My house, my rules!

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I've not only said it, there were times when our DDs were in their teens when I would have had it put on a Tshirt.

However we were not the narcissistic, bullying, sexist tyrants some posts might have considered us. We had rules in our home, and standards of behavior that applied to everyone in our home. But. Many things were open for rational, reasoned discussion. If the girls could put forth a valid argument to change a house rule, it was considered.

Id really like to see the OP, and a couple of other posters, resurrect this thread when they are dealing with 17 or 18 year old kids of their own.

Been through it already as have other posters.

I have yet to say "my house, my rules".

Do people actually say this to guests staying in their home? I've had many guests and have never had to lay down the law with any of them.

 

[eliza61]

Been through it already as have other posters.

I have yet to say "my house, my rules".

Do people actually say this to guests staying in their home? I've had many guests and have never had to lay down the law with any of them.

LOL I wondered that also. When my baby brother was young and in his wild days I did have to give him a "warning". I had toddlers in the house and he use to come by to visit, but he was in his twenties and would want to show up in the wee hours of the morning after a night of bar hopping with friends.

I really just chalked that up to being an irresponsible 22 year old. I nipped it in the bud though, after one such visit, I got him up at 6 am to "entertain" his nephews. lol trying to watch a 18month old, a 3 year old and a 7 year old with a hangover and sleep deprived can be a ^%^&

For the most part you don't have to say it to guest because most guest have been host over the years and know how to behave.

 

[TAX GUY]

Been through it already as have other posters.

I have yet to say "my house, my rules".

Do people actually say this to guests staying in their home? I've had many guests and have never had to lay down the law with any of them.

We've said it to our preteen son, several times. Will probably say it to him a few hundred times more too.

The only times I can recall "implying" this to an adult guest was when my wife and I first bought our house (our first house). We used to be smokers as were many of our friends. We would smoke in our cars, in our apartments, etc. When we were moving and cleaning out the apartment, we cleaned the walls (family owned property so we went above and beyond to clean). Anyway, because of all the smoke, we decided then that we would NEVER smoke in our house nor would we let anyone smoke INSIDE our house. When we first had friends over, we would tell them "we aren't smoking in our house and don't want any smoke inside. We'll all go outside to smoke". It was my/our house, and one of my/our rules. We had no problems telling any adult guest this rule. Same applied and was told to my MIL when she moved into the in-law suite. The ONLY rule we had.....no smoking in the house.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Sorry OP, but it is our house (mine and my Dh's) and it is our rules (in regards to my girls)
When they have their own house, with their own kids, then they can run their house however they want.
Following our rules is no different than following rules for a job.
To me, this is preparation for their adult life. If I didn't prepare them for adulthood, it would be like throwing them into the ocean without a life preserver. I don't see that as doing them any favors.
Our rules aren't crazy and outlandish, so they can be followed.
If the rules aren't followed, then there's consequences.
Hopefully the consequences at home will help prevent them from being fired from a job someday or getting off track with school.

I tell my kids all the time, you have a very short amount of time to be a kid, and a much longer time to be an adult. So follow the rules, stay on track and then you'll have the rest of your life to do what you want. (If they are anything like I was as a kid, they think our rules are totally unfair, but then when they have their own kids, they'll have very similar rules to what they grew up with - things like that have a way of going full circle. My rules are very similar to my parents).

Also......their are many kids that don't need to hear this, because they are easy and go with the flow. My youngest is that way, but my oldest is not. Everything is a debate and everything is an argument. I need to say this to her to get her to understand that she doesn't have a choice with certain things, because it is my house and my rules. So, if she doesn't like the fact that I don't allow any of us to wear shoes in the house - to bad - my house my rules. If she doesn't like the fact that I don't want any of us leaving the kitchen a mess after she's done in it - to bad - my house my rules. If she doesn't like the fact that I give her a curfew - to bad - my house my rules. Now, I will bend on some things if she has an adult conversation with me, is able to discuss why she would like something a little different, and is able to make a compromise - I'm not an unreasonable person. But if she wants to do nothing but argue - sorry - my house my rules.

On the topic of guests - it depends on who the guests are.
My kids friends - same rules apply
My adult friends are different because I'm hoping they will use common sense when in my house. If their shoes are muddy, then I'm hoping they'll remove them at the door. If they don't, then I'll politely ask them to take off their shoes. If they want to smoke, I'm hoping they'll take it outside. If not, then I'll have to politely have to ask them to smoke outside.
My rules for everyone are common sense rules.

I know you have posted many times about your troubles with your daughter. Obviously kids need guidelines and we have expectations of behaviour from them. I'm wondering though why you say you will bend on some things if she has an adult conversation with you. Do you see her as an adult? Do you treat and speak to her as an adult?

 

[cabanafrau]

You are totally missing what I said. I said the only people that I have personally, in my life, heard with my own ears, utter the phrase, have all been narcissist, sexist bullies. That is why the phrase makes me cringe.

I did NOT say anything about everyone in the world that has, or possibly could ever say the phrase is that same way. Good flipping grief. I'm sure there are some perfectly lovely people in the world that have said "my house, my rules"

To be fair, I think you are missing the fact that the way you expressed it definitely leaves the impression you disapprove of those who use the phrase because of the extremely derogatory way you characterized those you know who have.

 

[slo]

@AnnaFloridaLover with her being 17yrs old - yes I do expect her to be able to have an adult conversation about things.
Again, this is preparation for adult life.
For example....last weekend she called me very maturely and asked me if she could come home at 12:30am because the fair closed at midnight and she would like to stay until the end with her friends and boyfriend, so I said yes. If she would have called me being argumentative and with an attitude I would have said no. Same thing with a job - go to your employer acting like your entitled to a raise you probably won't get it. Go to your employer with good conversation about why your asking for a raise, and you may get it.

Another thing.........if my kids took me in when I'm old and I had to live with them I would believe that this applies to them.
It would be their house and their rules.
Just because I'm getting mail there doesn't make it my house or even our house - they pay the mortgage, they pay the bills, so it's their house. I need to follow their rules. If I don't like it, then I can find somewhere else to live. They deserve to run their house the way they want.
I'm not one sided with this.

 

[minnie mum]

I have yet to say "my house, my rules".

Do people actually say this to guests staying in their home? I've had many guests and have never had to lay down the law with any of them.

Do I say this to guests in my home? I've never found it necessary. I don't assume that any first time guest is a mind reader and knows any of our house rules. So I will nicely inform them of any that might apply, such as asking them to remove shoes at the door (hey, we're Canadian ) or to smoke outside on the deck. Even our (then) teen DDs friends were able to grasp the concept of respecting the wishes of their hosts. It has never been an issue. BUT (because there always is a but) if a guest in my home did something seriously wrong, you can bet your bottom dollar that they would be shown the door.

 

[Mkrop]

I have no issue with this phrase and I have and will use it. We discuss things, we are not unreasonable but ultimately it is our house/our rules. I have a 17 year old turning 18 next month, he is still in high school but I already had the talk that just bc your an "adult" most of the rules have not changed. It is our house (his parents) and rules stand.

I did pull this during the winter one day, but it was about "his" car. It was a lousy day but no rain or snow yet. His school had an early dismissal already scheduled. He asked if he could drive his buddy and meet a third buddy at the park to play football. I told him I had just looked at the weather channel and the doppler and the bad weather would be here in the hour, so no he could not go. He did not seem to understand the concept of being safe and not driving in the sleet when it is not necessary. After going round and round with him, I finally said.."we may call it your car, but that is really MY car and you will have MY car at our house within the hour, I pay the insurance, and I would pay the repairs if heaven forbid anything happened bc you did not listen and drove in sleet. Also mind you he was driving in a sling but had been given approval to drive and I was not sure how he was going to play football but he said he was going to be QB.

 

[disykat]

I have never had to use this phrase. I've never run into anyone IRL that didn't understand that to just be the norm.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the above post.

Yes, MHMR is my general viewpoint, opinion.
But, it is not usually, ever, required to have to state that openly.

I suspect that by the time this is actually spoken, it is either one or two circumstances.
1. There have been issues regarding lack of respect in one's home, that have really reached that point.
or:
2. The person really is the type of person that the OP says that she has observed.
There really are people like that.

It could be either way.

 

[bcla]

Well - I am having an issue with my in-laws staying over now. They seem to have this notion that they get to decide how our house is set up, and it's getting rather nuts. They're big on certain things that just don't understand. They're big on maximizing space, so they put things away to do so. That included leaning drinking glasses diagonally, so they ended up breaking when the item they were leaning against was pulled out. They've placed knives in ways where someone can get cut reaching for something else. They also told me that dishwashing detergent was toxic, so they tried washing the dishes with just water. I had to wash them all over again to remove the grease and stuff that didn't come off.

I guess the worst thing is tell us how us how to raise our child. Basically this has resulted in several blowups as our kid got upset when grandma took something away that we gave, or she insisted the our kid wasn't eating enough or wasn't eating the right kind of food. They're also big on cooking almost everything to death for fear of contamination (undercooked meat scares them), but then their other food handling techniques (especially cross contamination) would fail any restaurant health inspection.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That doesn't sound like a my house, my rules... kind of thing.
I don't care what house I am at, nobody is going to tell me what, or how much, is going into my body, or my child's body.

However, IMHO, if it ever happened that you and your spouse were to discuss this with your in-laws, then this would very very much be a case where actually stating, very firmly, "My house, my rules." would be very much justified!

PS: BTDT, in similar situations, very very stressful.

 

[fly girl]

Well - I am having an issue with my in-laws staying over now. They seem to have this notion that they get to decide how our house is set up, and it's getting rather nuts. They're big on certain things that just don't understand. They're big on maximizing space, so they put things away to do so. That included leaning drinking glasses diagonally, so they ended up breaking when the item they were leaning against was pulled out. They've placed knives in ways where someone can get cut reaching for something else. They also told me that dishwashing detergent was toxic, so they tried washing the dishes with just water. I had to wash them all over again to remove the grease and stuff that didn't come off.

I guess the worst thing is tell us how us how to raise our child. Basically this has resulted in several blowups as our kid got upset when grandma took something away that we gave, or she insisted the our kid wasn't eating enough or wasn't eating the right kind of food. They're also big on cooking almost everything to death for fear of contamination (undercooked meat scares them), but then their other food handling techniques (especially cross contamination) would fail any restaurant health inspection.

Oh dear. Miserable in your own home. I am truly sorry.

Big question ... when are they leaving? We need to have a happy dance countdown for this.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't mind the philosophy behind the phrase but I've never used it. I always found it kind of mean when my mother used it but maybe it was her tone. That makes a big difference IMO. You can be firm without yelling or being angry.

 

[DawnM]

I don't get why anyone would have a problem with saying that there are indeed house rules.

And about who pays/works, really? I don't work right now, we have a special needs son who needs my attention, but DH actually was the one who wanted me to stay home. If he ever said anything about me not having a say because I don't bring home money, I would be heating out with my resume tomorrow! I can work and I like working, so any comment would have me bringing in money too.

 

[Disney Doll]

I remember hearing that when I was a kid.

It gave me a clear understanding that the world did not revolve around me and my whims/desires and that there would always be rules to follow.

 

[Rhombus]

I wish I could say "My House, My Rules".

But the old lady won't permit it, even though it is MY house. We're not married and her name isn't on the title or deed.

It's pretty much, My house, HER rules. She sometimes lets me think I'm the boss, but deep down I realize she's in charge.

 

[Lilliputian]

I don't think I've ever said the phrase to someone, but I have nothing wrong with the sentiment, used appropriately. Yes, there are issues where it's a good idea to be accommodating, or when you should listen to older children explain why a standing rule isn't working for them. On the other hand, most of us do have issues where we just can't bend, and that's okay.

We've had some disagreements with house guests regarding food in our house. We have children with food allergies, and we don't allow the foods that they're most allergic to in our home at all. They have some milder allergens that are allowed in the house if eaten the proper way (e.g., at the table to be cleaned up immediately afterward rather than taken all over the house to spread crumbs), but there are a few foods which have caused extreme reactions in the past, and those foods simply NEVER come into our home. Our feeling is that our children have to be careful all the time when we're away from home to not touch their faces because they know their allergens could be anywhere. At home, they need to be allowed to touch whatever they want and know that they're safe. Guests are free to go to any restaurant they like, eat whatever they want, and wash their hands upon returning to our home. Likewise, we have a child with a dog allergy and asthma, and no dogs are allowed in the house because it will make him have an asthma attack. We've had guests try to get us to change our minds, or tell us why they know better than us and that certain foods would actually never kill our children, but they don't get to decide. Our house, our rules. They're welcome to go cover a dog with peanuts at their own house any time they want.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I'm not going to tell anyone else how to raise their kids because it's not my business, I'm getting this statement out of the way to head off the people who disagree with my opinion and think my response is a personal attack. it's not.

Personally, i do feel that my kids should blindly obey me. I expect it and that's what I get (though i do get pushback from my 12 year old, I think that's normal). I don't always ask for blind obedience, I allow my kids to be individuals and to take charge of things, make decisions, etc. I do this with the understanding that when mom gives an order (as opposed to asking the kids to do something) my kids expected to comply. They're not allowed to whine, "but whyyyyyyyyyyy?" when I tell them to do something, they just do it or there's punishment. Like i said, not every interaction with my kids is an order, but when I do give an order they better do it "because i said so". God and Jesus are the ultimate authority in this house, but parents are the second in command (my husband and I share this second in command spot

I'll add that I don't believe in physical punishment, I have never spanked my kids, ever. I don't need physical punishment to get them to listen to me. We use other, age-appropriate forms of discipline in this house, ranging from time-out to grounding and taking of privileges. My kids have heard the speech many times: food, water, clothing, and shelter are basic human rights, everything else is a privilege and can be taken away. My son is on the autism spectrum and disciplining him can be a challenge, we work with his therapists to come up with appropriate discipline for him. I prefer to use mostly positive parenting techniques, but discipline and punishment definitely have a place in my parenting repertoire and darn right I expect my kids to do things just because I say so. As far as I'm concerned, they don't need any more information than that. My oldest is 12 so I guess we'll figure out more as we go along, I don't really see myself softening on that issue though.

 

[mummabear]

I can tell you that they "my house my rules" lead to me move out at 15...