Not chosen to be a bridesmaid - anyone ever disappointed like me?

[powellrj]

we are going through this right now with my DS. He is getting married next year and my DD is crushed that she is the guest book attendant. While we never talked about it with her, I know she assumed that she would be in the wedding party.

We are really talking up the whole guest book job as being so important, she is still really hurt.

 

[Danauk]

I so know how you feel on this one. I am am only child, my DH has one sister (who is 6 months younger than me). When we got engaged there was no question in my mind that my DH's sister Liz would be my main bridesmaid (she signed my wedding certificate as a whitness the whole thing). Skip forward 6 years. Liz had never had a boyfriend, DH and I had begun to plan our next trip to WDW (we live in England, are both teachers, so is DSIL, so have limited vacation time) and we plan trips 18 months in advance (this is normal for us due to the limited vacation time and the cost and time needed to save up, our usual trip cost is $12000 so we have to plan for in advance and save up!). 11 months before we go we book the air fare (non refunable from the UK) and book 2 weeks in a 2 bedroomed BCV for 2 weeks over christmas and new year (that is so hard to get and we have been looking forward to this holiday for 2 years which she knows). At the same time she mentioned to us she had met a guy, Dan. When our airfare (non refundable) had been booked she told us she and Dan were getting married in Australia (where Dan is from). Me and DH (her only brothers) said straight away that we could not come as we had booked our trip and could not get a refund ($6000 in air fares, 4 adults from the UK, our 2 best friends were using their DVC points to put us up and we were paing for their air fare so even if we did cancel it would still have cost us $3000 for our friends tickets plus our $3000 ticket loss, plus our tickets to Oz and our accomodation) My SIL response to this was "well we knew people from home wouldn't be able to come." My response to this was "I know it is at the other side of the world and if we hadn't just paid $6000 which we can't get back we would be there."
So long story short we went to WDW and called my SIL on her wedding day (we were sitting by the partners statue in the MK when I made the call in tears on Christmas day). The only people she had there where here mum and dad. As she had been my maid bridesmade she had told me that as she had no one from her family there she would not be having a bridesmade, I actually at this point didn't mind if she did.
So after the wedding they decided that they wanted to have a blessing here in the UK (where they both live and work). They said they wanted the day to be the same as in Australia so no bridesmaides (I was upset by this, but not so much as when I realised I would not see her wedding day, let alone be a part of it.) However, when I saw their wedding photos I noticed that they had had a bridesmaid, one of my DBIL's sisters (so basically they had lied to me). If they had told me this before hand I wouldn't have been bothered. Yet when they had their 'wedding' in the UK they did not ask me to be bridesmaid (they didn't have one at all). To say I was heartbroken at the time was an understatement. 18 months later however, I love my SIL and BIL. In my mind now, OK I was upset at the time, yes I wanted to see them on the most important day of their lives and be an important part in their 2nd, but a few years later I realise that it was just one day. At the time I was devistated (I didn't eat or sleep for 3 days after I heard the news) but now I realise in the grand scheme of things it isn't that big of a deal. I have a great relationship with both of them.
I'm so sorry that you are upset I so know how you feel, but I promise you it does get better and you will feel better in the end.

 

[Nancyg56]

my brother-in-law told my husband that they didn't ask me because I wasn't really a part of their family--I have been married to my husband for 15 years. Needless to say I was pretty hurt by the whole situation.

Does this mean that his wife will not a part of the family either?

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I understand your feeling hurt, but I think it's likely there's a reasonable explanation (rather than that she didn't want you in the wedding, or it didn't occur to her to ask you.)

When I married (at age 28), I'd had many close friendships through the years, and I would have loved to include all of my girlfriends in the wedding.

For one thing, my DH didn't feel close enough to very many men to ask their participation. He asked one friend from college to be his best man, and his boss to be an usher. I had a hard time choosing only two attendants, but finally chose my sister as MoH, and a college friend as a bridesmaid. The reason I chose her was because I was closest to her at the time, even though I'd known a few of the other girls most of my life.

Another reason we kept the wedding party small was because we didn't have a lot of money, and neither did my parents, who were helping us pay for the wedding. Aside from paying for the girls' outfits (including jewelry), which we did because neither had much money at the time, I had no idea how expensive everything wedding-related was until I was actually planning mine. (I wanted real flowers, and the cost was quite a shock!)

I hope you get over your hurt. I think you are feeling your friendship undervalued or overlooked, and suspect it was a difficult decision for your friend to choose among her friends. You may be right that, like I did, she chose whoever she was seeing the most at the time, and it is no reflection on her regard for you. I would bet that your continued friendship means everything to her.

 

[princess pooh]

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and I'd probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes.

Just think of how much more fun you'll have as a guest though! You won't have to worry about being on time for pictures and helping the bride go to the bathroom. You'll be able to wear a sexy dress, and drink and dance the night away. Trust me, being a guest is much more fun

 

[Costumesaremylife]

My best guy friend got engaged and I know I shouldn't expect to be a bridesmaid, because he's a guy. I'm just the friend you call when you are having a fight with your girlfriend and you ask for advice. However I've known him since the third grade. He picked another of our friends, from highschool, to be his best man. His fiancee turned to me and said, "It's too bad you're not a guy we are one short on groomsmen." I just ignored her. I was invited to the engagement brunch where matt (the best man) and I were introduced to the others as,"These are dennis best friends-Matt the Best man and Richelle. I figured maybe I'd get to do a reading, as we are catholic. Nope, I was in the middle of a conversation about the readings and I suggested one. So Fiance and Groomscousin had to, "Go talk about the service." In the other room. It really sucks.

 

[bumbershoot]

We had uneven numbers in our wedding, but many people refuse to do that. So they ask people they aren't close to, or can't ask people they are. Perhaps that is one reason.

Or perhaps she has a definite vision of what a b'maid will be doing for her, and with your time and money committments, she feels you wouldn't be able to do that for her.

Or maybe she just wants you to be her friend, rather than on the "inside" causing her stress (my b'maids caused me incredible stress, and all I wanted them to "do" for me was to be an ear, like they always had been, to talk to while going through the planning, but all they did was dismiss me, b/c they had gotten married years before and were "over" the whole thing...AND they had their mothers doing everything, making all the decisions, and just had no clue how hard it *could* be, when you're almost all alone). So you'll get to hear about how stressed her b'maids are making her.


Perhaps you could just ask her. I know that some people refuse to ask brides *anything* before weddings because they are stressed, but I would have welcomed questions if I confused anyone! But a simple "hey I was wondering why I'm not a b'maid" is a valid question, and I think you could ask that of her.


Now about this earning money so you can get married and move out and start your own life thing...I moved out of my parents house at 17 to start my OWN life, it can be done, if living at home is causing you too much stress!

 

[Poohnatic]

Thanks for all the replies.
I know the friendship is more important and this certainly was a kick in the pants to make work less of an all consuming priority. Maybe in the long run, it helped teach me that lesson, despite how much this hurts. Everyone seems to have had bridesmaids that faded away and friendships that lasted through situations like these. I really hope mine is one of them.

Very true.

It does take a little bit of time to get over the disappointment, that's for sure. I had Bride and Bridesmaid both 'inadvertently' IM stuff to me about the wedding, so I knew that they'd already spoken about the wedding-I wasn't asked. Hurt? Yeah, a bit. However, I was kind of relieved that I didn't have to spend money on a dress and the wedding festivities. I would have gladly done so, as she meant a lot to me as a person.

I think it was a sign that my friendship wasn't as important to her as hers had been to me. I enjoyed attending as a guest. Now I look at it as a closure, as we haven't had anything contact save for one email since the wedding.

Another friend called me to APOLOGIZE that she wasn't having me in the wedding party, but I hadn't expect to be asked-their family tradition was for the sisters to be bridesmaids.

The only wedding I've ever been in (besides my own) was my younger sisters. When I was younger, it bothered me-now it's not a priority. My days of being a bridesmaid are passed-and that's okay.

Suzanne

 

[clh2]

Honestly I breethe a sigh of relief when I am not picked to be a bridesmaid! I just think of the 500+ I won't have to spend on a dress and shoes, the 500 I won't have to spend on the bridal shower, all the money I won't have to pay for my hair to be done,all the money I won't have to spring for to host a bachlorette party....and all the aggravation I WON'T have!

I agree 100%.

I was really disappointed (back to about 1982) when a good high school friend also made a similar decision. She even introduced me at her wedding to some of her friends as her "best friend". I never really got over that. And, I couldn't stand her groom, wonder if that had anything to do with her decision. The wedding was the last time I saw her or heard from her. (Read - there was no thank you note.)

 

[Mouse House Mama]

we are going through this right now with my DS. He is getting married next year and my DD is crushed that she is the guest book attendant. While we never talked about it with her, I know she assumed that she would be in the wedding party.

We are really talking up the whole guest book job as being so important, she is still really hurt.

I feel so bad for her. I think this is totally wrong. Siblings in my opinion shouldn't even need to be asked. It should be an automatic that they are in the wedding party. JMHO.

 

[aprilgail2]

we are going through this right now with my DS. He is getting married next year and my DD is crushed that she is the guest book attendant. While we never talked about it with her, I know she assumed that she would be in the wedding party.

We are really talking up the whole guest book job as being so important, she is still really hurt.

That is so not right. A sibling should be in the wedding party, not at some made up job like guest book attendant -which around here no one ever heard of, first time I heard of it was on here- I would actually be insulted that I am not important enough to be in the wedding so you figure you would throw me a bone and let me be keeper of the book....

 

[FergieTCat]

A good friend of mine didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid because I'm Jewish and she was married in a Catholic church. She told me that her church wouldn't accept anyone outside of her religion being in her wedding party.

We are still friends, but I always wonder if her explanation is true or her way of sparing my feelings.

 

[Stacerita]

I can understand you feeling disappointed and maybe a bit hurt. If it was me, I would be be happy to not be in the wedding party. You aren't bound by any have tos at the reception. You get to dance when you want, you don't have to wear an ugly dress, you don't have to be at the church hours ahead of time. You are free from a ton of financial obligations. And you actually get to enjoy the reception.

I was MOH for my best friend, and it was rough. I was happy she asked me, and wouldn't think of not being in her wedding. But just thinking of how much it cost me, the time I spent doing stuff for the wedding. Having to be somewhere at 9am the day of the wedding when it didn't actually start until 6pm was hard. Plus, I had to dance when I was expected to, toast when they needed me to, and be there when she needed help holding up her dress in the potty room. Being a bridesmaid is not glamorous at all. Be happy you dont' have to.

 

[jaimee1024]

When my best friend got married, I had just graduated from college and was working sporadically as a substitute teacher while I interviewed for teaching jobs. She had actually "officially" gotten married at the JOP the summer before...a ceremony I witnessed. But they decided to have a "real" wedding the next spring. Well...she picked a bridesmaid dress that was $200. (this was 18 years ago) I didn't have it and told her that I couldn't afford it. Silly me...I thought maybe she'd rethink the dress. But instead she sounded relieved because since I backed out she could ask the girlfriend of her husband's best friend. I was so hurt. I even thought that maybe she would ask me to do something else...a reading at the ceremony or something like that. I got nothing...nothing but an invitation like every other guest. I didn't get to go to the rehearsal dinner and also wasn't invited out with the other members of the wedding party after the reception ( a lot of them were also my good friends). I felt like a total outcast and it strained our relationship for quite awhile. I got married three years later and by then she had two children and lived 800 miles away. We were ok by then, but she was going to be in her sister's wedding two weeks after mine so I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, but I did invite her to the rehearsal dinner as an "out of town" guest. Fast forward fifteen years...we are still the best of friends. We haven't even lived near each other in those fifteen years...but we are closer than ever. So...I guess my point is that your friendship can survive this. Her wedding is her day. Yours will be yours. Don't NOT ask her just because she didn't ask you. If you truly want her to be your bridesmaid...ask her. I know you feel hurt...but it will pass.

 

[disykat]

I feel so bad for her. I think this is totally wrong. Siblings in my opinion shouldn't even need to be asked. It should be an automatic that they are in the wedding party. JMHO.

It's my opinion that there should be no assumptions made by anyone about the wedding. I had my sister as my "attendant", I did not have dh's sister (who lived almost 3000 miles away and I met the day before the wedding BTW), nor did I have my best friend, nor did I have my roommate or any of my other friends. I would have been pretty irritated if people told me I did my wedding wrong because I didn't have a row of bridesmaids.

People's weddings are a very individual choice and I can't think of anything that should be automatically assumed. I have known many people who did not have all their siblings in their wedding, and very few who had their opposite sex siblings in them.

 

[OneThingRemains]

I'm the back up plan. Which was even more insulting, at least for me. She originally didn't ask me to be in the wedding, and then she got into a fight with one of her bridesmaids and kicked her out of the wedding and decided I was good enough I guess. It didn't exactly give me the warm fuzzy "yayshewantsmeinherwedding" feeling.

So... I guess my words of consolation are be happy you're not the reject bridesmaid?


Doesn't sound very comforting when its worded like that.

 

[Snow_White]

I personally think people get too bent out of shape about things like this. It's not your wedding, plain and simple. I'm sure there is a good reason for every decision, you just might not know what it is. These types of decisions are SUPER hard on the bride and groom anyway, so don't make it even harder by being a poor sport about it. When it's your wedding, do what you want. Besides, being a bridesmaid really isn't too much fun (and the $$$--yuck!).

 

[annegal]

Well I got "demoted" in my situation!

Best friend got engaged right after high School & asked me to be Maid of Honor. In the next year we went to different colleges and were not as close as before. She got close to "Sue" whose boyfriend was going to be Best man. My friend wrote me to say "It would look better in the wedding pictures for Sue to be Maid of Honor because they were "a couple"!

Oh well....she divorced a couple years later and we lost touch.

 

[Keli]

I sure can see why you are hurting over this but you are doing the right thing in going to the shower and wedding as if everything is fine. It's hard when things like this happen but taking a lesson out of it like you mentioned is the best thing you can do. I'm not sure how much consolation it will be but I think you are doing the right thing here.

 

[Becky2005]

That is so not right. A sibling should be in the wedding party, not at some made up job like guest book attendant -which around here no one ever heard of, first time I heard of it was on here- I would actually be insulted that I am not important enough to be in the wedding so you figure you would throw me a bone and let me be keeper of the book....

I completely disagree with this. Here it's not out of the ordinary to have a guest book attendant so I wouldn't consider it a "made up job". I guess it all depends on where you live. If it was not the custom of where I lived, then yes I could see it being thought that way. We asked DH older cousin to do it.
I can see how the DD would be upset not being a bridesmaid but I don't think doing the guest book would be offensive, at least here that IS considered being part of the wedding.

My brother wasn't asked to be a groomsman when I got married. He was an usher. However, since it is up to the bride to be also who she wants as a bridesmaid, I don't think she should be forced to have a sibling. Might be a nice gesture but not forced.

I asked my future SIL to be a bridesmaid, she turned me down. I was fine with that as I really only asked her because she was DH's sister but I really had no big desire for her to be a bridesmaid. I am in no way assuming my DD will be a bridesmaid in all 3 of her brother's weddings, nor will I assume any of them will be groomsman in her wedding.

On the other hand, my brother got married the same year I did (me May, him August), I was not asked to be in his wedding either. As a matter of fact, I was just a guest there. I wasn't asked to do anything. You know what, I wasn't offended in the least.

I didn't even really think about it. They each had 1 attendant and it was their best friends.