My house, my rules!

[FairestOfThemAll37]

Am I the only one who cringes at hearing this phrase?

I absolutely hate it! I see it routinely on this board and hear it out in the world referring to a variety of circumstances.

Yes, children needs rules and boundaries. I also feel like it should be their home as well. It's not like kids have a choice as to where to live growing up (at least the bulk of kids don't).

Ok, so some people say that I pay for everything including the house so I make the rules. Does this apply when one partner in a relationship makes all the money or maybe has the house? You should follow all their rules and not protest because they're benevolent enough to allow you to live there? I wonder how many people would put up with a partner who says "if you don't like my rules then you can leave!"

I guess I've always just thought it odd that so many think that raising a child well means blind obedience. At what age to kids get to have opinions and protests that are entertained? Isn't expressing what and why you disagree teaching important critical thinking and negotiating skills?

That's not to say kids should be running the house and always get their way. I've just seen so many approaches to children as "I don't negotiate with terrorists" approach. Always has baffled me.

 

[eliza61]

lol doesn't baffle me at the least and I have absolutely no problems saying this to my sons.

In fact, I see way more of the opposites, children who run over mom and dad and run amok. I sincerely believe that a bunch of folks are either scared of their children or want to be friends with their children. I had a neighbor who could not control her older teen kid. kid did drugs in the house, disrespectful and a whole bunch of other stuff. I am neither.

Now don't get me wrong, you have to be age appropriate. saying that to a 5 year old isn't going to do much.

not sure how you equate that to blind obedience as most rules in my house are fairly self explanatory.


My son's were famous for saying "but jimmy's mom let's him ______") to which I always say, "go live with Jimmy then".

So proud mom who has no problem telling my kids "any time you want to make your own rules, I will be more than happy to help you pack".

and yes, I expect certain treatment from my husband also. you do not get to lie next to me in my bed and then treat me any way you please. now the old guy wouldn't have to worry about where he was living because he'd be to worried about whether I added arsenic to his food.

lol, my husband use to joke that he never messed up because
My mother was an attorney, my dad was a cop and my uncle owned a funeral home.
I could murder him, have him buried and get away with the crime.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think it's a bit like anything else, there's a time and a place and moderation is key. I just recently posted on another thread about the fact that we raised our daughters to express their position on things and if they could manage to present a good argument to us they might convince us. Some things obviously aren't up for negotiation, but there's plenty of things we'd hear them out on if they seemed to have a point to make. It seems to have gelled into them understanding we respect them as human beings and they generally managed to treat us the same, as opposed to evil overlords. Another bonus is they're pretty comfortable speaking up for themselves in situations and have developed some negotiation skills as well.

 

[Monykalyn]

See- I don't see the "My house my rules" as blind obedience. It's more of parents setting limits and rules. It is also up to parent to enforce the limits and rules and kids will always try to challenge those rules like curfew, chores etc. I guess I can see the "dictator" like part if there is never any flexibility in those rules (within reason). My kids all have daily chores and they are also required to help out on special projects as needed (helping in garden/yard work, cleaning etc) but they do have flexibility in those as well-as an example they had a couple more daily chores over the summer (they are off, and I work) so they had a list most mornings-it was up to them as to who did what and when-BUT they needed to be done by 3pm. Setting clear expectations but letting them some options meant no fighting with them. I always do try to never have things that will take more than an hour tops-they need to help out as part of family life yes, but they aren't here to be slaves either.
As a result of clear expectations and rules we really don't have problems with the kids-and they have learned that when they really need something to change we are flexible as well. We have never really set a hard curfew for our oldest either-she is very responsible and we know where she is at all times-she has earned that trust so no need to set an arbitrary hour. And I really think the responsibility came from the rules and expectations set
They don't get allowances as for chores as that just sets up whining about money, but they do get spending money when they need it-and all the kids have savings accounts for birthday money etc.

 

[TAX GUY]

But it is my house, my rules. In my house, you HELP. Why do I have to do that? Because you live here too and will help. In this house, everyone helps. That's the rule. Don't want to help or don't like the rule, go get your own house and make that one of the non-rules.

 

[eliza61]

Also a lot of times you use it, it's not for any life threatening situation.

For example my youngest has a horrible habit of washing 1 article of clothing. lol he seriously will fill up the washing machine for 1 shirt and then think I was crazy when I informed him that, that ain't happening.

So yes, I played the "I pay the bill" card. You want to run up your water and electricity bill not to mention waste expensive detergent, you can do it when you move into your own place but as long as you live in my house.....

 

[Monykalyn]

I think it's a bit like anything else, there's a time and a place and moderation is key. I just recently posted on another thread about the fact that we raised our daughters to express their position on things and if they could manage to present a good argument to us they might convince us. Some things obviously aren't up for negotiation, but there's plenty of things we'd hear them out on if they seemed to have a point to make. It seems to have gelled into them understanding we respect them as human beings and they generally managed to treat us the same, as opposed to evil overlords. Another bonus is they're pretty comfortable speaking up for themselves in situations and have developed some negotiation skills as well.

We do something similar when they express a 'want' and not a 'need'. they also know following expectations without whining goes along way when getting that "want"

 

[TAX GUY]

I want to add too....when our son has friends over, my rules apply to them as well. For instance, "jimmy, we don't leave trash on the floor/furniture. Pick it up and throw it in the trash can over there". Or, "Jimmy, you should help pick up all the stuff since you used it too"

 

[fly girl]

It doesn't bother me. However, my child is younger so I'm looking at it from a different angle I think.


We have house rules, and when dd's friends are over I will always ask her friends to abide by them. (ie, the big one parents allow and I don't like is kids saying "what the heck" and "friggin'"). Of course, I can't expect them to know our rules, so if I hear it I let them know in a kind way. Never had an issue with compliance or a parent getting upset. In the same token, when dd is at her friends house she must abide by those rules.


Now when my kid is older the phrase will have a different connotation. And I won't hesitate to say it for something I have no tolerance for. If it's something that could be up for negotiation, then I'm open to discussions. However I will first and foremost always be your parent. I'm not in a popularity contest. I'm not your friend. I'm making sure I'm doing my best to make sure you turn out to be a good human being.

 

[eliza61]

I want to add too....when our son has friends over, my rules apply to them as well. For instance, "jimmy, we don't leave trash on the floor/furniture. Pick it up and throw it in the trash can over there". Or, "Jimmy, you should help pick up all the stuff since you used it too"

Taxguy, my son had a friend who's dad turned their living/dining room into a hockey rink, seriously. I saw it. actually spent a bit of cash doing it. Unfortunately said kid thought that everyone else also let their kids play hockey in the house.
Needless to say, I had to explain that in "this house", all games involving sticks or balls are played in the yard. He very, very nicely asked me "why" and I said "my house, my rules".

 

[littlejimmy]

ive used it and continue to use it and my kids are college age. doesn't mean "blind obedience". means for example, you may sleep together with your boyfriend when you guys are in college, but not at my house...my house, my rules...that sort of thing.

 

[barkley]

we never had any set 'rules' in our home until we hit a certain point (i'll explain below) it was more a matter of there were/are certain expectations about how the household operates and the routine we need to maintain. it changed over the years-often b/c of changes in our kid's school/extracurricular/social lives but nothing major.

NOW-when dd started college and decided to still live at home we got allot of pushback from her. she kept pulling the 'I am an adult' card and arguing about how things operated. we had already made some concessions based on her new situation but she kept pushing the envelope-and we (dh and I) knew her younger brother was watching every bit of it and likely taking mental notes on how effective her tactics were. we attempted to reason w/her and explain our position on certain things but i'll be honest and say it did become heated at times such that dh and I finaly told her that if she was indeed an 'adult' then she needed to recognize that until she owned her own home she was going to be subject to whatever rules the owner of any property she lived in put in place as a condition of living there.

dd's sophomore year she moved into an apartment w/roommates. she was full of high hopes about living how she wanted to live. she found out pretty quickly that landlord's put house rules into place too-and unlike w/her parents there can be severe financial consequences if those rules are broken (she's seen friends evicted from their housing). she's seen that w/out everyone setting some ground 'house' rules and abiding by them it can become a chaotic household that borders on impossible to operate in (one roommate using laundry detergent in the dishwasher which flooded the kitchen and living room, several that feel they shouldn't have to wash their dishes let alone unload the clean stuff from the dishwasher, garbage not being taken out such that an infestation of fruit flies happen, an illegal dog being brought in and bathed in the shower such that the drain becomes clogged so the shower is unusable....). there have been times when she has very happily and gratefully retreated for a few days or up to a week back home, and has come to see that the 'rules' in our home are in place for valid reasons.

she's now aiming to get her own apartment next year-b/c she wants to be able to accept the terms of a landlord while establishing her own 'house rules'.

 

[eliza61]

w

NOW-when dd started college and decided to still live at home we got allot of pushback from her. she kept pulling the 'I am an adult' card and arguing about how things operated. we had already made some concessions based on her new situation but she kept pushing the envelope-and we (dh and I) knew her younger brother was watching every bit of it and likely taking mental notes on how effective her tactics were. we attempted to reason w/her and explain our position on certain things but i'll be honest and say it did become heated at times such that dh and I finaly told her that if she was indeed an 'adult' then she needed to recognize that until she owned her own home she was going to be subject to whatever rules the owner of any property she lived in put in place as a condition of living there.

dd's sophomore year she moved into an apartment w/roommates. she was full of high hopes about living how she wanted to live. she found out pretty quickly that landlord's put house rules into place too-and unlike w/her parents there can be severe financial consequences if those rules are broken (she's seen friends evicted from their housing). she's seen that w/out everyone setting some ground 'house' rules and abiding by them it can become a chaotic household that borders on impossible to operate in (one roommate using laundry detergent in the dishwasher which flooded the kitchen and living room, several that feel they shouldn't have to wash their dishes let alone unload the clean stuff from the dishwasher, garbage not being taken out such that an infestation of fruit flies happen, an illegal dog being brought in and bathed in the shower such that the drain becomes clogged so the shower is unusable....). there have been times when she has very happily and gratefully retreated for a few days or up to a week back home, and has come to see that the 'rules' in our home are in place for valid reasons.

'.

Well said Barkley,

I think kids especially those of our kids age, have this sense of "when I become an adult, I'll do what I want, when I want to".

Most find out very quickly just like we did that usually adulthood brings just as many rules without the flexibility.

LOL, I heard this older women at my church say, "kids spend 9 months trying to get out of the womb and 50 years trying to climb back in".

 

[Deb in IA]

Anytime you have people living together, you have to have rules - or else anarchy reigns.

Of course, children, especially as they get older, can and do have input - but the ultimate say in major decisions is still with us.

 

[cjbcam]

My sister lets her kids rule the house. They are rude and and feel entitled to everything. My sister is always saying I have too many rules. Her two youngest were over and pretty much got all the toys in my DD room out. I told the three of them (her two DD and my one dd) it was time to clean up, my 8 year old niece replied "no I am a guest I do not have to clean up here." My response was if you want to come back to my house to play with my DD again you will, everyone who makes a mess cleans it in my house.

 

[BellsFam]

I agree whole-heartedly with just about every single reply.

It is not blind-obedience, it is just plain old manners! I am part of the group of people who are raising kids to "be free"! Many of DDs peers are free to literally run rampant and if I scold them on the rules of my house they are appalled at my treatment of their darling! However I know if my 6yrold went to your house with or without me, you'd better believe she would be respectful of your home and your rules.

 

[Kogo Shuko]

My House, My Rules teaches kids something, whether you know it or not.

It is teaching them how the world really works.

There are also similar rules in the workplace. You have to FOLLOW the rules, because management has put them in place and they pay you. If you don't want to follow the rules and guidelines, find a new job.

Yes, there is a time and place for "My House, My Rules," but I think for the most part, those who say those things do it at the RIGHT moments, not the wrong ones.

 

[MickeySP]

I want to add too....when our son has friends over, my rules apply to them as well. For instance, "jimmy, we don't leave trash on the floor/furniture. Pick it up and throw it in the trash can over there". Or, "Jimmy, you should help pick up all the stuff since you used it too"

Absolutely agree. My DS & his friends always knew what was & wasn't tolerated in our home. The rules were the rules, especially no NY logos allowed.

It was my house my rules, however some rules were negotiable & less rigid.

 

[TAX GUY]

Absolutely agree. My DS & his friends always knew what was & wasn't tolerated in our home. The rules were the rules, especially no NY logos allowed.

It was my house my rules, however some rules were negotiable & less rigid.

Just made me think back to last fall, my son is a Ravens and Orioles fan (don't ask, I have no idea). During the football playoff's, when the Pats and Ravens were playing, I told him that in my house, its only Pats fans. If he wished to watch the game, he would have to go somewhere else (of course I was joking).

 

[Dawnlight]

Yes, it's the children's house, too, but I'm the parent and I get to make the hard decisions, including setting rules for what is and isn't allowed in the home. I also get to make decisions about their health, even though it's their body. Should parents ask their kids if they want vaccines or not? No, I'm the parent, it's my my responsibility to make the call, not theirs.

I don't really have a problem with the "My house, my rules" line. I also enforce my house, my rules when people come to visit. I don't allow smoking and prefer that shoes are left at the door.