Plz help.....teenaged son's girlfriend is pregnant UPDATE ON PG 13

[Disney Doll]

OP.. I deal with these issues everyday @ my job so I know what many of the issues are. First, regarding paternity testing- even if your son thinks 100% the baby is his-- you owe it to your 15 yr. old MINOR son to get testing anyway. He is a minor.. your first job is to look out for his welfare. Admitting paternity is obligating him to take responsibility for this baby for the next 18-22 yrs.(some states mandate child support thru college.) I have seen married women & men ask how to get paternity testing done without the other knowing. Unless they were together 24/7 he can not know for sure.

Next, regarding adoption, her parents can not make her give the baby up. What they can do( & I've seen this happen too often) is make it hard for her to keep it. They may say that she can come home after the baby is born but the baby CAN'T. In this case she will need a back-up plan & a safe place to live with the baby-- this is when she could come to live with you. Where I work social services usually checks on the plan for the mom & baby after discharge. If mom doesn't have a plan or a safe to live, then Children's services is notified. Once Children's services is involved, the courts could be determining all these things.

Also not all hospitals do paternity testing @ birth. If hers doesn;t, you might have to get this done later. Either way, you might have to pay. It can be costly, if you can't afford it, the court can mandate it & pay for it. But if he has already signed paternity papers @ the hospital, they won't.

All this is for my state, laws are different in other states. I agree, a lawyer who deals with family law could help guide you. So too could a call to the hospital where she will deliver. Ask to speak to the social services dept. & whoever processes birth certificates. They should be a good starting point.
Good luck to you all..also thanks for all you will do for this girl, sounds like she will need your help & she's very lucky to have you in her life!

This is very good advice...especially the part I bolded.

If you do not know her parents well, you do not know what kind of people they are, or what they might be capable of doing. I think keeping the kines of communication open with the GF and being proactive with regard to protecting your son should be your first goals.

 

[emmabelle]

yeah,i tried that......
i think she's afraid we are trying to take her daughter away.
actually i'm sure of it. gf's mom has already yelled at gf and said something about my son taking her away from her. moron.....

I was going to say that I didn't understand why her mom would want to keep them apart at this point but now it makes more sense after reading this post. The mom seems to need to be in control of the situation and will do what she needs to do to have that control.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am seeing the possibility that, especially if they are both victims, that the mother has some kind of co-dependancy on her daughter..... And, psychologically, how could her daughter 'leave' her, and escape, and leave her in the situation. The mother will then have to be able to deal with the abusive situation alone....

I am not sure sure if it is a simple control-issue, as much as it could be a codependancy and self-preservation issue.... The need to keep the OP's son and his family away in order to maintain the secrecy (whatever they are hiding,,, abuse, etc....) and the status-quo.

As long as the girl is living at home, locked away in her bedroom, then the truth might not come out.

 

[frndshpcptn]

With all the talk of charges filed by the state, I wonder if that's part of the reason that the girl's parents are trying to keep her away from the OP's son - to not add fuel to the legal fire so to speak?

And the army part kind of sounds like they are looking for a way to help her get her life on track - they are upset and scared and angry - all understandable reactions...maybe they've had issues with her before making poor choices and this is the only way they can think of to help her grow up? I know she wants nursing school you said, but maybe they don't think she is mature enough yet?

OP - good luck with everything. It sounds like you only want to do the right thing for your son - I agree with everyone's advice re: a lawyer though. it sounds like this is the best way to make sure that your child has all of his bases covered from a legal perspective here!

 

[MizTink]

As long as the girl is living at home, locked away in her bedroom, then the truth might not come out.

yeah, but unfortunately for them i'm involved now.
and things are really starting to fall into place already......

 

[SereneOne]

Until the child is born, the OP's son is not the father. There is no child yet, legally, therefore he isn't the father. Once the baby is born, he can file to establish paternity, set up custody and visitation, and child support. Once he is established as the legal father, the girl's family can do nothing to keep him away from his child. Until the girl turns 18, her family can keep the boy and girl apart. Even once the baby is born, they can keep the two apart until the girl turns 18.

If the girl decides to go in the military, as the other legal parent of the child, he will be first in line to get custody of his child. And don't forget, if the girl doesn't agree to go in the military, her family can't put her in the military.

BTW, she cannot just place the child for adoption. The father would have to agree with this.

THis is right on the money! I do strongly suggest that you and your son talk to an attorney so that you know best how to go about any of this according to the laws of your state.

God bless you and your family, this is a very trying time and you are handling it as well as can be expected.

 

["Got Disney"]

Every once in awhile my 12 y.o goes ballistic. Yup he does. Today he did not get his way, and was making all kinds of demands. It all started with a lump/swelling at the bottom of his foot that has been there for about 2 weeks.

Sometimes it hurts and he needs a note to get out of P.E and on other days it's fine. It is a longer story but one thing escalating into another and Dh had had enough and smacked him on his butt.....we never hit them and always follow through on our discipline. This set him off since he does not get hit except maybe for a few times his whole life. This happened by the way while getting ready to leave for school when getting his sneakers on.

DS new this and since it got to the point of the Comp being taken away for a week he just lost it. This has happened a few times but not many.

He is in his room and he has thrown everything everywhere. Bed on the floor, riped some books up, posters ripped off the wall. And man is he mad....I mean mad.....he hit me in the arm when I went in and I went through the motions about that and left his room.....Good grief.

He has had a few before and after about 2 hrs he comes back to earth and we talk it through.

being a Nurse I get that his brain is rewiring and his frontal load is not fully developed yet and that is where his common sense and judgement comes from. Also that his brain is jello. So this is taken into consideration. Not to mention the hormones

My friends have told me of their stories with their tweens and teens ....by the way my 15 y.o was the same way at 13 and he is great now

so does your tween have crazy melt downs....I mean were talking tantrum here..
by the way he is a good kid and no trouble at school except for a few stupid things like chewing gum at school and getting in trouble for that. He is well liked bu his friends and teachers and gets good grades in school. Also very behaved at home.

 

[Trish Bessette]

[QUOTE="Got Disney";31836000]Every once in awhile my 12 y.o goes ballistic. Yup he does. Today he did not get his way, and was making all kinds of demands. It all started with a lump/swelling at the bottom of his foot that has been there for about 2 weeks.

Sometimes it hurts and he needs a note to get out of P.E and on other days it's fine. It is a longer story but one thing escalating into another and Dh had had enough and smacked him on his butt.....we never hit them and always follow through on our discipline. This set him off since he does not get hit except maybe for a few times his whole life. This happened by the way while getting ready to leave for school when getting his sneakers on.

DS new this and since it got to the point of the Comp being taken away for a week he just lost it. This has happened a few times but not many.

He is in his room and he has thrown everything everywhere. Bed on the floor, riped some books up, posters ripped off the wall. And man is he mad....I mean mad.....he hit me in the arm when I went in and I went through the motions about that and left his room.....Good grief.

He has had a few before and after about 2 hrs he comes back to earth and we talk it through.

being a Nurse I get that his brain is rewiring and his frontal load is not fully developed yet and that is where his common sense and judgement comes from. Also that his brain is jello. So this is taken into consideration.

My friends have told me of their stories with their tweens and teens ....by the way my 15 y.o was the same way at 13 and he is great now

so does your tween have crazy melt downs....I mean were talking major tantrum here.....if my other son had not gone through this also and turned out okay I would be very worried about anger management....

by the way he is a good kid and no trouble at school except for a few stupid things like chewing gum at school and getting in trouble for that.[/QUOTE]

Wow I don't know if it is that I have girls or what but I have never experience my girls having any sort of melt down. My girls are soon to be 13 & 16.

 

["Got Disney"]

Wow I don't know if it is that I have girls or what but I have never experience my girls having any sort of melt down. My girls are soon to be 13 & 16.

I was making a new thread and how it ended up in here I have no clue......look for this thread on the CB
not just that but was making the post right after and made it really sound worse than what it was.....

 

[babytrees]

OP-I have nothing but to give. But I do want to thank you...I keep an open line of communication up with my 17 year old but this was a reminder to tell/remind her that she can come to me if something like this were to ever come about. As I told her last night....Blessings come along whether you expect them to or not.

 

[sbell111]

she will be 18 in february. she knows she has options to get out of her parents house if she needs or wants to. but she has 2 younger brothers she doesn't want to leave......

So she was 16 when the baby was conceived. Neither child broke a law. They are only guilty of being dumb kids.

A few posters in this thread perhaps should consider apologizing for some of their posts.

 

[KimD]

yeah,i tried that......
i think she's afraid we are trying to take her daughter away.
actually i'm sure of it. gf's mom has already yelled at gf and said something about my son taking her away from her. moron.....

Woo Boy do I know what you're going thru. My DS's GF's dad was very much the same way (although he's a very involved, loving father and she is not abused in any way shape or form...princess-esk is more like what it is). But his initial reaction was rage, anger, telling her he would 'take care of it himself' all kinds of goofy & down right mean things were said. He also said to her that he couldn't believe she was choosing HIM (my DS) over her own family. She in turn told him that HE was the one pushing her out and she is choosing her children & to be with the person she loves and wants and needs him in her life. That if he kept it up it would be him that pushed her away...not her walking away. Well...time healed that wound and now he's being very supportive. It was a HUGE 180 from where he was but it took a while and honestly it does sound like your son's GF is in quite a different dynamic.

I hope her mom sees that this isn't about her, once that happens maybe, just maybe they will relax a bit.

I know that if things were going the way they were going in your situation I would take the others advise and at least go talk to someone so you do know your rights and what actions need to be taken so they don't try to force your son out of his child's life.

Again, more .

Take care and good luck!

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

Just wondering if OP's DS & his girlfriend have had a sit down talk about how they are going to raise the baby, emotionally and financially. Has adoption even been discussed??

I know women who were teenaged moms who chose to keep their baby, and I know moms that have adopted babies that were given up by a teenaged mom. I have no opinion on which is the right case for any other family besides my own, I just want to make sure OP's DS & girlfriend know that adoption is an alternative.

A father at barely 16, a mother at 17, unsupportive parents on the girlfriends part. That's a lot to deal with.

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that adoption should be brought up to both kids as a viable option. Not something that they HAVE to do, but as a possibility. Not many people do it now, and among teens the concept tends to be thought of as abandonment, so it is something that young parents may be censured for by their peers. However, older and wiser heads know that is it NOT heartless abandonment, and they should consider it along with every other option that they take into account.

Now then, having said that, my guess is that the Army thing is twofold. One, if they want her to give the child up for adoption, it will get her away from home right afterward and put her into a totally overwhelming environment, which they may think will be sufficient to distract her beyond any possible period in which it might be possible to change her mind. Second possiblity (and I think that this is the more likely one) is that it is about money, specifically money for college. Babies are expensive, and if they want custody they are going to need to free up money for that (I'm guessing that they realize that they are not likely to get a whole lot of $ support out of a 15 yo father for awhile.) Prior military service by the student is one of the very few allowed conditions that exempts a student's parents from having to declare their income and contribute to college expenses if that student is less than 24 years old. If she has been married or is a vet when she starts college, she is on her own financially, and she would be able to get more loans and grants that she otherwise would not be eligible for. (Having her own legal dependent would also be a qualifying condition, but only if she provided more than half of the child's support. They probably think that she would not likely be able to do that.)

FWIW, the military trains med techs, so they may also be thinking of eliminating college costs entirely, if they are the kind of people who consider most hospital support roles to be interchangeable.

 

[MizTink]

So she was 16 when the baby was conceived. Neither child broke a law. They are only guilty of being dumb kids.

A few posters in this thread perhaps should consider appologizing for some of their posts.

nope...
the resource officer said that the age for consent in florida is 16. my son was 15 and she was 16 when the baby was conceived. ridiculous

but i do agree about those apologies
stupid kids are not criminals......

 

[luvsJack]

I think that adoption should be brought up to both kids as a viable option. Not something that they HAVE to do, but as a possibility. Not many people do it now, and among teens the concept tends to be thought of as abandonment, so it is something that young parents may be censured for by their peers. However, older and wiser heads know that is it NOT heartless abandonment, and they should consider it along with every other option that they take into account.

Now then, having said that, my guess is that the Army thing is twofold. One, if they want her to give the child up for adoption, it will get her away from home right afterward and put her into a totally overwhelming environment, which they may think will be sufficient to distract her beyond any possible period in which it might be possible to change her mind. Second possiblity (and I think that this is the more likely one) is that it is about money, specifically money for college. Babies are expensive, and if they want custody they are going to need to free up money for that (I'm guessing that they realize that they are not likely to get a whole lot of $ support out of a 15 yo father for awhile.) Prior military service by the student is one of the very few allowed conditions that exempts a student's parents from having to declare their income and contribute to college expenses if that student is less than 24 years old. If she has been married or is a vet when she starts college, she is on her own financially, and she would be able to get more loans and grants that she otherwise would not be eligible for. (Having her own legal dependent would also be a qualifying condition, but only if she provided more than half of the child's support. They probably think that she would not likely be able to do that.)

FWIW, the military trains med techs, so they may also be thinking of eliminating college costs entirely, if they are the kind of people who consider most hospital support roles to be interchangeable.

Having a child does the same thing. Its being a ward of the court, having a child, being married or active military service. And even then there are stipulations. We have several young soldiers as students, they are not all considered independent.

 

[LuvOrlando]

that's what scares me. i know the step dad is a drinker. and i believe he has hit the kids. she has told my son things in confidence that he in turn told me. i'm torn as to what to do about it.
on the other hand i don't live in their house to see things for myself so i can't be too sure....
i do think that being with my son and seeing how our family is has opened her eyes to what a real family is all about.

i also told my son that although she wants to be home to "stick up" for her brothers in arguments (as she put it), it's not the best place for her to be. and DEFINITELY not the place for his baby to be raised.

I would type up a short anonymous letter and mail it to Child services about suspicions... but don't be too detailed or they'll know its you. I would think the mention of a pregnant 16 year old in the home of an alcoholic who is suspicious would do the trick to get eyes in on the home. Once they are under the microscope if there is any trouble there it will show itself.

Two sentences tops and be very vague.

If she goes into the military who do you think will get the baby?

 

[MizTink]

I would type up a short anonymous letter and mail it to Child services about suspicions... but don't be too detailed or they'll know its you. I would think the mention of a pregnant 16 year old in the home of an alcoholic who is suspicious would do the trick to get eyes in on the home. Once they are under the microscope if there is any trouble there it will show itself.

Two sentences tops and be very vague.

If she goes into the military who do you think will get the baby?

she has no intentions of joining the military. but if she did i would think that the father would get custody

 

[The Mystery Machine]

she has no intentions of joining the military. but if she did i would think that the father would get custody

You would think that however if the parents are able to keep your son apart from the child then they can prove they are primary caregivers they may try to get full custody.

Whether they get it or not would remain to be seen, however this is something that should be on your list in the realm of possibility.

I am sure things will work themselves out. It is just probably going to be a emotionally charged process for you guys. Hang in there.

 

[rie'smom]

If my daughter got pregnant ( she's 15 and I hope that I won't have this problem), she would have 2 choices- abortion or adoption. I was a mom at 17 and I would not want that for her. My son is an absolute joy. That doesn't mitigate the burdens that I had as a child with a child.

Our neighbor had 2 daughters who both got pregnant. 1 placed her baby for adoption. She then finished high school, went to college and has had a very successful life, is married now and has 3 children and a happy marriage.

Her sister, who is like a daughter to me, kept her child. She did finish college but because of the responsibilities of a child, she could not pursue her dream of becoming a doctor. The father whom she was living with, cheated on her and ended up marrying someone else-a good thing because he was a *******. She is a wonderful mother. Men she has dated are turned off by the fact that she has a child. Her decision to keep her child has limited her life choices.

Many times, the girls are so excited with the showers and when the baby is born. Then, they get bored. You cannot get bored if you have the responsibility of a little life in your hands
Girls, when they get pregnant are often dreaming about the happy life that a baby will bring. Babies do bring happiness there is no doubt but too often the girls are so ignorant of the responsibilities and life changes that a baby will bring. It is important, I think, to inform them in an honest way of how their lives will change. Only then can they make a good decision.

From what I have seen, in a majority of cases, the child, if the mother decides not to have an abortion, would benefit more from being placed with a loving family.