My kids are not allowed to date until college

[MusiqChic99]

Now that would bother me. My mother always wanted to meet the boys I was dating. She said that a boy has to know he's picking a girl up from a nice house and a nice family. He has to know that it is his responsibility to treat her well and bring her back to the house. I know it's rather old fashioned, but I always asked (not demanded) that my DD18 do the same. It has worked out pretty well.

Then again DD18 is fairly compliant. DD12 never met a rule she didn't immediately want to break. We will see what happens with her.

I understand that. But I never took HS boyfriends that seriously. I never had the issues most girls "think" they have today. It was all about friends and just having fun. When I met my serious college boyfriend, he met my parents right away, but I was serious about him and I wanted him involved in my family life. He was very close to my family too.

And I was like your DD18, I was a very easy kid. My sister on the other hand tested my parents every chance she got. Her boyfriends had to always be approved and well...they never were.

 

[FireDancer]

And I was like your DD18, I was a very easy kid. My sister on the other hand tested my parents every chance she got. Her boyfriends had to always be approved and well...they never were.

And I'm sure once they didn't approve she never saw them again, right?

 

[punkin]

And I'm sure once they didn't approve she never saw them again, right?

Actually of all the boys I ever brought home, my mother only ever disapproved of one. At that point I stopped dating him.

 

[jp24]

I'm only here because my grandmother forbade my mom to date my dad at 16. My mom made it so she had to see my dad. That's how it goes with teens. I'm not forbidding my kids from much. But then again, they talk to me about everything.

 

[Uncle Remus]

This was me exactly! I sub in a 5/6 building and I'm always telling girls you don't NEED a boyfriend at that age. I think the kids really feel the need to be grown up and unfortunately either the parents don't care or encourage it. Whenever someone says that "all kids do that" and its unrealistic to expect otherwise, I disagree, because I did it. You don't HAVE to drink, smoke, date, sex, etc. Like Tiger, I'm sure I'm in the minority with that, but as a parent, you can darn well not throw up your hands and say "its what kids do." I've heard waaay too many parents just give up because they are going to do what they do. They very might, but with guidence, they might not. That's what the parents in the OP post are trying to do. I hope they are not just saying no, but offering explanations as to why its better to wait and consequences of not waiting.
Jessica
Jessica

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

I keep tellin' our 14 yr old he doesn't need a girlfriend.

 

[jp24]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

I keep tellin' our 14 yr old he doesn't need a girlfriend.

I think it's a maturity issue. For example, my 14 son is mature enough for a girlfriend. He could totally handle one, although he doesn't have one.

My 11 year old will probably not be mature enough to have one at 14, even though he'll probably want one. He has girls chasing him now. But I'm not mandating he doesn't have a girlfriend. We will talk about it and lay down the ground rules. Follow the ground rules and you can have whatever you want.

 

[MusiqChic99]

And I'm sure once they didn't approve she never saw them again, right?

She married one of them, had 2 kids.

12 years later still together.

I won't go into major details but she should have listened to my parents.

 

[Momvic5]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

I keep tellin' our 14 yr old he doesn't need a girlfriend.

Me too! So far - so good! Now if I could only get the girls at school to believe that too....

 

[rszdtrvl]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

I keep tellin' our 14 yr old he doesn't need a girlfriend.

I tell my 14 year old son the same thing. He is more hung up about friends and socialization than his grades. I see big trouble in high school next year. The LAST thing he needs right now is a girlfriend. I would prefer he waits until he is 16, and have told him so.

 

[ckay87]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

I keep tellin' our 14 yr old he doesn't need a girlfriend.

I told my boys that too...."why subject yourself to that aggravation?!" But if they did decide they "need" a girlfriend (and they did), I wanted it to be at my house or within my sight. Forbidding it would have just assured that it remained hidden.

 

[LukenDC]

I think that parents who force their own values on their children once those children are adults are WAY overstepping their boundaries. Now, parents should be able to make rules for what can and cannot happen in the family home. But trying to control a child's personal life once that individual has turned 18 and moved out is just wrong. People learn and develop through experimentation and simply living life. That involves making mistakes and meeting a wide range of people from different backgrounds.

There is a fine line between the healthy, protective parent and the unhealthy, controlling parent.

 

[Mrs. Sojourner]

It is posts like this that make me so glad I don't live in the U.S. so I don't have to deal with what everyone else thinks is right or wrong, only what I think is best for my kids.

I think it depends on the culture of where the kids are raised, to be honest. It would be really easy holding these rules in Kenya or India.

But in America, our teens are expected to date and to create friendships and test the waters and NOT have marriages made for them; they have to learn to stand on their own and create their own lives. That is our culture. You really can't/shouldn't/wouldn't expect to raise a child with cultural differences surrounding them.

I agree with this, but in any culture you are in there are still social pressures (thought they may be different) not to mention all teens everywhere have hormones. Also, who says that the culure you live in should dictate how you raise your children? That is absolutely ridiculous. So, if you live in a culture where female circumcision is the norm, that's the way you should go? You have to realize how very opposite Western culture is to many other cultures. (That in it self is a whole other topic.) So, though families might move to the U.S., learn langugae, and acclimate in many ways, that does not/should not mean that they acclimate to all Western culture. There are many things that they would want to hold onto of their own culture and I can only imagine that the way they raise their children would be high on that list. Can anyone blame them?

Yes, since I spend all day in a high school, I see a lot of everything:

I've seen families who forbid dating during high school. These families tend to be conservative in other ways too, and it absolutely works for some of them.

I've seen kids who would be allowed to date but don't. Some do this because they see dating as a way to choose a mate, not simply to have fun on a Friday night; thus, they aren't interested in going out casually with someone whom they know isn't "right" for them. Some don't date because they just aren't asked out (or aren't accepted when they ask a girl out).

For families who set limits, the MOST COMMON rule seems to be no "car dating" 'til you're 16. Personally, I think this is a pretty good rule. 16 seems to be an emotional milestone for kids; they take a huge step forward in maturity around 16.

I agree it depends on a lot of factors. Each family and each kid is different.

I can't stand the whole idea that if you forbid people, they will go crazy. Sorry, I don't buy it. It has to do with one's personality. I wasn't allowed to date, smoke, drink or take drugs, and guess what? I didn't date until I was 21, and still have never had a drink, smoke or drugs. It was my choice not to do those things, and I am glad I did not.

Many of my highschool students were allowed to date at very young ages, and they were all pregnant at very young ages, so it all depends upon the person, their upbringing, and their experiences as to how they are going to handle adult activities.

Honestly, I think most of society lets kids grow up way too fast. Young teens under 16, really don't need to be dating, but I'm pretty much in the minority on that one...

If this works for the OP's friend and their children, then it's not for any of us to pass judgment. Just because those kids can't date, it doesn't mean they are going to sneak around at all. I never did...

Tiger

How old are this mom's kids? Its really easy to have a five year old and make all the, "When my kid is ____ age, they're not going to have or do ____" rules.

I grew up in the bible belt, and most of the kids that weren't allowed to date were the children of really religious parents. What happened with those kids after high school was that they got married at 18, moved in with their new spouse and got pregnant and/or divorced very very quickly.

There's a lot to be said for dating experience, in my opinion.

I doubt that the divorce rate of the kids you mention is very different to the ones who dated and married later.

What if the the daughter turns out to be gay? Then what? She can't have any friends at all?

Don't get me wrong I understand education is important. But so is socialization. Because in my experience, it's usually not what you can do - but who you know.

You can only get socialization if you date as a teen?

This is exactly how I was raised, and am raising my children. Education is very important, and so is socialization, but there are other types of socializations besides dating. We are a busy family, with lots of events and activities going on, and even though my kids are young, my almost 8 year old does ask once in awhile, when she will be allowed to date, how do you date, etc? We talk about it being an event that happens differently for each person - some peolpe are more mature and responsible than others, but no one in our home needs to be dating at 14 or even 15 years old.

Dating is very problematic for teens, period. So, you let 14 year olds do it, and you are asking for trouble. I also don't get the fascination with allowing kids to date at very young ages either - why do they need that type of relationship in their lives at that young of an age?Waiting until 21 is an older age, and I should clarify, that my parents didn't say I had to wait until 21 - it just worked out that way. They told us no dating under 16, and after that, it was up for discussion. I was a shy girl, and very busy with school, church, etc. I was also 1 - 1.5 years younger than my classmates due to starting school early and being skipped, so no need for me to be doing that. I was 13 in grade 9, and all of the boys were older than me.

I think there is nothing wrong with limits on kids, as it does teach self-control, but it has to be an ongoing process, like it was for me, and how it is in my house, and then it will have more of a chance of positive results. My sister was a rebel, but she knew how important it was to my parents that we not date at young ages, nor be in cars at that age (they didn't really let us go out with friends at night, so that was easy), and she proved herself to be mature and responsible, and she was allowed to date my brother in law at age 17.5 years old, and he's 6 years older than her. He worked for my parents, so we knew him, and all was very good in that situation.

I think parents need to be involved, and I see many parents not involved these days, so kids are dating at younger ages, and parents don't even know who they are dating, whereas with us, there was an age limit, and then there was discussion once that age limit of 16 was reached, about what the next steps were going to be. We also always knew what expectations our parents had of us. Sex and pregnancy was not an issue - my parents never forbid us from it at all, and in fact, they educated us about it very well. The big thing for my parents was drinking/drugs, as well as a driving. Dating was just something that could be problematic with both of those areas, as well as cause drama that we didn't need at that time of our lives.

Not all kids go crazy and freak out...they may do so because they aren't taught or respected enough through the whole process of growing up.

Tiger

Couldn't agree more.

 

[2disneyboys]

Now, I have told my boys they are not allowed to date until they get out of college (they are 8 and 11) does that "count?" (they also think college is required (like the rest of school) not optional)

Now, reality is that I know if a kid wants to do something bad enough they will. short of shackling them to the wall and slipping them a tray of food on occasion you really only have "control" of them as long as they are in your "control" aka immediate vicinity. As previous posters have commented, allot of it has to do with culture and personality & maturity. in America, obviously personality & maturity is the big thing. some kids will break a rule, not because they really want to do what the rule forbids, but just so they can show they "beat the system!" other kids, don't really need many rules, as they are allot more mellow and go w/ the flow type of people.

while my kids do NOT rule my house (as long as I have to stand in front of the judge with you and/or financially support you, it's my rules even if you don't understand them or they seem silly to you) I however, am not a very EXTREME kind of person I don't like absolutes.. there are always variations and circumstances to take into consideration when making rules and we try to apply this logic to our rules. There are some rules that are just that and you can just deal, but I am not so naive that I think my kids are going to always follow 100% of my rules 100% of the time. I try & instill the values in them, but ultimately, it will be their choice, and their consequences, YKWIM?

 

[DisneyScraps]

I have always told my DD that she can date AFTER she is married. I have her future husband all picked out. The handsome son of a good friend of mine. They will make BEAUTIFUL children

Every time they see each other which is once every few years we take their picture because won't that be cute at the wedding.

The best part is my friend and i will get to plan the wedding!

 

[jp24]

I have always told my DD that she can date AFTER she is married. I have her future husband all picked out. The handsome son of a good friend of mine. They will make BEAUTIFUL children

Every time they see each other which is once every few years we take their picture because won't that be cute at the wedding.

The best part is my friend and i will get to plan the wedding!

Good luck with that. LMK how that works out for you.

 

[hereyago]

My friend in high school, her parents felt this way. not a cultural thing, plus the DF told her she wouldn't be able to get anyone anyway. so no dating, so what did she do when she met a guy?

She would have one of us girls come over and say we were going to a movie, etc then leave together, she would go with her "friend" then meet up with one of us later.

At 18, she became pregnant. her parents still to this day do not know about the pregnancy, abortion. She would tell her parents she would get off work about an hour later then she really did, meet her boyfriend some place.

 

[tmarquez]

Too funny. This is exactly how my mom and her friend thought.

Guess what? We did end up getting married...and divorced. He ended up being JUST like his father (alcoholic and probably some mental issues as well)...why my mom thought that would be a good thing for me I'll never know (except for the cute grandkids thing).

Luckily I was smart enough not to have kids with him.

I have always told my DD that she can date AFTER she is married. I have her future husband all picked out. The handsome son of a good friend of mine. They will make BEAUTIFUL children

Every time they see each other which is once every few years we take their picture because won't that be cute at the wedding.

The best part is my friend and i will get to plan the wedding!

 

[wvjules]

I have always told my DD that she can date AFTER she is married. I have her future husband all picked out. The handsome son of a good friend of mine. They will make BEAUTIFUL children
Every time they see each other which is once every few years we take their picture because won't that be cute at the wedding.

The best part is my friend and i will get to plan the wedding!

How old are these kids now? The bolded is kinda disturbing.

 

[jp24]

How old are these kids now? The bolded is kinda disturbing.

Not only that, it's not necessarily true. I've seen plenty of beautiful couples that have produced some kids that weren't all that attractive to look at. And I've seen some couples that weren't anything special in the looks department have some gorgeous kids.

 

[wvjules]

Not only that, it's not necessarily true. I've seen plenty of beautiful couples that have produced some kids that weren't all that attractive to look at. And I've seen some couples that weren't anything special in the looks department have some gorgeous kids.

I don't want to think about my DD making babies. That skeeves me out! lol