My kids are not allowed to date until college

[KandD]

I wasn't allowed to date for most of high school (I think I could start dating when I was 16 and I graduated at 17). But I never followed the rule, I always had a boyfriend.

 

[DisneyAndRedSox]

Yes, I had a friend when I was younger whose family had a no-dating rule that was similar.

She was homeschooled (because her mother believed she should only be exposed to fellow church members), was only allowed to watch rated G movies until she was 18, she was only allowed certain types of foods, in addition to many other "rules" which limited her exposure to the outside world.

When she turned 18, she flipped the freak out.

We know someone, same identical story. The parents are now raising the two children she had after she turned 18 and took off! I think they have lightened up a little!

 

[tlbwriter]

What if the the daughter turns out to be gay? Then what? She can't have any friends at all?

But don't homosexuals have friends of the same sex who they're not romantically involved with, just as heterosexuals have friends of the opposite sex who they're not romantically involved with?

For families who set limits, the MOST COMMON rule seems to be no "car dating" 'til you're 16. Personally, I think this is a pretty good rule. 16 seems to be an emotional milestone for kids; they take a huge step forward in maturity around 16.

I don't understand this... in my state, you can't get your driver's license until you're 16, so you wouldn't be able to "car date" until then anyway. Or do you mean younger kids dating kids old enough to drive? (Sorry, I'm old enough that they're ALL "kids" to me. )

...How can anyone prevent an 18 year old adult from dating?

Pretty much the same way you "prevent" a 17 year old from dating. You say "my house, my rules" and hope they follow them.

 

[Momvic5]

I know two families with this rule - no dating until college. The moms are sisters and were raised with the same rule. The older sister has four very handsome sons. I mean the kind of handsome where they always have a trail of girls behind them. The brothers are all very close in age and huge athletes. She had 3 in high school at one time for several years. I honestly don't know how she maintained her rule, but she did and her boys are some of the best young men I know. Her youngest is a senior this year, and the other three are either in college or have gone on to graduate from college. They were allowed "dates/friends" for homecoming, prom, and dances, but they were not allowed to go on dates. She ALWAYS kept them BUSY. If they were not playing or involved in their sports then they were hunting, fishing, hiking, camping, on archery tournaments, biking, helping with church activities, working, or doing something. She always tried to fill their time with activities so that there really wasn't anytime for girls or trouble. She always has a house full of boys, food, and more food. I have no idea if the boys were sneaky or not, but what I do know of them, they are all great young men who have gone on to succeed. Anytime anyone needs anything done in the neighborhood, they call one of her sons. They are hard workers and are very responsible. We often tell her she needs to write a book on how to raise sons.

The other sister has 4 children as well. Her children are younger. Her oldest is a freshman in high school, and her youngest is 8yrs old. This sister is completely different from the older sister. She seems to be dictative with her words and rules but doesn't provide her children with the same type of experiences as her older sister did/does so only time will tell how her children will react to her rule of no dating until college.

 

[Acklander]

I wasn't aware of anyone growing up who wasn't allowed to date in high school. Personally, I don't see the point behind making kids wait until they graduate to date. I'd rather my kids were comfortable around others of the opposite sex instead of making it some type of mystery or forbidden fruit.
Maybe it's because I grew up in more permissive times (I went to H.School in the 70's) but honestly I'm shocked by the number of posts I've seen on the dis showing how sheltered kids are these days. No dating until done with college? A girl over the age of 18 who's dad forbid her to take the city bus to school? Another girl who is over the age of 18 who is afraid to ask for permission to go to Disney with her (same sex) friend? Seriously??? Where are our risk takers? our dare devils? our leaders???

 

[punkin]

I wasn't aware of anyone growing up who wasn't allowed to date in high school. Personally, I don't see the point behind making kids wait until they graduate to date. I'd rather my kids were comfortable around others of the opposite sex instead of making it some type of mystery or forbidden fruit.
Maybe it's because I grew up in more permissive times (I went to H.School in the 70's) but honestly I'm shocked by the number of posts I've seen on the dis showing how sheltered kids are these days. No dating until done with college? A girl over the age of 18 who's dad forbid her to take the city bus to school? Another girl who is over the age of 18 who is afraid to ask for permission to go to Disney with her (same sex) friend? Seriously??? Where are our risk takers? our dare devils? our leaders???

They are out there doing things instead of posting on a Disney board.

 

[MusiqChic99]

Most will date anyway. There are always ways around it. I hardly ever brought my dates to the house and usually met them at other people's houses. Dates aren't always the movie and dinner thing anyway.

I had a few bfs in HS but I didn't seriously date anyone until I got to college. I wasn't forbidden, I just didn't want to get too worked up in a guy like ALL my other friends were.

 

[punkin]

Most will date anyway. There are always ways around it. I hardly ever brought my dates to the house and usually met them at other people's houses. Dates aren't always the movie and dinner thing anyway.

I had a few bfs in HS but I didn't seriously date anyone until I got to college. I wasn't forbidden, I just didn't want to get too worked up in a guy like ALL my other friends were.

Now that would bother me. My mother always wanted to meet the boys I was dating. She said that a boy has to know he's picking a girl up from a nice house and a nice family. He has to know that it is his responsibility to treat her well and bring her back to the house. I know it's rather old fashioned, but I always asked (not demanded) that my DD18 do the same. It has worked out pretty well.

Then again DD18 is fairly compliant. DD12 never met a rule she didn't immediately want to break. We will see what happens with her.

 

[penn19]

I wasn't allowed to date for most of high school (I think I could start dating when I was 16 and I graduated at 17). But I never followed the rule, I always had a boyfriend.

That was the rule I had growing up. I started liking boys at 11, so there was no way I was waiting until 16. I just learned to sneak around. And once I was "officially" allowed to date? I still found myself sneaking around because the rule was 16 and you could go out ONE night a week. Friday or Saturday and not both. Yea, HS was fun with that rule. And it wasn't like the boy could come over to my house either. So try explaining to a boy that you can see him once a week. And my curfew was 10 pm. On the weekend. And somehow with that rule in place, that my parents would not discuss, I still managed to have sex. And smoke. Where there's a will, there's a way.

 

[5lilfish]

\Dating is very problematic for teens, period. So, you let 14 year olds do it, and you are asking for trouble. I also don't get the fascination with allowing kids to date at very young ages either - why do they need that type of relationship in their lives at that young of an age?

Tiger

I think some of this depends on how you define dating. Most 13/14 yr olds that I know (and I have a 14 yr old DS and an almost 13 yr old DD) don't date in the true sense of the word. In their mnds, some of them have a "boyfriend," but their definition of boyfriend is almost funny to me. Dating means they like eachother and walk down the hall together at school...maybe sit together at lunch. They might go out in groups or possibly go to eachother's house for what amounts to a play-date. I think it is ridiculous to try and tell a 14 yr old that they cannot do this. Its virtually impossible to enforce it and the kids are probably going to do this regardless of whether you know it or not (unless you go to school with them).

As for asking for trouble.....I take the opposite view. I think you are asking for trouble if you try to stomp out all forms of dating. I think kids need to be taught self discipline and they need to be taught how to behave by taking baby steps. I think there is a risk for much more serious trouble if you reach 18 and don't have the social experiences to have learned from. Like so many people on this board, I know a few kids that had really over-the-top strict parents and all of them did freak out when they finally had some independence. I'm sure there are also kids that had no rules that also got themselves into trouble. As usually, middle of the road is probably best...reasonable rules, appropriate supervision and LOTS of talking.

My oldest 2 kids (the 14 and almost 13 yr old): The 14 yr old is definitely not dating. The 13 yr old has a boy that she likes and he likes her. That's about as far as that has gone. My DD has been to his house a few times and played video games with him and his younger brother...lol. They hang out in school and at school events witha really nice group of kids (boys and girls). I'm glad it is staying so basic. I have not had to consider setting any rules yet, since they have not pushed for anything...but I take advantage of any chance I get to keep communication flowing with my DD (car rides, dinner, or anytime she brings a topic up).

Jess

 

[Arielle22]

My daughters couldn't date until they are 16. One is almost 18 and one turns 16 in a few weeks. They go to different high schools.

The older one has friends who are boys but she is not attracted to any of them (or so she says). She does not have a job and comes home from school so I am pretty sure she is not meeting up with anyone.

My younger one also has a male friend but he is gay. She also has not found anyone she is interested in.

During my high school years my father was dying (died at the end of my junior year). Between that and going to an all girls school, I didn't have much time for boys.

Luckily for me, my daughters would rat each other out in a red hot second, so I would know if either was bringing a boy to the house while we are not there.

 

[FireDancer]

The most fun girls in high school had the strictest parents. I went out with more than one girl who "wasn't allowed to date". I am always amazed at some of the naivety of parents. Most of the "things my daughter won't do" they are probably the best in the school at.

My mom's only rule was she didn't want us coming home with a kid so wrap it up and she didn't want to hear about it. I never took high school relationships seriously though. It was about having fun and moving on.

 

[eliza61]

A fellow mom that I know from school told me over the weekend that she is not allowing her children to date until they are in college. She stated that this is how she was raised and she is raising her two kids the same way. She also said she would actually prefer they be over 21 when they start dating. Her main reason is that she wants them to focus on their studies and not be distracted by all the drama involved in dating. Her DH is totally on board with raising the children in this manner.

I thought this might be a cultural issue, but my DH (who is of the same culture) assured me it was not. My DH was also raised in a strict family (10 p.m. curfew during senior year of high school), but his parents did allow him and his siblings to date.

I honestly have never personally known a family that had this expectation.

My question for all of you is:

Do you know anyone who wasn't allowed to date during high school?

Did that individual actually follow the parents' rule of no dating?

Just curious.

I was not allowed to date until my senior year in h.s. It was a pretty easy rule to follow since I went to all girls h.s. and not much chance for boy interaction.

I did not "flip" out or go wild in my college years.

My sons were not allowed to have a serious relationship until Senior year also. Pretty much for the same reasons, now with college scholarships and such riding on their studies we did not want them distracted.

It has not traumatized either or cause them to be "wild". first, they really don't have alot of time for exclusive dating. between school, sports and part time jobs there is barely enough time to study.

 

[Jessica14]

I wasn't allowed to date in highschool either. And, of course I followed their rules, as I lived in their house, but also because I was very compliant, mature and responsible, as mentioned above.

I can't stand the whole idea that if you forbid people, they will go crazy. Sorry, I don't buy it. It has to do with one's personality. I wasn't allowed to date, smoke, drink or take drugs, and guess what? I didn't date until I was 21, and still have never had a drink, smoke or drugs. It was my choice not to do those things, and I am glad I did not.

Many of my highschool students were allowed to date at very young ages, and they were all pregnant at very young ages, so it all depends upon the person, their upbringing, and their experiences as to how they are going to handle adult activities.

Honestly, I think most of society lets kids grow up way too fast. Young teens under 16, really don't need to be dating, but I'm pretty much in the minority on that one...

If this works for the OP's friend and their children, then it's not for any of us to pass judgment. Just because those kids can't date, it doesn't mean they are going to sneak around at all. I never did...

Tiger

This was me exactly! I sub in a 5/6 building and I'm always telling girls you don't NEED a boyfriend at that age. I think the kids really feel the need to be grown up and unfortunately either the parents don't care or encourage it. Whenever someone says that "all kids do that" and its unrealistic to expect otherwise, I disagree, because I did it. You don't HAVE to drink, smoke, date, sex, etc. Like Tiger, I'm sure I'm in the minority with that, but as a parent, you can darn well not throw up your hands and say "its what kids do." I've heard waaay too many parents just give up because they are going to do what they do. They very might, but with guidence, they might not. That's what the parents in the OP post are trying to do. I hope they are not just saying no, but offering explanations as to why its better to wait and consequences of not waiting.
Jessica
Jessica

 

[princessmom29]

Dating is very problematic for teens, period. So, you let 14 year olds do it, and you are asking for trouble. I also don't get the fascination with allowing kids to date at very young ages either - why do they need that type of relationship in their lives at that young of an age?

I think there is nothing wrong with limits on kids, as it does teach self-control, but it has to be an ongoing process, like it was for me, and how it is in my house, and then it will have more of a chance of positive results. My sister was a rebel, but she knew how important it was to my parents that we not date at young ages, nor be in cars at that age (they didn't really let us go out with friends at night, so that was easy), and she proved herself to be mature and responsible, and she was allowed to date my brother in law at age 17.5 years old, and he's 6 years older than her. He worked for my parents, so we knew him, and all was very good in that situation.

I think parents need to be involved, and I see many parents not involved these days, so kids are dating at younger ages, and parents don't even know who they are dating, whereas with us, there was an age limit, and then there was discussion once that age limit of 16 was reached, about what the next steps were going to be. We also always knew what expectations our parents had of us. Sex and pregnancy was not an issue - my parents never forbid us from it at all, and in fact, they educated us about it very well. The big thing for my parents was drinking/drugs, as well as a driving. Dating was just something that could be problematic with both of those areas, as well as cause drama that we didn't need at that time of our lives.

Not all kids go crazy and freak out...they may do so because they aren't taught or respected enough through the whole process of growing up.

Tiger

I think many parents would disagree with you that allowing a 14 year old to date is asking for trouble. You can be attentive, involved, and have a child that is mature and responsible enough to date at 14. I don't see the problem with a 14 year old having a BF/GF if they are being suitably monitored. Kids at this age typically have parent drop offs and pick ups for dates and many are required to date with a group. I don't see this as irresponsible, inattentive parenting or "asking for trouble". I think saying "you cannot date" and assuming the child will comply is in effect burying your head in the sand. As soon as they are off with a group of "friends" they will be wityh BF/GF. I would much rather know who my child is seeing and be able to monitor the situation. I want to be able to talk to her about what is going on and be able to guide her along the right path rather than have her sneaking around behind my back, which WILL eventually happen unless you lock them in thier room until they finish college.

 

[princessmom29]

This was me exactly! I sub in a 5/6 building and I'm always telling girls you don't NEED a boyfriend at that age. I think the kids really feel the need to be grown up and unfortunately either the parents don't care or encourage it. Whenever someone says that "all kids do that" and its unrealistic to expect otherwise, I disagree, because I did it. You don't HAVE to drink, smoke, date, sex, etc. Like Tiger, I'm sure I'm in the minority with that, but as a parent, you can darn well not throw up your hands and say "its what kids do." I've heard waaay too many parents just give up because they are going to do what they do. They very might, but with guidence, they might not. That's what the parents in the OP post are trying to do. I hope they are not just saying no, but offering explanations as to why its better to wait and consequences of not waiting.
Jessica
Jessica

It is really hard to give that guidance when you have completely forbidden something. Essentially, you have spoken and are not going to change, so why would a teen WANT to discuss it??

 

[Planogirl]

I had lots of "boyfriends" all through high school but it wasn't particularly serious and I didn't do anything wrong. I see way too much assumption that if kids do date that they will do terrible things and that's not always the case. I knew a few wild kids but most were basically good kids and were so in spite of the fact their parents weren't micromanaging their days.

I only knew one girl that wasn't allowed to date but she did anyway. Unless parents follow their kids around or keep them locked up at home, kids will do what they want to some extent. Some might be completely obedient, some might push the line and of course some might go completely wild.

 

[chuckml]

The most fun girls in high school had the strictest parents. I went out with more than one girl who "wasn't allowed to date". I am always amazed at some of the naivety of parents. Most of the "things my daughter won't do" they are probably the best in the school at.

My mom's only rule was she didn't want us coming home with a kid so wrap it up and she didn't want to hear about it. I never took high school relationships seriously though. It was about having fun and moving on.

This. Some of the most fun times I had in high school were with girls whose parents didn't even know that they were out with a guy that night.

 

[MusiqChic99]

This. Some of the most fun times I had in high school were with girls whose parents didn't even know that they were out with a guy that night.

That's why my best friend was a preacher's daughter. My parents thought I had the best influence being her friend...

 

[chuckml]

That's why my best friend was a preacher's daughter. My parents thought I had the best influence being her friend...

The craziest girl in my high school was a ministers daughter. She was absolutely nuts. Fun girl, but crazy for sure.