Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[mjkacmom]

And I totally disagree you. You think she discusses it with her husband every time she leaves him with her kid? They are a family and those kids should be welcome at all times no matter what. It's their house, too. To think or say otherwise is sickening. I feel sorry for those poor kids.

Her DH had no right to dictate how she was to spend HER vacation, regardless of who's kids they were. If I worked full time, and took a vacation week, and my DH told me he cancelled our sitter, and the kids would be with me the whole week, without previously discussing it with me, he'd be taking a week off, too.

I know people who "share custody" of their parents with their siblings. So, would it be okay if your spouse's sister decided to go away on vacation during her time, and the IL's were in your care for a week that you planned on doing other things? Without even asking you?

If DH took a week's vacation, there is no way I'd be like "oh good - I'm heading out of town - they're all yours for the week." Issues like these get discussed in our home. With as many kids as we have, there are many times someone has to sacrifice his or her plans - however, DH would never tell me what I had to do.

 

[Wendy31]

Stepkids/kids aside, did everyone miss where the OP had to beg her DH to shovel the driveway so she could drive HIM to work?

I'm thinking the problems go beyond who is taking care of what kids in which location.

However, I agree that, if you marry someone w/ kids, you not only are getting a spouse, you're also getting kids. Your stepkids should feel just as welcomed & wanted in the house as your own kids. Yes, you're a blended family w/ unique problems, but, still, you're a family.

That said, I also understand some of the OP's frustration. I value my "down time." If I had planned 2-3 days of alone time, I'd be frustrated too if suddenly those days were taken away from me - for whatever reason. For example, after the rush & busy-ness of Christmas, I was looking forward to a little quiet time where we didn't have to go anywhere or host anyone... just a few days of some down time. So, when DD's best friend invited her to go ice skating, I felt frustrated... which sounds silly. But I wanted a PJ day - not a "take my DD downtown to meet her friend, find something to do for 2 hours, & then pick her up 2 hours later" day. Not quite the same thing, I know... But I do understand a little of how the OP might be feeling.

But the PP who was disappointed that she couldn't have Christmas w/ her just her "little family" - that makes me sad. The stepkids *ARE* part of the "little family" & should be just as important. Her stepkids are as much her DH's kids as their shared DD is.

 

[mjkacmom]

I couldn't disagree more. IME, in the blemded families where all of spouses are treated as parents it works much better. The children know they are loved and welcome no matter whose house they are in and they give the same respect to all of their parents.

I sort of agree, but biological parent will always trump step parent. For example, what if the OP, during the week, took the boys to get their ears pierced. Would that be okay? Mohawks? Something tells me the biological mom might not be happy...

 

[arminnie]

OP - your husband was a total &*^$&( UTEYJJ T$%^&@ IHbn((.

Think of every DIS inappropriate word imaginable. And his actions lived up to every one of them.

Don't listen to the stupid jerks who think you should feel honored to be able to fill in for another woman's lack of parenting. You are not just some nanny that they can drop the kids on when neither of them want to take care of them.

Sure the kids should be welcome in their father's home. But that does not mean that the Dad gets to sit on his behind while the SM works her tail off to take care of children that are NOT HERS.

But the worst part of this is that he put his ex wife's vacation plans over yours. Is he still carrying feelings for her? Because it's pretty obvious that he cares more about her welfare than yours. That would be a real deal breaker for me if it happened more than once.

This is the 21st century. It is no longer 1950 where the "little woman" is expected to tend to all the "woman's work". When a woman marries a man there are certain things that she pledges - fidelity being critical. No where in my vows did it say I had to babysit, cook, do laundry, etc - not even for my DH. Certainly not for his two sons.

In today's world everything is negotiable. A century ago if a man was left with children he would usually get a maiden aunt or some other female relative to raise them until he could get a new wife to take over the job. A SM today is merely the wife of a man with children. The role she plays is one that works for BOTH parties - not just for the convenience of the man.

 

[msjprincess]

OP - your husband was a total &*^$&( UTEYJJ T$%^&@ IHbn((.

Think of every DIS inappropriate word imaginable. And his actions lived up to every one of them.

Don't listen to the stupid jerks who think you should feel honored to be able to fill in for another woman's lack of parenting. You are not just some nanny that they can drop the kids on when neither of them want to take care of them.

Sure the kids should be welcome in their father's home. But that does not mean that the Dad gets to sit on his behind while the SM works her tail off to take care of children that are NOT HERS.

But the worst part of this is that he put his ex wife's vacation plans over yours. Is he still carrying feelings for her? Because it's pretty obvious that he cares more about her welfare than yours. That would be a real deal breaker for me if it happened more than once.

This is the 21st century. It is no longer 1950 where the "little woman" is expected to tend to all the "woman's work". When a woman marries a man there are certain things that she pledges - fidelity being critical. No where in my vows did it say I had to babysit, cook, do laundry, etc - not even for my DH. Certainly not for his two sons.

In today's world everything is negotiable. A century ago if a man was left with children he would usually get a maiden aunt or some other female relative to raise them until he could get a new wife to take over the job. A SM today is merely the wife of a man with children. The role she plays is one that works for BOTH parties - not just for the convenience of the man.

Oh give me a break.

 

[luvsJack]

It seems like a lot of people do not understand the dynamics of a step families and are pushing their own ideals of what they should be like.

Just because your family works one way doesn't mean another family should be the same.

And I think the question should be is it really working for everyone in the family, including the step kids.

I have two sons by a previous marriage and dd with dh. My ex married a woman with 4 kids and they have one dd together. So plenty of experience.

Respecting all 4 adults as parents to the kids is best for the adults and for the kids. Not doing so means that someone has no control of their own life. I recently gave thos lesson to ds concerning his dds and his girlfriend. It wasn't fair to her for his ex to use her as a babysitter and she needed some say so in their decisions concerning the girls. Since they made changes things are much better for all of them and especially the girls.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Stepkids/kids aside, did everyone miss where the OP had to beg her DH to shovel the driveway so she could drive HIM to work?

I'm thinking the problems go beyond who is taking care of what kids in which location.

Nope, didn't miss that at all....

The totality of the problems here seem very clear.


And, again, I don't care if are no prev. marriages and these are the OP and her husbands BIO children. The fact that he is assuming that she is there to take responsibility for everything, when she was expecting a much needed break, without even discussing it with her... Wow...

Those who are trying to use the fact that she is a woman, wife, and these are her step-children to assume that she deserves absolutely NO respect.

 

[JanaDee]

OP - your husband was a total &*^$&( UTEYJJ T$%^&@ IHbn((.

Think of every DIS inappropriate word imaginable. And his actions lived up to every one of them.

Don't listen to the stupid jerks who think you should feel honored to be able to fill in for another woman's lack of parenting. You are not just some nanny that they can drop the kids on when neither of them want to take care of them.

Sure the kids should be welcome in their father's home. But that does not mean that the Dad gets to sit on his behind while the SM works her tail off to take care of children that are NOT HERS.

But the worst part of this is that he put his ex wife's vacation plans over yours. Is he still carrying feelings for her? Because it's pretty obvious that he cares more about her welfare than yours. That would be a real deal breaker for me if it happened more than once.

This is the 21st century. It is no longer 1950 where the "little woman" is expected to tend to all the "woman's work". When a woman marries a man there are certain things that she pledges - fidelity being critical. No where in my vows did it say I had to babysit, cook, do laundry, etc - not even for my DH. Certainly not for his two sons.

In today's world everything is negotiable. A century ago if a man was left with children he would usually get a maiden aunt or some other female relative to raise them until he could get a new wife to take over the job. A SM today is merely the wife of a man with children. The role she plays is one that works for BOTH parties - not just for the convenience of the man.

Oh wait, are you serious?

So whenever *any* parent goes on vacation without their children, it is due to "lack of parenting". Good to know.

It is very easy to see who is a stepmother or second wife in this thread.

 

[luvsJack]

I sort of agree, but biological parent will always trump step parent. For example, what if the OP, during the week, took the boys to get their ears pierced. Would that be okay? Mohawks? Something tells me the biological mom might not be happy...

But would she be any happier if dad did those things? I mean if I let dd get a nose ring dh would be furious! !! I do see what you are saying but I think that most anything one bio parent would discuss with the other bio parent first should be the same with step parents.

Bio does trump step but there really should be some discussion before that teump is played. Its just all about respect.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I find the attitude, that all of the children in the family shouldn't be welcomed unconditionally, to be absolutely repulsive.

 

[amjb]

And I think the question should be is it really working for everyone in the family, including the step kids. I have two sons by a previous marriage and dd with dh. My ex married a woman with 4 kids and they have one dd together. So plenty of experience. Respecting all 4 adults as parents to the kids is best for the adults and for the kids. Not doing so means that someone has no control of their own life. I recently gave thos lesson to ds concerning his dds and his girlfriend. It wasn't fair to her for his ex to use her as a babysitter and she needed some say so in their decisions concerning the girls. Since they made changes things are much better for all of them and especially the girls.

This works for you... but may not for others.

I am a child advocate in the court system and have extensive child and family psych background.

The "we are all parents" approach can do more damage than good. To have that type of parenting plan requires that everyone be on the same page and have equal rights as well as responsibility.

This means steps have right to discipline. Not all parent are comfortable with that.

It doesn't work when parenting styles differ or when children feel divided loyalties. Some moms do NOT want another woman parenting their child and vice/versa.

Steps families work best when boundaries are clear, there is mutual respect and everyone knows and accepts their role.

 

[Kellykins1218]

It is very easy to see who is a stepmother or second wife in this thread.

LOL I'm a stepmother. My son's stepmother was a truly terrible person (her own family agrees) yet she always treated him very well and like he was one of her own. It was probably the only good thing about her

 

[mjkacmom]

But would she be any happier if dad did those things? I mean if I let dd get a nose ring dh would be furious! !! I do see what you are saying but I think that most anything one bio parent would discuss with the other bio parent first should be the same with step parents.

Bio does trump step but there really should be some discussion before that teump is played. Its just all about respect.

Yes, but in the OP's case, her DH didn't respect her. Now, if her DH was home on vacation, fine, but he had no right to dictate her week off. When asked by the X if he would take the kids for that week, he should have said he would discuss it with his current spouse, the one who would actually be watching the children.

 

[Turn the Page]

I feel bad for you step parents, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I'm sure it won't be too long before a thread is started about a stepchild doing something, the step parent wanting to do something about it, and everyone saying its the parents job, not yours...........

you guys can't win

Ain't it the truth.

Speaking for my situation, DSD4 lives with us full time. She goes to her mothers every other weekend. I am the primary caregiver since DFi works so much. I am the one that gets the girls ready for school in the morning, drives them to school, prepares their meals, picks them up from school, drives them to activities, ensures they have clean clothes to wear every day, makes sure they take showers regularly, take them to the doctor when they need it, etc. etc. etc.

As a stepmom (or future stepmom if we want to get technical) I am told I am supposed to love DSD as if she were my own and treat her the same as I do my DD8 but that I am not her parent and issues of discipline, health concerns, etc. are not my responsibility and I have no say in the matter.

I'm sorry, some women may be able to deal with that but I can't. That does NOT fly with me. If I'm the one taking care of DSD's every day needs and I am her primary caregiver if I have a concern such as behavioral problems and other things such as being nearly 4 years old and not potty trained, my god I'm going to express them. Especially since the work to fix them will be primarily on my shoulders.

But, for those efforts, I am labeled an evil step monster who just doesn't understand DSD and how very wrong it is that I have actual expectations for behavior out of DSD. Oh the horror.

 

[lsyorke]

Yes, but in the OP's case, her DH didn't respect her.

This is the bottom line. As a step parent for years it's all about respect. The OP was not respected in any way in this situation. When did the ex schedule this vacation? Did the DH know weeks ago and just decided not to mention it?

I love my step kids dearly, but I'm not a doormat and as a family we laid down the rules of how situations like this would be handled way before any situation like this came up.

 

[nugov2]

This works for you... but may not for others.

I am a child advocate in the court system and have extensive child and family psych background.

The "we are all parents" approach can do more damage than good. To have that type of parenting plan requires that everyone be on the same page and have equal rights as well as responsibility.

This means steps have right to discipline. Not all parent are comfortable with that.

It doesn't work when parenting styles differ or when children feel divided loyalties. Some moms do NOT want another woman parenting their child and vice/versa.

Steps families work best when boundaries are clear, there is mutual respect and everyone knows and accepts their role.

I discipline any child who comes into my house(family or friends). You respect my rules. I cannot imagine having an agreement that a child enters the house of another for any period of time without expecting reasonable discipline. Are you just supposed to ignore bad behavior and pretend it isn't happening? Is it free reign for the child to behave anyway they want? I don't think you get to make that distinction ever if there is a shared custody agreement and one parent is remarried. Is that adult just supposed to be a shadow while the child is under their roof?

As far as OP I don't think anyone is disagreeing that she shouldn't have a convo with dh about respect as you would even in a nonblended family. The issue was with other posters who referred to them as they were not really part of the "new family" and that sometimes you just want to be with the "new family" and fake it when you don't get that and have to have the other children around. Just a disgusting sentiment.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't think that disagreement, or differing perspectives, equals "haters", especially when opinions are shared respectfully.

I also think that "jerks" is inappropriate as used here.

 

[amjb]

Oh wait, are you serious?

So whenever *any* parent goes on vacation without their children, it is due to "lack of parenting". Good to know.

It is very easy to see who is a stepmother or second wife in this thread.

If you are assuming I am a step, you are wrong. But nice try.

 

[Pumbaa_]

How come you had to drive the kids 2 hours home? That would have been my tipping point

 

[Turn the Page]

We've got two separate issues going on here:

First, your husband should be more involved in taking care of the children in general, and especially when it's his idea to have his children from a previous relationship stay at your joint home when you had indicated you wanted a relaxing time off.

Second is the idea some posters bring up of "my kids" vs "his kids". I don't have any first hand experience with this, since I've never been divorced and neither have my parents, but I think the idea that "his kids" aren't you're responsibility is pretty messed up.

I'm replying to the bolded paragraph here.

I used to agree with you until I became a stepparent. Speaking for myself, stepparents are told so many things are not their responsibility, they aren't your kids they already have two parents they don't need a third, you aren't a parent, you don't have a say because they aren't your kids etc. etc. etc. I shudder to think what DSDs egg donor would say if she heard me referring to DSD as my daughter. Many biological mothers take great offense to a stepmothers involvement with THEIR child and would NOT take kindly to another woman parenting their child.

It can be very VERY easy to slip into the mindset of not my kid, not my problem and I came darn close to that myself. Specifically, when DSD expressed her displeasure with being put in time out by urinating on the bathroom floor. I very nearly told him that until her behavior improves I will not deal with her meaning if he wasn't home to deal with her then she wasn't either. That was a rough period of everybody adjusting to the new family structure. Basically, I felt like DSD's behavior had been created by adults who felt bad that her parents split up and tried to compensate for that by letting her get away with bloody murder and no one, but me, had the stones to do anything about it. It wasn't until that conversation that DFi finally realized her behavior was not ok and he needed to step up to the plate and start disciplining her.

It is so hard to strike the right balance between being a parental figure but not overstepping boundaries and I'm sure those boundaries are set in different places in each family. In our house, the kids are treated the same. It is never a discussion if someone is ok watching the others biological child. The conversation goes "hey, I have to do x on Tuesday, are you good to watch the kids?" But, then again, I'm sure part of the reason it is like that is because both of our kids live with us full time. Although, that said, DFi and his ex live about 3 hours apart so they meet about halfway in between for the exchange. Generally DFi will do pick ups and drop offs but he also knows I have no problem doing it but will ALWAYS ask if I can or not. He doesn't just dump it on me. That is key for me. I don't mind doing the bulk of the parenting but if I do then I'm going to have some authority and say in what happens and I need to know that he appreciates it and supports me when I do have to mete out discipline or for whatever decisions I make when he isn't home. If I didn't have that this family would not work.