Just need to vent...

[cabanafrau]

OK - sorry! But now I'm totally confused. Because I agree with you that not booking the room isn't offensive and that even if there is an after party, the bridesmaid isn't a horrid ogre just cause she doesn't want to go (or only wants to for a little bit, or wants to go for the whole time and then drive home)

So... to answer the question... We had a ton of wonderful memories that day even though I only spent half an hour at the after party. The 12 hour example I gave wasn't hypothetical - we started the day with brunch at 11 and it was almost midnight when I got back to my room. Her reception was absolutely amazing and so much fun. 12 hours of happy memories of my sister's wedding is plenty. And I'm sure she and her friends have even more happy memories from the after party - which is awesome! Nothing wrong with that at all. But I didn't need or want to go. And trust me, given how exhausted I was (again - mom of a toddler at the time!), I'm positive I wouldn't have been any fun at the after-party anyway.

Sorry, I do agree with you. I'm just trying to understand the perspective of some who believe it's part of the obligatory package, it's fun, why wouldn't you just suck it up and do it, and not doing it makes you less of a friend/suitable attendant. You seem happy about your sister's wedding, don't seem to think her a brat or a bridezilla, seem happy to celebrate with her & her friends, etc. I'm going to guess your sister would have loved to have you be a part of that and missed you, but it seems like it didn't take the shine off of her day. So I don't understand why it would bother a bride, or groom for that matter, if one of their attendants chose not to participate?

I haven't even said a peep about what I did or didn't do in my own wedding or weddings I've participated in. I'm perfectly content with my own experience, but it's not one size fits all.

 

[tvguy]

WE are attending my husband's cousins wedding in June. His cousin called several months ago to let us know that the rooms at the resort the wedding will take place at were almost all booked. I called that day and could not get the three nights we need so we needed to have a split stay. Hotels generally will only offer a limited number of reduced rate rooms. I was nto able to get a room for the first two nights at any price.

Ours was a Marriott, and at least at this location the wedding planner strongly advised the bride book about a third more rooms than she thought she might need because there was no cost if they weren't booked up until a week in advance. We booked 40, and used 35.

 

[megster1123]

It's a discussion forum. People discussion thoughts, ideas, opinions. Sometimes people have differing opinions, and that's fine. A different perspective is just that, it's not "bitterness".

Sure. Keep telling yourself that.

And a lot of us are trying to help you realize that that isn't an appropriate conclusion.

Well thank you for trying to help me realize I should change my way of thinking to something you and the rest of the mob here feel is a more appropriate conclusion.

After reading the comments here and seeing how many band-wagoners came out of the woodwork with their pitchforks ... I'm extremely happy that I have a different mindset than the people that just spent 5 hours acting like internet bullies

 

[NYDisGuy]

Nobody said "You don't love your spouse". Not one person said that.

I will say that if you are with your brand new husband and you are worried about, getting hurt, getting upset, etc. that others didn't come party with you AFTER the wedding, well you just aren't into your new spouse. Who in the world frets about that drama when you have your new spouse by your side?

Again, I would rather be alone with my new husband to finally have a quiet moment after the big day. But if you want to be with people after reception, go for it! Just don't get angry at those who would rather go home.

Well then it looks like we are on the same page then, I misunderstood your original post. My apologies

 

[Wendy31]

I guess my main question is that - even after all that goes into being a bridesmaid - wouldn't you still want to join the party? Because honestly, as a bride, if I had to make attending a party an obligation I would probably reconsider my choice of who I asked to be a bridesmaid. A bride shouldn't have to "make" her friends come to a party. Her friends should want to come.

Please know that I'm asking this in all sincerity & not trying to be rude.

If you had a friend from some part of your life that you really wanted to be in your wedding party & that friend was willing to attend & co-host the myriad of before-wedding celebrations (showers, parties, bachelorette events, etc.) & was willing to purchase a bridesmaid dress, shoes, & jewelry, & other accessories, was willing to purchase different gifts for you for the various events, was willing to participate in & pay for the before-wedding manicure & pedicure & hair styling, & would be by your side the day of the wedding for the ceremony & reception, but, for whatever reason, could not attend or did not want to attend the after-reception party, you'd re-consider asking her to be in the wedding party?

I think after-the-reception parties for the bride & groom & their close friends are fine if that's what the bride & groom want, but I don't think it's an offense to the bride & groom if a bridesmaid or groomsman chooses not to attend the after-party. There are all sorts of reasons why someone may not want to attend or cannot attend, & the bride & groom should exhibit a little understanding & kindness & gratitude.

Regarding the OP not being able to afford a hotel room for the wedding night, I think someone's financial condition is personal, & she shouldn't have to disclose that her main reason for not staying the night is financial - especially since it's for after the wedding & reception & not anything related to the wedding.

However, the bride would probably appreciate a little more enthusiasm from the OP... and the brief text replies & non-participating in the group texts is probably worrying the bride.

 

[megster1123]

You seem to be more upset and "bitter" than anyone else. I'm not sure why that is. Most of the other people are discussing the situation, you are attacking the other participants in this discussion.

This thread seems to be frustrating you. Maybe just walk away and let it go.

I'm just one person, defending my words and getting piled on. When people chose to turn the discussion towards my comments and my experiences, I respond as I see fit. It's not bitterness, it's called standing up for yourself.

 

[DopeyDame]

Sure. Keep telling yourself that.



Well thank you for trying to help me realize I should change my way of thinking to something you and the rest of the mob here feel is a more appropriate conclusion.

After reading the comments here and seeing how many band-wagoners came out of the woodwork with their pitchforks ... I'm extremely happy that I have a different mindset than the people that just spent 5 hours acting like internet bullies

So you really think that if someone doesn't want to participate in one aspect of an engagement/wedding, that that makes them a bad friend? You truly think that if someone can't go to the bridal shower or the special golf outing or get their manicures done or go to an after party (for whatever reason, including that they just don't feel like it), that they don't like you and that you should kick them out of your life? That conclusion is far more bully-ing than anything I've seen in this thread. In fact, it's very reminiscent of the crappy "do it my way or you're not my friend" experience DS had in school this year.

And it also *is*, in fact, an inaccurate conclusion, to assume that someone who chooses not to do one thing (for example, book a hotel room), isn't a good friend.

 

[megster1123]

Please know that I'm asking this in all sincerity & not trying to be rude.

If you had a friend from some part of your life that you really wanted to be in your wedding party & that friend was willing to attend & co-host the myriad of before-wedding celebrations (showers, parties, bachelorette events, etc.) & was willing to purchase a bridesmaid dress, shoes, & jewelry, & other accessories, was willing to purchase different gifts for you for the various events, was willing to participate in & pay for the before-wedding manicure & pedicure & hair styling, & would be by your side the day of the wedding for the ceremony & reception, but, for whatever reason, could not attend or did not want to attend the after-reception party, you'd re-consider asking her to be in the wedding party?

I think after-the-reception parties for the bride & groom & their close friends are fine if that's what the bride & groom want, but I don't think it's an offense to the bride & groom if a bridesmaid or groomsman chooses not to attend the after-party. There are all sorts of reasons why someone may not want to attend or cannot attend, & the bride & groom should exhibit a little understanding & kindness & gratitude.

Regarding the OP not being able to afford a hotel room for the wedding night, I think someone's financial condition is personal, & she shouldn't have to disclose that her main reason for not staying the night is financial - especially since it's for after the wedding & reception & not anything related to the wedding.

However, the bride would probably appreciate a little more enthusiasm from the OP... and the brief text replies & non-participating in the group texts is probably worrying the bride.

Actually I didn't ask any of my bridesmaids to do most of those things you noted. But thanks for assuming I was a demanding bride with no regard for the feelings of my friends.

 

[megster1123]

So you really think that if someone doesn't want to participate in one aspect of an engagement/wedding, that that makes them a bad friend? You truly think that if someone can't go to the bridal shower or the special golf outing or get their manicures done or go to an after party (for whatever reason, including that they just don't feel like it), that they don't like you and that you should kick them out of your life? That conclusion is far more bully-ing than anything I've seen in this thread. In fact, it's very reminiscent of the crappy "do it my way or you're not my friend" experience DS had in school this year.

And it also *is*, in fact, an inaccurate conclusion, to assume that someone who chooses not to do one thing (for example, book a hotel room), isn't a good friend.

Go ahead, keep coming up with hypothetical what-ifs to try and make yourself feel better about bashing my choices and experiences.

 

[cabanafrau]

Please know that I'm asking this in all sincerity & not trying to be rude.

If you had a friend from some part of your life that you really wanted to be in your wedding party & that friend was willing to attend & co-host the myriad of before-wedding celebrations (showers, parties, bachelorette events, etc.) & was willing to purchase a bridesmaid dress, shoes, & jewelry, & other accessories, was willing to purchase different gifts for you for the various events, was willing to participate in & pay for the before-wedding manicure & pedicure & hair styling, & would be by your side the day of the wedding for the ceremony & reception, but, for whatever reason, could not attend or did not want to attend the after-reception party, you'd re-consider asking her to be in the wedding party?

I think after-the-reception parties for the bride & groom & their close friends are fine if that's what the bride & groom want, but I don't think it's an offense to the bride & groom if a bridesmaid or groomsman chooses not to attend the after-party. There are all sorts of reasons why someone may not want to attend or cannot attend, & the bride & groom should exhibit a little understanding & kindness & gratitude.

Regarding the OP not being able to afford a hotel room for the wedding night, I think someone's financial condition is personal, & she shouldn't have to disclose that her main reason for not staying the night is financial - especially since it's for after the wedding & reception & not anything related to the wedding.

However, the bride would probably appreciate a little more enthusiasm from the OP... and the brief text replies & non-participating in the group texts is probably worrying the bride.

I think your last line has a good possibility of being at the root of OP's real troubles, particularly if all of the other attendants have been seemingly in with both feet.

 

[cabanafrau]

I have noticed an increase in brides struggling to let the whole experience go and realize the wedding was just the day, the marriage is life's real gift of an adventure, one with decisions that really matter.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

I guess my main question is that - even after all that goes into being a bridesmaid - wouldn't you still want to join the party? Because honestly, as a bride, if I had to make attending a party an obligation I would probably reconsider my choice of who I asked to be a bridesmaid. A bride shouldn't have to "make" her friends come to a party. Her friends should want to come.

Exactly what does that have to do with not renting a room at a hotel? Why would one be contingent on the other?

 

[Wendy31]

Actually I didn't ask any of my bridesmaids to do most of those things you noted. But thanks for assuming I was a demanding bride with no regard for the feelings of my friends.

I don't think I said that you asked any of your bridesmaids to do all of those things. I was just listing all the possible various things that could be a bridesmaid's responsibilities for a wedding. And I certainly didn't say you were demanding or didn't have any feelings for your friends.

In an earlier post, you had said that, if you had a friend that didn't want to attend one of the wedding-related parties or felt it was an "obligation" instead of a "want to attend" thing, you'd reconsider asking that person to be in your wedding party.

I was responding to that and asking you simply - If you had a friend that was otherwise willing to do all the other pre-wedding & wedding events (whatever they may be) but, for whatever reason, could not attend or did not want to attend an after-reception party, you'd reconsider asking her to be in your wedding party?

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Do you know that she didn't? All the OP said was that she didn't think there was anything planned for the day after.
And honestly, if the OP didn't want to make any effort to join in the festivities of the wedding with friend and celebrate with them, why even be in the wedding?

There's already a shower, bachelorette party, the actual wedding, then the reception and NOW if you are not available for yet another gathering after all the important parts are over then you may as well not bother with all of the important stuff before hand?? My goodness. How long must these things drag on now? Pretty soon Brides will expect their wedding party to go on the honeymoon with them as well @@

 

[megster1123]

Exactly what does that have to do with not renting a room at a hotel? Why would one be contingent on the other?

Honestly, I have no idea what it has to do with getting a room at the hotel. I stated my opinion a long time ago and then have spent way too much time explaining my opinion and defending myself when other posters decided to change the direction of the thread and attack me.
At this point I'm curious to see how long they'll keep it up and how ridiculous it gets. We've dubbed it Disney Bullyfest 2016 and are taking bets on how many pages they'll continue to pile on.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

We've dubbed it Disney Bullyfest 2016 and are taking bets on how many pages they'll continue to pile on.

... I'm extremely happy that I have a different mindset than the people that just spent 5 hours acting like internet bullies

Bullying?

I think you are upset that people challenged what you think to be right. You think a bride has every right to be upset if a bridesmaid doesn't attend the after-the-wedding party. People have challenged you on that. No bullying at all.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

There's already a shower, bachelorette party, the actual wedding, then the reception and NOW if you are not available for yet another gathering after all the important parts are over then you may as well not bother with all of the important stuff before hand?? My goodness. How long must these things drag on now? Pretty soon Brides will expect their wedding party to go on the honeymoon with them as well @@

Ummmm....I do know 2 people that had a group of friends go on their honeymoon Both were to all inclusives and the pictures were proudly posted daily of a group of couples just hanging out on the beach and drinking. Happy Honeymoon. Weird.

 

[megster1123]

Bullying?

I think you are upset that people challenged what you think to be right. You think a bride has every right to be upset if a bridesmaid doesn't attend the after-the-wedding party. People have challenged you on that. No bullying at all.

Ok sure ... tell that to the other posters that messaged me privately stating they've received similar treatment from certain individuals in this thread...

 

[Allison]

Please don't take away from the seriousness of real bullying. A discussion like this is definitely not it and overuse of the word is taking away the real meaning.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Ok sure ... tell that to the other posters that messaged me privately stating they've received similar treatment from certain individuals in this thread...

I am sorry. I did not know you were private messaged. I take back my post.

ETA--Wait. Did people private message you to harass you? That is what I thought you were saying.

Or are you saying: "Yes. I am being bullied. I know this because others PM'd me and agreed that I was being bullied."

I am confused