Just need to vent...

[nephthys43]

I am in my friend's wedding in a couple of months. Today she called me at work to ask me about hotel rooms. I do not have one reserved. I forgot to reserve before they were all gone. Frankly, I cannot afford it along with everything else, anyway. I'm not quite sure why she's stressing out over me staying after the wedding. There's nothing planned for the next day, that I'm aware of. We talked about meeting up this weekend when she's in a nearby town. We say goodbye, and I think nothing of it.

I get a text about 2 hours later reminding me that it's over an hour from my house (i know) and that she wishes I would have told her and she would have helped me and that she sent the rate code as soon as she got it. Then she says she's worried. Now I'm confused. Why is she worried? I'm a grown woman and if I choose to drive home after her wedding, then I should be allowed to. I replied back that it's ok, and that it's my fault. I was busy and forgot. I have friends up there and could probably crash with them if I needed to.

Then I get a text saying she's upset and she feels like I just don't care tbh and that she's sad. I replied that forgetting to book a hotel room did not mean that I don't care about her. Then she comes back at me about the bridesmaid's dress and that I just don't seem interested. That she gets that I'm going through a lot and she feels like I don't want to be part of it.

I don't even know what to say to her. On one hand, some of the things going on are ridiculous and driving me nuts. Group text messages (some are hundreds of messages) showing each other their shoes or whatnot. I bought shoes. I didn't feel the need to text everyone about them. The fact that I paid $500 for a weekend bridal shower / bachelorette party and had to sleep on the floor when her sister got pissy about sharing a bed. On the other, she is my friend and I love her. I put up with those things for her. Yes, the dress wasn't my favorite and I couldn't buy it the day we went shopping, but it is her wedding and I purchased what was chosen. And no, I didn't tell her that I hated the dress. I like it. It just wasn't my favorite of the ones we tried.

Right now I haven't answered her because I'm so annoyed. I really want to ask her if she wants me to step down. I'm not sure what she expects from me. I've never been the hyper, cheerleader type. So I'm hoping that's not what she wants. I'm doing what I'm asked to and what a bridesmaid is supposed to do and I will be there for her whatever she needs, but I do have other things going on in my life. When did agreeing to be in a wedding mean that you agreed to it taking over your life?

Thanks for listening... Sorry it was so long.

 

[anneboleyn]

I don't understand why she cares so much if you don't stay in a hotel after the wedding. She is going to be "preoccupied" with her husband lol. And an hour away is not a huge deal at all. As long as you don't plan on drinking, there is no reason for her to worry.

I would just maybe chalk it up to wedding jitters and the stress that comes with it. She may just be taking it out on you (which isn't okay, but hopefully means that she will forget about it soon).

Sorry you are going through this. Just keeping telling yourself that it will be over in a few months and then everything will be back to normal!

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that text messages can be a problem when you feel that something is not important and the person you are texting with feels the opposite. I would pick up the phone and call your friend and make sure she understands that you are invested in her wedding day. There are ways to communicate that you care and that you want to be a part of her special day but that you need to be honest in that you do not want to stay the night and can make your way safely home unless she has plans that you should be there for.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

I hope you're able to not take this too personally, or for that matter, too seriously. You're going to be in her wedding; you haven't signed up for someone to run your life. As long as you show up for the wedding, in the bride's choice of bridesmaid-wear, with a big smile on your face that lasts through the reception, you've done your "job". How you spend your time or your money beyond that is your business. And as long as you don't drink and that night you've fulfilled your obligation to society. This girl is bordering on earning the coveted title of "bridezilla." She's the one who should be worried about jeopardizing a friendship.

 

[fly girl]

Sometimes brides are so wrapped up in the whole ordeal and themselves they forget to take 2 steps back and realize the important things.

I agree with PP, she's likely stressed and you're safe so she can reflect it onto you. Is it right? No. But she's your friend so if it doesn't snowball out of control, let it slide. Vent here, we understand.

The weddings I typically attend have drinking involved. From that perspective, she's looking out to make sure you're safe. I don't see any other reason why she's so invested in making sure you have a room.

If I were you once you get to a happier place, reiterate how glad you are to be a part of her day. Don't ask if she wants you to step down -- that will only go down an ugly road.

Hang in there. Weddings can definitely be a hassle for a bridesmaid.

 

[VandVsmama]

My random thoughts in no particular order:

1. Wow. She went from "hey did you book a room yet?" to "you don't care about me" in the course of what amounts to a couple of hours.

2. If you staying at the hotel is mandatory then she can pay for your room.

3. You are a grown woman and are old enough to decide whether or not you want to pay for a hotel room when just over an hour away you can stay in your own bed for free.

4. She is being a drama queen.

5. Issues like this don't get sorted out on text messages. It warrants a phone call.

6. Once you are sending paragraphs to your bridesmaid it is time to actually speak to your wedding attendant.

7. She really is a drama queen very wrapped up in the little details.

8. What does it really matter to her where you stay that night? Won't she be enjoying marital bliss with her husband?

 

[kimblebee]

Don't ask her if she wants you to step down. It will only stress her out more and make things weird. Pick up the phone and call her. If you live close to her, offer to take her out for coffee; she can probably use the breather.

 

[tvguy]

I am 1 month and 1 day past my son't wedding.
My advice, call her and have an honest chat. Brides are unbelievably stressed, just give her some space and work it out.

And as for the block of rooms, the wedding is MONTHS away and the rooms are all gone? We were lucky, the hotel DD's wedding was at held rooms until the week before the wedding.

 

[belle032]

I can totally relate to what you're feeling. I'm in my fiance's sister's wedding on July 4th weekend (don't even get me started about her having it on a big holiday weekend!) and I already can't wait for it to be over. We are not very close to begin with. I respect her as a person, but we do not have a lot in common, and she's made some choices about this wedding that are leaning towards "money grabbing."

The group messages are ridiculous. I've had to turn off the notifications so my phone doesn't vibrate all day. Instead of just planning a bridal shower, she also wanted a "I Do BBQ" and stag party all planned on the same day so we had to take care of that. I literally just got home from a 4 hour "meeting" in order to get last minute things taken care of for the shower/bbq/stag party on Saturday. I honestly think it's a gift grabbing move, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, I understand the need for a meeting, but it should have taken an hour, tops.

So I get your frustration! Weddings have become just draining and almost a burden, not just for the couple, but for the people in the wedding as well. I've always said I will be where you tell me to be and when I need to be there. I bought the dress and the shoes and have done everything she's asked, but it's exhausting!

 

[Shutterbug]

Could it be that the bride wants everyone to hang out after the wedding and reception? The wedding of close friends I attended this past summer, the reception ran clear till midnight, then people of the bridal party other friends then hung out in the lounge afterwards.

I am 1 month and 1 day past my son't wedding.
My advice, call her and have an honest chat. Brides are unbelievably stressed, just give her some space and work it out.

And as for the block of rooms, the wedding is MONTHS away and the rooms are all gone? We were lucky, the hotel DD's wedding was at held rooms until the week before the wedding.

At the same wedding the hotel hosted like 3 weddings and receptions. The hotel was full.

 

[manning]

My random thoughts in no particular order:

1. Wow. She went from "hey did you book a room yet?" to "you don't care about me" in the course of what amounts to a couple of hours.

2. If you staying at the hotel is mandatory then she can pay for your room.

3. You are a grown woman and are old enough to decide whether or not you want to pay for a hotel room when just over an hour away you can stay in your own bed for free.

4. She is being a drama queen.

5. Issues like this don't get sorted out on text messages. It warrants a phone call.

6. Once you are sending paragraphs to your bridesmaid it is time to actually speak to your wedding attendant.

7. She really is a drama queen very wrapped up in the little details.

8. What does it really matter to her where you stay that night? Won't she be enjoying marital bliss with her husband?

Interesting what she will be like when she has her 1st child

Mom to be to child : "you don't love me, you were 2 minutes late getting born!"

 

[Nancyg56]

I am 1 month and 1 day past my son't wedding.
My advice, call her and have an honest chat. Brides are unbelievably stressed, just give her some space and work it out.

And as for the block of rooms, the wedding is MONTHS away and the rooms are all gone? We were lucky, the hotel DD's wedding was at held rooms until the week before the wedding.

WE are attending my husband's cousins wedding in June. His cousin called several months ago to let us know that the rooms at the resort the wedding will take place at were almost all booked. I called that day and could not get the three nights we need so we needed to have a split stay. Hotels generally will only offer a limited number of reduced rate rooms. I was nto able to get a room for the first two nights at any price.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am in my friend's wedding in a couple of months. Today she called me at work to ask me about hotel rooms. I do not have one reserved. I forgot to reserve before they were all gone. Frankly, I cannot afford it along with everything else, anyway. I'm not quite sure why she's stressing out over me staying after the wedding. There's nothing planned for the next day, that I'm aware of. We talked about meeting up this weekend when she's in a nearby town. We say goodbye, and I think nothing of it.

I get a text about 2 hours later reminding me that it's over an hour from my house (i know) and that she wishes I would have told her and she would have helped me and that she sent the rate code as soon as she got it. Then she says she's worried. Now I'm confused. Why is she worried? I'm a grown woman and if I choose to drive home after her wedding, then I should be allowed to. I replied back that it's ok, and that it's my fault. I was busy and forgot. I have friends up there and could probably crash with them if I needed to.

Then I get a text saying she's upset and she feels like I just don't care tbh and that she's sad. I replied that forgetting to book a hotel room did not mean that I don't care about her. Then she comes back at me about the bridesmaid's dress and that I just don't seem interested. That she gets that I'm going through a lot and she feels like I don't want to be part of it.

I don't even know what to say to her. On one hand, some of the things going on are ridiculous and driving me nuts. Group text messages (some are hundreds of messages) showing each other their shoes or whatnot. I bought shoes. I didn't feel the need to text everyone about them. The fact that I paid $500 for a weekend bridal shower / bachelorette party and had to sleep on the floor when her sister got pissy about sharing a bed. On the other, she is my friend and I love her. I put up with those things for her. Yes, the dress wasn't my favorite and I couldn't buy it the day we went shopping, but it is her wedding and I purchased what was chosen. And no, I didn't tell her that I hated the dress. I like it. It just wasn't my favorite of the ones we tried.

Right now I haven't answered her because I'm so annoyed. I really want to ask her if she wants me to step down. I'm not sure what she expects from me. I've never been the hyper, cheerleader type. So I'm hoping that's not what she wants. I'm doing what I'm asked to and what a bridesmaid is supposed to do and I will be there for her whatever she needs, but I do have other things going on in my life. When did agreeing to be in a wedding mean that you agreed to it taking over your life?

Thanks for listening... Sorry it was so long.

My advice is to ignore her freak out and tell her it will be fine. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

[Allons-y!]

I agree with most of the others. It sounds like she is feeling stressed and took it out on a "safe" person. It's not something to be proud of, but if we're all honest here, we've all done it. Call her and let her hear in your voice how excited you are to be a part of her special day. Then schedule a day (soon!) to take her out to lunch or arrange for a pedicure for the two of you so she can relax for a little while.

If you want to keep her friendship, sympathize with her, don't ask her if she wants you to step down. When someone is stressed, what they really need is for the people close to them to be the calm, rational ones. It can be hard, but I'll bet there will be a time in your life when you need her to be the strong one for you.

 

[Owlpost23]

Sounds to me like she translated your not booking a room into " she's not as interested in my wedding as I am".Well,you're not.No one is,and brides don'seem to get that when they get married,they're not giving everyone Disneyworld with matching shoes.It's an age-old problem.The only ones that are that invested in a wedding are the bride,the mother of the bride,and maybe the groom (who wants to sleep with the bride).

 

[sk!mom]

Geeez! Why do weddings have to turn into such drama?

I agree with others, it's time to call her. She's definitely having a Bridezilla moment. Trying to control every person and every tiny detail because "It's MY DAY, people!"

Keep the call calm. Reassure her that you are "so excited" for her but honestly prefer to drive home once the festivities are over. Then release it so that you don't let her give you a bad attitude toward the whole event.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

Is this type of behavior normal for your friend, or do you think it's due to stress from the wedding? I think the best route is to be honest with her. Tell her you're really excited about being a part of her big day (so excited!), but unfortunately, you just can't afford the hotel room. Has she said why she thinks it's so important for you to stay after the wedding? Unless I'd been drinking, I wouldn't think twice about driving an hour to get home after a wedding.

 

[RedAngie]

I'm guessing that in the bride's view, members of the wedding party staying over at a hotel is the norm, it's what any normal person does. Even though there are no events planned the next morning, I think the bride expects the wedding party to take her and her new hubby out to brunch, or at the very least, gush over her one more time.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I've been in a bunch of weddings, nobody but the bride and groom ever stayed at a hotel other than out of town guests. I don't consider an hour drive "out of town."

 

[sk!mom]

Could it be that the bride wants everyone to hang out after the wedding and reception? The wedding of close friends I attended this past summer, the reception ran clear till midnight, then people of the bridal party other friends then hung out in the lounge afterwards.

We are going to a destination wedding this weekend. It's in a city we love to visit but the wedding venue and hotel are on a remote edge. We were invited for the wedding only and knew of no other events connected to it so we booked the wedding hotel for the night of the wedding only rather than the three day block. I had no idea why guests would need to be there for three days. We then booked the first two nights downtown close to many things that we want to do on a weekend away. My sister and her family are meeting us and did the same. We basically decided to turn traveling to this wedding into a fun family weekend that ends with a Sunday wedding.

After it was done (and their block of rooms were expiring and not all booked), my cousin (the mother of the bride) calls me to ask why we didn't book through the block. I explained that we would be there the one night but were staying downtown before. She still didn't invite us or tell us of any pre wedding events but seemed put out. I just let it go. Then her mom called my mom (yes, mom calls- I'm 54 and my cousin is 48) and said that they wished were staying there for all 3 nights. My aunt said, well the day before the bridal parties are playing golf or going on a winery tour and we could have gone if we wanted. BUT WE WEREN"T INVITED or told about any of it!

We're going to go and have a great weekend and then enjoy the wedding but geez, don't drag me into your drama!