OT: What is reasonable?

[ebtbmom]

I'm considering returning to school to get a degree that would nearly double my current salary. This of course would help my family tremendously. When I mention that I'm considering this to my mother she tells how supportive she would be b/c her and my dad are getting older and will be needing some help.

Is this normal procedure, for parents to ask their grown kids to return to school to help with their bills? I am not happy with this, but then I feel like maybe I'm selfish and this is what people do? My main problem is that I do not agree with the way my parents manage their money. They spend spend spend, shop every weekend, and go out to dinner nearly every night. I know they have little saved for retirement.

I feel like now if I return to school that I'll be spending 22,000 on a program and not having any extra for my husband and son b/c my mom would guilt me into paying for their debt. What do you think?

 

[GinnyEmma]

What a mess. I'd talk with her about their expectations. With your husband. Then spend time talking with your husband and then get back with them. Take your time and go in calmly.

My mom knows that we will always be willing and able to help her out. She was a single mom who gave up her life to make sure that everyone was educated and cared for. But it would be hard for us if she was a crazy spender.

I really hope that you find some peace in this mess.

 

[ThreeBeans]

That is.....odd.

I have no expectation that my children will help me financially.

If I were you I'd let my mom know that the time is now to start looking into long-term care policies and to have their health-care wishes spelled out so that you will know what decisions to make, but you will not be able to provide for them financially. They need to know they cannot depend on that.

 

[YO's Mom]

I think you need to sit down and have a come to Jesus meeting with your parents. Find out what she means by "some help". Is she talking about occasional help with a medical bill, or is she talking about you paying their mortgage? You need to make it clear what you would and would not be able to do. After all, just about the time you would finish paying for your degree, you're going to have a son the right age to be heading to college. That's going to affect your cash flow!

Personally, I do expect my children to support me in my old age as one intends to be a super model and the other a pop star!

 

[rt2dz]

Some people think their kids "owe" them. I find that a lot. I experience it and lots of friends experience it. I know a few that don't, but I think it's 50-50 that do. Mayb 60-40 that do.

My parents expect me to do whatever they want in terms of where to spend our holidays, if they want us to do xyz with them, etc, etc because of everything they did for us (siblings and myself) as kids. It doesn't matter that we're all married to spouses with families, have families of our own, and have kids that are involved in things. We all need to bend to their will at all times.

DHs parents though, expect us to help them out simply because we are family and family takes care of each other. If they need money, we are to supply it. They owe us thousands of dollars. I know we'll never see it. And I resent the living daylights out of it because I know that means my kids are going without something, and it's not because they are in a tight spot/something dramatic happened, but they can't manage money (spend like water on stupid stuff and not pay the bills).

It all blows up at some point. Between some parties. I know that I am not going to depend on my kids for financial help at all; it would have to be dire. I am also going to realize that I am not longer allowed to dictate what my children do--I'm going to let them fly on their own.

I'd talk with your DH (first) and let him know about the conversation. Then the two of you need to come up with some type of plan of attack that makes you both happy. Then have a talk with your mother about what the plan is--slowly. Be nice, but firm. Stand your ground. And only cross the bridges you need to. Just start by saying you were wondering if she thought you would be helping her. Maybe she meant something else. Then ask what type of help she thinks she'll need. Correct her gently when wrong.

 

[mjkacmom]

my parents won't even let us pay when we go out for dinner, and no one in our families expects children to support their parents. My parents help fund my kids' activities, and have taken us on vacation. They didn't support their parents (there was no need).

 

[AllieV]

My parents were the same way but for different reasons. They were involved with a wacky religion and believe the world would end any day ("any day" for 30+ years, yeah) so they never thought they'd reach old age. I was determined not to help them, although my sis and I would pay for them to meet us on vacations now and then.

Now that there's just one of them left alive and struggling, I felt obligated to pitch in and help. Not real happy about it, but it's a life lesson for me (never to be that way). I pay for quite a bit, but I look at it as paying back what was given to me as a kid growing up.

 

[GinnyEmma]

I don't believe kids owe parents. But in our lives I can't imagine allowing my mom to need something. I also believe that when push comes to shove that it is a family's duty to watch out for one another rather than the state. State funds should be used for those with no other options.

 

[Mom2apirate&princess]

How bizarre!

My mom and dad wont let me pay for dinner when we go out. They came to visit us overseas for 6 weeks and when we would go grocery shopping my dad would say that my money was no good at the commissary & they bought all of our gas for the 6 weeks.

I would help my parents financially if they needed it, but it might be easy for me to say that because I know that they are set up well and wont need any monetary help...

 

[JUJU814]

I agree with the others. Sit down with your husband and your parents and find out what their expectations are and also let them know your limitations.

As far as it being odd, well....yes, culturally in America. There are many other cultures where it is very very common to support the parents in their old age.

My nanny/houskeeper is Brazilian and her and her siblings all support her mom financially and wouldn't ever dream of it being any other way. She even helps support her older sister. We've had many discussions about it and she can't believe how Americans don't do the same.

So, to a lot of the world it is not odd to support your parents and is culturally expected.

But in this case, it does seem odd and a bit unreasonable.

I hope you're able to work it out. Definitely good to do so beforehand. Honestly, your parents do not need to know that this will double your salary or at all how much you make. It's none of their business. I tend to tell my mom way TOO much. Perhaps you might want to be careful what you tell her in terms of your salary and such? Then she won't be seeing $$ signs.

Good luck with everything!

 

[disykat]

I agree with the others. It doesn't seem weird to me that families help each other, that's what families do.

But to EXPECT that you can spend freely because your kids will be helping you in your old age is indeed odd and unreasonable.

My parents have planned well and should be good unless there are a lot of unforseen problems. Their investments have definitely taken hits the last few years and if they need long term care for years on end that could be an issue. DH's parents may have some trouble, but they have never spent irresponsibly and, even though I haven't always gotten along with them, we'd be happy to help them financially. Maybe it's because they've certainly never expected it.

 

[RMulieri]

Neither My parents or my inlaws would never expect our help, nor would they ask for it.We would gladly offer it to either sets of parents that needed it,but it is not expected.My parents do not have really any retirment saved either, but they are not out spending money.They live very frugally .Same with my husbands parents.I don't expect my daughter to financially take care of me and my husband either which is why we are killing ourselves dumping money into savings and retirement.I think you need to sit down and have a talk with your spouse first and then your parents.Have them define "help".If they are expecting you to finance their golden years while they are spending frivolously ,then you need to set them straight .

 

[RMulieri]

I agree with the others. Sit down with your husband and your parents and find out what their expectations are and also let them know your limitations.

As far as it being odd, well....yes, culturally in America. There are many other cultures where it is very very common to support the parents in their old age.

My nanny/houskeeper is Brazilian and her and her siblings all support her mom financially and wouldn't ever dream of it being any other way. She even helps support her older sister. We've had many discussions about it and she can't believe how Americans don't do the same.

So, to a lot of the world it is not odd to support your parents and is culturally expected.

But in this case, it does seem odd and a bit unreasonable.

I hope you're able to work it out. Definitely good to do so beforehand. Honestly, your parents do not need to know that this will double your salary or at all how much you make. It's none of their business. I tend to tell my mom way TOO much. Perhaps you might want to be careful what you tell her in terms of your salary and such? Then she won't be seeing $$ signs.

Good luck with everything!

I agree with the cultural aspect..It is the same with my japanese and Korean friends.Elders live with their children and it is expected their kids support them..However, there is a mutual respect there.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Ugh, speaking of daughters, I have had many people bemoan my lack of daughters, asking who would take care of me in my old age.

 

[ebtbmom]

My mom has always been like this to a certain extent. She grew up with her dad being very frugal and denying her a lot of frivolities so she was determined to make up for it! Now they have 1000's of $$ of credit card debt, mostly for dinners out and jewelry and arts and crafts supplies, very frustrating, I think she is a hoarder, but not a hoarder of nasty, junky stuff, it's actually really nice brand new items!

She has actually told me that it is partially me and my brother's fault that they are in such debt b/c when we were kids we begged and whined for a lot of stuff. If she didn't have the $ she'd charge it, including a 300$ porcelain doll one night off of QVC. Now that I have a kid, I realize this is ridiculous, I chose what to buy him and it's totally my responsibility, not his!

My dad has had some recent medical problems, we even offered to help out with his medical insurance for a while, but they worked that out somehow. The thing is since he's been injured and out of work for a year they haven't made hardly any lifestyle changes!

I couldn't really keep the salary info from her, it's really easy to google "average CRNA salary"!

 

[delmar411]

I know my parents are ok and have a plan. We've had those discussions already. I'm not sure what my IL's think is going to happen when they aren't able to care for themselves anymore but they certainly haven't made any lifestyle changes since FIL retired. They spend crazy amounts of money so I do worry that they will expect us to help them later on. I'll cross that bridge when it comes though.

If you aren't looking to be the caretaker of your parents (financially or otherwise) then you need to tell them that up front and don't beat around the bush. Only you can allow them to guilt you into things. That's sort of the same thing as saying they are in debt because of you children.

 

[JUJU814]

I agree with the cultural aspect..It is the same with my japanese and Korean friends.Elders live with their children and it is expected their kids support them..However, there is a mutual respect there.

yes, very true.

 

[Taja]

Since I currently do not have television, I've been listening to talk radio intermittently, and listen to Dave Ramsey from time to time.

As many others have said, I don't agree with him about everything. He does, however, have some good ideas.

First, make sure you and your DH are on the same page with helping both your family and his. There are likely to be extenuating circumstances at times in both families, but agree when you will step in and provide monetary assistance and when you will not.

One thing Dave Ramsey says is he does not believe in helping others continue to make bad financial decisions. If parents or other family members need financial help regularly, they need to work on changing their ways (paying down debt, eliminating unnecessary expenses, saving, etc.) if they expect continuing assistance.

If they elect not to change, he recommends buying them food or occasionally paying a utility bill, if necessary. But do not support their bad decisions by bailing them out.

You can check his website for a better explanation.

As I said at the beginning, there can be extenuating circumstances. My parents always were frugal and retired in decent financial shape, but 15 years of battling Alzheimer's (my father) gobbled all of their assets and most of mine. I certainly don't recommend placing your family at financial risk in similar situations, just be aware it can happen and have a plan in place with other family members to deal with them.

Good luck with your degree program and future career oportunities!

 

[crisi]

I think you mother does not have the power to "guilt you into paying for their debt" unless you give it to her. And, unless there is a cultural expectation here (which I doubt, because this seems like its a surprise to you) I don't think you should give her that power.

The word you are looking for is "no."

 

[Nancyg56]

Ugh, speaking of daughters, I have had many people bemoan my lack of daughters, asking who would take care of me in my old age.

I hear that too. In my family that is silly, my lovely DSIS IL was as good to my Mom as my sister and myself. It was not for my brother, she truly loved my Mom. My DH and I are on the same page when it comes to caring for our family as are my sons and daughter. My Dh and I would never expect my children to care for us as we age, especially financially.

I think you mother does not have the power to "guilt you into paying for their debt" unless you give it to her. And, unless there is a cultural expectation here (which I doubt, because this seems like its a surprise to you) I don't think you should give her that power.

The word you are looking for is "no."

You said it!

As others have suggested, sit down with your parents and ask what their expectations are, explain that you are not going to financially support bad spending decisions so they should begin curtailing their excesses.