My kids are not allowed to date until college

[tlbwriter]

Do you mean... there are people here who can't take a joke?

 

[DisneyScraps]

Do you mean... there are people here who can't take a joke?

ohhhhh please there are a LOT of them kinda of sad dontcha ya think?

 

[Tiger926]

I think some of this depends on how you define dating. Most 13/14 yr olds that I know (and I have a 14 yr old DS and an almost 13 yr old DD) don't date in the true sense of the word. In their mnds, some of them have a "boyfriend," but their definition of boyfriend is almost funny to me. Dating means they like eachother and walk down the hall together at school...maybe sit together at lunch. They might go out in groups or possibly go to eachother's house for what amounts to a play-date. I think it is ridiculous to try and tell a 14 yr old that they cannot do this. Its virtually impossible to enforce it and the kids are probably going to do this regardless of whether you know it or not (unless you go to school with them).

As for asking for trouble.....I take the opposite view. I think you are asking for trouble if you try to stomp out all forms of dating. I think kids need to be taught self discipline and they need to be taught how to behave by taking baby steps. I think there is a risk for much more serious trouble if you reach 18 and don't have the social experiences to have learned from. Like so many people on this board, I know a few kids that had really over-the-top strict parents and all of them did freak out when they finally had some independence. I'm sure there are also kids that had no rules that also got themselves into trouble. As usually, middle of the road is probably best...reasonable rules, appropriate supervision and LOTS of talking.

My oldest 2 kids (the 14 and almost 13 yr old): The 14 yr old is definitely not dating. The 13 yr old has a boy that she likes and he likes her. That's about as far as that has gone. My DD has been to his house a few times and played video games with him and his younger brother...lol. They hang out in school and at school events witha really nice group of kids (boys and girls). I'm glad it is staying so basic. I have not had to consider setting any rules yet, since they have not pushed for anything...but I take advantage of any chance I get to keep communication flowing with my DD (car rides, dinner, or anytime she brings a topic up).

Jess

There are other ways to learn self discipline than by dating. Dating involves serious emotional swings, self esteem issues and internal conflicts with trying to please parents, self, etc., so 14 year olds do not need any of this. It's hard enough being 14, let alone having to deal with dating. Yikes! I really and truly don't get the North American fascination with letting young kids date - why do they need to have boy/girl friends at young ages? Why foster the attitude of exclusivity in kids that young? With exclusivity, you are more than likely going to get kids pressuring each other, in all different areas, especially if they date for awhile. I just don't get it...

This was me exactly! I sub in a 5/6 building and I'm always telling girls you don't NEED a boyfriend at that age. I think the kids really feel the need to be grown up and unfortunately either the parents don't care or encourage it. Whenever someone says that "all kids do that" and its unrealistic to expect otherwise, I disagree, because I did it. You don't HAVE to drink, smoke, date, sex, etc. Like Tiger, I'm sure I'm in the minority with that, but as a parent, you can darn well not throw up your hands and say "its what kids do." I've heard waaay too many parents just give up because they are going to do what they do. They very might, but with guidence, they might not. That's what the parents in the OP post are trying to do. I hope they are not just saying no, but offering explanations as to why its better to wait and consequences of not waiting.
Jessica
Jessica

I think many parents would disagree with you that allowing a 14 year old to date is asking for trouble. You can be attentive, involved, and have a child that is mature and responsible enough to date at 14. I don't see the problem with a 14 year old having a BF/GF if they are being suitably monitored. Kids at this age typically have parent drop offs and pick ups for dates and many are required to date with a group. I don't see this as irresponsible, inattentive parenting or "asking for trouble". I think saying "you cannot date" and assuming the child will comply is in effect burying your head in the sand. As soon as they are off with a group of "friends" they will be wityh BF/GF. I would much rather know who my child is seeing and be able to monitor the situation. I want to be able to talk to her about what is going on and be able to guide her along the right path rather than have her sneaking around behind my back, which WILL eventually happen unless you lock them in thier room until they finish college.

Just wondering, what does suitably monitored mean? If kids are dropped off somewhere, and then picked up by a parent, then how are they being suitably monitored?

Since you have already determined that your kids will sneak around, then they more than likely will. You have just set yourself up for failure in that respect. Why not expect more from your kids? I really don't get this line of parenting at all...No, not all kids drink, have sex and take drugs in rebellion of parental rules. Do you seriously believe this?

As I stated above, you will not convince me that any 14 year olds need to date. Dating is fraught with issues, and so that's not necessary for kids at that age, IMHO. Most 14 year olds I know struggle greatly with just balancing school, work, family, church, sports, etc., so you throw dating in there, and oh boy! Being a teenager is hard enough, so why add more pressure to it?

This discussion is really interesting...I can't believe the amount of parents who absolutely 100% are expecting their kids to sneak around. Not all teenagers are rebels, and not all teenagers who have stricter rules and expectations are losing their minds and acting like freaks. As a highschool teacher, this attitude is really frightening to me...Basically following your theory, you are letting your kids date young, so as to stop them from sneaking around and disobeying, because all kids do this. Huh?

Self discipline can be learned from actually having rules and expecatations, and being expected to live by them. Why not expect more from your kids, as they may surprise you?

Tiger

 

[wvjules]

Do you mean... there are people here who can't take a joke?

ohhhhh please there are a LOT of them kinda of sad dontcha ya think?

Ok, I'm obviously missing something. Was the PP a joke? If so I must have missed that insuation. I'm one of the few here that actually can take a joke and don't get offended when the breeze blows the wrong way.

 

[DisneyScraps]

Ok, I'm obviously missing something. Was the PP a joke? If so I must have missed that insuation. I'm one of the few here that actually can take a joke and don't get offended when the breeze blows the wrong way.

It's been an ongoing joke with my friend. Her son is a year and a half older. We started to conspire when they were 1 and 2 and half...wouldn't it be fun if they got married. Of course I know that would probably never happen but it's a fun joke.

The funny part of that was my line about planing the wedding. My DD and i love to do marathons of Say Yes To The Dress and at 10 she will tell you exactly the wedding dress she wants......raising a Bridezilla.....possibly. So the big joke is when I say I get to plan her wedding.

 

[Goofyluver]

I have always told my DD that she can date AFTER she is married. I have her future husband all picked out. The handsome son of a good friend of mine. They will make BEAUTIFUL children

Every time they see each other which is once every few years we take their picture because won't that be cute at the wedding.

The best part is my friend and i will get to plan the wedding!

It's been an ongoing joke with my friend. Her son is a year and a half older. We started to conspire when they were 1 and 2 and half...wouldn't it be fun if they got married. Of course I know that would probably never happen but it's a fun joke.

The funny part of that was my line about planing the wedding. My DD and i love to do marathons of Say Yes To The Dress and at 10 she will tell you exactly the wedding dress she wants......raising a Bridezilla.....possibly. So the big joke is when I say I get to plan her wedding.

Ohhhhh! An arranged marriage!

Maybe you can barter with your friend...or offer up a dowery with your daughter. If he marries her, he'll get a herd of cattle or somethin'...ya' know, like they do in some other countries.