OT-When did you know you were finished having kids?

[tinkerlisa]

I am 90% sure I dont want any more. We have 2 between each other and 1 from his previous(she is on her own). I always wanted at least 3 but honestly, my sanity can barely handle 2!!! My youngest is only 15 months and my DF is pushing 40 and said he doesn't want to be an "old" dad. So if we did happen to decide it would have to be within the next year or so. I do have to say I feel complete with my 2 boys although it would be nice to have a girl(to break up the testosterone! )

 

[minkydog]

I knew we were done when my DH got a Vas while I was still pregnant with our 4th!!!!

I was not in agreement with the permanent decision at all and at the meeting with the Doc told him that I did not support the surgery. The Doc did it anyway (not sure why I was asked what my feelings were since clearly it didn't matter - I at least wanted to wait until AFTER the baby was born) DH was certain that he did not want any more.

He is a great dad and LOVES our 4 kids but he didn't want more. I did. For years I could not look at a baby because it pained me. Now that my youngest is almost 9 and I am almost 38 I do not want to have any more kids. I feel like now I am finished (well obviously since he had a vas- unless I were to jump the fence but I would never do that) but it took me years to feel that way. Now, I am rather ambivalent about babies now. I really don't want or need a baby fix probably from all the years of avoiding babies and pregnant women. I figure the next time I get excited about babies is when my kids tell me I am going to be a Grandmother!

I know this feeling! DH decided to have a vasectomy after #3 was born,despite the fact that I was against it. I refused to sign papers,didn't matter. The doctor did it anyway I was angry for several YEARS after that and I would have to say, I don't think our love life ever quite recovered.

A lot of people will not understand this, but I really wanted another child. My last one was born with multiple disabilities, including vision & hearing impairment, and severe brain damage which causes autism and seizures. As crazy as it sounds, I felt like I didn't "finish right".

DH is certainly entitled to his feelings, too--he did not feel up to doing this again. He felt strongly that he could not manage it if we had yet another handicapped child (we were both in our 40s) I felt strongly that if we had survived the severity of this one, we could survive just about anything. In the end, DH had the vas and I went into a deep depression for almost 3 years

Now I'm 52 and things are better. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, at least for the older two kids (22 & 15). DS13 will probably be with us at least a few more years, as long as my back holds out. I still wish we had one more, but I learned to let it go.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I knew we were done when my DH got a Vas while I was still pregnant with our 4th!!!!

I was not in agreement with the permanent decision at all and at the meeting with the Doc told him that I did not support the surgery. The Doc did it anyway (not sure why I was asked what my feelings were since clearly it didn't matter - I at least wanted to wait until AFTER the baby was born) DH was certain that he did not want any more.

I'm very surprised that the doctor vent ahead with the vasectomy. I had to sign papers so my DH could have his done (which we were in agreement about, due to my doctor recommending that we not have any more children). But they specifically told him when he made the appointment and when we arrived in the office, that if I didn't sign the papers, they would not perform his vasectomy.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

As I recall, I also had to sign off on DH's vacetomy. But for us it was a mutual decision.

 

[julezdisney]

I think like others have said, you'll just know. DS is my DH's son from prev. girlfriend, and our DD is 5 yrs and 5 mos. I had my tubal last July, 2 mos after her 4th birthday. I hated being pregnant, she had colic for the first 6 weeks straight, and she is a very difficult child. I wouldn't trade her for the world of course, but just knew I had my hands full with her and that, financially, we wanted to build a certain lifestyle for all of us. We're very happy with the decision. We simply joke every now and than that it would be nice to adopt a 3rd- if we ever win the lottery and are able to hire a nanny!

 

[FoundMyPrince]

I knew I was done after DS. The kids were great, life is built for families of four. Then, we found out we were having another DD . I knew I was done from the start. It was a rough pregnancy, and a horrible delivery. I told my DH during the delivery, "I NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!". It was awful.

I think you just know when you know (I know - that's clear as mud). I've never had that "want to have another one" feeling by holding another baby, looking at baby clothes, seeing families with four children, etc. I loved being pregnant with our first two children and I love my three children we have. I just don't want anymore. I just don't want to go back to the stage of waking up in the middle of the night for feedings, changing little diapers, teething, etc! We're ready to move on to bigger and brighter challenges!

 

[december]

OP, just don't do anything permanent for awhile!

Growing up, I always wanted alot of kids. I was the one toting the babies around church, volunteering for the nursery, whatever I could do to be around babies. I was star student, national merit scholar, etc. But when people asked me what I was going to do when I grew up, I'd say I was getting married and having kids! Dh and I have been together for over 20 yrs, since 9th grade, and he was always luke warm about kids. Not really a big deal either way. UNTIL I got pregnant! Then he turned into super-dad! I begged to have ds11, but he was the one begging for dd(almost 9). They are 28 mos apart. I had one of each, and I was finished. Dh has been trying to change my mind for 9 yrs.

This summer, at age 35, it finally hit me that it is now or never. My clock was ticking. So I agreed to try, and just like in my 20s it was way too easy for me to get pregnant! I had my 1st ultrasound today, and seeing that little blob bouncing and hearing the heartbeat made me cry. I'm so happy we decided to try for one more. And my kids are excited, too.

We are finished this time. We'll be 36 and 37 at delivery, and my kids will be 9 and almost 12. I plan to get a tubal. But I'm glad I didn't shut dh down on his wishes. I don't think any couple is finished until BOTH feel finished. I'm sad for those of you whose dh's didn't see things that way.

 

[ptmmg]

Your story could be mine except for the merit scholar LOL

anyway my first 2, a girl and a boy are 30 months apart I always felt that somebody was missing but I listened to everyone that we had the "perfect family" But once I turned 35 I heard that clock my kids were ages 12 and 9 and figured why not we would try for a few months and see what happens ( I wasnt going to go to extremes with fertility stuff) I got pg the first month!!! People then thought we were done but I figured there was such a huge age difference that the 3rd would be like an only child so when my third was 23 months we had #4!!!! people thought we were crazy!

I knew when I was pg with #4 I was done I never had that feeling before but I just knew I had a tubal after my c/s at age 39.

I am so glad I never listened to others and went with my heart

now my kids are dd 18 freshman in college
ds 15 sophmore in hs
dd 6 1st grade
ds 4 preschool
yes I am busy doing it all as I say but I wouldnt change a thing!

OP, just don't do anything permanent for awhile!

Growing up, I always wanted alot of kids. I was the one toting the babies around church, volunteering for the nursery, whatever I could do to be around babies. I was star student, national merit scholar, etc. But when people asked me what I was going to do when I grew up, I'd say I was getting married and having kids! Dh and I have been together for over 20 yrs, since 9th grade, and he was always luke warm about kids. Not really a big deal either way. UNTIL I got pregnant! Then he turned into super-dad! I begged to have ds11, but he was the one begging for dd(almost 9). They are 28 mos apart. I had one of each, and I was finished. Dh has been trying to change my mind for 9 yrs.

This summer, at age 35, it finally hit me that it is now or never. My clock was ticking. So I agreed to try, and just like in my 20s it was way too easy for me to get pregnant! I had my 1st ultrasound today, and seeing that little blob bouncing and hearing the heartbeat made me cry. I'm so happy we decided to try for one more. And my kids are excited, too.

We are finished this time. We'll be 36 and 37 at delivery, and my kids will be 9 and almost 12. I plan to get a tubal. But I'm glad I didn't shut dh down on his wishes. I don't think any couple is finished until BOTH feel finished. I'm sad for those of you whose dh's didn't see things that way.

 

[DisneyAprilFool]

See- I'm on a Babymoon right now. I LOVE having my two month old. I love snuggling him. I love everything about him- even when he vomits over my shoulder or when another diaper explodes. I don't care- I love him so very much!

BUT we now have 4 kids- my eldest is my stepson- he's with us 99 percent of the time, my daughter, and then my husband and mine's three year old and our two month old. That's a LOT of kids! I had said this past pregnancy I was done-done-done... NOW... I'm really not so sure. I actually cried on the way home from the hospital thinking that this was it- no more... Never again.

So my decision is to get the Mirena- wait two years- and then re-evaluate things. I know I love having my older kids- we can do so much together! BUT then again... I sure love babies...

Hard decision to make! Good luck, OP!

 

[kim929]

I had my tubes tied after my 4th (complete surprise) I always kind of regretted it. I always thought if we could afford it I would love to have the process reversed. Then I found out I was going to be a grandmother at age 43 that was when I knew for sure I would never have anymore of my own.

 

[Elmo888]

In summary, there are three ways to know that you are done...
1) You decide that you are done.
2) Your DH decides that you are done.
3) Your doctor tells you that you are done.

If any one of those are true, then you are done.

My case was option #3. We were thinking about baby #3, but my doctor, ever with the old school manners, subtley indicated that we were crazy to have #2.

And I completely agree with the poster who said that if you get that twinge when a friend tells you that she's pregnant, then you aren't done (or at least it wasn't your decision to be done). A friend told me that she was pregnant with #3, and I am a bit jealous. If, on the other hand, when a friend tells you that she is pregnant and your insides scream "Better you than me!", you are probably done.

DH was 41 when the second was born. I wouldn't sweat his age too much, esp. if he is in his forties. It is really your age that matters. And I had the "35 or bust" mentality until I approached 35. And then it was "35 is okay, 37 is okay since it is still mid-thirties, but not 39 or 40", et.. It is all relative!

I'm enjoying reading everyone's decision making process. I know that I'm not the only one that had to decide that we were done for medical reasons, but I feel better reading about others' who were in similar situation.

 

[DVCsince02]

I find this a very timely subject. We just had our 3rd child almost 4 weeks ago. Before I got pregnant with him, my DH and I were discussing whether or not to have a 3rd. We already have 2 beautiful, healthy, smart children, so why tempt fate. Well by the end of our conversation I started to cry at the thought of being done and that's when I knew I wanted a 3rd.

Now that we have the 3rd (also beautiful and healthy) I can't decide if I'm done yet. I long for another girl but I know there are no guarantees in life. My DH will go along with what ever I decide. So I've decided to wait to decide. We are going on 2 cruises next year and I want to enjoy those vacations and not be pregnant.

Only time will tell if I'm done.

 

[december]

35 or over (I'm 35 ) for the mother is considered AMA (advanced maternal age). If the father is over 50 (according to my baby book) there are increased concerns for problems with the baby. So you have a several years to decide, OP.

 

[Honeymooner04]

I have found this to be a very interesting post as I'm trying to decide if we should have another baby (our second). I have a thought that I'd like to ask the women on here but I'm afraid it might come across in a way other than I intended. So, I'll preface my question by saying I don't judge anyone for their reasons they choose or don't choose to have more kids I'm just wondering for my own decision making. So here it is, no flames please. Is the feeling that "you're done" having kids come from the fact that you couldn't handle anymore versus a feeling that your family is just complete? I mean is the work just so much that you feel you couldn't manage?

Like I said, we're currently trying to decide whether or not to have another. This discussion has been really helpful for me. So thanks to the OP!

 

[princess&her4princes]

I find this a very timely subject. We just had our 3rd child almost 4 weeks ago. Before I got pregnant with him, my DH and I were discussing whether or not to have a 3rd. We already have 2 beautiful, healthy, smart children, so why tempt fate. Well by the end of our conversation I started to cry at the thought of being done and that's when I knew I wanted a 3rd.

Now that we have the 3rd (also beautiful and healthy) I can't decide if I'm done yet. I long for another girl but I know there are no guarantees in life. My DH will go along with what ever I decide. So I've decided to wait to decide. We are going on 2 cruises next year and I want to enjoy those vacations and not be pregnant.

Only time will tell if I'm done.

Your first paragraph was me last year!!! We were going back and forth on #3 and I was hysterical thinking about being done and getting rid of all of our baby things...but now, I know I"m done....somedays I think I have more than I can handle...lol! You need to know your limits and I"ve met mine...three little boys is a lot of work!! But fun, too. I had my tubes tied while having my third c-section and that decision wasnt easy for me to decide either, until I went into preterm labor at 33 weeks (for the second pregnancy!) and knew that that was God's way of telling me I can't handle anymore. You'll know, trust me...give yourself some time and enjoy what you have!! They grow too fast! My oldest is about to be 6 and he was my first little premie...how did that happen???

Btw, when I hold a newborn, I still think about it but when I hand the baby back, I"m content with what I have. That's how I know I"m done!!! Good luck!

 

[Colleen27]

We're done because DH got a vascetomy. LOL.

I don't know if/when I would have felt done under better circumstances. As it was, we always wanted three, and conceiving our last was rather difficult. We'd actually given up on having a third because I decided I couldn't take any more of trying and miscarrying, so DH had a vascetomy. But he skipped a follow up appointment and we tossed out the birth control a bit too soon and surprise! Baby #3 was totally meant to be - after such a miserable experience when we were trying, along came a completely uneventful, easy pregnancy and the most easy-going baby I've ever met. She's such a sweet baby and I'm enjoying her so much that I think I'd have a hard time deciding we were done if I had to think about it now, but I have no doubt that our family size is perfect for us and I'm happy that the decision has already been made.

 

[DVCsince02]

Is the feeling that "you're done" having kids come from the fact that you couldn't handle anymore versus a feeling that your family is just complete? I mean is the work just so much that you feel you couldn't manage?

I think a little of both.

We're done because DH got a vascetomy. LOL.

Hey Colleen!! I've used your spreadsheet in the past as an example to create my own. Thanks!

 

[islangrl]

When #3 and #4 were 12 months 6 days apart

My #3 and #4 are exactly 12 months and 6 days apart too! 7/13 and 8/19! I am done! For sure! No question!
My first OB appt. for #3 the nurse told me "you can't just have 3, you have to make it an even #, so you'll be back"! Thought she was crazy She was right though!

 

[Mandychelle79]

This is gonna sound awful!! DS is a handfull, mini monster, mess, rotten, demon child... need I say more. I'm done!!

His sister was a breeze, I'm sure I deserve him for something I have done in life but not quite sure what.

QUOTE]


My ds was our deciding factor also. The world cant handle another Alex....

 

[princess&her4princes]

Thanks so much for all your replies! I always wanted two, so I am surprised that I don't feel done! I think I will take the advice of waiting and see how I feel a little down the road. My oldest is 2, so maybe if we wait until next year I will have some finality one way or the other!

Sometimes I wonder if I want another baby or another child! I really didn't enjoy being pregnant but it is temporary! My biggest concern is that I am on my own a lot and enjoy getting out of the house and wonder if I will be able to do that with 3!

For those with 3 or more, do any of you work full time or are all of you SAHM? I have to work full time so I worry about paying for childcare for 3 kids!

To answer your question, I have 3 and I'm home with them all.