me aback when the plans for our little family came to a screeching halt. I put a smile on my face and went with it but I'm sure DH knew how unhappy I was with the situation.

OP, I hope you share with your DH how you feel. I know that fine line of being supportive and all but he took advantage of you and you need to call him out on it. Hugs!

 

[JanaDee]

I think it is nice your husband has a good relationship with the mom that he will take care of the kids without it being "his turn". The way you phrased that makes them sound unwanted by the way, like a game of Hot Potato, though I'm sure you didn't mean that. Anyway, your husband's flexibility I'm sure will build up good will and maybe she will reciprocate for you one day. Much better than an acrimonious relationship for sure.

I don't think its fair to complain about your husbands kids being in your home. Since it their dad's house, it is their home too, whether you like it or not. And, your son is there, does your husband complain that he wanted some alone time but your son is there? That wouldn't be nice either.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

At minimum the OPs husband should have let her decide if she wanted to use her vacation time this way. Sounds like he's more interested in placating his ex than being respectful to his wife.

Sounds a lot like my DH, until I put my foot down after 5 years of him volunteering my time to spend with my DSS while he worked and she jetted off to Cancun. To make matters worse, if the kids know mom went away, stepmom deals with kids who may be upset and hurt that mom chooses to have fun without them- I know mine acted out whenever his mom went on a beach vacation without him.

OP you need to speak up to your DH. It's great that he wants to spend time with his kids, if he's actually home to spend that time. Otherwise, he's just putting his ex's wants before yours, which is not cool. He should have taken extra days off from work, or vacation time, to be there with his family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I booked a glorious week off for myself after Christmas. I couldn't wait to have some alone time. I knew I'd have to take care of my own son but that he would be with his dad for some of the time. And he is a kid that would play all day by himself, if you let him.

Then, my husband volunteers to look after his kids for the entire two weeks of their Christmas vacation, even though it wasn't our turn, so their mom could go on vacation. Now I love my stepkids and they are here quite a bit. But he was working the entire time they were here, afternoons and weekends, leaving me to care for all three kids.

I know that there are worse things in the world and we did have fun but I'm feeling a little used. Mostly because when he would come home from work or before work, he wouldn't jump in to help with anything. I had to beg for him to contribute so I could get the smallest of breaks.

Feeling resentful this morning as I spent the last hour begging him to go out and shovel the drive so I could drive him to work.

I'm sure I'll feel better later....after I drive them the two hours home, by myself.

That must have been frustrating when you'd planned your time off in a different way.

The impression I get is that your husband and his ex-wife have a decent relationship. That's good for everybody. Hopefully it will benefit you some time, too. Give and take and all that.

That said, I think your husband should have been more available to you and the kids during that time. (And it sounds from the shovel comment that you have some frustrations with him about other things, too.)

OTOH, I presume your DH is working so hard because he's trying to do the right thing and support his family. (All of his family.) So that is admirable.

You two need to have a heart to heart, but I would keep in mind, that these are his kids, and just as important to him as the child that the two of you share, and you married him and had a child together knowing he had two kids already. This type of thing is going to happen from time to time.

Ridiculous.
These are not her children. They have two parents.

What?? They're not??

Well this one didn't take long to go off the rails.