Not chosen to be a bridesmaid - anyone ever disappointed like me?

[LuluLovesDisney]

My very close friend is getting married and she didn't ask me to be in her bridal party. I am really upset and disappointed. I'm not angry. I still went to her shower (which was difficult) and I'll still go to her wedding, but I'm really sad.

Of course her sister is her MOH and she chose 2 other friends as her bridesmaids. One is a friend of her family's since she was a toddler and they went through k-12 together. The other is a former roommate of ours (4 of us shared an apt. in college) We were always very close - we even went wedding dress shopping (before either of us were engaged!) and we'd always read bridal magazines together and she'd always discussed having 4 or 5 bridesmaids, me being one of them.

I'm really disappointed and I wonder if when I get married it would be awkward to ask her now that I feel rejected. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that for the past year I've been holding several jobs (tutoring before school, teaching high school for the full school day, being part of a committee at school, working at a gym 3 nights a week, teaching summer school, selling Avon, and even homeschooling twice last year) that keep me extremely busy and I haven't hung out with my friends as much as I used to. I'm definitely out of the loop compared to how it used to be, but I'm trying to save up so I can get married and get out of my parents' house and start my own life. I just feel like my working so much has a lot to do with why I wasn't chosen but I really would have somehow made the time. I'm working so much because of my dream of a fairytale wedding, but it's meaningless without love - my future fiance, friends and family.

I'm taking this really badly - I guess because we'd always discussed being in each others' weddings and now I just feel like I'm not good enough.

Any words of consolation?

(Besides a hearty "get over it" which I've heard already. )

 

[kendall]

I can understand your disappointment - I would try to continue to be a good friend, supportive of her plans, etc., and it sounds like that is what you are doing. I hear you when you say you are sad and you can't share in the event in that way.... There may be other circumstances in play too - perhaps dealing with the groomsmen, parents, etc. I'm sure she was probably concerned too about not asking you, if you have been friends for a while. Perhaps one day you will have the right time and opportunity to mention you were disappointed in not be asked to be in the wedding - but in reality, the wedding is one day - friendship can span a lifetime. If you value this friendship, then continuing to be a friend is the thing to do.

Due to costs and family issues associated with my own wedding, I had my MOH and 2 bridesmaids - I would have liked more, but we had to stay within our means!

Any chance your friend recognizes your multiple jobs, financial struggles, and didn't want to burden you with the additional costs of being a bridesmaid?

 

[aprilgail2]

Honestly I breethe a sigh of relief when I am not picked to be a bridesmaid! I just think of the 500+ I won't have to spend on a dress and shoes, the 500 I won't have to spend on the bridal shower, all the money I won't have to pay for my hair to be done,all the money I won't have to spring for to host a bachlorette party....and all the aggravation I WON'T have!

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

I can understand why you are hurt. I know how it must feel like a rejection to you. It makes a lot of sense that she would ask the family friend and the other friend that she has probably spent more time with recently. It sounds like you have been very busy! I'm sure it doesn't mean that you are less of a friend to her than the others. I think a person is more likely to include someone that they spend more time with.

It's hard for a person planning a wedding. When she was younger, of course she dreamed of having many bridesmaids. When she actually had to plan the wedding, I'm sure she had to draw a line somewhere. I'm sorry you felt left out. It's great that you still went to the shower and are still going to attend the wedding, even though you are hurt.

When it comes time for your wedding, you should still include her if you want to. I hope you can work through the hurt and see that you might want to take a little time to spend reconnecting with your close friends. Working hard is great, but you also need to set some time to have fun.

 

[Beth76]

Well since you're working so much and trying to save money maybe she thought you wouldn't have time or be able to afford being in the wedding. Maybe her fiance only has 3 attendants so she couldn't have anymore. Honestly, I would much prefer to be a guest than an attendant.

 

[mommasita]

Honestly I breethe a sigh of relief when I am not picked to be a bridesmaid! I just think of the 500+ I won't have to spend on a dress and shoes, the 500 I won't have to spend on the bridal shower, all the money I won't have to pay for my hair to be done,all the money I won't have to spring for to host a bachlorette party....and all the aggravation I WON'T have!

Ditto this...You can be a happy guest.

 

[kufan98]

I completely understand your situation. I had to have my sister-in-law and brother-in-law in my wedding party when I didn't ask them. My mother-in-law just put them in my wedding. Now that they are getting married I haven't been asked to be in either of their weddings, and my brother-in-law told my husband that they didn't ask me because I wasn't really a part of their family--I have been married to my husband for 15 years. Needless to say I was pretty hurt by the whole situation.

If it really bothers you call her up and ask, and then you know the real reason.

 

[SleepyMom]

When my very good friend got married right out of college I was very hurt that she didn't include me, we had been best friends since 3rd grade and she chose as her bridesmaids people she met while in college (so the longest they had known each other was 4 years). She had helped in my wedding 2 years before, so it kind of doubled the confusion for me. PLUS, I was the one who got her and her DH together.

I have never asked her why. She will celebrate her 21st anniversary in 2 months, and the thing that matters the most is that we are still good friends. It hurt at the time, but I did "get over it" eventually. I'm not telling you to get over it, I'm just saying that I did over time. Just continue to be her friend, maybe someday you will know the reason and my guess it has to do with something on her side and pressure to include certain people and nothing to do with your friendship, and especially with you not being good enough.

 

[Nancy]

Well since you're working so much and trying to save money maybe she thought you wouldn't have time or be able to afford being in the wedding. Maybe her fiance only has 3 attendants so she couldn't have anymore. Honestly, I would much prefer to be a guest than an attendant.

This was my guess too. I know I have been to weddings where the number was uneven (more bridesmaids then ushers) but to me that just seems strange.

I loved being a bridesmaid, but I also liked being a guest.

 

[chager]

When I got married I did not have my best friend in my wedding party. I felt horrible but everything was decided and done in 6 weeks and she didn't return my calls. (At the time we had a falling out. The 3 people I considered my best friends had all made the drinking age grandfather law and I didn't. They did alot of partying that I wasn't included in.) 17 years later I really wish she had been in it and she understands that. I haven't heard from the MOH for several years now. Our lives ended up going different directions, the same with everyone that did end up in my wedding party as bridesmaids. (Let's see Nick is 12 now and I think the last time I saw most of them he was 7 or so.) My best friend and I did talk about the she and the others were hurt that they weren't in the wedding party. All did attend the wedding though. She understood that it was simply because I couldn't reach her and had no idea how to reach the other 2 since they had both moved just prior. They had all been included in the original wedding plans a year before but they ended up scrapped when Rick and I broke up. We then got back together 8 weeks before the original date and ended up married 2 weeks after the original date. (If that makes any sense!)
I'm really sorry you aren't being included. My best friend obviously knows the feeling better then I do, but I know it hurts!

 

[WDWVillain]

I am going thru this right now as we speak!!! I other day I got a call from one of my best friends....I am the one that has been there when she has needed someone...etc. I was even the FIRST one to know about that they "set a date". she even called yesterday morning to tell me she just got her dress, and was going over this girls house to show her, and talk about the brides maids dresses........so I am sitting here this morning saying..hum, geez...I guess I am NOT in the wedding??? I just do not get this one. who knows, maybe she is still going to ask me? but I am not feeling it.

 

[KariC]

I totally feel your pain! It is hard, and will take some effort to not let this hurt your friendship. I know my hubby had disappointed friends when we got married, but I only wanted 3 bridesmaids with me. He wanted to include both of my brothers, so that limited his friends (3 groomsmen, 2 ushers). I simply had more guy friends since I got an engineering degree....and I didn't think the guys I would have wanted would've looked good in the dresses!

My SIL didn't include me in her wedding party (I am the only sister--she doesn't have one, and I'm the only girl in our family), and she had 8 bridesmaids. It was really tough. I ended up skipping her showers (I lived 10 hours away), but I know I would have made the effort if I had been one of her "chosen ones". I would say it doesn't impact our relationship now, simply because she's not speaking to anyone in my brother's family (not just sibs and parents, but the whole extended family)...so, obviously she had bigger issues.

I hope you can work things out in your mind. If it's really bothering you, maybe talk about it with her...but after the wedding (brides can be really emotional and stressed before). And, secretly hope that she chooses some big puffy sleeved, big-bowed, unflattering dress that you wouldn't be caught dead in! Choose your own gorgeous outfit, and take a cute date (or find someone there.....since you won't be in the awful bridesmaid dress!).

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Does she have another role in mind for you? In 1986 I had my BIL and SIL in my wedding, and when they each got married (one in 92, one in 96)was not an attendant (although DH was in both) but was asked to do a reading at both weddings. Maybe because I had a speech minor in college and they knew I wouldn't mess up! I also had a good college friend read at my own wedding, when my attendants were my BF, sister and SIL.
I know 5 years ago one of my best HS friends (a male) got married at age 40. We still kept in touch and I knew he was asking her, etc. Well I wasn't even invited to the wedding. That one hurt like heck. From what I heard most of the guests were "her" side (she was also getting married for the first time at 35).
In fact come to think of it I've only been in 2 weddings, my sister and my BF. But I'm not one of those people who has tons of friends, just one or two close ones.
Robin M.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Thanks for all the replies.
I know the friendship is more important and this certainly was a kick in the pants to make work less of an all consuming priority. Maybe in the long run, it helped teach me that lesson, despite how much this hurts. Everyone seems to have had bridesmaids that faded away and friendships that lasted through situations like these. I really hope mine is one of them.

 

[minniecarousel]

Please don't ask her about this before the wedding! She's got enough stress, and it's too late to include you now anyway. Believe me, you will be happy that you're not in it, with the costs of the dress and everything! I'm a little puzzled why my older DS and his fiancee don't want my 9 year-old niece as their flower girl. But, I offered to be in charge of her (ask her Mom, ask her, buy her dress...) but they have decided not to have a flower girl (they have a 12 year-old ring-bearer.) I'm....trying...not...to...be...the....medddling....MIL!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I am going thru this right now as we speak!!! I other day I got a call from one of my best friends....I am the one that has been there when she has needed someone...etc. I was even the FIRST one to know about that they "set a date". she even called yesterday morning to tell me she just got her dress, and was going over this girls house to show her, and talk about the brides maids dresses........so I am sitting here this morning saying..hum, geez...I guess I am NOT in the wedding??? I just do not get this one. who knows, maybe she is still going to ask me? but I am not feeling it.

That is unbelievable. It really hurts. Feel free to PM me anytime. I certainly know what you're going through. I remember standing on a table in the airport to talk to her bc I was stuck in Orlando Airport when she called to tell me she got engaged. She sent me pictures of her wedding gown, etc. It's really hard.

 

[becjlek]

I know how you feel. I was never a bridesmaid. I almost was once but the bride, my college roommate decided to ask her future SIL that she didn't really like because she would look better in the dress. At the time I was an appropriate wt. She may have been pressured from her mom to make other decisions. Sometimes Moms of the bride tend to end up making some of the desicions and she may feel bad about it too and just not able to bring it up.

 

[figment52]

.

Due to costs and family issues associated with my own wedding, I had my MOH and 2 bridesmaids - I would have liked more, but we had to stay within our means!

Any chance your friend recognizes your multiple jobs, financial struggles, and didn't want to burden you with the additional costs of being a bridesmaid?

Honestly I breethe a sigh of relief when I am not picked to be a bridesmaid! I just think of the 500+ I won't have to spend on a dress and shoes, the 500 I won't have to spend on the bridal shower, all the money I won't have to pay for my hair to be done,all the money I won't have to spring for to host a bachlorette party....and all the aggravation I WON'T have!

As you described your last year this is exactly what I was thinking. Out of respect for your current financial/working situation she probably didn't want to add to your load.

I'm sure you are disappointed but once you add everything up (time and $$) she wanted you to be able to enjoy her special not, not see it as one more responsibility for you. Don't let it cloud your friendship.

 

[SDFgirl]

I agree with the posters that guessed that her fiance might only have 3 attendants. She may have felt pressure to make it even and could only choose three as well.

That was my first thought.

It sounds like you're handling this with grace even though your feelings were hurt. Maybe someday it'll come up - maybe not - but I hope the two of you continue to be friends throughout the years!

 

[mla2177]

If it makes you feel better, I did this same thing to one of my friends. Honestly, we were really close for a long time, and just got involved in our own lives and drifted apart. I didn't ask her for that reason. I asked the people I was close with at the time. I talk to her everyday now, and I don't know what I would do without her friendship. If I were to get married now, without a doubt she would be in my wedding, probably be a Maid of Honor!!!!