My house, my rules!

[Teresa Pitman]

I also think of the house as "our house" and that we work together to figure out how we can all get along.

And re: risk of rules that are too strict. I live in southern Ontario, where Paul Bernardo kidnapped and killed several young girls. One was a young teen whose parents were trying to use "tough love" with her. They told her that if she got home after curfew, the house would be locked and they wouldn't let her in. They'd also called her friends' parents to tell them not to let her come over. So when she got home after curfew, she had nowhere to go. Bernardo found her, and she was raped repeatedly and killed. It may have sounded like a good idea to the parents at the time - their house, their rules, you break the rules so you can suffer a bit by sleeping in the backyard - but the outcome was terrible. Please never let rules get in the way of your relationship with your child and your child's safety.

 

[ELSA711]

I also think of the house as "our house" and that we work together to figure out how we can all get along.

And re: risk of rules that are too strict. I live in southern Ontario, where Paul Bernardo kidnapped and killed several young girls. One was a young teen whose parents were trying to use "tough love" with her. They told her that if she got home after curfew, the house would be locked and they wouldn't let her in. They'd also called her friends' parents to tell them not to let her come over. So when she got home after curfew, she had nowhere to go. Bernardo found her, and she was raped repeatedly and killed. It may have sounded like a good idea to the parents at the time - their house, their rules, you break the rules so you can suffer a bit by sleeping in the backyard - but the outcome was terrible. Please never let rules get in the way of your relationship with your child and your child's safety.

I think 'my house my rules' is a little different than leaving a young child locked out of her house in the middle of the night.
There is a big grey area out there.
I'm sorry, but when I heard 'my house, my rules' from my parents, didn't mean I wasn't allowed there but I would suffer the repercussions for breaking said 'rules'.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I think 'my house my rules' is a little different than leaving a young child locked out of her house in the middle of the night.
There is a big grey area out there.
I'm sorry, but when I heard 'my house, my rules' from my parents, didn't mean I wasn't allowed there but I would suffer the repercussions for breaking said 'rules'.

And for the parents of the girl I was talking about, the "consequence" or repercussions imposed for breaking the rule was that she was locked out. I agree there is a big grey area out there, and I'm not saying that this is what all parents who are into rules would do. But I do think I see some parents who are very invested in making sure their children follow their rules, and sometimes the relationship and even the child's safety suffers as a result.

 

[mamacatnv]

The postings about locking a child out are just heartbreaking.
However
While many of you say "oh well we don't mean it that way".
When I hear the words "My house, my rules" used, it is generally as an ultimatum type of statement.
Its generally used in the context of "you don't like it get out because its my house, I make the rules, end of story" that is what I think when I hear someone say "My house, My rules". I "hear" inflexibility, I "hear" stubbornness and I "hear" unwillingness to compromise or discuss other options.

 

[ELSA711]

The postings about locking a child out are just heartbreaking.
However
While many of you say "oh well we don't mean it that way".
When I hear the words "My house, my rules" used, it is generally as an ultimatum type of statement.
Its generally used in the context of "you don't like it get out because its my house, I make the rules, end of story" that is what I think when I hear someone say "My house, My rules". I "hear" inflexibility, I "hear" stubbornness and I "hear" unwillingness to compromise or discuss other options.

Well, I'm glad that's not what we heard when I was a kid. When I heard 'my house, my rules' from my parents...it meant I should respect them. They worked hard to get where they were and I had the utmost respect not to mess with their rules. To be fed and clothed and loved past the age of 18 for free showed me lots of love. Especially since they struggled most of their lives. Were they inflexible? YEP! Were they stubborn? YEP! Were they unwilling to compromise or discuss other options with me? YEP! But you know what - they had my respect. Was pretty easy to just follow the rules. When I messed up and heard that statement I knew I should think about my actions as not to make life harder on them.

 

[Bec3b1g]

I said my house, my rules twice this week. Once when ds20 argued about eating Cheetos on my sofa and he wasn't being careful enough to keep the crumbs off the leather sofa. And also when DS19 NAILED 2 blankets over his windows in his bedroom because his wood blinds apparently let in a sliver of light. We have a really nice home and I have no desire to live in a frat house. I pay the mortgage on my own without their help. My house my rules more than adequately conveys my belief that my home is my most expensive asset and it is to be treated in the manner that I expect.

 

[Miskey]

Truthfully, IRL, I've only heard that phrase uttered by people who were narcissist, sexist, bullies, and their home life was generally a hot mess

 

[disykat]

IRL, I've never really met people who didn't believe that the homeowners set the guidelines for the household. The idea that kids, guests, or renters all have equal say kind of sounds like tv sitcom fodder to me.

Whether it's shoes off, no smoking, respect my religious practices, don't purposely interrupt my sleep, or don't put stuff I think is ugly up in my house, whatever, it's usually the homeowners say.

 

[barkley]

The postings about locking a child out are just heartbreaking.
However
While many of you say "oh well we don't mean it that way".
When I hear the words "My house, my rules" used, it is generally as an ultimatum type of statement.
Its generally used in the context of "you don't like it get out because its my house, I make the rules, end of story" that is what I think when I hear someone say "My house, My rules". I "hear" inflexibility, I "hear" stubbornness and I "hear" unwillingness to compromise or discuss other options.

in our case (with dd who was well over 18 and in college) I'm sure she did see it as an ultimatum type of statement, but it only came after unwillingness on HER part to compromise or discuss other options. the 'rules' in our home aren't arbitrary-they are based on the health, safety, welfare and with consideration for EVERYONE within our home. obviously things have morphed and changed between what the 'rules' were when the kids were toddlers (no touching electronics), to young adolescents (no using the stove w/o adult supervision), to teen non drivers (don't assume or commit mom or dad to drive somewhere w/o clearing it with them ahead of time), to teen drivers (you don't let someone else drive the car) and most recently full blown adults-but there are certain issues that are largely non negotiable-one being that other people need their sleep at night and it's rude and disrespectful to come in at all hours, turning on every light, making a bunch of noise in the kitchen and leaving a mess expecting mom to clean up after you AND fight with you to get your tush out of bed to make it to class on time. another being that since mom and dad pay for the upkeep and maintenance of the home you live in and their car that you drive you will not treat either in a manner that cases direct damage (arguing over/delaying needed repairs, piling up wet dirty laundry such that it damaged flooring, leaving piles of dirty dishes such that it might attract bugs and rodents).

as I said earlier-dd opted a year later to move out, into a rental with a whole new set of 'house rules'-those established by that property owner. some are definatly more lax than ours-others more severe but until she owns her own home she's always going to be subject to rules-they are just generally referred to as 'conditions of rental agreement' (and heck-when she gets her own home she'll get to learn about the ones that go along w/securing and maintaining a mortgage, having homeowner's insurance and maybe even dealing with a dreaded hoa).

 

[piccolopat]

What is the most important thing children need? That would be love. You don't have to supply any vacations or anything else. If they have love , clothes, a place to live and food, how much more do they need? They also need to see that they have loving parents as well.

I think kids also need their parents to teach them to be respectful of others and not be self-centered, to know rules are not suggestions and that they are there for a reason (and challenged if you have a good argument), give them a good moral compass and prepare them to be adults. It really is so much more than hugs, kisses and buying them things.

 

[indimom]

The postings about locking a child out are just heartbreaking.
However
While many of you say "oh well we don't mean it that way".
When I hear the words "My house, my rules" used, it is generally as an ultimatum type of statement.
Its generally used in the context of "you don't like it get out because its my house, I make the rules, end of story" that is what I think when I hear someone say "My house, My rules". I "hear" inflexibility, I "hear" stubbornness and I "hear" unwillingness to compromise or discuss other options.

I can't say that I actually USE that phrase. I'm not sure I ever have.
BUT, as I said before, I do believe that phrase. And if I ever would use it, I would intend for my children to hear inflexibility. Use of that phrase would mean I've hit the bottom line, there are no acceptable alternatives and as head of this household, my minor children will abide by my rules and guidelines.
I would NEVER kick out or lock out my kids, particularly when they are underage. And if they were threatening to leave, I would do everything in my power to prevent it.
But, if an overage "kid" cannot live by my rules and respect our home they would be welcome to leave. And I would help them pack and move into their new place.
All that said, we don't really have any "hard" rules. Our kids are 18 and 15 and we have never had a serious debate about any of the rules we do have. They seem satisfied with our guidelines/expectations.

And for the record that story was horrifying. How very very awful.

 

[Peaseblossom]

Truthfully, IRL, I've only heard that phrase uttered by people who were narcissist, sexist, bullies, and their home life was generally a hot mess

I think, truthfully, IRL, it's frequent uttered by parents of teenagers, who come home from trying days at work to find kids on summer vacation who made a mess, or slept until noon, or walked by a chore that obviously needed doing and didn't do it... or all of the above.

It's an expression of frustration that roughly translates to 'why aren't you pulling your weight, my friend?"

Why so snide?

 

[Miskey]

I think, truthfully, IRL, it's frequent uttered by parents of teenagers, who come home from trying days at work to find kids on summer vacation who made a mess, or slept until noon, or walked by a chore that obviously needed doing and didn't do it... or all of the above.

It's an expression of frustration that roughly translates to 'why aren't you pulling your weight, my friend?"

Why so snide?

I wasn't snide at all. I simply said what has been my real life experiences of hearing that phrase. Thank you very much

 

[Teresa Pitman]

It's an awful - but true - story. My daughter was a year or so younger than the girl who was killed, and it happened very close to where we lived. (In fact, when Paul Bernardo was finally captured, he was literally a couple of blocks from our house.) It really made me think. I would never lock a child out and I always told my kids that if they needed to be picked up, any time, I would come and get them.

My thoughts on this "my house, my rules" thing is that with little ones, you need to be keeping them safe with things like "only adults use the stove." But as they get even a little older, I think it is valuable to be making "rules" more collaboratively. I think the process of negotiating and problem-solving helps to prepare them for life as an adult and the negotiating and working through issues they will need to do when they have roommates, landlords, partners, spouses, etc. What do I need and want, what do they need and want, how can we make things work for everyone? Yes, it takes more time than "my house, my rules" but I think it is part of the parenting process and preparing your child to be an adult.

 

[Peaseblossom]

I wasn't snide at all. I simply said what has been my real life experiences of hearing that phrase. Thank you very much

I guess it depends where you are in your life journey. Being a parent - and a kid for that matter - during that transition period where kids become adults is messy. I don't think uttering that phrase makes you a narcissist, bully or sexist - that seems a black-and-white view and human relationships are anything but.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I guess it depends where you are in your life journey. Being a parent - and a kid for that matter - during that transition period where kids become adults is messy. I don't think uttering that phrase makes you a narcissist, bully or sexist - that seems a black-and-white view and human relationships are anything but.

I don't think they said that uttering the words made a person a narcissist, bully or sexist, but said that the people they've encountered in their life who said it were. I think the difference is important.

 

[pat fan]

That phrase sounds like a method to control someone.

Exactly

 

[Miskey]

I guess it depends where you are in your life journey. Being a parent - and a kid for that matter - during that transition period where kids become adults is messy. I don't think uttering that phrase makes you a narcissist, bully or sexist - that seems a black-and-white view and human relationships are anything but.

You are totally missing what I said. I said the only people that I have personally, in my life, heard with my own ears, utter the phrase, have all been narcissist, sexist bullies. That is why the phrase makes me cringe.

I did NOT say anything about everyone in the world that has, or possibly could ever say the phrase is that same way. Good flipping grief. I'm sure there are some perfectly lovely people in the world that have said "my house, my rules"

 

[minnie mum]

I've not only said it, there were times when our DDs were in their teens when I would have had it put on a Tshirt.

However we were not the narcissistic, bullying, sexist tyrants some posts might have considered us. We had rules in our home, and standards of behavior that applied to everyone in our home. But. Many things were open for rational, reasoned discussion. If the girls could put forth a valid argument to change a house rule, it was considered.

Id really like to see the OP, and a couple of other posters, resurrect this thread when they are dealing with 17 or 18 year old kids of their own.

 

[slo]

Sorry OP, but it is our house (mine and my Dh's) and it is our rules (in regards to my girls)
When they have their own house, with their own kids, then they can run their house however they want.
Following our rules is no different than following rules for a job.
To me, this is preparation for their adult life. If I didn't prepare them for adulthood, it would be like throwing them into the ocean without a life preserver. I don't see that as doing them any favors.
Our rules aren't crazy and outlandish, so they can be followed.
If the rules aren't followed, then there's consequences.
Hopefully the consequences at home will help prevent them from being fired from a job someday or getting off track with school.

I tell my kids all the time, you have a very short amount of time to be a kid, and a much longer time to be an adult. So follow the rules, stay on track and then you'll have the rest of your life to do what you want. (If they are anything like I was as a kid, they think our rules are totally unfair, but then when they have their own kids, they'll have very similar rules to what they grew up with - things like that have a way of going full circle. My rules are very similar to my parents).

Also......their are many kids that don't need to hear this, because they are easy and go with the flow. My youngest is that way, but my oldest is not. Everything is a debate and everything is an argument. I need to say this to her to get her to understand that she doesn't have a choice with certain things, because it is my house and my rules. So, if she doesn't like the fact that I don't allow any of us to wear shoes in the house - to bad - my house my rules. If she doesn't like the fact that I don't want any of us leaving the kitchen a mess after she's done in it - to bad - my house my rules. If she doesn't like the fact that I give her a curfew - to bad - my house my rules. Now, I will bend on some things if she has an adult conversation with me, is able to discuss why she would like something a little different, and is able to make a compromise - I'm not an unreasonable person. But if she wants to do nothing but argue - sorry - my house my rules.

On the topic of guests - it depends on who the guests are.
My kids friends - same rules apply
My adult friends are different because I'm hoping they will use common sense when in my house. If their shoes are muddy, then I'm hoping they'll remove them at the door. If they don't, then I'll politely ask them to take off their shoes. If they want to smoke, I'm hoping they'll take it outside. If not, then I'll have to politely have to ask them to smoke outside.
My rules for everyone are common sense rules.