Not to be rude, but who gives a fig what Dr. Phil would say. I would bet that most of the people here passing judgement have never be in the situation. It is because people pass judgement on the victim and often outright say that they are lying, that victims stay and are afraid.
Now I don't know Becki and I can't say with certainty that she didn't want a carefree life and that is why she left her kids with Thom. But I do know many abused wives, and Becki's story rings true. If you ever have known someone who was abused, they often go through great lengths to cover it up. Not only because of embarrasment, but because the abuser MADE her believe she did something wrong not him.
I went to the Sexual Assualt, Sexual Harrassment and Domestic Violence conference less than a month ago...and the best line I heard during the conference is "everyone always asks the victim 'why did you stay' but no one ever asks the abuser 'why did you beat'"
Please bear in mind that abusers do not walk up to a person, punch them in the face and then ask them for a date. They are the nicest guys when you first meet them. Then little by little they tear down the self esteem, they get the victim isolated from friends and family, they slowly make the victim believe that they wouldn't yell, belittle, hit etc "if only you did better". They also are all apologies, flowers, and candy the next day...begging for forgiveness and telling you that only you can change them. It is a pattern that is hard to break. Also, very often the abuse gets to be the worst right after the victim decides to leave.
With that in mind, Becki, I hope you get the help you need. As I said before, talk with a lawyer...check with your local victim advocacy agency for a referal. But do try and get the kids away, because while he might not abuse them now, as they get older and have their own will, he might try to subject them also. If you haven't done so, write down all incidences that you can remember. Also do see the counselor. You need to rebuild the self esteem that has been torn down. And while I know you are in a happy relationship, please do not get offended if the counselor states it might not be best. Often, domestic violence victims, need to be alone and happy with themselves, before they can be happy in a relationship....even if they do seem happy in it. Reason being, because they are basing their self esteem on their partner and not themselves.
And be advised, while someone here stated that the judge would frown on you leaving the kids with him if he has been abusive, unfortunetaly that is not true. (edited to say, not unfortunately for you, but just in general that the courts don't take the issue of abuse in a marriage seriously many times and also do not see that it could put the children at a higher risk of being abused by the abuser down the line). There are many cases in which the abusive husband gets full visitation without any kids of supervision since he hasn't touched the kids. I have seen this happen even where there are restraining orders keeping the abuser away from the victim...all they needed to do was get a third party to do the pick ups and drop offs.
While we would love to think that the courts and the system is on the side of the abused, if you work in the victim advocacy area for any length of time, you will see that is often not the case.
