My house, my rules!

[mamacatnv]

OP - I'm with you, I think the phrase is used far to often, almost like a badge to prove that one is in charge of their children and guests regardless of the circumstances, like its something to be proud of.
I see it often on threads that have nothing to do with household members but also when discussing guests, in-laws and friends.

Sure, we have house rules and I joke that its a dictatorship not a democracy but in all actuality, there are few hard/fast/unbreakable rules. We discuss scenarios and then rule based on the discussion.
Our kids are welcome to come to us to discuss a rule and propose changes/modifications. The only rule is that Mom and Dad still have the final say AND that all proposals must be presented in a calm, respectful manner.

As for friends/guests - Well, I have a teen and therefore I have a house full of teens. The rules: Once I go to bed, no one leaves the interior of the house and they cannot allow someone to enter our home.
I may not like how they speak but other than outright profanity (which would get them the "Mom Glare") I would not correct a child in my home for saying something that I may not like while in most areas it is perfectly acceptable. When I was young, my mother did not allow us to say "Butt" and she enforced that to anyone who came in the door - well, not many wanted to hang at our house. IMO she could dictate what her own children could say but she really shouldn't extend that to guests.

My FIL says all kinds of inappropriate things, he is old and cranky, we roll our eyes and ignore. I would never dream of correcting him.

I saw the whole "your house your rules" comment the other day in the late arriving guest thread. Sure, its your home and you have every right to say "No, you cannot arrive at 3am". However, to me that is not a "my house my rules" type thing. Its just inconvenient and the OP didn't want to have to accommodate. No one needs to get obstinate and argumentative by declaring My House, My Rules when a simple, "No, I am sorry, that doesn't work for me", will suffice.

 

[Jaya]

I remember when my daughter said "I can't wait until I'm an adult and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do!" I have been tempted many, many times to ask her "Well, how's that working out for ya?"

 

[morgan98]

I don't think when someone says, "my house, my rules," they mean that the kids don't get a say in anything or that the kids shouldn't be comfortable in their own home. I think it is often used to set some ground rules for what the parents will tolerate when older kids are living at home and want to exert their independence. I almost only hear it used with reference to late high school aged and older children. I have never heard anyone say that to an eight year old.

I would think the following would be perfect examples of these "my house, my rules," rules and I really do not have issue with them:

1. Kids can't sleep with boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage under the parents roof.
2. After high school, child can only continue to live at home if working full time, going to school full time, or some combination of both
3. A curfew.
4. You will help with basic chores around the house (aka mom is not the maid)

I too think there is nothing wrong with this. There are rules everywhere. There are plenty of rules my employer has that if I do not follow, I will not be getting a paycheck.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think part of it is also that we sort of raised them with an idea that they had control within certain boundaries as they were growing up. Obviously toddler boundaries are quite small and limited to things like picking their T shirt and shorts for the day, selecting the veggie served at dinner, etc. Along the way it meant letting them make some selections we wouldn't have, but allowing them to go ahead despite our recommendations and discovering the consequences of their choices. The choices crossed lots of different aspects of life over the years and they honestly probably learned more when they didn't take our advice. Sometimes it meant practically biting my tongue off not to say I told you so when an outing or fun day didn't go as they(or we) hoped because they invited a less than ideal friend along even after I mentioned how so and so generally is a homebody and likes to go home after a couple hours or another friend tends to be a bit aggressive when swimming, etc. Eventually they progress from crying and whining about how things didn't go well to talking to you about how they wish they'd maybe made another choice. My tongue still has some hard to heal holes in it.

As they grew their boxes they had control over grew with them. Holding steady on giving them a level of control made them more likely over time to ask us what we thought because they knew they had the power to make the choice and talking to us wasn't going to lead to anything more than our thoughts on the situation. In a funny way it seemed like they were expanding our boxes over time, the boxes where they were happy to come and talk to us -- and listen to our opinions on stuff like we might actually know a little bit about what we were talking about. Eventually you wind up in a place where it's not so important to focus on the boundaries because everybody feels like they've got plenty of space to stretch out and be heard without crossing any lines. I think that's a harder level to reach if the kids are always battling for some measure of control and the parents are always battling to let the kids know the parent is in charge because they have the experience and the know how to make the decisions. That seems to lead to nobody really listening to anybody because everybody's too busy plotting their next move to win the game. You also get a pretty good idea how your kid thinks about things, what their decision-making strategies are, where their strengths and weaknesses are -- and how they deal with failure, especially failure they are absolutely 100-percent responsible for, very important skill.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Am I the only one who cringes at hearing this phrase?

I absolutely hate it! I see it routinely on this board and hear it out in the world referring to a variety of circumstances.

Yes, children needs rules and boundaries. I also feel like it should be their home as well. It's not like kids have a choice as to where to live growing up (at least the bulk of kids don't).

Ok, so some people say that I pay for everything including the house so I make the rules. Does this apply when one partner in a relationship makes all the money or maybe has the house? You should follow all their rules and not protest because they're benevolent enough to allow you to live there? I wonder how many people would put up with a partner who says "if you don't like my rules then you can leave!"

I guess I've always just thought it odd that so many think that raising a child well means blind obedience. At what age to kids get to have opinions and protests that are entertained? Isn't expressing what and why you disagree teaching important critical thinking and negotiating skills?

That's not to say kids should be running the house and always get their way. I've just seen so many approaches to children as "I don't negotiate with terrorists" approach. Always has baffled me.

My thoughts exactly. I also wonder how kids raised in that type of environment feel about their parents when they grow up. It seems many people here dislike either their mother, father or both yet I wonder if they raise their own children the same way without even realizing it.

It doesn't mean that my kids were perfect children but we didn't treat them like they were supposed to be mature adults because they weren't. We talked to them when there was a problem and they knew when we were disappointed in certain behaviour.

It seems some parents are running a boot camp.

If you treat your children with respect I guarantee they will respect you back. Hitting your kids, screaming, taking doors off bedrooms etc is certainly not the way my husband and I parented. They so far managed to turn out very respectful, hard working, hard studying respectful young adults. People often commented on how well behaved my kids were growing up and that included friends, teachers, flight attendants, doctors, dentists etc.

 

[threecrazykids]

I don't consider it a badge of proof that I am "in charge of my kids", but I absolutely AM in charge of my kids...as well as any guests that are in my house. It's mine...why wouldn't I be in charge?

And there are words I don't allow my kids to use, and I certainly am not going to send mixed messages to my kids friends by allowing THEM to use those words in my house. I despise the words "retard" and "stupid" and will absolutely tell anyone in my home to not use those words in my home. If I hear you call someone a "retard" you're going home if I've already warned you once about it. And no, I don't feel bad about it at all.

I have a niece who (when she and her parents would spend the night) when she was 5 or 6, would come to breakfast and glare at everyone who looked her way. My daughter who was about 3 or 4 would come out and was taught to say "good morning" to everyone who said it to her (whether it was a "good" morning or not). My niece turned her face away and grunted some intelligible "hhmmppphh" type whine. Her mother says "just don't look at her or talk to her until she's ready to talk." Oh hell no.

I told her that she needed to take her crabby self back to her room until she was ready to be the kind, sweet little girl I knew she could be, and don't come out until she was ready to show me her smiles. Less than 5 mins later she was back out and was her normal, sweet little self!

I didn't lay down house rules for fun, or to have something to get after my kids about. There are REASONS those rules are in place. If you choose to ignore those rules you are free to leave.

Kids need rules. They need their parents guidance by demonstrating decent behaviors, and following rules that allow them to become civil, productive, contributing members of society.

They can voice their concerns and object all they want - but no, I'm not going to let things that I have set as RULES just be waived because a KID may not want to follow it. What kind of adult/parent would I be if every time a kid didn't like what I said or did I caved? I'm not afraid of my kids not liking me - the rules are in their best interest. Whether they like them or not is irrelevant. I don't have a ton of rules, but the ones I do have? I don't budge.

 

[ELSA711]

No problem with the phrase at all! First of all the one spouse income has nothing to do with having rules for the children.
You are partners in life. What his is mine and what is mine is his regardless who makes the money. My children are not my partners and they will have rules under my roof.
Will they change as my kids mature, of course. Will the rules be different for each children based on their respect and trustworthiness with us and their age - of course.
My children always have a chance to rebuttal and be heard if they think I am being unfair or they have out grown certain rules. Is it their house 'yes' but if they want to live here past the age of 18 they better follow my rules. I don't think my rules in my house are very hard to follow.
Family first is our #1 rule. With that, everything else typically follows suit.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I don't consider it a badge of proof that I am "in charge of my kids", but I absolutely AM in charge of my kids...as well as any guests that are in my house. It's mine...why wouldn't I be in charge?

And there are words I don't allow my kids to use, and I certainly am not going to send mixed messages to my kids friends by allowing THEM to use those words in my house. I despise the words "retard" and "stupid" and will absolutely tell anyone in my home to not use those words in my home. If I hear you call someone a "retard" you're going home if I've already warned you once about it. And no, I don't feel bad about it at all.

I have a niece who (when she and her parents would spend the night) when she was 5 or 6, would come to breakfast and glare at everyone who looked her way. My daughter who was about 3 or 4 would come out and was taught to say "good morning" to everyone who said it to her (whether it was a "good" morning or not). My niece turned her face away and grunted some intelligible "hhmmppphh" type whine. Her mother says "just don't look at her or talk to her until she's ready to talk." Oh hell no.

I told her that she needed to take her crabby self back to her room until she was ready to be the kind, sweet little girl I knew she could be, and don't come out until she was ready to show me her smiles. Less than 5 mins later she was back out and was her normal, sweet little self!

I didn't lay down house rules for fun, or to have something to get after my kids about. There are REASONS those rules are in place. If you choose to ignore those rules you are free to leave.

Kids need rules. They need their parents guidance by demonstrating decent behaviors, and following rules that allow them to become civil, productive, contributing members of society.

They can voice their concerns and object all they want - but no, I'm not going to let things that I have set as RULES just be waived because a KID may not want to follow it. What kind of adult/parent would I be if every time a kid didn't like what I said or did I caved? I'm not afraid of my kids not liking me - the rules are in their best interest. Whether they like them or not is irrelevant. I don't have a ton of rules, but the ones I do have? I don't budge.

So you don't allow guests in your home to say "stupid" but "hell" is ok?

 

[usnuzuloose]

I think when parents are using that term, most of them are trying to teach them that nothing is free in life. Kids needs rules, other wise the whole house is turned upside down. Homes become out of control when children play parents against one another. Kids need to learn that when bills are due and payable we can't just skip bills or create more bills just because they can not get their way. The only thing parents are obligated to is love their children, and supply the needs. Anything else is gravy for them. I was not going to cave to my kids. My ex husband did and the whole house was out of control because he wanted to be their friend. I am not going to get into what occurred.

 

[TAX GUY]

I wonder how others would react when I say It's my car, my rules, don't like it? Then walk...

 

[pat fan]

Am I the only one who cringes at hearing this phrase?

I absolutely hate it! I see it routinely on this board and hear it out in the world referring to a variety of circumstances.

Yes, children needs rules and boundaries. I also feel like it should be their home as well. It's not like kids have a choice as to where to live growing up (at least the bulk of kids don't).

Ok, so some people say that I pay for everything including the house so I make the rules. Does this apply when one partner in a relationship makes all the money or maybe has the house? You should follow all their rules and not protest because they're benevolent enough to allow you to live there? I wonder how many people would put up with a partner who says "if you don't like my rules then you can leave!"

I guess I've always just thought it odd that so many think that raising a child well means blind obedience. At what age to kids get to have opinions and protests that are entertained? Isn't expressing what and why you disagree teaching important critical thinking and negotiating skills?

That's not to say kids should be running the house and always get their way. I've just seen so many approaches to children as "I don't negotiate with terrorists" approach. Always has baffled me.

Sorry, I have no problem with that phrase at all.

Of course there is room for negotiations on things, but we didn't use that stance for minor things, like spinach for dinner, more like drugs allowed in the house and disrespect etc...If those things are clearly defined and enforced I believe it is more of a home anyway than if those rules were not in place. How safe and inviting is a home if there are drugs throughout? Or other crap allowed?

in our house anyway, the rules are made by the parents, money doesn't factor into it. Both parents "own" the home and both parents are responsible for the raising of the children.

And no, we should never negotiate with terrorists, contrary to what we do now. Doesn't work in the home or in the real world.

 

[jrmasm]

Some things are not negotiable so yeah, my house, my rules.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I think when parents are using that term, most of them are trying to teach them that nothing is free in life. Kids needs rules, other wise the whole house is turned upside down. Homes become out of control when children play parents against one another. Kids need to learn that when bills are due and payable we can't just skip bills or create more bills just because they can not get their way. The only thing parents are obligated to is love their children, and supply the needs. Anything else is gravy for them. I was not going to cave to my kids. My ex husband did and the whole house was out of control because he wanted to be their friend. I am not going to get into what occurred.

Who exactly decided that the only thing children need is love and needs supplied and the rest is gravy? My scope of parenting does not fit your prototype. It's very simplistic to me.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't have a problem with the saying.

I also don't see the spousal comparison as valid. I make 80+% of the income in our home. OTOH, my wife being available to parent the kids while I'm stuck at work is what ALLOWS me to make a better salary than she does. It's a partnership.

And I am not in a partnership with my children. I am their parent. Period.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Sorry, I have no problem with that phrase at all.

Of course there is room for negotiations on things, but we didn't use that stance for minor things, like spinach for dinner, more like drugs allowed in the house and disrespect etc...If those things are clearly defined and enforced I believe it is more of a home anyway than if those rules were not in place. How safe and inviting is a home if there are drugs throughout? Or other crap allowed?

in our house anyway, the rules are made by the parents, money doesn't factor into it. Both parents "own" the home and both parents are responsible for the raising of the children.

And no, we should never negotiate with terrorists, contrary to what we do now. Doesn't work in the home or in the real world.

Rules like no drugs allowed in the home never had to be voiced to my kids. Things like that were a given.

 

[threecrazykids]

So you don't allow guests in your home to say "stupid" but "hell" is ok?

No, I don't allow them to say either...why would you assume that? Because I said "oh hell no" in my post? That was a thought, not something I actually SAID to the child.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think when parents are using that term, most of them are trying to teach them that nothing is free in life. Kids needs rules, other wise the whole house is turned upside down. Homes become out of control when children play parents against one another. Kids need to learn that when bills are due and payable we can't just skip bills or create more bills just because they can not get their way. The only thing parents are obligated to is love their children, and supply the needs. Anything else is gravy for them. I was not going to cave to my kids. My ex husband did and the whole house was out of control because he wanted to be their friend. I am not going to get into what occurred.

Oh, I think that can be absolutely true. Our kids absolutely know we're not their friends, but yet we have a friendly relationship at the same time if that makes any sense. Everybody's got their space to be them, space to be responsible and in charge -- and nobody's super eager to launch a hostile takeover and take over somebody else's responsibilities. Like with most things, saying something like "my house, my rules" has a place and time. The danger is parents who use something like that as an automatic go to, a crutch. It becomes empty and meaningless, and leads to conflict. Our kids always knew if they bumped up against a situation where we were giving the attitude of "our house, our rules" that it wasn't a negotiable and meant something was significant. Without that understanding things would get out of control.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

No, I don't allow them to say either...why would you assume that? Because I said "oh hell no" in my post? That was a thought, not something I actually SAID to the child.

You said you would not allow anyone to use those words in your home. I am interested in what you would say to an adult guest who used the word 'stupid' in your home. Would you stay "oh hell no you do not use that word in my house"? Are some words ok for the internet but not to be voiced in your home? Just wondering.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Who exactly decided that the only thing children need is love and needs supplied and the rest is gravy? My scope of parenting does not fit your prototype. It's very simplistic to me.

What is the most important thing children need? That would be love. You don't have to supply any vacations or anything else. If they have love , clothes, a place to live and food, how much more do they need? They also need to see that they have loving parents as well.

 

[eliza61]

OP - I'm with you, I think the phrase is used far to of

I saw the whole "your house your rules" comment the other day in the late arriving guest thread. Sure, its your home and you have every right to say "No, you cannot arrive at 3am". However, to me that is not a "my house my rules" type thing. Its just inconvenient and the OP didn't want to have to accommodate. No one needs to get obstinate and argumentative by declaring My House, My Rules when a simple, "No, I am sorry, that doesn't work for me", will suffice.

What's the difference? saying something doesn't work for you or it's my rule is the end result is the same.
"ain't gonna happen"

I don't think it's obstinate to let someone know the rules of the house. No, we do not let guest arrive at 3 am in the morning? why is that argumentative? who says guest get to roll in any time they want.

So basically you say it a bit nicer.