Just need to vent...

[mjkacmom]

It sounds like the bride thinks you aren't really into the wedding. Re our mostly silent during these group texts? Honestly, if a member of my bridal party told me she forgot to book a room, I'd be muffed. However, if she told me she couldn't afford the room, I'd either pay for it, or be very understanding.

Give her a call.

 

[megster1123]

I get it, everyone is different. Some people are more into keeping tabs on who is "in the group" after the wedding than they are into the "OMG! I love my new husband. Let's go back to the room. We are married!!"

No way around it, that comment was very rude.

 

[NYDisGuy]

And I think it is difficult for some of us to understand why you are even concerned who is a part of the After Party Wedding group. Are you just not that into your husband? Are you not on Cloud Nine that the wedding is over and you are now a married woman?

I get it, everyone is different. Some people are more into keeping tabs on who is "in the group" after the wedding than they are into the "OMG! I love my new husband. Let's go back to the room. We are married!!"

I do think times have changed with the whole social media thing. Pinterest has thousands of pages dedicated to After The Wedding festivities. Why on earth would anyone want to gaze into their new husband's eyes when they can post the pictures of the after party instead Look at us! The party is still going on! We are fun people! Not for me, but I see it happening more and more.

But one thing should NEVER change. The bride should be thankful for the time the bridesmaids have given up until the moment you said "I Do". Like I said before, if a bridesmaid wants to leave after the wedding, don't be upset or angry. That's very bratty and immature.

Be gracious for everything they have done for you throughout your engagement. Hug them and say "Thank You" and move on with whatever you want to do for your first evening as a married couple.

I feel like this post is a passive aggressive way of judging people who have after parties. You have your whole life to get in bed with your spouse, this is a moment where your grandparents and parents have left and you can finally let loose with your friends/siblings/cousins or whoever is close to you. There is absolutely no correlation to not loving them, that's asinine. Nowadays, wedding receptions are alot of pressure. Every minute you have someone talking to you, cutting the cake, garter, dances, pictures etc. that there's not enough time to actually celebrate. Not sure what there is to "get"

 

[mom2rtk]

It's a really simple concept. We had a formal wedding and reception. Some people plan parties after the reception for their wedding party - we did. In our case we reserved a large suite in the hotel that would easily allow the 14 people in our wedding party to hang out after the wedding. We rolled in the coolers, turned on some music, someone ordered pizza and were able to kick off our shoes and let our hair down. We had a great time. The wedding party stayed together until maybe 1 or 2am and then the wedding party went back to their own rooms.

If the bride in the OP was planning something like that, don't you think she would have said something?

 

[mom2rtk]

I feel like this post is a passive aggressive way of judging people who have after parties. You have your whole life to get in bed with your spouse, this is a moment where your grandparents and parents have left and you can finally let loose with your friends/siblings/cousins or whoever is close to you. There is absolutely no correlation to not loving them, that's asinine. Nowadays, wedding receptions are alot of pressure. Every minute you have someone talking to you, cutting the cake, garter, dances, pictures etc. that there's not enough time to actually celebrate. Not sure what there is to "get"

I wonder where all that pressure comes from.

 

[pryncess527]

I do think that the increased number of couples who live together before marriage, or who do not save themselves even if they live apart, has probably dampened the urgency with which married couples leave the reception. When I was a kid, they left after cutting the cake and the reception would go on for hours after they were gone. Now, I see many couples who enjoy the festivities and stay up late with guests.

Regardless, a person has no right to be hurt when they held expectations secret and those expectations were not met. I think the bride in this case is probably being overly emotional.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I feel like this post is a passive aggressive way of judging people who have after parties. You have your whole life to get in bed with your spouse, this is a moment where your grandparents and parents have left and you can finally let loose with your friends/siblings/cousins or whoever is close to you. There is absolutely no correlation to not loving them, that's asinine. Nowadays, wedding receptions are alot of pressure. Every minute you have someone talking to you, cutting the cake, garter, dances, pictures etc. that there's not enough time to actually celebrate. Not sure what there is to "get"

Here is what "to get":

Party on if you want. Don't get angry if someone doesn't want to continue celebrating your marriage. If you don't want to celebrate with just your husband, have a blast with your Group Party. If the reception wasn't fun or good enough because your Grammy was there, go for it! Have yet ANOTHER gathering where you are once again the center of attention.

But "Put a fork in me, I'm done" is probably what some bridesmaids are thinking after a year of bowing to your every whim. Because if you are the type to get all hurt that someone (who has been giving their time and money to you for months now) isn't participating in the party AFTER the wedding, you are most likely a very demanding, bratty person.

 

[DopeyDame]

I feel like this post is a passive aggressive way of judging people who have after parties. You have your whole life to get in bed with your spouse, this is a moment where your grandparents and parents have left and you can finally let loose with your friends/siblings/cousins or whoever is close to you. There is absolutely no correlation to not loving them, that's asinine. Nowadays, wedding receptions are alot of pressure. Every minute you have someone talking to you, cutting the cake, garter, dances, pictures etc. that there's not enough time to actually celebrate. Not sure what there is to "get"

But the reception IS the party! If the bride (and groom and mom and MIL and...) have made the reception into a lot of pressure, than that's their own fault. They did it wrong. The reception is the party to "actually celebrate" with "whoever is close to you."
If a couple wants to have an after-party, that's cool. Whatever floats their boat! But to be demanding and *expect* that everyone not only goes to the wedding, but also the reception (THE ACTUAL PARTY!), and then yet another party... that's pretty much the definition of bridezilla.

My sister got married recently. A bunch of her friends, including most of the wedding party, had an after party. I went for about half an hour, and then was totally exhausted and had to get back to my kids. Thank God she's an awesome, down to earth, happy, understanding person. So I gave the happy couple a huge hug, she gushed over how awesome I was, I gushed over how awesome she was, and we went on our merry ways. I can't imagine a world when she would have been upset or demanding because I didn't stay long enough at the party after the party.

 

[Oreo Cookie]

Well this thread sure took a left turn!

OP - I think you're doing the right thing by speaking to the bride. Sometimes text are misinterpreted. As far as asking, if you should back out as a bridesmaid, don't do that. You are obviously very important to your friend and that's not what she's looking for, she's just stressed. The stress is causing her to read into actions that she normally wouldn't read into. For example, you liked the dress, but it wasn't your favorite, she reads as you hate the dress, or the not booking the room she reads into that. Just reassure her of how important she is to you, and that you want her to have a wonderful day and marriage to follow.

I think sometimes brides to be need to step back and not sweat the small stuff. The ceremony is important, the reception is a party. The ceremony should be taken seriously, the party should be fun.

I also think the amount of money that wedding party members are spending has gotten out of control. Sometimes all the extras add up to a lot of money, so the bride and groom need to keep that in mind.

Also, we all have stuff going on in our lives. You may be in the bridal party, but that isn't necessarily the most important thing in your life.

 

[NYDisGuy]

But the reception IS the party! If the bride (and groom and mom and MIL and...) have made the reception into a lot of pressure, than that's their own fault. They did it wrong. The reception is the party to "actually celebrate" with "whoever is close to you."
If a couple wants to have an after-party, that's cool. Whatever floats their boat! But to be demanding and *expect* that everyone not only goes to the wedding, but also the reception (THE ACTUAL PARTY!), and then yet another party... that's pretty much the definition of bridezilla.

My sister got married recently. A bunch of her friends, including most of the wedding party, had an after party. I went for about half an hour, and then was totally exhausted and had to get back to my kids. Thank God she's an awesome, down to earth, happy, understanding person. So I gave the happy couple a huge hug, she gushed over how awesome I was, I gushed over how awesome she was, and we went on our merry ways. I can't imagine a world when she would have been upset or demanding because I didn't stay long enough at the party after the party.

I'm not defending the bride in the OP. I'm defending myself and others who have after parties. Saying I don't love my wife or i'm not into her because I had an after party is extremely rude and ignorant. There's no reason to paint everyone with a broad brush like that.

 

[DopeyDame]

It's a really simple concept. We had a formal wedding and reception. Some people plan parties after the reception for their wedding party - we did. In our case we reserved a large suite in the hotel that would easily allow the 14 people in our wedding party to hang out after the wedding. We rolled in the coolers, turned on some music, someone ordered pizza and were able to kick off our shoes and let our hair down. We had a great time. The wedding party stayed together until maybe 1 or 2am and then the wedding party went back to their own rooms.

Ohmyword... Were there people trying to sleep in the same hotel room hallway? I would have been beyond pissed if I were staying at the hotel. It never occurred to me that these after parties were happening in hotel rooms! Everyone I've ever known of has been at a bar or other appropriate venue because they never ever would have wanted to keep strangers awake at 1 or 2 am.

 

[DopeyDame]

I'm not defending the bride in the OP. I'm defending myself and others who have after parties. Saying I don't love my wife or i'm not into her because I had an after party is extremely rude and ignorant. There's no reason to paint everyone with a broad brush like that.

I don't think anyone cares at all if anyone else has after parties (and I'm not the poster who made any comments about loving your spouse... although for me, personally, I was SO excited to finally have some quiet time with my husband after the chaos of the day.)

What we're trying to point out is that having it be an expectation of your bridal party is over the top.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

OP - I hope the phone call goes well! Social media has created this mega pressure on brides these days to make the biggest hoopla they possibly can from the engagement announcement with the ridiculous ring hand pictures to the professionally done engagement photos to the showers, favors, etc. etc. ... I'm rolling my eyes here. Having been a bridesmaid recently, the shoe texts and the favor ideas and making gets WAY out of hand not to mention the cost of all of it from a bridesmaid perspective. Some people choose to avoid this kind of crap (we did) but others feed into it for the sake of the bride. Whatever happened to picking up a bridal magazine and calling it a day?! Anyway, I hope you are able to make the bride understand that you are there for her now until that day and AFTER when life starts again. As important as this "day" is to her, it will be over soon and will be a blip on the radar in no time. Hang in there

ETA: Best not remind the bride that you're just waiting for this process to be over - haha

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Social media has created this mega pressure on brides these days to make the biggest hoopla they possibly can from the engagement announcement with the ridiculous ring hand pictures to the professionally done engagement photos to the showers, favors, etc. etc.

This is so very true!

 

[gwynne]

I don't think anyone cares at all if anyone else has after parties (and I'm not the poster who made any comments about loving your spouse... although for me, personally, I was SO excited to finally have some quiet time with my husband after the chaos of the day.)

What we're trying to point out is that having it be an expectation of your bridal party is over the top.

Exactly. After all the planning, phone calls/texts, shopping, fittings, bachelor/bachelorette parties, showers, wedding weekend get togethers, golf (or other) outings, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, the ceremony and the reception--maybe that's enough festivity for some of the wedding party.
Not judging brides and grooms who want to plan more parties after the reception, but it would be a kindness to not make them mandatory show events.

 

[cabanafrau]

It sounds like the bride thinks you aren't really into the wedding. Re our mostly silent during these group texts? Honestly, if a member of my bridal party told me she forgot to book a room, I'd be muffed. However, if she told me she couldn't afford the room, I'd either pay for it, or be very understanding.

Give her a call.

Can you explain why not booking the room would miff you? Do you feel like she was abandoning her duties? Do you feel like it says she doesn't care about you? Do you expect it's obligatory she stay for after wedding celebrating? If it's the latter, do you make sure everybody knows about it beforehand? I don't understand what's offensive about not booking the room.

 

[megster1123]

Ohmyword... Were there people trying to sleep in the same hotel room hallway? I would have been beyond pissed if I were staying at the hotel. It never occurred to me that these after parties were happening in hotel rooms! Everyone I've ever known of has been at a bar or other appropriate venue because they never ever would have wanted to keep strangers awake at 1 or 2 am.

Well that would have been really inconsiderate of us. The rooms adjacent to the suite were all secured by the wedding guests as part of our block. It was on first floor of the hotel as well so there were no worries about bothering people below us. Because you're correct, I never ever would have wanted to keep strangers awake

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I'm not defending the bride in the OP. I'm defending myself and others who have after parties. Saying I don't love my wife or i'm not into her because I had an after party is extremely rude and ignorant. There's no reason to paint everyone with a broad brush like that.

Nobody said "You don't love your spouse". Not one person said that.

I will say that if you are with your brand new husband and you are worried about, getting hurt, getting upset, etc. that others didn't come party with you AFTER the wedding, well you just aren't into your new spouse. Who in the world frets about that drama when you have your new spouse by your side?

Again, I would rather be alone with my new husband to finally have a quiet moment after the big day. But if you want to be with people after reception, go for it! Just don't get angry at those who would rather go home.

 

[cabanafrau]

I do think that the increased number of couples who live together before marriage, or who do not save themselves even if they live apart, has probably dampened the urgency with which married couples leave the reception. When I was a kid, they left after cutting the cake and the reception would go on for hours after they were gone. Now, I see many couples who enjoy the festivities and stay up late with guests.

Regardless, a person has no right to be hurt when they held expectations secret and those expectations were not met. I think the bride in this case is probably being overly emotional.

Honestly I wonder if the bride isn't getting some questions from the other bridesmaids about OP's lower key participation? It wouldn't surprise me a bit if some of the other attendants are getting a little tired of it all themselves and are in fact throwing OP under the bus in an attempt to avoid confronting the bride themselves? Stranger things have happened.

Note, I'm not saying OP is a slacker, OP is absolutely correct, bride is a bridezilla or is justified. This could simply be a huge miscommunication of expectations all the way around -- despite massive text chains suggesting otherwise.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

So, can we at least all agree on the fact that weddings (and the events leading up to it and now the events afterwards) have become a bit out of control in the last 10 years?