Overly involved parenting~ How did we get here?

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Growing up, I had strict parents. There were rules that we had to follow. They expected certain behavior from us. They were never all over us about homework, school projects, etc. If we needed supplies or special things to get projects done, my dad would take us to the store, the library (no internet then), etc., to get what we needed. The work was entirely on us. We were good students. They taught us to be independent by allowing us to fail and learn from our mistakes.

I believe that nowadays, many parents are overly involved in their children's lives. I have 3 children: 17, 13 & 11. I don't believe in planning and controlling every aspect of my children's lives. I believe that the more we do for our children, the less they will do for themselves. I have seen this with my own kids. As much as it hurts me, I have to step back and let them make their mistakes. They won't learn any valuable lessons until they hit a few bumps on the road.

I don't believe that being a helicopter parent makes one a better parent nor produces stronger, self-sufficient children. I believe it has the opposite effect on children.

So, what prompts parents to be so controlling and hypervigilant? Is it guilt? Is it love? Is it fear? Are parents afraid to allow their children to make mistakes? Do we believe that our children aren't capable of making the right decisions/choices without our help and guidance every step of the way? What is it?

Opinions?

The world in which our children live today is like no other point in history. The amount of choices, the amount of knowledge, the amount of EVERYTHING is just incredible.

Incredible.

I see my job as a parent as somebody who guides my children. When you were growing up and you had choice A or B, it wasn't a huge deal if your parents weren't in on that decision, most likely.

My kids have choices A to Z, however, and each choice builds on the previous choice. I don't expect a 10 year old or an 8 year old to know how to choose correctly, and some of those choices can have far, far reaching consequences, in my opinion.

Do I do their homework for them? No. Do I sit with them and and make sure they understand how to do it correctly and completely? Yes. Because helping them to create good homework behaviors (expecting that it will be done properly, completely and on time) now will make it easier for them down the road.

I have clear memories of my DH helping his much younger sister with calculus-he and his younger brother (by two years) sat at the table with her for hours that semester any time she called and asked for help. All three of them have masters degrees and more-I don't see that as helicopter anything, I see that as collaborative learning. As long as my kids need me and DH to sit with them at the table with their homework, we'll be there.

With projects, we "blue sky" with them, helping them to refine and process the good ideas they come up with. Do their projects look better than the kids who were left entirely to their own devices? Hell yeah! In ten years, when the girls have been used to blue skying and creating at a high level, will they be creating kick-butt projects because that's all they know and that's what they expect? I think so, it's how it was with DH's family growing up.

I think you mistake being involved with your children with insulating them from the consequences of their mistakes. My belief is that well informed, connected children who communicate strongly with their parents will make fewer mistakes to begin with. The mistakes that are made serve as a tool to learn from. Usually in our family the mistake is its own punishment.

My DD 10 missed straight A's by 1 point in 1 class. She got an 89 in Social Studies. Her reward for straight A's was a gecko. She didn't get the gecko. Did she cry, bargain, etc? Yes. I asked her "could you have gotten that A if you wanted to?" She said yes. I said "Honey, I love you, but a deal is a deal. If you still want the gecko next year, you know you have to make that extra effort to get there."

So her choice not to work on her social studies projects in class like she should have (she admits she goofed off the last month and drew comics instead) resulted in not getting a gecko. I want her to learn lessons like that now (there are consequences for behaviors), and not when she's a teenager and thinks the rules don't apply to her or she can bargain her way out of anything...

 

[Disney Doll]

See bolded

I have a couple of theories.

First I think the media has scared parents to death that their child is in danger every day of being raped, murdered or kidnapped. I agree. The availability of information 24/7/365 has everyone thinking that mayhem is just around the corner.
Second I think parenting has become a contest to see who can be the best parent - and that many people subscribe to the notion that the more protective you are of your child and the more involved you are in their lives, the more you love them and the better parent you are. Again, I agree.
Third I think there is a new generation of parents, especially mothers, who have given up or delayed their careers in order to raise their children. I think these parents have made a new career out of raising their children, and mircomanage their childrens' lives they way they would their jobs. I never thought of this but it is an excellent theory!
I also believe that there is no one right way to raise a child, and that just because someone is over-protective or over-involved, does not automatically mean their children will not turn out o.k. Maybe it is our parents who had it wrong. Not likely.

I also think we will never again see a generation like the post WWII generation in terms of ability to rise above, be self-sufficient and not expect the government to take care of you.

 

[RitaZ.]

Yes, but who decides that a child is special needs? It's one thing if a child is deaf or physically disabled, but there are many conditions that are much more subtle. It took me 10 years to see that the quirky traits that reminded me so much of myself really meant that DS wasn't developing into a "regular" child.

I'm not an expert on children with special needs. All I know is what I've read and what I have seen my friends go through. The most basic thing that we can do as parents is to read books on child development, watch our child's milestones and listen to our gut if any behavior seems unusual. If we notice anything that makes us uneasy, especially from an early age, then seek help from the pediatrician and so on. Moms are usually the first to recognize a problem and bring it up to the pediatrician's attention.

Yes, some problems may be subtle and not as easily recognized. Sometimes it's difficult for the parent to accept that something may be wrong with their child. I can understand how difficult that has to be. We all want a healthy and perfect child. When that doesn't happen, it's like going through a grieving process. My best friend had to deal with this. I knew something was odd about her son's behavior. I believe that she knew something was wrong with her son, but she wasn't ready to face it. She compared her son's progress to mine because they were only 2.5 weeks apart and we always did things together. Her family (her FIL was a doctor) expressed their concerns to her, but it only served to upset her further. Her husband was convinced that their son needed to be disciplined. The day that her son began pre-school at the age of 3, she received a call from the school asking her if he was deaf because he wouldn't acknowledge them when they called his name or tried to get his attention. They helped her to start the process of having her son tested. He was later diagnosed with PDD. He did receive early intervention and has made incredible progress.

 

[gina2000]

I think guidance and nurturing are two of the most important tasks a parent must perform. As I watch my child grow, I see that my guidance (and sometimes interference) has helped him make wiser choices. I'm glad I point out mistaken logic and ineffectual methodology. I'm glad I insist on doing the most and the best he could do at all times. I'm glad I drag him from pillar to post to stimulate and enrich his life. I don't regret it and I don't consider it helicopter parenting. I consider it giving a child opportunities that he/she may not even know exists.

We don't interfere with teachers' decisions and we don't bail him out. But we do make sure that he has the tools to accomplish his goals. He is given the best of both my husband and myself. He deserves that.

My son does and will make mistakes in his life. But I only can hope that our guidance (read interference if you must) will give him a better understanding of our rapidly changing, highly competitive world.

 

[RitaZ.]

I think you mistake being involved with your children with insulating them from the consequences of their mistakes.

Not at all. I believe I used the words overly and hypervigilant to describe the phenomenon.

I'm not talking about setting our children loose without guidance and assistance. Those things that you mentioned in your reply are what I consider part of my job as a parent. I'm talking about the parents that have taken it to another level, one which is completely controlling and hindering to the child. These things are done with the best of intentions, but instead of giving children the confidence to know that they can do it on their own, it has the opposite effect.

As my children grow, my view on parenting changes. Once you are raising older teens, they develop their own plans and ideas; which may or may not coincide with the parent's expectations. That can be a real shock to parents that are used to controlling everything for their children.

 

[allison443]

I think guidance and nurturing are two of the most important tasks a parent must perform. As I watch my child grow, I see that my guidance (and sometimes interference) has helped him make wiser choices. I'm glad I point out mistaken logic and ineffectual methodology. I'm glad I insist on doing the most and the best he could do at all times. I'm glad I drag him from pillar to post to stimulate and enrich his life. I don't regret it and I don't consider it helicopter parenting. I consider it giving a child opportunities that he/she may not even know exists.

We don't interfere with teachers' decisions and we don't bail him out. But we do make sure that he has the tools to accomplish his goals. He is given the best of both my husband and myself. He deserves that.

My son does and will make mistakes in his life. But I only can hope that our guidance (read interference if you must) will give him a better understanding of our rapidly changing, highly competitive world.

Well said!

I would never allow my child to "goof off for an entire year" with the result that they failed 8th grade and had to repeat a year of school, which a prior poster mentioned. I would have imposed consequences of my own way before the year was up. I call that guidance/instilling discipline/teaching priorities. If that makes me an overly involved parent, sign me up.

 

[allison443]

Not at all. I believe I used the words overly and hypervigilant to describe the phenomenon.

I'm not talking about setting our children loose without guidance and assistance. Those things that you mentioned in your reply are what I consider part of my job as a parent. I'm talking about the parents that have taken it to another level, one which is completely controlling and hindering to the child. These things are done with the best of intentions, but instead of giving the children the confidence to know that they can do it on their own, it has the opposite effect.

It sounds like you have particular situations in mind..could you specify what kind of things you are talking about?

 

[RitaZ.]

It sounds like you have particular situations in mind..could you specify what kind of things you are talking about?

Helicopter parents.

 

[allison443]

Helicopter parents.

Oh, I know you meant helicopter parents, you said that in your first post. I was just wondering what you have encountered them doing, kwim? I know of a parent who basically wrote their kid's college application essay. Very sad imo. I also know of parents who get their kids' final grades changed (not for a valid reason either.)

 

[C.Ann]

Well said!

I would never allow my child to "goof off for an entire year" with the result that they failed 8th grade and had to repeat a year of school, which a prior poster mentioned. I would have imposed consequences of my own way before the year was up. I call that guidance/instilling discipline/teaching priorities. If that makes me an overly involved parent, sign me up.

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I was that previous poster - and there were definitely "consequences" all along - throughout the entire year - however, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink".. I'm assuming you have never dealt with very, very strong-willed teenagers in your home?

 

[Robinrs]

I spent 36 years studying two of the best parents in the world, my parents, before becoming one myself.

Unlike my sisters who were still young and rebellious when they had children, they decided to reinvent the wheel with their kids.

I believe you should find what WORKS... and emulate it. Don't try to reinvent the wheel.

My parents, in my eyes, were truly successful, and it showed in the way they were respected and the people they had around them. They put their kids first, doted on us, but NEVER SPOILED us, taught us about God by example, allowed us to choose our lives on our own and first and foremost... loved us unconditionally.

Before they died I was blessed to have my one and only child, my dad was 72 and my Mom was 66 when he was born, and he had them in their lives for 10 years.

I chose to raise my child the same way my Mom did, no helicoptering, no back talking, discipline with love, putting God first and having true respect for your elders and authority, and always knowing that we'll be there when you need us.

People say there is no book on how to raise children. I read that book, in the eyes of my parents. I only pray that I end my life they way they did.

They were involved, but not overly involved, and I don't contemplate on the differences between here and there. The basics are still the same.

 

[allison443]

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I was that previous poster - and there were definitely "consequences" all along - throughout the entire year - however, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink".. I'm assuming you have never dealt with very, very strong-willed teenagers in your home?

C. Ann, I'm sorry if I misunderstood your post, you only mentioned the natural consequence of repeating the grade, not any parental-imposed consequences, and it seemed to me like you were citing this as an example of hands-off parenting. I guess I totally missed the point.
As for very strong-willed teens, I have had two so far (one is no longer a teen, thank goodness! ) so I do know what you are talking about!

 

[Cindyluwho]

I chose to raise my child the same way my Mom did, no helicoptering, no back talking, discipline with love, putting God first and having true respect for your elders and authority, and always knowing that we'll be there when you need us.

ITA (well, except for the religion part) It floors me how many people let their children talk back to them and don't teach them to respect others. My DD is just finishing up her Freshman year of High School. There are parents of her fellow students that still go to the principal several times a month to complain about this or that.

When DD entered into junior high we told her that it would now be her responsibility to take care of school problems herself. If there was a problem with a teacher; go to the teacher, if that doesn't work, talk to the principal. If that doesn't work then, and only then, I'll get involved. She became closer to her teachers and the principal that way and also learned how to take care of problems herself. Her 8th grade teacher accidently put a "C" on her report card, she approached him about it, he looked over his books and fixed it. end of story!!

She knows I'm there for her if she needs me but she also knows that she can take care of most things herself.

 

[bluesaturn]

It's biology. We've changed from R-Selection breeders (have many offspring and hope that a few make it into healthy, successful adults) due to poor resources, lack of healthcare etc. to K-Selection breeders (have few offspring and nuture them fully to ensure they make it into healthy, successful adults) - I'm talking over thousands of years here.

It's natural: if you invest time, money, love, effort etc. into raising an offspring, you don't want that to be 'wasted' in any way. People have these ideals about their child becoming the 'perfect adult' and don't want to have their 'investment' wasted.

It takes a really grounded parent to keep 'dangers' in perspective with regard to their offspring.

I really don't think that explains it. This "change" in parenting everyone is talking about is generally the difference of less than a century, usually less than 50 years. We couldn't have "evolved" in that time.

Also I thought humans were always K-selection breeders. Because we generally only produce one baby at a time, that baby is in utero for so long, and is dependent on the parent for so long after birth.

 

[C.Ann]

C. Ann, I'm sorry if I misunderstood your post, you only mentioned the natural consequence of repeating the grade, not any parental-imposed consequences, and it seemed to me like you were citing this as an example of hands-off parenting. I guess I totally missed the point.
As for very strong-willed teens, I have had two so far (one is no longer a teen, thank goodness! ) so I do know what you are talking about!

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No problem.. I had two like me - and one who wasn't - LOL.. Of course back then there wasn't nearly as many things to "take away" as there are today, so parental-imposed consequences meant little to strong-willed teenagers - LOL..

 

[Topper]

I am involved with my DGD - considering I live in the same household with her 5 months out of the year..

If this is too personal, please forgive me, but where does your DGD go the other 7 months of the year?

 

[C.Ann]

If this is too personal, please forgive me, but where does your DGD go the other 7 months of the year?

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LOL.. "She" doesn't go anywhere - I do.. Sorry.. I live with DD and her family for 5 months or so out of the year - the other 7 months or so I live up in the mountains at my seasonal place on a lake alone..

 

[NAB]

Most of your projects at school at done at school now. Because parents were either doing it for them or putting a lot of input into it.

The person that said an 8 year old can't make something on there own is wrong they just can't make it how you want it. If given the materials they can. They should be able to tell you what is on there minds to make. They study the subject in school so they know what direction it should go.

I am a parent that does not need straight A's either. I was never a straight A student so I don't expect it from them. But saying this I can tell if they are slacking off and not working their hardest. My mind never worked like some kids in school. I would think how do kids come up with the projects they do or ideas when we were in groups. Everyone is different.

And don't get me started on everyone needs a trophy or reward.....so no one gets hurt feelings.

Yes how did our society get here.

 

[Stacerita]

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I was raised with "natural consequences" - and the same applied to my own children.. No hovering, no doing homework for them, no packing their book bags to make sure they had everything they needed, etc.. I failed the 8th grade - because I goofed off all year.. Was I allowed to go to summer school? Nope - had to do the entire year over again.. There was no way my parents were going to let me off the hook by going to summer school for 8 weeks to make up for ignoring my responsibilities all year long.. Many, many years later one of my children did the same thing - and received the same consequence.. If children never make mistakes, how are they to learn anything? Even as adults, we learn from our mistakes..

DD has had to speak to her MIL several times in regards to "hovering" over DGD while she's doing her homework.. MIL is of the mind set that every sheet DGD turns in must be "perfect" - right down to the penmanship.. (She was the same way with DD's DH - an only child - and it definitely had a negative impact on him..) Fortunately, DGD is as smart as a whip - so there's nothing for her to "correct" (to MIL's satisfaction) - but if there was, the teachers have repeatedly stated that parents should NOT instruct the students "what" and "how" to correct those errors - otherwise the teacher has no indication where a students problem areas may lie..

I don't know why others do what they do - all I know is how I was raised, how I raised my own children, and how I am involved with my DGD - considering I live in the same household with her 5 months out of the year..
Everything we do - child or adult - has a "consequence" - either a good one or a bad one - and if we're never left to our own devices, we'll never learn which choices are the right ones and which choices are the wrong ones..

Just my thoughts and opinions..

 

[hereyago]

My DD11 has 3 new "friends" who are between 9-11 who run the streets after 8pm on a school night, their parents don't care. one girl has to repeat a grade last year and another has to partake in summer school.
They talk to their parents as if they are the grown ups. I am quite sure they think I am mean, because if you come to my house after 8pm on a school night, you wil be told to go homebecause my DD isn't going out.
I also don't play a child talking back to me, whethr it is my kid or her friends. It takes a village as the saying says.
Parents want their kids to be their friends and even though no real parent should want to see their child let down or have a rough time, too many parents want them to be shielded from everytning.
My DD does her projects by herself, by honestly, I am not that artistic and I did my time in school and had to do projects by myself.