Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[Gumbo4x4]

OP, from your husband's perspective, he likely didn't view this as a week "off" for you since your son was going to be there. Did you make your intention for the week clear when you scheduled it?

I do agree he should have helped out, but it looks like maybe the rest is just a failure to communicate - on both parties.

 

[Miskey]

HIS kids not hers. And how much time did he get with HIS kids while HE was working and SHE was home?

I'm happy to be with a man who loves and misses his kids and wishes they spent more time with us but I've been in the OP shoes and had to take care of HIS kids when it was sprung of me. The fact that he didn't discuss it with her is where the problem lies. He volunteered to take care of HIS kids when in fact she was the one who would be caring for them and didn't consult with her whatsoever.

My DH did a similar thing this year to me. We have a DD together. He has two sons from a previous marriage. This year was the boys years to be with their mom for Christmas Day. He springs on me on CHRISTMAS EVE that the boys will be with us for Christmas morning. Now I love my stepsons don't get me wrong but that fired me up. I didn't have as many gifts for them as DD had and they're "numbers" kids (as in she got more than us ... Even though we spend the same amount on all the kids ...) and I just didn't appreciate the extra stress. And call me a big fat witch if you want but I enjoy the times with my little family on Christmas morning the years I get that. I know the boys are a package deal with DH but we have our little family too and it took me aback when the plans for our little family came to a screeching halt. I put a smile on my face and went with it but I'm sure DH knew how unhappy I was with the situation.

OP, I hope you share with your DH how you feel. I know that fine line of being supportive and all but he took advantage of you and you need to call him out on it. Hugs!

People that feel this way should not marry someone who already has children. Your "HIS children" statement actually made me cringe, and I do feel very sorry for your stepchildren.

 

[Mom_Rides]

You two need to have a heart to heart, but I would keep in mind, that these are his kids, and just as important to him as the child that the two of you share, and you married him and had a child together knowing he had two kids already. This type of thing is going to happen from time to time. .

Just because "this type of thing is going to happen from time to time" and just because OP knew when she married him that he had children doesn't mean that her DH was right in not consulting with her first and making sure she was ok with it. They're ultimately not her responsibility and her husband should have enough respect for her to ask her if she minded taking care of them.

 

[aprilgail2]

I'm assuming you knew this man had children before you married him. Your house should be their house and they should be welcome at anytime, just as your child is.

I don't think its fair to complain about your husbands kids being in your home. Since it their dad's house, it is their home too, whether you like it or not. And, your son is there, does your husband complain that he wanted some alone time but your son is there? That wouldn't be nice either.

Exactly- I am sure there are times when the OP goes out someplace and her husband is at home watching her son- I wonder if he feels "used" as the OP does. Sounds like you two could benefit from some couples counseling.

 

[Mom_Rides]

People that feel this way should not marry someone who already has children. Your "HIS children" statement actually made me cringe, and I do feel very sorry for your stepchildren.

No need to feel sorry for them. They are loved and taken care of and have everything they need from all their parents - birth or otherwise.

 

[Skywalker]

They're ultimately not her responsibility and her husband should have enough respect for her to ask her if she minded taking care of them.

Cool, so every time the OP goes to say, the grocery store, she should have a formal conversation with her husband about whether he minds watching her son? Or is it just assumed her son is part of their family, but his kids are not?

 

[lizabu]

Wow, how horrible to have a man who wants to have his kids with him even when it's not "your turn." Sorry, but this sounds like a horribly selfish complaint especially since your child lives with you.

I don't see it as selfish at all. It's actually kind of selfish to dump your kids off on someone else to watch without asking them first even when that person happens to be your wife.

 

[ilovemk76]

HIS kids not hers. And how much time did he get with HIS kids while HE was working and SHE was home?

I'm happy to be with a man who loves and misses his kids and wishes they spent more time with us but I've been in the OP shoes and had to take care of HIS kids when it was sprung of me. The fact that he didn't discuss it with her is where the problem lies. He volunteered to take care of HIS kids when in fact she was the one who would be caring for them and didn't consult with her whatsoever.

My DH did a similar thing this year to me. We have a DD together. He has two sons from a previous marriage. This year was the boys years to be with their mom for Christmas Day. He springs on me on CHRISTMAS EVE that the boys will be with us for Christmas morning. Now I love my stepsons don't get me wrong but that fired me up. I didn't have as many gifts for them as DD had and they're "numbers" kids (as in she got more than us ... Even though we spend the same amount on all the kids ...) and I just didn't appreciate the extra stress. And call me a big fat witch if you want but I enjoy the times with my little family on Christmas morning the years I get that. I know the boys are a package deal with DH but we have our little family too and it took me aback when the plans for our little family came to a screeching halt. I put a smile on my face and went with it but I'm sure DH knew how unhappy I was with the situation.

OP, I hope you share with your DH how you feel. I know that fine line of being supportive and all but he took advantage of you and you need to call him out on it. Hugs!

 

[Kellykins1218]

I don't see it as selfish at all. It's actually kind of selfish to dump your kids off on someone else to watch without asking them first even when that person happens to be your wife.

Having your own children in your own home isn't dumping them.

 

[ilovemk76]

Cool, so every time the OP goes to say, the grocery store, she should have a formal conversation with her husband about whether he minds watching her son? Or is it just assumed her son is part of their family, but his kids are not?

Of course, her son is part of the family, because she is his mother.

 

[Mom_Rides]

Cool, so every time the OP goes to say, the grocery store, she should have a formal conversation with her husband about whether he minds watching her son? Or is it just assumed her son is part of their family, but his kids are not?

It's not a matter of being a part of the family, it's a matter of respect on the part of her DH. Her son was going to his dads for part of the break, OP was looking forward to the time alone. Her DH agrees, without consulting with her, to take care of his kids. It's a simple matter of respect. Her DH disrespected her but not simply asking. I'm sure that the OP would have agreed if asked but she wasn't and that is the issue.

 

[Jedana]

I'm glad that DH and I never treated the kids like Mine and Ours.

My DD1 (from my first marriage) was treated exactly like our DD2 by DH. If she did something well or got a good grade or whatever, he let her know. If she was scared or hurt, he was there for hugs and to bandage her knee. He wrestled and tickled her, just like he did with DD2. If she screwed up, DH let her know---and would punish her just as he did DD2.

If he brought home something from the store or work for DD2, and DD1 was home, he brought her something too. When he went on business trips, he'd bring DD1 home a gift (even if she was with her father or grandparents).

If I had to work, he'd have both the girls (DS wasn't around then), without complaint. I never had to ask "Do you mind watching DD1?" The conversation would go: "I'm scheduled for Saturday." "Ok, I think the kids and I will go to breakfast and then maybe go see a movie."

Did he favor our DD? I'm sure he did. She had him wrapped around his finger since she was born. He didn't go through the baby phase with DD2 (she was 3 when we started seeing each other), so he didn't get that bonding time. But he never--not once---treated her differently than DD2 (when she was with us).

But not once did DH ever treat DD1 as anything less than a treasured little girl. Guess she was lucky, from what I read today.

 

[nugov2]

HIS kids not hers. And how much time did he get with HIS kids while HE was working and SHE was home?

I'm happy to be with a man who loves and misses his kids and wishes they spent more time with us but I've been in the OP shoes and had to take care of HIS kids when it was sprung of me. The fact that he didn't discuss it with her is where the problem lies. He volunteered to take care of HIS kids when in fact she was the one who would be caring for them and didn't consult with her whatsoever.

My DH did a similar thing this year to me. We have a DD together. He has two sons from a previous marriage. This year was the boys years to be with their mom for Christmas Day. He springs on me on CHRISTMAS EVE that the boys will be with us for Christmas morning. Now I love my stepsons don't get me wrong but that fired me up. I didn't have as many gifts for them as DD had and they're "numbers" kids (as in she got more than us ... Even though we spend the same amount on all the kids ...) and I just didn't appreciate the extra stress. And call me a big fat witch if you want but I enjoy the times with my little family on Christmas morning the years I get that. I know the boys are a package deal with DH but we have our little family too and it took me aback when the plans for our little family came to a screeching halt. I put a smile on my face and went with it but I'm sure DH knew how unhappy I was with the situation.
OP, I hope you share with your DH how you feel. I know that fine line of being supportive and all but he took advantage of you and you need to call him out on it. Hugs!

Imagine you for some reason get divorced and your dh gets remarried and YOUR dd is treated like the pariah that impedes his "new little" family. I think sometimes things are lost in translation online and in emails and I am hopeful that this is one of those times, because that is a really harsh thing to say and you can't have feelings like that and hide them the way you think you are. They know they are not a part of your little family and even if they don't like you...it hurts them.

OP I do see it from both sides in the respect that he was expecting you to care for them all day when you are usually working and not able to do so. I agree you could have had plans and what would he have done. I don't think it is a situation you really say no to as that is their home too, but I do think a little common courtesy goes a long way even in non blended homes. Dh and I discuss plans we make that will impact the other one and to me that is where he dropped the ball. I understand that would be frustrating.

 

[aprilgail2]

My DH did a similar thing this year to me. We have a DD together. He has two sons from a previous marriage. This year was the boys years to be with their mom for Christmas Day. He springs on me on CHRISTMAS EVE that the boys will be with us for Christmas morning. Now I love my stepsons don't get me wrong but that fired me up. I didn't have as many gifts for them as DD had and they're "numbers" kids (as in she got more than us ... Even though we spend the same amount on all the kids ...) and I just didn't appreciate the extra stress. And call me a big fat witch if you want but I enjoy the times with my little family on Christmas morning the years I get that. I know the boys are a package deal with DH but we have our little family too and it took me aback when the plans for our little family came to a screeching halt. I put a smile on my face and went with it but I'm sure DH knew how unhappy I was with the situation.

!

Wow that is just a horrible attitude towards the children of someone you are supposed to love. I can't imagine how those kids felt because I am sure they picked up on how much you don't want them there. I sure hope you husband let you know how unhappy he was with your attitude regarding HIS children!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My DH did a similar thing this year to me. We have a DD together. He has two sons from a previous marriage. This year was the boys years to be with their mom for Christmas Day. He springs on me on CHRISTMAS EVE that the boys will be with us for Christmas morning. Now I love my stepsons don't get me wrong but that fired me up. I didn't have as many gifts for them as DD had and they're "numbers" kids (as in she got more than us ... Even though we spend the same amount on all the kids ...) and I just didn't appreciate the extra stress. And call me a big fat witch if you want but I enjoy the times with my little family on Christmas morning the years I get that. I know the boys are a package deal with DH but we have our little family too and it took me aback when the plans for our little family came to a screeching halt. I put a smile on my face and went with it but I'm sure DH knew how unhappy I was with the situation

I wonder if the boys felt it, too.

Just because "this type of thing is going to happen from time to time" and just because OP knew when she married him that he had children doesn't mean that her DH was right in not consulting with her first and making sure she was ok with it. They're ultimately not her responsibility and her husband should have enough respect for her to ask her if she minded taking care of them.

I think we can probably all agree there was a communication issue here.

 

[maleficent32]

I feel bad for you step parents, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I'm sure it won't be too long before a thread is started about a stepchild doing something, the step parent wanting to do something about it, and everyone saying its the parents job, not yours...........

you guys can't win

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm glad that DH and I never treated the kids like Mine and Ours.

My DD1 (from my first marriage) was treated exactly like our DD2 by DH. If she did something well or got a good grade or whatever, he let her know. If she was scared or hurt, he was there for hugs and to bandage her knee. He wrestled and tickled her, just like he did with DD2. If she screwed up, DH let her know---and would punish her just as he did DD2.

If he brought home something from the store or work for DD2, and DD1 was home, he brought her something too. When he went on business trips, he'd bring DD1 home a gift (even if she was with her father or grandparents).

If I had to work, he'd have both the girls (DS wasn't around then), without complaint. I never had to ask "Do you mind watching DD1?" The conversation would go: "I'm scheduled for Saturday." "Ok, I think the kids and I will go to breakfast and then maybe go see a movie."

Did he favor our DD? I'm sure he did. She had him wrapped around his finger since she was born. He didn't go through the baby phase with DD2 (she was 3 when we started seeing each other), so he didn't get that bonding time. But he never--not once---treated her differently than DD2 (when she was with us).

But not once did DH ever treat DD1 as anything less than a treasured little girl. Guess she was lucky, from what I read today.

So nice to read.

Slightly OT but someone a few weeks ago posted something really touching about a stepmother by a stepdaughter. I think it may have had to do with her wedding day? Does anyone remember it?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I booked a glorious week off for myself after Christmas. I couldn't wait to have some alone time. I knew I'd have to take care of my own son but that he would be with his dad for some of the time. And he is a kid that would play all day by himself, if you let him.

Then, my husband volunteers to look after his kids for the entire two weeks of their Christmas vacation, even though it wasn't our turn, so their mom could go on vacation. Now I love my stepkids and they are here quite a bit. But he was working the entire time they were here, afternoons and weekends, leaving me to care for all three kids.

I know that there are worse things in the world and we did have fun but I'm feeling a little used. Mostly because when he would come home from work or before work, he wouldn't jump in to help with anything. I had to beg for him to contribute so I could get the smallest of breaks.

Feeling resentful this morning as I spent the last hour begging him to go out and shovel the drive so I could drive him to work.

I'm sure I'll feel better later....after I drive them the two hours home, by myself.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, it sounds like time for a chat with your DH. But more than anything maybe it's time to see the silver lining here.

Do you think your son had more fun or less fun with his siblings over? Surely it's more fun to have siblings to play with than to spend so much time playing by himself while mom gets her alone time?

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I would've been hurt and upset if my vacation week turned out to be anything BUT a vacation...matter what it was that changed the circumstances. Vacation time is precious, and you don't get as many of those days as you need. I usually plan those days filled with many opportunities and activities that I couldn't do at other times.
DH owes you a date night, or a spa day. And at the very least-an apology!

I'd be upset, but I'd also have no problem speaking up about it. I think that's where you went wrong.