Not chosen to be a bridesmaid - anyone ever disappointed like me?

[It's A Happy Day]

I can relate to how you are feeling. My situation was my brother & his wife - I was friends with her before they dated, while they dated, and now after the divorce When the wedding was being planned I had kind of assumed I would be asked to be a bridesmaid - we were friends & I was a sibling. Not only was I NOT asked but come wedding day there is not 1 picture of all of us together - I specifically asked my brother if me & my sister should hang around for pictures as usually there are pictures of each side of the family and was told "we weren't needed!" So not only was I left out but my sister was as well - no guest book attendant, no reading, not even a picture!

My advice is that if it is really bothering you, can you discreetly as one of the bridesmaids (your other friend(s) why she decided to exclude you. I suspect it is something simple and easily explained like your busy schedule and she didn't want to further burden you but being honest is never a bad policy.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i was friends with someone who kind of did the same thing.

we were really close friends for like 5 years and she decided to have people that she really didn't even talk to anymore, from high school, in her wedding. i got over it quickly tho, but it's a long story of her turning into a tramp the few weeks leading up to her wedding and me eventually thinking "i wouldn't want to be in her wedding, anyway. it's a sham"

 

[cancer_survivor_06]

I can truely understand your disappointment. My best friend from high school and MOH got married and she did not ask me to be in her wedding. We did drift apart but did chat here and there so I really didn't mind that much that she might have chose not to ask me to be in her wedding but what really upset me was that not only did she not ask me she didn't invite me or tell she was getting married. She helped my mom plan my baby shower she came to the hospital and all of those things when I had my baby she didn't even tell me this either I made several efforts to do things with her and just chat with her I didn't even see her daughter till she was 1. This was very upsetting to me I know I don't talk to her much but a simple invite would have been nice.

 

[jemiaule]

My best guy friend got engaged and I know I shouldn't expect to be a bridesmaid, because he's a guy. I'm just the friend you call when you are having a fight with your girlfriend and you ask for advice. However I've known him since the third grade. He picked another of our friends, from highschool, to be his best man. His fiancee turned to me and said, "It's too bad you're not a guy we are one short on groomsmen." I just ignored her. I was invited to the engagement brunch where matt (the best man) and I were introduced to the others as,"These are dennis best friends-Matt the Best man and Richelle. I figured maybe I'd get to do a reading, as we are catholic. Nope, I was in the middle of a conversation about the readings and I suggested one. So Fiance and Groomscousin had to, "Go talk about the service." In the other room. It really sucks.

Aw man, that really stinks. A few years ago a friends of ours got married and her closest friend for years is a guy and he is/was also very good friends with the groom. They decided to say screw tradition and asked him to be the brides MOH - Man of Honor.

 

[JamieW]

My so-called best friend did the same thing to me a few years ago, and, to be perfectly honest, I'm still not over it completely. I cried after finally realizing I wasn't going to be asked (when she called and asked to meet for lunch so she could give me my invitation).

I honestly did not mind not being in the wedding. It was the fact that she never told me I wouldn't be in the wedding that upset me. And then she seemed surprised that I was upset, and that I had the guts to do what she couldn't do.

I asked her about it and she told me that she could only have 3 attendants b/c her husband only had 3 and she asked our other friend (who I knew she was closer to so I didn't mind), a childhood friend she rarely talked to anymore but she'd been in her wedding so she felt obligated to ask her, and her cousin who her family had pressured her into asking. Fine, whatever. But please don't complain to me about how your cousin couldn't/wouldn't pay for her dress and other stuff and didn't bother to show up for your bridal shower that I co-hosted with the MOH.

Of course, I didn't bother to mention the conversations we'd had over the years about being in each other's wedding.

All I ask is that if you're going to do an adult thing like get married, be an adult and have an awkward conversation. If you have reasons for not asking, just tell the other person, especially when you know good and well she's expecting to be asked.

If my friend had told me what was going on, I would have been a little hurt, but I would have gotten over it b/c I appreciate honesty and the position her family put her in. Instead, she chose the cowardly route.

I no longer refer to her as my best friend. We're still friends and talk a lot (heck, we even went to WDW together), but she let me know where our relationship stood by her actions.

Just my $.02. I so understand where you're coming from, OP.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

It's my opinion that there should be no assumptions made by anyone about the wedding. I had my sister as my "attendant", I did not have dh's sister (who lived almost 3000 miles away and I met the day before the wedding BTW), nor did I have my best friend, nor did I have my roommate or any of my other friends. I would have been pretty irritated if people told me I did my wedding wrong because I didn't have a row of bridesmaids.

People's weddings are a very individual choice and I can't think of anything that should be automatically assumed. I have known many people who did not have all their siblings in their wedding, and very few who had their opposite sex siblings in them.

If you only had your sister and not a bunch of bridesmaids then that makes sense. BUT- if you had 10 bridesmaids, flower girls etc., than I feel that family comes before friends. When we got married it worked out because I have a sister and dh has a brother. That is all we had as attendants. If I had a big bridal party and my dh had a sister and I didn't ask her I think that would be rude. Regardless of whether you are close with the sibling or not, they are still your dh's siblings. I just think that is the right thing to do. To not include them would be hurtful and I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to include them. A marriage isn't just 2 people getting together, it is the joining of 2 families. Maybe I feel differently because we are close with both our families and we all even spend holidays together. I do know that all my friends were the same way when it came to their weddings. I am not trying to be rude so if it comes off that way please forgive me. It's hard to write with the inflection that you mean.

 

[mickeyboat]

Yes. It has happened to me before. I am over it, now.

Denae

 

[SydSim]

I understand the people have their feelings hurt during these occasions. While not diminishing their feelings, sometimes I feel that the focus of the occasion is forgotten. The wedding is about two people getting married. I know that their family and friends want to be involved, but it's really not about what they want.

I am guilty of this as well. When a friend of mine got married years ago, I had a fit because i wasn't asked to be the maid of honor. Forward 15 years when I got married. I was so upset when DH's sister was giving us drama. I kept thinking "but, it's not about her!" Then I remembered all of the drama that I gave my friend years ago.

I talked with my old friend and apologized profusely for my behavior.

Yes, it is hard to be left out.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

ooo i have the totaly opposite feeling! my sister is supposed to be getting married next year and i hoping hoping hoping she doesn't ask me!! i really can't stand being in weddings! haha! SO if i were skipped over even by my best friends (they are still single) i would be breathing a HUGE sigh of relief!!

 

[froglady]

I feel so bad for her. I think this is totally wrong. Siblings in my opinion shouldn't even need to be asked. It should be an automatic that they are in the wedding party. JMHO.

Really? I'm the only girl and when one of my brothers had the full, blown out wedding, I wasn't in the wedding party....but all of her sisters and cousins were. (As were my brothers) Granted, I was living 1000 miles away, so that may have had something to do with it. The other brothers had very simple, small ceremonies. I was actually disinvited as a bridesmaid when a pregnancy caused the date to be moved up. (Back in the days when you would NOT have a big wedding if the bride were pregnant, and you rushed to make sure the baby was born in wedlock.) The other two had lived together for a while, and again, you didn't have a big event in those circumstances. (Couples living together while engaged ...with a ring and a date...were allowed a bit more leeway as long as there were no pregnancies)

When I was married, I did not ask any of my husband's 4 sisters to be in the wedding party, as I only wanted 3 bridesmaids. None of MY brothers were in the wedding party, either.

Quite frankly, I didn't want 4 bridesmaids...PLUS a couple of my friends. Neither did DH.

I was always under the assumption that the bride and groom chose people who were close to THEM, not to their future spouses. Is it a good idea to include family members if at all possible? Of course. Would there have been hard feelings if we chose only a couple of siblings, and excluded the rest? You bet.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

Honestly I breethe a sigh of relief when I am not picked to be a bridesmaid! I just think of the 500+ I won't have to spend on a dress and shoes, the 500 I won't have to spend on the bridal shower, all the money I won't have to pay for my hair to be done,all the money I won't have to spring for to host a bachlorette party....and all the aggravation I WON'T have!

I was never even in a wedding party and I have to agree!! This past December DBF was the best man in his best friends wedding. All the crap he had to go through (and all the money he had to spend) put me off from ever wanting to be in a wedding party. He couldn't even enjoy the first half of the reception because he had to take pictures (which even the bride and groom thought were excessive) and he had to stand on pins and needles waiting for his time to give his toast. I was even invited along to the rehearsal dinner, which I thought was very nice of them. BUT...it was a weekday night and the whole dinner was just for the bride and grooms families to try to out-do each other. It lasted until way too late and was rude to most of the guests who had a long drive home and work early in the morning. Honostly, it was a pain.

I understand the dissappointment from not being asked, I'd probably feel the same way. But then I'd look back on DBF's fiasco and realize that I am the lucky one. The bride probably has a good reason. It honostly sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and she probably thought it would burden you. Maybe she didn't say anything because she thought it would cause un-needed drama.

Also be happy you weren't asked (well yet anyway) to be in the bridal party 3 days before the wedding!! A week before the wedding I just described, another friend of DBF's was getting married on a Saturday morning. The Wednesday night before the wedding, DBF along with 4 others were asked to be groomsmen! Thank goodness he just had to wear a suit. That wedding was interesting to say the least, and the short notice was just par for the course.

 

[SydSim]

When I got married, I had one of my 4 sisters, one of DH's two sisters and two of my nieces as bridesmaids. I had one of my sisters coordinate. I asked Dh's other sister to meet and greet guests at the reception. She caused too much drama with this choice, so I gave the job to my remaining sister. I reiterate, it wasn't supposed to be about her. I didn't have a problem with not having all of our siblings in the wedding party - but apparently she did.

 

[mickeyboat]

I'm back to report again.

The only wedding I have ever been in is my Dad's. I was his Best Woman, and it was great! Dad's wife's mother stood up for her.

When I got married, I wanted three bridesmaids. My MOH and I got into a huge argument about 6 months before the wedding, and I did not replace her, I just asked another bridesmaid to step into the MOH role.

I was asked to be in a wedding in the middle of my first year of law school. It was during exams, and while I initially agreed, I had to back out because it was just going to be impossible to study/reschedule exams. I feel really bad even now that I backed out on her.

The wedding where I was not asked to be a bridesmaid, I was hurt, but I completely understand that she could not ask everyone. She did ask my girls to be flower girls, but I ended up saying no. They were only 2 and 3 at the time, and the wedding was out of town. I originally planned on having my MIL come with us to watch the kids after the ceremony, but she passed away two months before the wedding. I was pretty concerned about how the kids would react and behave at the wedding, and didn't want them to ruin it for her.

Denae

 

[Ariel Wanna-be]

ooo i have the totaly opposite feeling! my sister is supposed to be getting married next year and i hoping hoping hoping she doesn't ask me!! i really can't stand being in weddings! haha! SO if i were skipped over even by my best friends (they are still single) i would be breathing a HUGE sigh of relief!!

Those are my feelings exactly!

I've been a brideslave, I mean bridesmaid, waaaay too many times. OP, I'd get down on my knees and thank GOD that I was passed over. Think of it this way, you'll get to enjoy the wedding & reception without the "privilage" of paying several hundred dollasrs to do so..

 

[Hannahsmom]

I have always thought that something like a wedding shows who your "true" friends are. I know your feelings are hurt right now, I've been there too, but really in the grand scheme of things will this really matter next year? Or in five years? Go to her wedding looking like a million bucks, drink the free booze, eat the free food and have a ball. But if I were you, she wouldn't even be on my radar when it comes time to pick bridesmaids for my wedding. On the flip side, when you do get married, elope. Bridesmaids are a PIA.

 

[cryssi]

I had a dilemma when picking bridesmaids. I had always told my good friend in college that she would be in my wedding. However, I rarely talk to her these days. DH also had a friend from HS that he said would be in his wedding, but hasn't talked to him either in a long time. We made the decision to only have family members in our wedding party, since he's very close with his family, and wanted his cousins in it. I had no problem with that, and had my sister as MOH and cousin as BM. I felt bad about not asking my friend, and she ended up not coming to the wedding (we are on opposite coasts so there may have been other factors involved). As it turns out, we ended up having 1 non-family member in our wedding party b/c my brother, who was to be a groomsman, ended up getting shipped out to the middle east the week before the wedding! (don't even get me started). Anyway, that was the deal.

I've never been a bridesmaid, even though I'd love to, because I don't have any friends...well no friends who are getting married that would consider me to be in their bridal party. It's too bad b/c I love weddings and wedding planning! My good friend from high school (really the only person I talk to from HS now) is getting married in October, and I'm helping her out with ideas, etc. but am not in her wedding. She's up north, though, so it wouldn't be practical anyway!

I have another friend getting married in May that I used to work with. I've offered my help numerous times and have been politely rejected every time. Darn. lol

Anyway, I guess it's hard not to be disappointed, but just try to help if she wants you to and enjoy the wedding...

 

[Chicago526]

I understand. I was a little disapointed in not being chosen for my friend's wedding this fall, especially since I've seen the dresses she picked for the BM's and they are actually NICE!

But I'm already in another wedding this summer, so I get to play "dress-up" then. The wedding in the fall I'll just be a guest, and that's fun too. Plus my friend is still going to have me help with some wedding related things, so I'm still involved!

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I was a little miffed when my older cousin got married and didn't ask me, but had all of her college friends and one of her other cousins (on her mother's side) in her bridal party. I'd thought we were really close, but apparently not close enough. That was in '96. Then I was the MOH for my best friend in '97, and I was quite relieved in the years since when other friends and cousins got married and didn't ask me! I have a friend getting married in August and I'm happy that she didn't ask.

 

[DISUNC]

Just a is all I have to offer!

 

[bookgirl]

I feel for you

I've had the same best friend since birth, literally. We have stayed best friends for 40 years. I was not in her wedding. We had always talked about being each others MOH, you know how little girls are, so I expected to be in the wedding. She felt that she had to have her sister be her MOH. I was hurt but I accepted her explanation and was still happy for her. However I "got" to throw her shower since that was a "best friend" duty not a MOH one, oh and I got stuck behind a cake for the reception because she wanted me to be "in" her wedding. Not that I was acknowledged at all, no pictures, no thank you, nothing but this was her way of feeling like she had made me part of it. I understood the sister thing (though it hurt since we've always refered to each other as sisters), but spending money to throw her shower and then not getting to enjoy the reception because I had to monitor cake. I really didn't feel like I could refuse because I loved her and she was my friend. That tee'ed me off. Still does, but she's my best friend and I love her. I have never married, but honestly I don't know that I could ask her to be in my wedding since I felt that I was insulted. I only did the not really in the wedding party cruise once more (yes I got suckered in again for another "really" good friend a few years later only this time I was the reception hostess so I really didn't get to enjoy any part of the party because everytime I turned around I had another crisis to fix). Now I decline any invitations that go "oh we really want you to be at the wedding and by the way could you....."

That bitterly being said, you do get over it. We have each other and we've always been there. Her children are my family, and they love me. I love them and it hurt but we don't ever talk about it, because none of that is worth the loss of our friendship.