Planning with first timer friends--FRUSTRATED!

[quandrea]

It can be an uncomfortable conversation, but a very necessary one. Our trips include dining, a lot of dining. WE are used to Disney costs, and tried to make our friend aware of them so she could plan. We gave up trying to discuss Disney planning, she said she could not "focus" on it. She reneged on every aspect of the financial commitments she made, so we picked those up, but not even enough money for her share of the tips and beverages? $300.00 for the three of them for a week.

The OP's predicament seems to be similar to the one we were in, and while we all make our own choices in how we handle awkward circumstances, it seems to me that unless the OP is prepared to take on the costs that may go unpaid, she better have the conversation prior to leaving. We knew ahead of time that we were paying for the majority of that trip, and we did it for the girls, but we made that decision as it became clear that Mom was just out of touch with this.

I don't think finances will be an issue. They are staying in the villa as my guests. We are booked on dvc points. I know air is done. I know passes are done. I will not book any ADR that requires prepayment, as I'm not taking on that cost. I wouldn't presume to spend her money without her Express say so.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't think finances will be an issue. They are staying in the villa as my guests. We are booked on dvc points. I know air is done. I know passes are done. I will not book any ADR that requires prepayment, as I'm not taking on that cost. I wouldn't presume to spend her money without her Express say so.

We paid resort rooms all of us, the ddp for all, park tickets, and for most of us air. My son paid for their own air and dining and ticket, but we paid all upgrades. She was responsible for her own alcohol and tips. That's it. She is still whining that she paid 700 on tips. No. She paid that for her share of tips, shopping and alcohol because my dd put her foot down and made her pay that as we got our bill.

This was club level at the Grand for all of us. We were not mad that we chose to just pick up her bill, even though she committed to a share that changed as time went on. We were upset that she could not focus long enough for us to at least discuss what obligations she would encounter upon arrival.


You friend may have the money, but if she cannot take time to discuss planning, you may find that you are in the same boat we found ourselves in and that is not a great way to vacation. When my daughter told me the mom had $300 for the week I almost fainted. I guess she had a paycheck deposited while we were there, but there had been no attempt to plan, prepare or save.

We did not let this impact our friendship because we saw it coming, but my son and daughter were not happy.

 

[Verstehen]

So she wants the ability to "approve" your plans, but she doesn't have the time to sit down with you and discuss this?

Nuh-uh. I'll echo what others have said. Make your plans and she's free to go along with them or not. If she's willing to let go of her control for a few days and cede to someone with more experience than her, I bet she'll have a great time. I'm usually the one who plans my family's Disney trips and they've learned to just let me figure things out. But like, when I went to Vegas last year, my brother in law's girlfriend planned everything because she is a Vegas expert. It was so nice to be on a vacation where I didn't have to constantly check an itinerary and lead everyone around. I wish your friend could see it that way too. But as hard is it might be, I'd resolve yourself to plan what you think is best and if she isn't willing to go along with it, that's her problem and she can do what she pleases. Just because you're traveling together does not mean you have to do everything together.

 

[Moushe]

For my son's 3rd birthday trip we went with the entire extended family.

I knew my parents would just go along with whatever I planned. My sister and her dh are passholders and go all the time, but their touring strategy was very laid back, decide that morning which park, no ADRs, etc. however they also didn't have kids at the time so they were used to it being just adults.

This trip we were going with my 3yo and 1yo so I knew extensive planning was necessary. I planned the trip way ahead of time, figured out which parks on which days and created touring plans for each day noting which FP we would try to get. I also made all the ADRs for our entire group (we were going character meal heavy this trip).

I showed them what I had planned and told them they were free to veer off on their own at any point. Luckily they are pretty easy going and were ok with the plans I made. We ended up having a great time and they even thanked me for planning the whole thing!

I think you should ask her one more time to meet, if she wont set a date then go ahead and plan the trip that you and your kids want and assume they are going to go along with it. If she decides there is something she doesn't like she can just change plans for her and dd. But at least you and your kids are covered.

 

[Lothlórien]

Flights are often cheapest 2-3 months before travel, fyi.

Not at all true. It depends on the airport, airline and destination.

 

[robinb]

Not stressing about it. Replying to people who are kind enough to give their thoughts. Just thought I was being respectful of other people's time and thoughts.

I'm glad you're not stressing! You don't need that in your life .

It does sound like there are a couple of things going on here. One, she's OCD and feels that she needs to be in control of every situation. She's afraid of buffets because of germs. She wants to have input, but she doesn't have enough time to dedicate to make it perfect. Two, she doesn't understand that the 180 day reservation window is actually a necessity for some hard-to-get reservations and she thinks you're just being "Chicken Little". (FTR, I do too a little. The only time I make 180-day reservations is for NYE but then again I don't make many ADRs to begin with.)

The good news is that you have airfare, the villa and park passes.

My advise remains the same. Make your own plans and include them in your nose count. Talk to her in July and make adjustments if possible. I might overbook, but I would cut back to ONE ADR per day. Bring along a MesaBoy's FP+ from here: https://www.disboards.com/threads/fastpass-frequently-asked-questions.3491680/#post-55337506 and feel her out on what kind of rides she likes. She also won't understand why you need to plan which rides you want to go on 60 days in advance either.

Good luck!

 

[TJDisneymama]

It's 11 hours and 4 pages later and you're still stressing about this? The friend's mom probably thinks you are insane to want to plan everything 6 months in advance. She doesn't understand why you are so insistent and it's simply not a priority for her. I would make your own plans for your family *and* their family at your 180 window without bothering them further. Then, when they get around to talking to you about the vacation you can move things around where you can but at least you will at least have something in place. ?).

I agree, to people who aren't "in the know" with all things Disney, the thought of planning your days and meals 6 months in advance is crazy-talk. You already told her that it's important and she doesn't care enough to think about it at this point in time. At that point, I wouldn't have given this issue another thought if I were you, I would have told her once that we need to get together to make plans and then left it up to her. If she doesn't initiate that she wants to give some input, then I would just proceed to make the plans myself (and like PP said, over plan so you have some options when she finally does want to give her input). If she decides she wants to have a say several months down the road, I'd look into it and see if any of her requests are feasible at that point. If they're not, then too bad for her.

 

[Lothlórien]

I don't think finances will be an issue. They are staying in the villa as my guests. We are booked on dvc points. I know air is done. I know passes are done. I will not book any ADR that requires prepayment, as I'm not taking on that cost. I wouldn't presume to spend her money without her Express say so.

The more I read your replies, the more I see too much drama and an unhappy ending.

I might have missed something, but what I gather is....

• She is afraid to go alone so she asked you to go along as a traveling companion because of her fear, not really as friends hanging out.
• You offered up your DVC to her for free, so of course she jumped on it.
• She wants complete control over what you do, eat, ride, see, etc, but you are the one doing all of the planning.
• She and her daughter are too overwhelmed to give you any time, so your planning and vacation will be affected due to her lack of availability.
• She does not understand how planning a Disney vacation can be and so she takes a lackadaisical approach to it.

To me, all of that reads as you are being taken advantage for a room and some kind of strange comfort. I do not know what kind of security she is expecting from you. ?? Are you an Air Marshall and she expects you to keep her safe on the plane?

I know you do not want your daughter to lose her best friend, but I think you should really reconsider. I do not see this ending well and possibly severed friendships when it is over anyhow.
I am also concerned that when it is all over, you are going to go home and say you did not have a good time which will also impact your daughter.

I am all for being flexible and not having to be in total control, but I am not down with an unpleasant vacation because my traveling companion and I are total opposites.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am coming from the position of somebody who traveled with a friend before. We are no longer friends, unfortunately. She is as much of a Disney nut as I am. The first time we traveled together it was just the two of us. We stayed where she wanted to stay, ate where she wanted to eat, rode what she wanted to ride (paper fastpasses then), got up when she wanted to get up, went back to the hotel when she wanted to go back, met the characters she wanted to meet, etc and when we got home we were still friends. She talked about that trip for about 6 months afterwards.

We went together again 2 years later, but this trip included my sister and my daughter. The friend was not a part of the initial planning. What we planned revolved around my daughter and sister (first-timer). We were flexible, but my daughter was my primary concern as she was young and small. I wanted my sister to have fun because this was her first go at a Disney park. We were there 10 days. The friend was mad at me for about 7 or 8 of them. She did not say a word to me the last 2 days. She did her own thing those 2 days. It seems when she split off with my sister for a while while I was with my daughter, she let it politely be known that she did not like the way I "do Disney". What she really meant is we had fun the first time because I did everything she wanted and she was not having fun the 2nd time because she lost all of the control. She was happy to stay at a Deluxe resort for no charge (minus the $25 a night for the extra adult). She was happy to get the Photopass CD for no charge. She was happy to take advantage of the free dining we were offered. She just did not like that she did not have total control over the 10 days.

Please, please think about this heavily before you are completely locked in. It would be much better for you to back out now if you have any hesitation and go with just your daughter and have a good time rather than go and have the kids come back with a damaged friendship.

 

[Verstehen]

The more I read your replies, the more I see too much drama and an unhappy ending.

I might have missed something, but what I gather is....

• She is afraid to go alone so she asked you to go along as a traveling companion because of her fear, not really as friends hanging out.
• You offered up your DVC to her for free, so of course she jumped on it.
• She wants complete control over what you do, eat, ride, see, etc, but you are the one doing all of the planning.
• She and her daughter are too overwhelmed to give you any time, so your planning and vacation will be affected due to her lack of availability.
• She does not understand how planning a Disney vacation can be and so she takes a lackadaisical approach to it.

To me, all of that reads as you are being taken advantage for a room and some kind of strange comfort. I do not know what kind of security she is expecting from you. ?? Are you an Air Marshall and she expects you to keep her safe on the plane?

Yeah when someone lets me stay with them for free, I'm too grateful to argue with them about plans. I do not like that she is expecting you to allow her to veto plans when she's basically going for an enormous discount at your expense. I'm curious, is she your friend outside of your daughters' friendship? Like do you hang out just the two of you?

 

[ShellieMimi]

Yeah when someone lets me stay with them for free, I'm too grateful to argue with them about plans. I do not like that she is expecting you to allow her to veto plans when she's basically going for an enormous discount at your expense. I'm curious, is she your friend outside of your daughters' friendship? Like do you hang out just the two of you?

If I were the OP I would have invited the daughter along with my family and left the mother at home, but it's too late for that now.

 

[Verstehen]

If I were the OP I would have invited the daughter along with my family and left the mother at home, but it's too late for that now.

Me too. That's why I think the next best thing is just to say, "Hey, I made these plans. You're free to look them over but I think we're going to have a great time with these. You're welcome to join us for any of these meals etc, but no hard feelings if you ever want to do your own thing." The literal worst that can happen is that she pulls out of the trip, in which case I think her daughter will know it was for a dumb reason.

 

[Moushe]

Also, after you make the ADRs and show her what you reserved, you may want to give her an idea of the cost per meal. Especially for the character meals. then she can decide if she can afford it or not.

 

[quandrea]

I'm glad you're not stressing! You don't need that in your life .

It does sound like there are a couple of things going on here. One, she's OCD and feels that she needs to be in control of every situation. She's afraid of buffets because of germs. She wants to have input, but she doesn't have enough time to dedicate to make it perfect. Two, she doesn't understand that the 180 day reservation window is actually a necessity for some hard-to-get reservations and she thinks you're just being "Chicken Little". (FTR, I do too a little. The only time I make 180-day reservations is for NYE but then again I don't make many ADRs to begin with.)

The good news is that you have airfare, the villa and park passes.

My advise remains the same. Make your own plans and include them in your nose count. Talk to her in July and make adjustments if possible. I might overbook, but I would cut back to ONE ADR per day. Bring along a MesaBoy's FP+ from here: https://www.disboards.com/threads/fastpass-frequently-asked-questions.3491680/#post-55337506 and feel her out on what kind of rides she likes. She also won't understand why you need to plan which rides you want to go on 60 days in advance either.

Good luck!

I think you hit the nail on the head with the OCD. Until you start planning something like this, you don't truly see a person's quirks. Every step in planning is drama filled.

Yeah when someone lets me stay with them for free, I'm too grateful to argue with them about plans. I do not like that she is expecting you to allow her to veto plans when she's basically going for an enormous discount at your expense. I'm curious, is she your friend outside of your daughters' friendship? Like do you hang out just the two of you?

Yes we do hang out separate from our daughters.

If I were the OP I would have invited the daughter along with my family and left the mother at home, but it's too late for that now.

Mom would never have allowed this. She is very overprotective. I've always known this so no surprises there. Won't even let her daughter use a public restroom alone at thirteen. I don't let it impact how I parent my daughter when we are together.

 

[Verstehen]

Mom would never have allowed this. She is very overprotective. I've always known this so no surprises there. Won't even let her daughter use a public restroom alone at thirteen. I don't let it impact how I parent my daughter when we are together.

Oh bless you for agreeing to go with her at all. That sounds like a nightmare to deal with. Honestly, I would resolve yourself now to doing what you and your daughter want. You may also have to prepare your daughter to manage her expectations as to how much fun she'll really have with this lunatic following you around and being overbearing on her friend.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am coming from the position of somebody who traveled with a friend before. We are no longer friends, unfortunately. She is as much of a Disney nut as I am. The first time we traveled together it was just the two of us. We stayed where she wanted to stay, ate where she wanted to eat, rode what she wanted to ride (paper fastpasses then), got up when she wanted to get up, went back to the hotel when she wanted to go back, met the characters she wanted to meet, etc and when we got home we were still friends. She talked about that trip for about 6 months afterwards.

We went together again 2 years later, but this trip included my sister and my daughter. The friend was not a part of the initial planning. What we planned revolved around my daughter and sister (first-timer). We were flexible, but my daughter was my primary concern as she was young and small. I wanted my sister to have fun because this was her first go at a Disney park. We were there 10 days. The friend was mad at me for about 7 or 8 of them. She did not say a word to me the last 2 days. She did her own thing those 2 days. It seems when she split off with my sister for a while while I was with my daughter, she let it politely be known that she did not like the way I "do Disney". What she really meant is we had fun the first time because I did everything she wanted and she was not having fun the 2nd time because she lost all of the control. She was happy to stay at the Beach Club for no charge (minus the $25 a night for the extra adult). She was happy to get the Photopass CD for no charge. She was happy to take advantage of the free dining we were offered. She just did not like that she did not have total control over the 10 days.

Please, please think about this heavily before you are completely locked in. It would be much better for you to back out now if you have any hesitation and go with just your daughter and have a good time rather than go and have the kids come back with a damaged friendship.

Honestly though it sounds like the first trip there was no compromise involved. Your friend got to make the decisions and thus was used to that. Second trip she probably expected it to be the same given the first trip and when the control switched to you she took offense to that.

I completely think you guys are not compatible for traveling with Disney given your comments but I honestly have to say part of your issue was how the first trip went down. If you wanted to do some things your way on the first trip you would need to speak up, discuss, come to a compromise that both of you are willing to accept before you embark on the trip. Understand and know if the "way you do Disney" is in complete opposite of each other. It may have ended up where you didn't go with each other or if you did there was some solo time involved. I'm not certain there was communication or at least the right kind of communication when it came to your first trip which dominoed into the second trip. I have to be honest though it sounds like the first trip was for HER and the second trip was for YOU (meaning your family) but both trips should have been for ALL.

 

[Lothlórien]

If I were the OP I would have invited the daughter along with my family and left the mother at home, but it's too late for that now.

If I read correctly earlier on, the "friend" asked the OP to go because she is afraid to travel alone. So either the OP said yes and offered the room and her help, and the "friend" wants control of it all or the "friend" asked the OP to go knowing the OP is a DVC owner and the room would be at no charge.

Perhaps there are parts of the situation missing??

 

[ShellieMimi]

I think you hit the nail on the head with the OCD. Until you start planning something like this, you don't truly see a person's quirks. Every step in planning is drama filled.



Yes we do hang out separate from our daughters.



Mom would never have allowed this. She is very overprotective. I've always known this so no surprises there. Won't even let her daughter use a public restroom alone at thirteen. I don't let it impact how I parent my daughter when we are together.

All I can say is, good luck to you, and to her poor daughter later on in life.

 

[Verstehen]

If I read correctly earlier on, the "friend" asked the OP to go because she is afraid to travel alone. So either the OP said yes and offered the room and her help, and the "friend" wants control of it all or the "friend" asked the OP to go knowing the OP is a DVC owner and the room would be at no charge.

Perhaps there are parts of the situation missing??

Either way, if OP is paying for the room, I feel like that at least gives her the ability to do what SHE wants, and if the friend doesn't approve she can do her own thing. Of course, there's the wrench that if she does that, then she risks their daughters being separated on what is supposed to be their vacation.

 

[quandrea]

If I read correctly earlier on, the "friend" asked the OP to go because she is afraid to travel alone. So either the OP said yes and offered the room and her help, and the "friend" wants control of it all or the "friend" asked the OP to go knowing the OP is a DVC owner and the room would be at no charge.

Perhaps there are parts of the situation missing??

I don't think anything is missing. The driving point for travelling together is for my daughter's friend to have travelling companions in my three kids. They are all close, having grown up together. My children are surrogate siblings. I am more than happy to offer the villa at no charge; we'd be in the same unit regardless.

While surprised by her reluctance to plan, I went in with my eyes wide open to my friend's "quirks." She is a wonderful friend and would take a bullet for me. I want her and her daughter to have a wonderful time. Travelling with them will be challenging, To be sure, but it will be worth the trouble to give her daughter an experience of a lifetime. This will be her only trip. Just hadn't anticipated any stumbles in itinerary planning.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I don't think anything is missing. The driving point for travelling together is for my daughter's friend to have travelling companions in my three kids. They are all close, having grown up together. My children are surrogate siblings. I am more than happy to offer the villa at no charge; we'd be in the same unit regardless.

While surprised by her reluctance to plan, I went in with my eyes wide open to my friend's "quirks." She is a wonderful friend and would take a bullet for me. I want her and her daughter to have a wonderful time. Travelling with them will be challenging, To be sure, but it will be worth the trouble to give her daughter an experience of a lifetime. This will be her only trip. Just hadn't anticipated any stumbles in itinerary planning.

You hadn't expected any stumbles in planning with a friend like that? Ok...

Well, I hope everything turns out for you.

In light of everything you've said, I'd probably make her responsible for all the planning. Then she can't blame anything on you, and she'll get the only thing that will make her happy- complete control. You'd probably have a better trip that way and you can always do it your way next time you use your points. I thought initially you were each responsible for your separate expenses. But given that you've offered the villa, and she took you up on it, on a trip that she asked you along on "for security"...its got disaster written all over it. It isn't about money (Not really) it's about friendship and being an adult. I've had to learn that the hard way.