Major Vent-and the Reason that I'm Going to Go For Custody After All

[JasonLyons]

many long post

 

[honeywolf7]

You know what, ripleysmom....I really don't care what you believe. You weren't inside the marriage. Thom may have let me DIS, but he shut down any friendship I had IRL. He told me that I'd better not tell people "bad things" about him because he wants everyone to like him so much. As far as being a control freak, Thom was a major control freak. I wore what he told me to wear, wasn't allowed to cut my hair shorter than a shorter length, and was made to account for every cent I spent. If I didn't like it, he would just say "my way or no way." Thom has an illness which he refuses to have treated and which he doesn't admit he has. It's called bipolar disorder and he's been diagnosed twice by different psychologists. Basically, I got through his time periods when he was in what they call "mania" to get to the periods when he was either in a depression (when he told me that he wasn't good enough for me and couldn't believe what he'd done in the past to me) and the time periods when he was just a normal human being. The periods of mania were when he spent money that was supposed to be for other things (things that were important to me and to our daily life), when he cheated on the Internet, when he decided he was too good for me and when he was abusive. As far as the girlfriend goes, I hope he does find someone who can live with him but I also hope he gets some help first. Linda (the woman from Oklahoma) had been his girlfriend for almost two years and I didn't mention the abuse thing to you then, so why would I "make it up" because he chose to spend a weekend with some bimbo that he sent home after he was done with her and never plans to call again?

 

[ripleysmom]

That is, of course, your right not to care what I said.

I have to ask, how in the world were you able to be friends with Roger (or the other guy that you were posting about) if he shut down your friendships?

After what you just posted though, how you can continue to justify leaving your children with this man is beyond my comprehension.

I truly feel sorry for your children.

 

[honeywolf7]

His abuse/control of me (and the fact that he says that he will decide what punishments to give/not give Jessi and Bobby when they get to be teenagers....meaning I could catch her in the act of drinking or something else that I strongly disagree with at age 13 and ground her and the grounding would only apply to my home) is another part of why I'm going for custody. The other guy that is my friend is basically a brand new friend. Roger has been my friend for two years but Thom really didn't know about him (I kept Roger from Thom.) Roger hates Thom because of what Thom has put me through and when I finally admitted a couple of weeks ago that I was scared of what Thom might do to me physically if I pushed another issue (had nothing to do with the kids), he basically said that if Thom ever laid another finger on me he'd regret it. Considering that Roger's 6'1", about 275 (a lot of which is muscle) and Thom is only 5'10", 210 I'm not quite as scared anymore of what Thom might do. My roommates also know about some of the things that Thom has done in the past and the guys say that he'd have to get through them first.

 

[honeywolf7]

And like I said, I don't really care what you buy or don't buy. Those people who know me IRL know me well enough to believe me and you don't....It's as simple as that. As far as the birthday party, it was just what made me see what would happen if I allowed him to retain custody and that he would use it as a means to continue controlling and emotionally abusing me.

 

[pollyanna]

Originally posted by honeywolf7
He's been doing it in other ways (more subtle), but yes, he has been shutting me out of their lives (more Jessi's than Bobby's.) For instance, I wasn't told about parent/teacher conferences today and given a chance to attend. I'm not told about things Jessi is going to do at school. .

As a parent who was very involved in my kid's school life,I can not for the life of me understand how Thom can keep school info from you? If you want custody...GET INVOLVED IN YOUR KIDS LIFE.Go to their schools...meet the teachers....get a schedule of meetings,open houses.....get on a mailing list. Stop blaming your ex and start acting like a parent....if you intend on "reallly" going for custody,that is.

 

[honeywolf7]

Pollyanna, I don't drive. I depend on bus transportation or (when I can get it) my mom's help. I do feel that Thom had an obligation to let me know about the parent/teacher conferences just as he had an obligation to tell me their school pictures had been taken and give me the opportunity to order them. He did neither thing.

 

[pollyanna]

Sorry, honeywolf, you're sounding like the victim again. If you want to get out of this guy's control..YOU have to get involved YOURSELF and stop relying on a controlling EX to 'give you info".


But then ,if you did that, what would you be able to whine about on the DIS,right?

 

[Mskanga]

I have been reading this thread and didn't answer until now but I only want to say one thing, if my husband abused me there's no question in my mind that I would leave but no way in hell I would leave without my children. One more thing, having children and living with them is not a right, it's a priviledge.
I feel really sorry for the children and for their own sake I hope someone gets them out of that situation soon!

 

[honeywolf7]

And then who would you be able to attack, since that seems to be your favorite thing to do.

 

[honeywolf7]

And then who would you be able to attack, since that seems to be your favorite thing to do.

 

[marlasmom]

I will help you find a lawyer, a counselor, a scholarship, a job, a place to live. I will not give you sympathy. Even if your husband is not abusive to the kids (and as others have pointed out, if he is abusive to you, the chances of his hurting the kids are great), what kind of a jerk brings his girlfriend to spend the night at his house after knowing her for a couple of days? Those kids must feel so unwanted and unloved. On the other hand he went to the parent teacher conference so that does say something for him. I too cannot understand why you are not involved in their school life.

I repeat you cannot abandon your children because things are tough. My daughter is a single mom. Her husband left her without a cent (and has never given her a dime) when she was in nursing school. She borrowed $ to get through and she did get through and although she still has massive debts from that time, she is earning a good living and is a wonderful mom.

Young mothers often have a tough time. It sort of goes with the territory. I can't remember who was posting the other day about how desperately they want children and have not been successful.

You need to pull up your socks and get busy. Let me know what you need.I will not give you sympathy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

HW Thom is under no obligation to "let you know". It is your obligation to become proactive, to ask, and be prepared.
Parent teacher conferences are set before school even starts so I am sorry but you can't blame this one on your husband.

 

[becka]

Before this thread gets locked I thought I would throw in my 1/2 cent...

HW bottom line is that you have made some bad choices. Choices that have not been good for your kids. If you really are serious about starting to act like a parent then you need to take responsibility for your own actions and inactions and stop playing the victim and blaming your ex for everything.

Comments you have made in the past have not been reflective of a person who is ready to seriously take on the committment of raising children. I really believe that you could do more damage to your kids by making halfway committment decisions. If you are there for them, then you are not, then you are, then you are not you are just going to confuse them even more than they already are. Make a decision and then LIVE it. It is time to grow up and do what is best for your children. You had your time to do what is best for you - it is time to be there for your kids.

 

[honeywolf7]

Becka, I know I've made some bad choices. The main bad choice I made is that I should never have been involved with Thom in the first place. If I did choose to be involved with him, I should have ended things the first time he hit me. I don't want to make a half-way commitment, but I haven't had anyone to stand behind me (even my own mother who never defended me when my dad hit me right in front of her won't stand behind me or help me get a lawyer to get the kids.) I honestly didn't feel like I had anywhere to turn. I don't want sympathy, but I do want to be told the best way to go about getting the kids from someone who doesn't deserve them.

 

[becka]

I was also going to add that if you have been involved in your kids lives at all in the past then you probably should realize that parent/teacher conferences and school pictures happen about the same time every year. Even if this is the first year in a new school they pretty much all follow the same timetable. You don't need a car to get info from the school...use the phone. Be proactive in your children's education for their sake.

 

[honeywolf7]

UMMMM....this is Jessi's first year of school period and school pictures have happened at all different times in daycare. Oh, and I did try to be proactive. I asked Thom two weeks ago about when report cards went out, etc. and he said that he "didn't think they got report cards."

 

[aahmom1]

Pollyanna, I don't drive. I depend on bus transportation or (when I can get it) my mom's help

Why don't you drive? Go get your driver's license, what are you waiting for?

As for this..

he says that he will decide what punishments to give/not give Jessi and Bobby when they get to be teenagers....

What does that have to do with today?

and this..

Becka, I know I've made some bad choices. The main bad choice I made is that I should never have been involved with Thom in the first place.

Too late, you already made that choice and it's done. It's time to move on and grow up. Maybe you should stop spending so much time concenttrating on Roger and dedicate yourself to making your childrens life better.

Now that Thom has mental conditions (I saw that coming a mile away BTW) you should be in a bigger hurry to get the kids out of there. If you know how low he can get with his moods, why would you subject your kids to that? Basicallly he's good enough for them but he's not good enough for you, that's fair to them.

 

[becka]

Ummmm...were you ever in school? I attended a lot of schools and school pictures were usually taken sometime between mid-September to mid-October. Even my son's daycare took pictures then.

As for P/T conferences those are usually held a month or two into the school session after the teacher has had a chance to get to know the kids and offer feedback.

Do you also need help knowing when schools hold the Christmas programs?

This has gotten really off topic but it just seems silly for you to complain about it being your ex's fault that you miss these things. A simple phone call to the school can give you lots of information and I bet you could find some time to get over to the school. Most schools are accessible by public transportation at least where I live so if you need to take the bus then take the bus. You also have the right to call and talk to her teacher if you need information.

You say that you have no one to stand behind you and that you just want someone to tell you what to do but as has been stated many, many times there are times when you have to do things YOURSELF and stop blaming others for your problems. It does not do anyone any good to continue to play the victim. You need to learn to be proactive for your sake and for the sake of your kids.

 

[honeywolf7]

Just for your information, I do spend more time with the kids than I do with Roger by a lot. He is an excellent father and he encourages me to be an excellent mother. He also is supportive of the decisions that I make about their care (not whether they're with Thom or me, which he has never expressed an opinion about but their day to day care), which Thom never was. He always said that he knew better than me how to care for the children and because of the things he told me about myself, I believed him.
As far as why he's good enough for the kids but not good enough for me, it's because I have NEVER seen him treat them badly. There has been no emotional or physical abuse or neglect of them. On the other hand, he has done those things (emotional and physical abuse) to me. The only way in which he has really failed them is failing to provide as well financially for them as he could because he spends his money on things he shouldn't (all the new technological junk that comes out) and then has had to make them do without things that they could have if he didn't spend his money on that.
Edited to add:
The schools that I went to took pictures in the spring. This school is NOT accessible by public transportation (it's a very small private Kindergarten.) As far as parent/teacher conferences, he lied to me and told me they didn't happen and that the kids don't get report cards. That's not blaming him for not giving me information....that's blaming him for lying to me. I don't plan to ever trust him again, so I've learned from that mistake and yes, believing him because I thought that he had the best interests of the children in mind is my mistake. The reason that my mom doesn't stand behind me is because she feels it would be better for me to not have the kids right now (not better for the kids, better for me.) I personally don't care what's better for me anymore. Like you said, I was the one who made the mistake of being with the jerk. I have to be the one to pay for that, not the kids.