My house, my rules!

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Now I do get PM's. But they generally are far from loving.

It's tough love.

 

[threecrazykids]

You said you would not allow anyone to use those words in your home. I am interested in what you would say to an adult guest who used the word 'stupid' in your home. Would you stay "oh hell no you do not use that word in my house"? Are some words ok for the internet but not to be voiced in your home? Just wondering.

Just to clarify, the "oh hell no" verbiage was my THOUGHT when my SIL told us to not look at my niece or talk to her when she brought her unpleasant self out for breakfast in the morning. It was not words used, by myself or my children.

Also, if an adult used words I detest, yes, I will tell them to not use those words in my home. I've never had anyone completely disregard or ignore the request to even worry about I would do if they continued. I have a strong feeling I wouldn't have an issue asking them to either find another word to use or to leave. Thankfully I have only had to tell my BIL to not use the word "retard" once, and he's never used it again in front of me. It's just one of those things that I personally don't tolerate. I think calling someone "stupid" or a "retard" is (in ANY situation) uncalled for, therefore I don't allow it to be used in my home. My house, my rules, period.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Well for me it would be patience, understanding, kindness, teaching, acceptance, respect, forgiveness, leading by example, etc. Of course I'm not telling others to parent the way I do but for us it's definitely more than love and basic necessities.

"Be nice to your children for they will choose your rest home".

All those things are wrapped in the word love. But that does not mean I have to give them everything they want.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

It's tough love.

Oh, it's tough alright.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Just to clarify, the "oh hell no" verbiage was my THOUGHT when my SIL told us to not look at my niece or talk to her when she brought her unpleasant self out for breakfast in the morning. It was not words used, by myself or my children.

Also, if an adult used words I detest, yes, I will tell them to not use those words in my home. I've never had anyone completely disregard or ignore the request to even worry about I would do if they continued. I have a strong feeling I wouldn't have an issue asking them to either find another word to use or to leave. Thankfully I have only had to tell my BIL to not use the word "retard" once, and he's never used it again in front of me. It's just one of those things that I personally don't tolerate. I think calling someone "stupid" or a "retard" is (in ANY situation) uncalled for, therefore I don't allow it to be used in my home. My house, my rules, period.

Well I hate the word "irregardless". It's almost always used improperly but I can't imagine telling my guests not to use it in my home. While I would never call someone those names you mentioned I will admit to freely using the term "stupid". Never as a name calling term. It seems that it is a word that is now banned by daycares and schools but was frequently used when I was growing up.

My point is we all have words we don't like or use but I can't imagine that if an adult guest in my house said "I had to take this stupid test" I would have the nerve to tell them they cannot use that word in my house or they have to leave. That, to me, feels like dictatorship.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

All those things are wrapped in the word love. But that does not mean I have to give them everything they want.

Why would you give them everything they want? That would be odd.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Oh, it's tough alright.

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

Since it is just DD and I, I am able to be pretty laid back, but I can see when the "My House, My Rules" comes in handy. When I have heard it used, it has typically been when the child is no longer a child but living under the parents' roof. Sure, it may be legally fine for the adult child to go out partying all night without letting anyone know when they will be home or to bring home an overnight guest of the opposite sex, but it isn't acceptable behavior in that household.

 

[TAX GUY]

Well I hate the word "irregardless". It's almost always used improperly but I can't imagine telling my guests not to use it in my home. While I would never call someone those names you mentioned I will admit to freely using the term "stupid". Never as a name calling term. It seems that it is a word that is now banned by daycares and schools but was frequently used when I was growing up.

My point is we all have words we don't like or use but I can't imagine that if an adult guest in my house said "I had to take this stupid test" I would have the nerve to tell them they cannot use that word in my house or they have to leave. That, to me, feels like dictatorship.

Well, its your house, so..... your house, your rules.

 

[threecrazykids]

Well I hate the word "irregardless". It's almost always used improperly but I can't imagine telling my guests not to use it in my home. While I would never call someone those names you mentioned I will admit to freely using the term "stupid". Never as a name calling term. It seems that it is a word that is now banned by daycares and schools but was frequently used when I was growing up.

My point is we all have words we don't like or use but I can't imagine that if an adult guest in my house said "I had to take this stupid test" I would have the nerve to tell them they cannot use that word in my house or they have to leave. That, to me, feels like dictatorship.

This is what I'm referring to - name calling. If you tell someone "you're stupid" or "you're a retard" then yeah...I'm going to get after you.

 

[ELSA711]

Not necessarily. I think in some cases parents use that phrase/attitude as a knee jerk reaction without consideration behind it. That's where it gets problematic. I've seen people who operate that way most of the time -- similar to the way some parents use television with small kids or a bottle to quiet very young ones. If it's not the norm in your house and you drop those words or attitude on your kids I think they sit up and take notice. (General you, not ELSA)

Well my kids are to young right now to use that phrase and have it be effective but I won't hesitate either when they are over 18. My kids know I am always willing to listen to negotiations but it doesn't mean I will change my mind either. Most of our house rules are based on Family First mentality. If you follow that simple rule, then most of my other rules are easy

 

[ELSA711]

Maybe for you but not for all. I mean, I love my cat. Truly. She has shelter, food and love but I certainly didn't put the same time, money and effort into her as I did my kids.

But pets need "patience, understanding, kindness, teaching, acceptance, respect, forgiveness, leading by example, etc."
Maybe not respect or leading by example, lol. But when you love something or someone it's all the same.
This is about love of a person, a child, your child, not a cat. And to some their pets are just as much their children so I dare not judge or put restrictions on the word Love

 

[disykat]

I wonder how many of the people who say they don't have house rules make their guests take their shoes off at the door?

 

[indygirl99]

My house my rules. Yep said it many times. One of my kids really rebelled and ended up quitting school at 16 and sleeping on her boyfriends couch because she didn't want to obey my rules.

16-20 was a really tough time because her boyfriends mother wanted to be a friend instead of a parent to her children. At 20 she found a new boyfriend whose parents also had the My house My rules and decided maybe she could obey a few simple rules. They now have children of their own and guess what. Yep they also have My house My rules.

All my kids have thanked me on more than one occasion for the My house my rules quote.

In my house it doesn't matter if you are 6, 16 or 60 if you break one of the rules there will be a talk about it. I don't have a shortage of friends or visitors. I even had an adult say to me "You know that really is a good rule to have, I think I need to implement that at my house."

 

[NMAmy]

The only place I've ever heard this whole My House, My Rules stuff is here on the DIS. I always find it weirdest that people would feel the need to say it to an adult guest in their home. If you are an adult guest in my home (including my adult dd and her husband), then as long as they're not mean to someone else or doing something illegal, you can do what you want in my home. I've yet to meet anyone who has been welcomed into my home that even made me think of uttering that phrase.

I guess I can get saying it to a minor child in your home but, honestly, it has the hollow ring of "because I said so." Of course we had rules when dd was growing up but those applied to her not to guests. For her friends, as long as they weren't hurting anything or breaking anything, I'm good.

Heck, my mom was one of the strictest mothers ever, but she would have knocked us upside the head if we'd said something like "my house, my rules" to guests. We were taught to make allowances for guests.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm really hesitant to even bring this up because I'm having an extremely difficult time dealing with it, but I feel like I need to say it in case it helps anybody even a little bit.

Please be sure you do what you can to get it into your kids' heads that they can talk to you about anything, especially anything they're struggling with. In a little less than 3 weeks time I've watched two families I know suffer horribly and wish upon wish that they could just have a conversation, no matter how ugly it might have been. Try to leave a little room for leniency on the blind obedience to the house rules if they will bring it to you for your help if they feel they have nowhere else to turn and cannot resolve the situation on their own.

This isn't in response to anyone and I'm not pecking apart anybody's parenting choices. It's just something I feel I have to say as a reminder so that as parents we don't get so carried away trying to keep our kids safe and on the straight and narrow that we don't unwittingly leave them thinking they've crossed a line that cannot be fixed and have nowhere to turn. It can make a huge difference if they understand that you won't be able to fix the problem either, but you will be there to love and support them always.

 

[barkley]

OP - I'm with you, I think the phrase is used far to often, almost like a badge to prove that one is in charge of their children and guests regardless of the circumstances, like its something to be proud of.
I see it often on threads that have nothing to do with household members but also when discussing guests, in-laws and friends.

Sure, we have house rules and I joke that its a dictatorship not a democracy but in all actuality, there are few hard/fast/unbreakable rules. We discuss scenarios and then rule based on the discussion.
Our kids are welcome to come to us to discuss a rule and propose changes/modifications. The only rule is that Mom and Dad still have the final say AND that all proposals must be presented in a calm, respectful manner.

As for friends/guests - Well, I have a teen and therefore I have a house full of teens. The rules: Once I go to bed, no one leaves the interior of the house and they cannot allow someone to enter our home.
I may not like how they speak but other than outright profanity (which would get them the "Mom Glare") I would not correct a child in my home for saying something that I may not like while in most areas it is perfectly acceptable. When I was young, my mother did not allow us to say "Butt" and she enforced that to anyone who came in the door - well, not many wanted to hang at our house. IMO she could dictate what her own children could say but she really shouldn't extend that to guests.

My FIL says all kinds of inappropriate things, he is old and cranky, we roll our eyes and ignore. I would never dream of correcting him.

I saw the whole "your house your rules" comment the other day in the late arriving guest thread. Sure, its your home and you have every right to say "No, you cannot arrive at 3am". However, to me that is not a "my house my rules" type thing. Its just inconvenient and the OP didn't want to have to accommodate. No one needs to get obstinate and argumentative by declaring My House, My Rules when a simple, "No, I am sorry, that doesn't work for me", will suffice.

that's how our two were raised as well-and they knew better than to ask one parent and upon being told 'no' going to the other parent and asking the same question. from the time they could understand our mantra was 'don't go shopping for answers'. didn't realize how well this was sinking in till we got our first housecat when ds was 4'ish. the cat had dry food available but only got wet food once per day in the evenings. one afternoon the cat comes up to me and starts meowing for wet food to which I reply 'no, it's not time for your dinner yet'. a few minutes later I see the cat wander over to ds and hear the cat meowing to ds who says 'no kiien no go shopping for answers'

 

[aprilgail]

I wonder how many of the people who say they don't have house rules make their guests take their shoes off at the door?

Not me- I find that whole thing rude!

I hate the phrase "my house my rules". In my house its just me and my daughter and its OUR house, not just MY house. She is a part of the "family" and its a family home so its our house.

 

[ELSA711]

I'm really hesitant to even bring this up because I'm having an extremely difficult time dealing with it, but I feel like I need to say it in case it helps anybody even a little bit.

Please be sure you do what you can to get it into your kids' heads that they can talk to you about anything, especially anything they're struggling with. In a little less than 3 weeks time I've watched two families I know suffer horribly and wish upon wish that they could just have a conversation, no matter how ugly it might have been. Try to leave a little room for leniency on the blind obedience to the house rules if they will bring it to you for your help if they feel they have nowhere else to turn and cannot resolve the situation on their own.

This isn't in response to anyone and I'm not pecking apart anybody's parenting choices. It's just something I feel I have to say as a reminder so that as parents we don't get so carried away trying to keep our kids safe and on the straight and narrow that we don't unwittingly leave them thinking they've crossed a line that cannot be fixed and have nowhere to turn. It can make a huge difference if they understand that you won't be able to fix the problem either, but you will be there to love and support them always.

This is why I am also very upfront with my kids about 'my mistakes' in life and growing up. Age appropriate of course.
They need to know Mommy has lived and learned. I will not judge because I was never judged. I had two wonderful parents and they supported me regardless of choices I made that may have upset them
DH doesn't always agree with my open door policy but he supports it reluctantly.

 

[Mizzoufan]

That phrase sounds like a method to control someone.