Just need to vent...

[megster1123]

I guess my main question is that - even after all that goes into being a bridesmaid - wouldn't you still want to join the party? Because honestly, as a bride, if I had to make attending a party an obligation I would probably reconsider my choice of who I asked to be a bridesmaid. A bride shouldn't have to "make" her friends come to a party. Her friends should want to come.

 

[mom2rtk]

I guess my main question is that - even after all that goes into being a bridesmaid - wouldn't you still want to join the party? Because honestly, as a bride, if I had to make attending a party an obligation I would probably reconsider my choice of who I asked to be a bridesmaid. A bride shouldn't have to "make" her friends come to a party. Her friends should want to come.

Have we established that there IS a party?

 

[gwynne]

I guess my main question is that - even after all that goes into being a bridesmaid - wouldn't you still want to join the party? Because honestly, as a bride, if I had to make attending a party an obligation I would probably reconsider my choice of who I asked to be a bridesmaid. A bride shouldn't have to "make" her friends come to a party. Her friends should want to come.

Or maybe a bride shouldn't "make" her bridesmaids attend the after parties. It would be a kindness to have a little understanding and flexibility on this point.

 

[cabanafrau]

So, can we at least all agree on the fact that weddings (and the events leading up to it and now the events afterwards) have become a bit out of control in the last 10 years?

I'm gonna guess that would be deemed offensive to some people.

 

[cabanafrau]

Have we established that there IS a party?

There must be. That's what certain posters had. It was lovely and a great time was had by all. Therefore it is to be assumed tradition henceforth and all who don't know that or don't have that expectation or don't think it's the bestest idea ever are awful. I want to know what happens if a bridesmaid or groomsman happily goes along with everything and by the waning hours of the reception has a blasting headache or is completely wiped and really just needs to head to the mandatory room they booked instead of celebrating on with the wedding party? Are they a loser, or should they compromise and do it anyway because it is expected of them?

 

[TAX GUY]

Its too bad that the back and forth still continues from thread to thread. The snarky and rude comments really need to be curbed.

OP, you shouldn't have to feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do, for whatever the reason. If the bride is truly a friend, you should be able to talk to her and tell her, the truth, without any hurt feelings. True friends will understand. Do what's right for you.

As for the rest of you....

 

[Allison]

As far as I know, there is no after party and nothing the next day

I guess my main question is that - even after all that goes into being a bridesmaid - wouldn't you still want to join the party? Because honestly, as a bride, if I had to make attending a party an obligation I would probably reconsider my choice of who I asked to be a bridesmaid. A bride shouldn't have to "make" her friends come to a party. Her friends should want to come.

 

[cabanafrau]

Or maybe a bride shouldn't "make" her bridesmaids attend the after parties. It would be a kindness to have a little understanding and flexibility on this point.

That would be a magnanimous bride and friend indeed. After all, it is the bride's day and she should have every wish granted.

 

[Allison]

It's a really simple concept. We had a formal wedding and reception. Some people plan parties after the reception for their wedding party - we did. In our case we reserved a large suite in the hotel that would easily allow the 14 people in our wedding party to hang out after the wedding. We rolled in the coolers, turned on some music, someone ordered pizza and were able to kick off our shoes and let our hair down. We had a great time. The wedding party stayed together until maybe 1 or 2am and then the wedding party went back to their own rooms.

And if one of those party members decided to go back to their home instead of to a hotel room, would it matter to you?

 

[DopeyDame]

I guess my main question is that - even after all that goes into being a bridesmaid - wouldn't you still want to join the party? Because honestly, as a bride, if I had to make attending a party an obligation I would probably reconsider my choice of who I asked to be a bridesmaid. A bride shouldn't have to "make" her friends come to a party. Her friends should want to come.

Surely you realize that for some people, 12 hours or so of togetherness with people is enough. (Cause I'm sure if there's an after party, there was also the mandatory pre-wedding manicure and hair and brunch and....) And other people just get TIRED by midnight. And some just don't like parties, regardless of who is there. And others may very well be up to their ears in wedding by the time the reception is over and just want to get away from Bridezilla. And some may have husbands or kids that they would rather spend time with. And some may have a 4am flight out of town because they rearanged their schedules to ensure they could be there for the wedding, but now have to get back to work to do xyz....
There are a million zillion reasons why someone doesn't go to the after party, including just that THEY DON'T WANT TO.

As I said above, my sister had an after party at her wedding. I love my sister dearly. I would do almost anything for her and on her wedding day I wanted nothing more than to make her happy. But after the reception, I was DONE. There was no single teeny bit of me that wanted to keep dancing and drinking. We had already been doing that for four hours at her reception. I wanted to go to bed. I forced myself to go for a little bit, but no - I didn't at all want to join the party. I'm super thankful that she didn't reconsider her choice of a bridesmaid just because I didn't want to go out drinking with her and her college buddies.

 

[cabanafrau]

Surely you realize that for some people, 12 hours or so of togetherness with people is enough. (Cause I'm sure if there's an after party, there was also the mandatory pre-wedding manicure and hair and brunch and....) And other people just get TIRED by midnight. And some just don't like parties, regardless of who is there. And others may very well be up to their ears in wedding by the time the reception is over and just want to get away from Bridezilla. And some may have husbands or kids that they would rather spend time with. And some may have a 4am flight out of town because they rearanged their schedules to ensure they could be there for the wedding, but now have to get back to work to do xyz....
There are a million zillion reasons why someone doesn't go to the after party, including just that THEY DON'T WANT TO.

As I said above, my sister had an after party at her wedding. I love my sister dearly. I would do almost anything for her and on her wedding day I wanted nothing more than to make her happy. But after the reception, I was DONE. There was no single teeny bit of me that wanted to keep dancing and drinking. We had already been doing that for four hours at her reception. I wanted to go to bed. I forced myself to go for a little bit, but no - I didn't at all want to join the party. I'm super thankful that she didn't reconsider her choice of a bridesmaid just because I didn't want to go out drinking with her and her college buddies.

It was her one and only wedding day and they really had a great time. Why would you want to miss it and not be a part of those memories?

 

[DopeyDame]

It was her one and only wedding day and they really had a great time. Why would you want to miss it and not be a part of those memories?

I missed the sarcasm at first and started to write a long defense of how many memories I had from the day.
Laughing is better.

 

[megster1123]

And with that, I stand by my previous observation that the amount of bitterness in this thread is absurd. Seriously.

Several people have had itchy trigger fingers all morning, quick to add their personal experiences to defend the OP and at the same time disparage my personal experiences. And with poorly veiled attempts at sarcasm at that. I wonder why so much bitterness....

 

[cabanafrau]

I missed the sarcasm at first and started to write a long defense of how many memories I had from the day.
Laughing is better.

Actually a genuine question. I'm trying to gain an understanding about what's so offensive about not booking the room -- and then making the leap that there surely must be a party because so many are convinced this has to be true despite OP's knowledge of the actual situation, how the party then is now an additional obligation and not attending conveys the message the friendship/relationship isn't worthwhile and the person should never have agreed to be an attendant.

 

[DopeyDame]

Actually a genuine question. I'm trying to gain an understanding about what's so offensive about not booking the room -- and then making the leap that there surely must be a party because so many are convinced this has to be true despite OP's knowledge of the actual situation, how the party then is now an additional obligation and not attending conveys the message the friendship/relationship isn't worthwhile and the person should never have agreed to be an attendant.

OK - sorry! But now I'm totally confused. Because I agree with you that not booking the room isn't offensive and that even if there is an after party, the bridesmaid isn't a horrid ogre just cause she doesn't want to go (or only wants to for a little bit, or wants to go for the whole time and then drive home)

So... to answer the question... We had a ton of wonderful memories that day even though I only spent half an hour at the after party. The 12 hour example I gave wasn't hypothetical - we started the day with brunch at 11 and it was almost midnight when I got back to my room. Her reception was absolutely amazing and so much fun. 12 hours of happy memories of my sister's wedding is plenty. And I'm sure she and her friends have even more happy memories from the after party - which is awesome! Nothing wrong with that at all. But I didn't need or want to go. And trust me, given how exhausted I was (again - mom of a toddler at the time!), I'm positive I wouldn't have been any fun at the after-party anyway.

 

[scrapquitler]

Have we established that there IS a party?

NO we haven't. Thats why most of this thread has become ludicrous. The OP said that as far as she knows, there is not after party or events the following morning, like brunch, which would mean that she should be there. If there are not additional events, it shouldn't matter if she stays at the hotel overnight or not. And if there ARE events that she is unaware of, it's stupid for the bride to be upset that the OP can't read minds.

 

[gwynne]

And with that, I stand by my previous observation that the amount of bitterness in this thread is absurd. Seriously.

Several people have had itchy trigger fingers all morning, quick to add their personal experiences to defend the OP and at the same time disparage my personal experiences. And with poorly veiled attempts at sarcasm at that. I wonder why so much bitterness....

It's a discussion forum. People discussion thoughts, ideas, opinions. Sometimes people have differing opinions, and that's fine. A different perspective is just that, it's not "bitterness".

 

[DopeyDame]

And with that, I stand by my previous observation that the amount of bitterness in this thread is absurd. Seriously.

Several people have had itchy trigger fingers all morning, quick to add their personal experiences to defend the OP and at the same time disparage my personal experiences. And with poorly veiled attempts at sarcasm at that. I wonder why so much bitterness....

I haven't seen anyone disparaging your personal experiences. If you and your bridal party had an after party, that's awesome! I hope it was fun and your wedding day was everything you wanted it to be and you and your husband live a long and happy life together. (Seriously. No sarcasm at all.)
BUT... what you seem to be missing is that it's also totally OK if other people have different priorities and chose to not participate in this add-on party or chose to drive home after the reception or after the add-on party. Those experiences are also perfectly OK. And for some reason you think that people who don't want to attend an after party aren't good friends or good bridesmaids. And a lot of us are trying to help you realize that that isn't an appropriate conclusion.

Every happy couple is free to throw however many parties and celebrations they want and invite whoever they want! But if someone says that can't or don't want to participate in all or part of it, that doesn't mean they don't like you or they don't want you to be happy on your special day. It just means that your priorities aren't their priorities. And that's OK. Just as it should be, in fact.

 

[jrmasm]

This is so very true!

Not if you don't allow it. KWIM?

 

[Allison]

Omg I'm so thankful my friends and family don't act like this in regards to weddings. There's WAY too much bitterness in this thread it's almost comical.

I'm sorry you read it that way.

I never told anyone to suck it up and compromise, nor would I expect that from my family or friends. I was only stating the way I've been in weddings and suggested some of the impressions of weddings here may be a little outdated.

And honestly, it's a Wednesday morning and the sun is out and I have no idea why people have become so angered over a thread about an upset bridemaid, good God.

Dear Pot,
Re-read what you just posted, then go back and re-read your own posts as well.
Thanks,
The Kettle.

I'm sorry, I guess I didn't read the guideline that said everyone had to be sympathetic and supportive of the OP of a thread. I also didn't read where I was required to give credit to the OPs issues, when I think no credit is due.

I'm not really sure what to tell you if see my opposing viewpoint as "bashing." It's simply that, an opposing viewpoint. In a discussion, people's opinions and personal experiences differ. I'm not sure why people get so upset and take things posted so very personally.

And with that, I stand by my previous observation that the amount of bitterness in this thread is absurd. Seriously.

Several people have had itchy trigger fingers all morning, quick to add their personal experiences to defend the OP and at the same time disparage my personal experiences. And with poorly veiled attempts at sarcasm at that. I wonder why so much bitterness....

You seem to be more upset and "bitter" than anyone else. I'm not sure why that is. Most of the other people are discussing the situation, you are attacking the other participants in this discussion.

This thread seems to be frustrating you. Maybe just walk away and let it go.