OT-When did you know you were finished having kids?

[Stargazer]

Well, my daughter had turned 6 months old when DH brought up the idea of only having one. I agreed and it was "taken care of".

Most people I told said that one day I'd regret it or that DD would miss not having siblings, but DD is now 7 and I couldn't imagine having another child! (It's just what works for our family)

My only concern was that she would not be social with other kids and in fact it's been the complete opposite. She's never met a stranger and can have a conversation with anyone from 2-102!

 

[pednurse]

I totally did not say that to make anyone feel bad for their choice (or not choice in your case.) I am just giving my experience, and I am sure it would not be the experience of every only child. I don't personally know any other "onlys" but me, so I cannot tell you others perspective. My situation is different in that I have only 2 cousins I really don't kow well and have not seen or spoken to in years, my extended family and taht of my husbands are not in our lives. The only real family outside of the 5 of us is my grandparents. I am sorry you were not able to give your daughter a sibling, (but happy that you were able to have her). The only thing I would say would make you an awful mother would be something like abandoning her (like my mom and DH's mom, lucky for me I got my wonderful grandparents poor DH got a evil woman to raise him,) which clearly you are too good of a mom to do that. If I may suggest to you that you make your family & friends bond srong ones, I wish I had had at least that. I have limited contact with my mom, my only aunt sends me an occasional e-mail joke or something, but speak to her maybe one a year on Christmas, my only uncle hasn't spoken to me in years (he still has not gotten over the fact that he was the "baby" till my grandparents had to take me in and raise me, he's in his 40s now and is still holding a grudge). My husband's only sibling died at the age of 25, so we have virtually no family for our kids so they truly needed each other. Family is so important (especially when you don't have much of it I think), so make sure she has strong family ties. (Just my opinions again of course!) Anyway, I am sorry. When I had my second my doctor said I should be happy with the 2 I had, and I was, so when I got pregnant with #3 I was very scared. It ended up being OK, I did need a follow up surgery a couple years later and may need more after that, but it was not life threatening and I was scared so I can't imagine the situation you'd be in and of course she is better of in a family with her mommy then without her!
Again, sorry if I offended you, that was never my intention. Just putting my personal experiences out there for people to consider IF they are trying to decide. I would never judge anotehr mom, it is a hard enough job without worring about what others think of you and there is certianly enough guilt (no matter what you do) without anyone adding more for you!
Take care...

I had to reply in response to the only-child thing. I have a few friends with only 1 child. I also have friends with many children. I have 2. I grew up in a family of 2 kids. Yet I will never have anyone to remember childhood memories with or help as my parents age or keep family connections with. My only sibling made many choices throughout life that have caused a gaping distance between us that will never be breached before he likely loses his life (his health has deteriorated to the point that I won't be surprised if at any day my parents call me with the news...it's actually amazing to even his docs that he's lasted this long). We were never even really close growing up either, not like some people I know have always been close to their siblings. If providing a sibling for a current child is the only reason to have another so they have someone to be close to/reminisce with/etc, that's not really the reason to have a child...because those things can't be made to happen. You should have a child because you really want one, to love & raise for that child's own self, and if they end up close, then great. When we finally decided to have a 2nd child, it wasn't so DS would have a sibling (although I do hope they will have a closer relationship than I do with mine), it was because we wanted another child.

 

[eeyorethegreat]

I respect your opinion.I do. But this post makes me feel like I am an AWFUL person.be thankful you can give your child a sibling.I have a dd that is an only, not by choice ( if you read my post I have been advised not to, since I will wind up on a heart transplant list or worse).Given the choice I would have had more than one, god has chosen otherwise.
I am tired of having to listen to well meaning people from family to friends to strangers tell me how terrible a mom i am because my dd is an only.Adoption is simply not an option ( at least right now, and I am 35 yrs old next month) due to cost.I don't mean to unload on you, it just breaks my heart esp. since dd has been begging for a sibling.

I am an only. I never have felt poorly about being an only. When I was 3 my parents asked me if I wanted to have a baby brother or sister (Dr said it was now or never for a second child. Obviously they were on the fence about it because they asked a 3 year old her opinion lol) I gave a resounding NO!! I think that people assume that to be happy one of the things you need is siblings. I never wanted siblings, never felt badly that my parents didn't have another "for me". You're not a terrible mom for being the parent of an only there are so many advantages to having an only (I know this isn't by choice but still). I went on to have 4 kids and would have had more but my desire to have that many kids had nothing to do with feelings of having missed something by being an only and wanting to "correct" that for my kids. There was a short time that I considered having just one child. Your DD will grow up just fine being an only. My opinion of being an only is that unless it is put upon an only that they "should" feel bad about it then they never will. My theory is I can't miss what I never had. Not to mention I have seen all too many families who have more than one and the kids never get along not even in adulthood. I am sure you are doing a great job with your DD and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[chrisw127]

I respect your opinion.I do. But this post makes me feel like I am an AWFUL person.be thankful you can give your child a sibling.I have a dd that is an only, not by choice ( if you read my post I have been advised not to, since I will wind up on a heart transplant list or worse).Given the choice I would have had more than one, god has chosen otherwise.
I am tired of having to listen to well meaning people from family to friends to strangers tell me how terrible a mom i am because my dd is an only.Adoption is simply not an option ( at least right now, and I am 35 yrs old next month) due to cost.I don't mean to unload on you, it just breaks my heart esp. since dd has been begging for a sibling.

We had problems having our second child (ended up with two and three, as it was twins) and I really got tired of the whole "just adopt" comment. People can be really callous when making comments about "only" children. I will tell you this, though. It wasn't until I had my twins that I realized how really special a family of three is. You can give a child so much attention, resources and love and they DO NOT have to be spoiled or lonely just because they don't have siblings. I am grateful and very happy to have three children, but I also recognize that when it was just my husband, me and my son, that was very special too.

Hang in there. I'm sorry for your troubles.

 

[design_mom]

I definitely think you should wait until your youngest is older before making a permanent decision. (It seems like there's always a "high" or a "low" while everyone is getting used to the new family structure.)

We had originally wanted two children. After DS arrived, everything felt "so perfect" that I wasn't sure I wanted to risk ruining it with another. It took more than a year before we decided we *did* want another child—and several more before we actually did anything about it. After DD arrived, I just wasn't so sure I'd be satisfied with "just two." And don't get me wrong—DD is my "handful," much more high-maintenance than DS, so it certainly wasn't because she was easy! I think it was just that I couldn't imagine not doing any more "baby things." Every FIRST seemed like a LAST, too, if you know what I mean. However, after a year or so, we decided we are happy where we are, as a family of four. We're done... and completely comfortable with that fact.

Don't do anything permanent until you're sure.

 

[Colleen27]

After DD arrived, I just wasn't so sure I'd be satisfied with "just two." And don't get me wrong—DD is my "handful," much more high-maintenance than DS, so it certainly wasn't because she was easy! I think it was just that I couldn't imagine not doing any more "baby things." Every FIRST seemed like a LAST, too, if you know what I mean.

That's what really made me feel like we made the right choice. I worried during my last pregnancy that I'd be sad over her firsts, knowing that they were also lasts for me as a mother. But I haven't felt that way at all. I'm enjoying her so much and haven't felt so much as a twinge of sadness, not even on my most hormonal, post-partum days, over leaving the baby stage behind as she grows. I'm just content to enjoy her now, and looking forward to all her fun firsts (especially that first trip to Disney World!!).

 

[thelindysix]

We have 4 kids. DD17, DS15, DS13, DS2. With the age gap between the two youngest, I knew that eventually DS2 would be the only child at home. It bothered me for a while, but I got over it quickly since both of my sisters and I had babies within months of each other...he always had his cousins to play with. Neither DH or I had anything permanent done because of that "what if" factor. Well at the end of Sept I found out I was pregnant again! That was when I knew for sure that I could have been done at 4. I was so upset I cried for days and days. That sounds awful, I know. (Did I mention I'll be 40 in less than a month! ) So now DS2 will have that little brother or sister for a playmate after all!!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I already have appologized in this thread and in private, but I just need to reply to twp things. I am sorry that I posted what I did about being an only, if I could go back I would. I was speaking from my own personal experience. I did and still do feel lonely, but more so from having absolutly no extended family and not just siblings. I knew there would be people with opposing opinions, and I am so glad for them, I wsih I was like them, sadly I am not. I was just trying to offer various sides. I never said that RMulieri or any parent of an only was wrong or a bad parent, and I am so sorry for anyone in her situation. As for my family, to imply that I do not love, cherish and give my heart fully to all 3 of my kids is just plain wrong. I am sorry, but it is. Did I initially get over the fear of having a second (after a horrible delivery with many complications with my first) so that she wouldn't be alone? Yes, but I wanted to have 2 kids, so I was greatful to get over that fear. I love my kids with everything I have in my soul. As a child I would dream of having a family. I met my DH at 15, engaged at 16, married at 17, pregnant at 18, and first baby was born at 19. We both really wanted to make the families we so desperatly wanted together.
But, to clarify, I never said nor do I believe that a parent of an only is a bad parent, however I would suggest that you make sure that if you have an only give them a sense of support an belonging somewhere be it with extended family or good friends, somewhere that the only stays an only and not like I am, a lonely.
Also, to RMulieri, thanks for acceping my appology. I was out running the kids around and as soon as I walked in I came right here and it was nice to read your reply. I had felt badly all day for making you feel badly. Like I said, this is why I often type stuff then delete it before I post. I never want to make anyone feel bad, sad, mad, anything, so I usually keep my mouth shut on personal things and keep my posts limited to dining, tips and the like. Please take care, of you and your family.

 

[disney_family_1247]

Before we had any kids, we agreed on having two biologically and adopting a third. When #2 was two years old, we started thinking we'd have three biologically . She's two years old now, and we are in the middle of our home study to adopt a fourth child. We are both 100% done after this fourth baby. I can't say that I won't have baby lust at some point in the future, but I know that four is all I can parent in the way that we want to. I agree with all of the other posters who say that you'll just know. Think about it for a while more; you're baby is only two months old. If you still feel this way in six months, then it might be something that you really want.

 

[december]

I already have appologized in this thread and in private, but I just need to reply to twp things. I am sorry that I posted what I did about being an only, if I could go back I would. I was speaking from my own personal experience. I did and still do feel lonely, but more so from having absolutly no extended family and not just siblings. I knew there would be people with opposing opinions, and I am so glad for them, I wsih I was like them, sadly I am not. I was just trying to offer various sides. I never said that RMulieri or any parent of an only was wrong or a bad parent, and I am so sorry for anyone in her situation. As for my family, to imply that I do not love, cherish and give my heart fully to all 3 of my kids is just plain wrong. I am sorry, but it is. Did I initially get over the fear of having a second (after a horrible delivery with many complications with my first) so that she wouldn't be alone? Yes, but I wanted to have 2 kids, so I was greatful to get over that fear. I love my kids with everything I have in my soul. As a child I would dream of having a family. I met my DH at 15, engaged at 16, married at 17, pregnant at 18, and first baby was born at 19. We both really wanted to make the families we so desperatly wanted together.
But, to clarify, I never said nor do I believe that a parent of an only is a bad parent, however I would suggest that you make sure that if you have an only give them a sense of support an belonging somewhere be it with extended family or good friends, somewhere that the only stays an only and not like I am, a lonely.
Also, to RMulieri, thanks for acceping my appology. I was out running the kids around and as soon as I walked in I came right here and it was nice to read your reply. I had felt badly all day for making you feel badly. Like I said, this is why I often type stuff then delete it before I post. I never want to make anyone feel bad, sad, mad, anything, so I usually keep my mouth shut on personal things and keep my posts limited to dining, tips and the like. Please take care, of you and your family.

I don't think you have anything to apologize for-you were sharing your personal experiences. My mother is an only child, and was lonely growing up, even with lots of cousins. As her parents aged (my grandmother is still alive) she had alot of responsibility on her shoulders. My other grandmother had a twin, but the twin and their father died when they were a year old. She grew up very lonely and begged me to have another after my son was born. My sister's son is an only child, and as I posted earlier he begs for siblings. He told my daughter this weekend he wished she was his sister. And he keeps telling my sister it isn't fair that we're getting 3 kids when they only have one. He's a handful, which is a big part of the reason my sister doesn't want anymore. He'll be ok-we have lots of family. He won't be psychologically damaged because of it, but I understand your feelings. I know plenty of other onlys that love being the center of attention and not having to share with siblings! I have a former student who was the only child, and his parents were only children, so he was the only grandchild on both sides. He LOVED it!

 

[shellyfive]

I didn't read all the responses, was just curious about the title!!!
We have 5 ,love em all, couldn't imagine life without any of them---and yes ,we have to travel by minivan everywhere, and get two rooms at Disney....i'm not having any more, my uterus is in a jar somewhere......but if anyone drops one at my door, I'd gladly take he or she in!!!

 

[genius118899]

I didn't read all the responses, was just curious about the title!!!
We have 5 ,love em all, couldn't imagine life without any of them---and yes ,we have to travel by minivan everywhere, and get two rooms at Disney....i'm not having any more, my uterus is in a jar somewhere......but if anyone drops one at my door, I'd gladly take he or she in!!!

Haha! My parents have 5 biologically, and one more adopted. My parents had toyed with the idea of adopting a set of siblings, and also for going back for another child. Hannah (my adopted sister, we got her when she was 2, now she's 5) is more of a handful than any of us combined. I will never forget the time I was on the phone with my mother, when she all of a sudden said she had to go and she'd call me back. Why?

Hannah had:
1) dumped a thing of yogurt on the kitchen chair
2) stuck her stockinged foot in it
3) somehow managed to get her foot up to her mouth and was licking the yogurt off!!!

While we love her to death and I LOVE spoiling her rotten (hey, I'm the big sister, I'm allowed to), my parents knew they were done after her!

 

[Elmo888]

Is the feeling that "you're done" having kids come from the fact that you couldn't handle anymore versus a feeling that your family is just complete? I mean is the work just so much that you feel you couldn't manage?

It can mean either one or the other or both.

After our first DD, I felt like I was done because I couldn't handle any more. i got rid of all the infant stuff (clothes and gear). And she was a perfect baby. After she turned 3, I felt like I could handle it again (DH and I almost simultaneously but separately started thinking about it and came to the decision to have another when she was about 3 1/2). DDs are almost 5 years apart. I love the age gap.

I think that feeling that you can't handle more is a reason that you feel done. Those aren't exactly separate. (Although you can feel done without feeling like you can't handle more - you can feel done because your family feels complete.) Does that make sense?

 

[brockash]

I didn't read all the responses, was just curious about the title!!!
We have 5 ,love em all, couldn't imagine life without any of them---and yes ,we have to travel by minivan everywhere, and get two rooms at Disney....i'm not having any more, my uterus is in a jar somewhere......but if anyone drops one at my door, I'd gladly take he or she in!!!

That's so funny that you say that. Any time someone asks if we're having more, I always tell them that I don't know about being pregnant again, but I wish one would get dropped off at my door-step I know it sounds crazy, but seriously I do.

 

[kkheburn]

I was done having children when I found out how much it was going to cost for them to go to school

 

[DISNEYNUTS]

I think you just know, same as your spouse, when you know you know. I think the motherly urge to hold and nuture is our motherly instincts kicking in. I love to hold and take care of babies and that never goes away, I am 42 and done. Now I still love to hold them and care for them but then at the end of the day (niece, nephews and friends babies) they go home and I am content with the 3 beautiful children (2 teenagers) I have. We knew the minute we became pregnant with #3 that this was it, we had 2 boys, and boy or girl we were done. We were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. That was 10 years ago

 

[DISNEYNUTS]

Is the feeling that "you're done" having kids come from the fact that you couldn't handle anymore versus a feeling that your family is just complete? I mean is the work just so much that you feel you couldn't manage?

For me is was complete!

 

[disneykibbes5]

I knew I was done after my second. I had finally talked Dh into being done and he decided to go have the sugery. 2 days after we agreed on it I got Pregnant with our son. I wouldn't tade him for the world. But I do feel overwhelmed at times. Needless to say Dh had the surgery before our DS was born and I only regret it every once in a while when I am packing things away but then I think about trying to raise another child and that thought goes away quickly .

 

[dana1696]

my husband had a vasectomy 6 mos. after the birth of our twin daughters. Our son was 6 at the time, so we did have some space between, but the twins did me in!

 

[Disneydreamer5]

I have 5 children. Only 2 were planned. We had a daughter first,the condom kid,lmao, (and naturally knew we would one day want a son. Well the next child was a girl, she was a birth control pill baby. The moment they announced its a girl, I knew I would be having another. Well 4 months later, I was prego yet again.
This we will call the spoung baby. Finally a boy!
When he was around 2 ,I watched him play with his older sisters and I felt a pain in my heart for him that he didn't have a brother. So we started workiing on that for him. Well his brother was another sister so I knew once again that we would be having at least one more.
3 years later we had yet another girl! My OB made the choice for me.
I had worked my uterus to its fullest and simply couldn't handle another pregnacy. I had to get my tubestide. We ended up getting my son a male black lab, we kid him all the time that the dog was his baby brother we never had.
There are days that I wish I could have had another but when all is said and done I think this is how it was meant to be.
The botton line is when you are finished you will just know its time. If God has another mircle in store for you than you shall have one.
God Bless you in how ever things go.