Major Vent-and the Reason that I'm Going to Go For Custody After All

[snoopy]

Pollyanna, I would think that might be true in the case of an older child, but her son is just turning 3 years old. I would think the parents would be mature enough to put their feelings aside for the sake of the child, especially one as young as 3. He is probably very confused as to why his mother is not there to celebrate his birthday, and why some woman his father just met is there instead.

 

[TheLionKing]

I think a three year old deciding who he wants at a birthday party is a little different than an adult deciding who he wants at a wedding.

Of course he wants both his parents there. The question is, can both parents be amicable to each other so the party is not turned into a fight.

If, for whatever reason, Thom did not think that would happen, whether it is because of his possibility for spoiling things or his mistaken belief that you could not conduct yourself properly, then separate parties is probably the best compromise.

 

[honeywolf7]

Well, I just got an apology phone call....It seems that everyone cancelled on the party as soon as they found out I wasn't invited.

 

[KAREN55555]

Here's my first question. Why don't you have custody of your children?

I am just coming out of a similar situaton and I can tell you time will make things better. One word of advice is document EVERYTHING. Phone calls, visits etc. You may beed them in court later.

I have custody of my son and I have an ex similar to yours. One of the best things I did was not focus so much on my ex and how much of a bad parent he was. Some times ex's are fueled by there ex wives. If you don't give them the fuel they can't run anymore. One day I woke up and decided to stop concentrating on my ex and start concentrating on my son and on myself. And do you know it worked. I now feel so fantastic. I focous my attention and energy on my child. Yes my ex will still have a bimbo of the week but I don't care. My son is only 4 and he's been going through this for 2 years. I figure he will see what his father is like for himself. As much as I'd like to I NEVER say anything bad about my ex to my son or around him. I think that is a key step. Let your children come to there own conclusions when they are old enough. And believe me they will see through your ex.

Good Luck feel free to PM me if you need any support

 

[6_Time_Momma]

His birthday party is cancelled now? Poor kid! It is sad to see the kids in the middle of things.

 

[honeywolf7]

Kristy, yeah I feel bad about that part. The good thing is that my mom and I took him and Jessi out for lunch and ice cream and he still got presents (a stuffed walrus from me, a Bob The Builder set from my mom, a Mr. Potato Head from Thom, and a Goofy car from Thom's mom.) He also got a cake on his actual birthday. The only people who were going to be at the party were Thom's friend, his wife, and their two daughters and Thom's dad and stepmom. So, Bobby didn't miss out on too much. According to Thom, Bobby walked up to Thom's visitor when he got home and said "You're not my mommy....I don't want you here" (no, I promise I didn't coach him.) Thom says he won't be seeing his visitor again because she wasn't very pretty.

 

[Saffron]

Honeywolf, I've always stayed out of the problems you post, but I just want to say that's really sad. Your son thought he was having a party, now he's not. All of the adults, which include the parents, the girlfriend and the guests, need to think about Bobby and deal with their feelings about what is happening at another time.

 

[honeywolf7]

I totally agree with you, Safron....That's why I was SO careful to not let Bobby know how I felt. I told Thom it wasn't right and I feel bad about Bobby's party being cancelled, but I do hope it taught Thom a lesson.

 

[Serena]

I don't have any advice. {{{hugs}}}

 

[honeywolf7]

By the way, Karen....The main reason I don't have custody is that I was too scared to try to go against Thom. Yes, I know I've told you guys on the board that I think it's better for the kids, etc. but to be honest I'm just scared of what a man who threw a couch at me when I was four months pregnant as well as abusing me by slapping met, etc throughout the marriage could do to me.

 

[Saffron]

I'm sorry that he's been physically abusive to you Becky. One thing you can do, is go to the counseling or health center at your school and talk to someone about this. They can probably set you up with women who have gone through the same thing. I'm sure they work with organizations that can help you out with all sorts of support. No one should have to endure any sort of abuse. No one should feel so scared that they're willing to give up their children instead of fight for them. That's so sad. {{{{Hugs}}}} Good luck to you.

 

[honeywolf7]

Saffron, I'm going to do that. I didn't want to admit that I've been abused because it makes me feel weak/powerless.

 

[CookieGVB]

Ugh! Men like that COUNT on you being frightened, feeling helpless, worthless, etc.

Sounds like he did a number on your head. Please be sure to seek counseling for yourself. Believe me, I know - I've been there. Good luck to you.

 

[Saffron]

Becky -- look at you! You're out of the situation to make a better life for yourself and your children, you're in school to make a better life for yourself and your children, you're making sure your children are cared for, you're in a loving relationship, you're moving forward. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do the things you're doing and it takes a lot of strength and courage to seek help and support when you need it. You ARE strong.

 

[Tuffcookie]

If you get out of a marriage because of domestic violence DO NOT give over custody willingly!!!

TC

 

[pollyanna]

Originally posted by honeywolf7
Bbut to be honest I'm just scared of what a man who threw a couch at me when I was four months pregnant as well as abusing me by slapping met, etc throughout the marriage could do to me.

And you felt it wise for a violent man to have custody??

 

[honeywolf7]

Pollyanna, I don't know why but he's not violent towards the children. I'd rather them have a mother that's alive but doesn't have custody than not have a mother (and he has threatened my life if I tried to get custody.)

 

[Tuffcookie]

HW, Do not give in to a bully! You need to show your child what a brave, couragous mom he has. If your soon to be ex was violent towards you when you were prenant, he has shown that he can be violent toward your child. Now think about that one!

TC

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I have to agree with Pollyanna. A violent person is a violent person. If you're not around to vent on, the violence will most likely turn toward your children.

If you are truly serious about having a more active custody role, then you'll need to reconsider your own current living arrangements. You're going to have to have a place with room for your children.

 

[wvjules]

By the way, Karen....The main reason I don't have custody is that I was too scared to try to go against Thom. Yes, I know I've told you guys on the board that I think it's better for the kids, etc. but to be honest I'm just scared of what a man who threw a couch at me when I was four months pregnant as well as abusing me by slapping met, etc throughout the marriage could do to me.

Pardon my stupidity, but why in the world would anyone leave their children with an abusive father? No matter what theats were made to me, I would have gotten my children out of that situation. As for him not being violent towards the children. I think "YET" needs to be added to that statement. There's no way in hell I'd leave my child with a man that has been so violent towards me. I also think a judge would question that too.

And the start of this topic about the the birthday party. My DD hasn't had a birthday with her dad and I both there since we separated. I don't think not being invited to the party he's hosting is that big of a deal. The "bimbo" being there shouldn't even be a part of the problem. If he invited her to the party, then he might have had more than just "one night stand" feelings for her and wanted to include her in his children's lives. I think that's actually a good thing.