Major Vent-and the Reason that I'm Going to Go For Custody After All

[aahmom1]

He also is supportive of the decisions that I make about their care (not whether they're with Thom or me, which he has never expressed an opinion about but their day to day care),

Who cares?

He always said that he knew better than me how to care for the children and because of the things he told me about myself, I believed him.

Apparently he was right, huh?

The only way in which he has really failed them is failing to provide as well financially for them as he could because he spends his money on things he shouldn't

You have a computer don't you? That is money that could have been used for the kids too. BTW, do you pay child support? NO? Why not? They are your kids too, why should you not have to take responsibility for them?

 

[honeywolf7]

Yes, I do pay child support as a matter of fact although I don't actually have to since I'm a full-time college student and don't have an income (other than Financial Aid.) My mom bought the computer (if it's any of your business, which it's really not) for a Christmas present for me several years ago. I have to have one for school. Thom, on the other hand, has no need for one since all he does with it is talk to women and look at porn. That was $1700 that he wasted, that could have been spent for other things. As far as everyday decisions about the kids, no he does not make better ones than I make. There's a reason that Bobby would prefer to be with his mother over being with his father and he has made his preference known several times.

 

[ratsrule]

Originally posted by honeywolf7
all he does with it is talk to women and look at porn. .

And the problem with that is.........

 

[aahmom1]

This school is NOT accessible by public transportation (it's a very small private Kindergarten.

Again, what does this have to do with anything? Get your license, stop depending on your Mom. How old are you?

As far as parent/teacher conferences, he lied to me and told me they didn't happen

I swear somewhere in this thread you said that he didn't tell you about them. I'll have to look for that.

The reason that my mom doesn't stand behind me is because she feels it would be better for me to not have the kids right now

That's basically what you thought too, wasn't it?

Like you said, I was the one who made the mistake of being with the jerk. I have to be the one to pay for that, not the kids.

That's not what I said, I said it was your choice.

 

[aahmom1]

There's a reason that Bobby would prefer to be with his mother over being with his father and he has made his preference known several times.

Then WHY IN THE HELL did you leave without him? And what about your daughter?

 

[honeywolf7]

Aahmom, the last comment wasn't directed towards you (about making the mistake and needing to be the one who took responsibility for it.)
I do plan to get my license. My dad was a real jerk about some things when I was a teenager and I was stubborn and didn't do the things that he wanted to require me to do in order to get my license (cutting the lawn in straight squares twice a week with the riding lawn mower to show him that I could drive it.....that's absolutely ridiculous.) Now, though, I'm ready to do what it takes to get my license. I do have a car waiting for me.
I said that he didn't tell me about them, but he also told me that he didn't "think that they get report cards at this school." That was a lie.
As for why I left without them, I told you....I was scared and didn't feel that I had anyone to protect me from Thom or anyplace to turn. As for where Jessi would rather be, she's a "daddy's girl" and always has been....she'd prefer to be with him. Bobby, on the other hand, basically worships the ground I walk on, always wants me right there when he falls and gets hurt, etc. He has no real interest in his father.

 

[aahmom1]

Well actually Kindergarteners here don't get report cards until January, so maybe he wasn't lying.

 

[honeywolf7]

Yes, he was because she got hers yesterday and he had a parent teacher conference yesterday AM

 

[aahmom1]

My dad was a real jerk about some things when I was a teenager and I was stubborn and didn't do the things that he wanted to require me to do in order to get my license

Well it's been 10 years since you were 16, so that excuse can't work forever.

 

[bumcat]

HW - When my mother finally left my abusive father I eventually became his punching bag because I had her smart aleck personality according to him, it does happen sooner or later. At the time (60's) it wasn't possible for my mom to get custody (long ugly story).

I do believe you were abuse because and please don't take this the wrong way - I have read alot of your post int he past and you seemed wishy washy which does happen when others are controlling your life and telling you how to breathe every minute of the day.

It also sounds like you slowly have become stronger since you have met Roger, to me it sounds like he is a good person but don't get custody of your kids unless you are 100% sure that is what you want. Ask yourself would you still try and get custody if Roger wasn't with you.
It's easy for any of us to sit and say what we would be when we haven't been in your shoes. Being the survivor of child abuse I would fight to the bitter end for my kids but I do understand after watching my mother, how an abusive person can wear you down thru the years and make you feel your not worthy of such. I wish somehow my mother had tried harder somehow to get us out of the hell we went thru.

 

[honeywolf7]

Yeah, but I was married three years after I was 16 and Thom always told me there was no real reason to get my license and we couldn't afford another car and insurance on it, anyway. Now, I do want to get my license. I'm actually on the waiting list at a couple of driving schools.

 

[aprincessmom]

HW, I think you are missing the point on the parenting and custody thing.

It isn't about you and it isn't about Thom. It's about your children. Your children are young still and one of the most important thing you can instill in your children when they are young is your love and concern for them. That they are safe and cared for.

From what you've chosen to share with these boards over time, it appears neither you or Thom are mature enough to have done that for your children. Which is unfortunate because the people who will lose the most from this situation are your children.

If you truly want what's best for your children and truly want to be their mom you will find a way to do it. You will have to stop placing yourself in a position of weakeness and helplessness. You will have to stop making excuses and looking for sympathy. You will have to stop being the focus of your pity party and start focusing your time and energies on your children and what is best for them.

You want to be involved in your daughter's school? Call the principal, send them self-addressed stamped envelopes to ensure you get all notices sent home with your child, ask to speak with the teacher. It is not their responsibility or Thom's responsibility to get you involved and keep you informed. It is your responsibility.

Don't have a license. Get one. If you want to have custody of your children you'll need it. Lay the groundwork for it now.

Concentrate your energies on finding solutions, not on wallowing in what has been. If you want to move forward, if you want to be taken seriously in your childrens' lives, if you really want to be a mom...step up to the plate and take control. You'll be a better person for it and you'll feel better about yourself.

 

[kinlaw6450]

Ok I swore to myself I was not getting into this but I remember reading a long time ago how you loved one child more than the other...now while this does not really seem on topic for this thread in an offhand way it is.

If you were to do all the things suggested....get a licence, be more involved with school, get a job, and a suitable living arrangement going to help the kids?

There are many many agencies including the childrens school (even the very small private kindergarten) that will help you IF YOU ASK. But if your not going to pursue it then there's no hope.

I worry about your children. Not because Thom has them (because I like so many others find the abused wife thing hard to swallow). You have done nothing but complain over the last year about Thom, your kids, your missing a trip to WDW because you were so generous to your friend...

Ok that brings me to my last question. WHY if you had all this money from your parents from your allegedly cancelled WDW vacation did you not use it to help yourself with your situation??? This has baffled me all along.

Please get help Please Please Please....and do it BEFORe you uproot your children. You have to be stable before you can even hope to take care of them.

 

[honeywolf7]

Aprincessmom, those kids DO know that they are very loved. I will have to disagree with that part of your post. I know that custody is about the kids but it is also about my desire to be a part of their lives and to raise them with good values (which they won't learn from him) and to be great adults with the potential to do anything they want. That's what I want for my children and why I want custody. I know they'll be a lot better off being taken care of and taught by me than by him.
Kinlaw, I didn't use that money (it wasn't a huge amount) to help my situation because at that point I was still scared of what Thom might do. Yes, I have complained about his actions. He is clearly in the wrong. But, I didn't feel that I had the power to change those actions or to stop his actions toward me from happening. Now, I do. Oh, and I don't love Bobby more than Jessi....I'm just closer to him than I am to her.

 

[Mskanga]

Yes, I do pay child support as a matter of fact although I don't actually have to since I'm a full-time college student and don't have an income (other than Financial Aid.)

It seems to me that it would be time to put off College for a bit , get a job , put your life back together with the kids and then after this is all done consider on going back to College when possible.

 

[honeywolf7]

Mskanga, with the type of job that I could get right now I'm actually probably just as well off going to school and using the money that is given to me for "living expenses" (that's how it's earmarked by the school) as I would be working. It also gives me more time with the kids.

 

[SilverLily]

What a train wreck of a thread! I wasn't going to respond, but I can't help it....

HW, my concern is that you seem to be very passive. You depend on others for everything. You believe what others tell you. In all of your posts, your opinions either come from Thom, or your parents, or Roger. You view yourself the way the people close to you view you. If Thom thinks you are a bad mother, you believe it. If Roger thinks you are a good mother, you believe it. If your mother thinks it isn't good for you to have your kids, you believe it. Please learn to get a backbone and learn to have your own thoughts and opinions. And DO something about your situation instead of waiting on others to help you out.

I am also one of the posters who feel that you regret being married and having children so young. I think you want your freedom. It sounds like you didn't have any freedom as a teenager, and you are trying to live the teenage/college life now. Well, it is too late. You have to accept the choices you made and become responsible. You have two innocent children depending on you.

 

[Saffron]

Oh my gosh. Somebody lock this thread!

Okay, I may have no right to say that, but at least then maybe those who hate locked threads and censorship will come out, start arguing about that and change the subject. This horse is dead.

 

[danacara]

Kinlaw and Aahmom are so totally correct.

This is such a sad thread.

Please just leave the kids with Thom until you get yourself together, assuming that this abuse thing is a crock (and I really have to tell you that I don't buy it, being that you have never mentioned it before Thom showed up with this new girlfriend). If you go to court tomorrow, the judge will not give you custody, and the fight will be ugly. You have no car, no place for them to live, no way to get them to school, no assets, no job, and no support. All you have is accusations of abuse that have never been substantiated and a boyfriend with four kids of his own that he really should be supporting before a penny goes to you. If you go to court, can I venture a guess about what will happen? Thom could absolutely levy support charges against you, and you'd come out of it liable for hundreds of dollars a month that you should be paying to support those kids, but you don't have.

Retrospectively speaking, your worst decision was not being with Thom. It might be good for you to think about what it may be, but believe me, having read your posts over the last year, I can think of several contenders for worst decision that are not centered around Thom at all.

 

[honeywolf7]

I'm off to make some phone calls about changing my kids' lives as well as my own. I actually do thank those of you who had constructive criticism.