Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[amberpi]

They don’t have defacto laws in America?

It can vary widely state to state.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I just read the OP’s post to my husband of twenty-five years (happily married, not bitter and no “bad experiences”) and we are in agreement in our response: spend your bonus on yourself and don’t look back.

I read it to DH tonight, too, and he felt the same way - shrugged his shoulders and couldn't see the problem. We're together 37 years and happily married as well.

 

[HeatherC]

After reading all the responses, I can see why some people are still single.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Hello - husband and I have been married for 20 plus years and have separate checking accounts.
We have completely different areas in which we spend money - I like couture clothing, handbags, and concerts (average one a week). He likes cars and dope. Our marriage works for us.

I pay the mortgage, taxes, household expenses etc and am happy to do so. I love living in downtown Chicago even though it is expensive, and I make almost triple what DH makes.

He pays for his car and insurance. So DH has lots of discretionary income to enjoy his hobbies.

So this year with my bonus, I am intending to spend all of it on plastic surgery for myself. I am turning 50 next year and want a little tuneup.
Well DH flipped out - and decided he wanted some cash and got pissed I "won't share". In years past, I have used the bonus towards household improvements, or a trip for us.
This year I don't need to do that - my employer is gifting me $10,000 towards a vacation to celebrate my 50th.
I know I am being selfish a bit, but this is something I have wanted to do for years.
For the record, my bonus is $25,000 and I have offered my DH $2,000 for him to do what he wants.
I have NEVER been one to say this is my money and you cant have any - because we are a team.
Except for this year.
So - what say you? Let me have it! I won't say you are picking on me - looking for the other side here. My friends support what I am doing - but is there something I am missing??

DH is the only breadwinner here, and we discuss what happens with all finances, including his bonuses. Now, his bonus isn't as big as yours, but he did get $10,000 before taxes hit. About $5800 after taxes (they always tax it at the highest rate, so no one gets hit with a tax bill in April. Plus, that helps cover the taxes for the other mini-bonuses they get throughout the year. Last year, he got a soundbar for the tv, this year it was an iPad, engraved, with a special case.)

I spent $1000 on Christmas for all the kids/grandkids, another $500 on us eating out/groceries (we went to Texas Roadhouse for lunch on Friday, just he and I, and left a 100% tip; it was only $24.xx but still a lot more than our server was expecting!). We had to get the brakes fixed on the car ($350) and he needs some new clothes (he lost a TON of weight the last year...went from a 48 waist to a 40). Then we bought a new tv (65") with a new soundbar system (DS will get the old 48" and old soundbar for his room, since his 21" blew up this past summer). And DH is building himself a new computer.


I'm sort of split, because while it is your bonus to spend, you are married, and in our house, all cash is shared. When I was working, and got bonuses (nothing major, most I got was $1000), we shared the money.

Look at it this way...if the roles were reversed, and he was the main breadwinner, with you paying for your car only, and he got the bonus and wanted to get tuned up, would you be ok with it? Your response should be based off that.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I find the idea that your career is yours alone to be rather narrow-sighted. My career depends on the fact that early in our marriage my wife supported me as I continued in school to get a second degree. I make the money I make right now because of my change of vocation. That wouldn't have happened without my wife's support.

At the same time, my wife is a teacher with very little room for time off. When the kids were sick, I worked from home or took the day off. When she went for her master's degree, I took care of the household, fed the children, etc. When I had training for my job 90 minutes away, my wife made sure the children had dinner and were taken to their practices and laundry was done while I was gone 12 hours a day.

So, to me, the idea of mine vs yours only works when you come into a relationship fully formed and don't have children. Either that, or you're both rich enough to hire a nanny and maid. If one spouse makes 3x amount the other does, but travels for work, the other partner picks up the slack at home. People in marriages succeed at their job because they sacrifice for each other. That, to me, is why you have one bank account and one budget. That's why the $25,000 bonus is our money. My spouse doesn't sit at my desk and do my job for me, but I wouldn't be where I am if she wasn't a partner in our relationship. Otherwise, we're just two people living in the same house with only our own responsibilities.



I'm not saying how other people work their finances is wrong. This was just my vision of what a marriage is.

 

[ENJDisneyFan]

I find the idea that your career is yours alone to be rather narrowly sighted. My career depends on the fact that early in our marriage my wife supported me as I continued in school to get a second degree. I make the money I make right now because of my change of vocation. That wouldn't have happened without my wife's support.

At the same time, my wife is a teacher with very little room for time off. When the kids were sick, I worked from home or took the day off. When she went for her master's degree, I took care of the household, fed the children, etc. When I had training for my job 90 minutes away, my wife made sure the children had dinner and were taken to their practices and laundry was done while I was gone 12 hours a day.

So, to me, the idea of mine vs yours only works when you come into a relationship fully formed and don't have children. Either that, or you're both rich enough to hire a nanny and maid. If one spouse makes 3x amount the other does, but travels for work, the other partner picks up the slack at home. People in marriages succeed at their job because they sacrifice for each other. That, to me, is why you have one bank account and one budget. That's why the $25,000 bonus is our money. My spouse doesn't sit at my desk and do my job for me, but I wouldn't be where I am if she wasn't a partner in our relationship. Otherwise, we're just two people living in the same house with only our own responsibilities.



I'm not saying how other people work their finances is wrong. This was just my vision of what a marriage is.

Well said. I couldn't agree more.

 

[amberpi]

Well said. I couldn't agree more.

I think when you take children out of the equation the math looks very different. I don't have and don't want kids for instance, so the variables and the incredible expense of raising child is just gone. The OP doesn't have kids so the decision tree is much straighter.

 

[Colleen27]

Even if her household expenses are 10X his car expenses, that’s no guarantee he’s left with as much discretionary income as she has.

A friend of mine keeps coming to mind every time I come back to this thread. He's a high-level IT guy, and I know roughly what he makes because he shares fairly freely about certain things and one of them was his life's goal of six figures before 40. I also know roughly what his wife makes because she's an elementary school teacher in the community where I grew up. And it is entirely fair to say that he has more money left over after paying their mortgage and household expenses than she earns to begin with. They're another case of unfathomable separate finances to me - there are times where she'll be stressing over her Christmas spending or debating whether she can afford to go to the spa with her girlfriends, while he's talking about his latest classic car project or the bigger-better TV he bought for his man cave. I couldn't do it. But she did know what she was getting going in - my friend has a child from a previous relationship and some very toxic (IMO) attitudes towards women/money because of the divorce/child support - and she's still there after 15+ years so obviously it is working for them on some level.

It's hardly rigidity. And it would obviously be discussed before marriage so both people are on the same page. Very odd that you think a dual income household is so rigid.

What comes across as rigid is your view that things will be the way you want them to be, no matter what, with no allowances for the fact that 1) life often gets in the way of the best-laid plans or that 2) people tend to change their views over time as circumstances change. What sounds good in theory, as a childless couple talking about marriage, might not play out so well once you're married with a child or two. It is easier if you don't want/have kids, certainly, but even then things like a health crisis, a job opportunity that requires relocating, and other "life happens" things can very easily muddy up the waters of "what's mine is mine, what's yours is yours".

 

[cabanafrau]

I think when you take children out of the equation the math looks very different. I don't have and don't want kids for instance, so the variables and the incredible expense of raising child is just gone. The OP doesn't have kids so the decision tree is much straighter.

Ostensibly. But life isn't linear, nor is it always able to be thoroughly mapped out. Economic downturns and job loss; health issues, including chronic and catastrophic ones; and natural disasters wiping out home and possessions come to those with and without children alike. It's very empowering to face whatever life throws at me with a spouse who understands the greatest value of our partnership appears nowhere on a balance sheet and can't be bought at any price.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I think when you take children out of the equation the math looks very different. I don't have and don't want kids for instance, so the variables and the incredible expense of raising child is just gone. The OP doesn't have kids so the decision tree is much straighter.

This is true. OP never actually mentioned children, so we’re presuming there are none. I’d guess the majority of posters here are parents. Around the age of 50 is when many of us are dealing with college tuition, a huge factor in family finances.

 

[amberpi]

Ostensibly. But life isn't linear, nor is it always able to be thoroughly mapped out. Economic downturns and job loss; health issues, including chronic and catastrophic ones; and natural disasters wiping out home and possessions come to those with and without children alike. It's very empowering to face whatever life throws at me with a spouse who understands the greatest value of our partnership appears nowhere on a balance sheet and can't be bought at any price.

Don't disagree and I think I've said that. The decision tree gets less complicated though. Some of this discussion has been muddied because people keep bringing kids into the equation and the "what about SAH parents," etc. The kids issue just isn't in place here. It wouldn't be in my life. One of the best parts of being in a partnership is knowing that someone has your back if the poop hits the fan, but some people don't hang when the going get rough, and right now we're discussing a basic question of should the OP be able to do something nice for herself. I think emphatically yes.

I still want to know what the OP is having done!

 

[amberpi]

This is true. OP never actually mentioned children, so we’re presuming there are none. I’d guess the majority of posters here are parents. Around the age of 50 is when many of us are dealing with college tuition, a huge factor in family finances.

For what a vast majority of my friends with kids pay for their kids elementary per year, she could have this surgery plus a couple more...lol. Kids are expensive!

 

[mom2rtk]

For what a vast majority of my friends with kids pay for their kids elementary per year, she could have this surgery plus a couple more...lol. Kids are expensive!

They're even expensive when you don't pay elementary school tuition.

 

[amberpi]

They're even expensive when you don't pay elementary school tuition.

Yep. And I can't believe what people pay for private elementary. For 25k a year, what are they teaching those k-3rd graders I didn't learn in public school? It's crazy pants.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think, considering everything, that you should do it and he should be supportive.

But I have to say - that means you're getting an extra $35,000? It's hard for me to even fathom that world. Your bonus (minus the vacation gift) is equal to my salary. I know Chicago is more expensive, especially downtown, but...whew. Also, hard for me to completely judge/understand because DH and I pool our salaries.

 

[cabanafrau]

Don't disagree and I think I've said that. The decision tree gets less complicated though. Some of this discussion has been muddied because people keep bringing kids into the equation and the "what about SAH parents," etc. The kids issue just isn't in place here. It wouldn't be in my life. One of the best parts of being in a partnership is knowing that someone has your back if the poop hits the fan, but some people don't hang when the going get rough, and right now we're discussing a basic question of should the OP be able to do something nice for herself. I think emphatically yes.

I still want to know what the OP is having done!

But isn't that precisely why OP might want to check in with her husband to see precisely what his thoughts on the situation are? She specifically stated that their situation has been "working for both of them". It sounds like his raising this issue is not the norm. If she values their partnership isn't it logical to get to the heart of the matter with him? Or should it simply be considered her money, her decision, no harm, no foul?

Sorry, OP, I'm about to throw you under a literal bus, but don't take it personally because it's not meant that way.

What if two years from now OP is hit by a bus and unable to work, either for a very long-term or permanently, her husband has been feeling unappreciated and unconsidered for quite some time and he decides there's no longer any value whatsoever left in their bargain? Would he be a no-good bum for pulling the cord on the exit parachute when his partner truly needs him, or should he be looking out for his own best interests and not allow her to drag him down?

You don't magically find yourself in a relationship where your partner would guaranteed crawl through glass and walk through fire with you. You build it bit by bit, day by day. Together.

What I cannot fathom for the life of me is why OP couldn't discuss it with her husband, see if he would be agreeable to her keeping half of the amount she was planning to spend and coming to an agreement about the other half for this year, with the understanding that when next year's bonus comes she plans to use a chunk of that to make up the other half of the money for her surgery and do it next year?

 

[Liberty Belle]

For anyone saying she should just go for it...... would your answer be the same if the husband had the big bonus and wanted to spend it on a boat or something only he wanted?

Yes, I believe so. Like I said before, it's hard for me to fully understand. Having an extra $25,000 to blow is not something that has ever happened in my life and it's not looking good that it's something that ever will happen. But if year after year, we had extra money even close to that to spend and DH wanted something strongly one year that would take up most of that money, of course I'd say yes.

 

[Liberty Belle]

We will soon be hitting 40 years, 38 were spent with separate checking. Its a marriage saver. My wife took some of her inherited money and got some 'work' done and was very happy with it. I play the stock market and enjoy that. Its not 50/50 with expenses, we divide it up based on income. I pay for the big items like vacations and she always says thank you very much. She likes expensive hair cuts and I say she looks great, not how much did that cost. Works for us

Your lifestyle seems different than mine, however, DH and I pool our salaries and he has never once asked how much my hair cut cost.

 

[Liberty Belle]

PS - did anyone else have to google "dope?" I assumed it meant heroin, but apparently it can mean either heroin or marijuana. If OP lives where pot is legal maybe that's why she felt comfortable mentioning it.

When I hear "dope," I automatically assume marijuana, but I'm old - same age as the OP.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Do what you want - it's your bonus.