Is this bride "selfish"???

[onelilspark]

Not selfish. And I don't quite understand why the kids need to miss so much school. Perhaps a day or two might be more reasonable...it's a plane ride away, unless they plan on driving it.

IMO, wanting the bride & groom to do what you want them to do because it's more convienent for you (collective you)...well, that is selfish. If you can't attend, you can't attend. If this means her mother isn't going to be there for as much as she wants, the bride needs to live with that choice. But it certainly isn't selfish. As a PP mentioned, it becomes selfish if the bride & groom then become upset when people can't make it.

 

[crashbb]

Thanks

My brother, who loves his stepdd dearly, just felt it was alot, especially since he and his wife (Bride's Mom) just spent a lot of time and $$ on their long planned Trip to Europe. Now the expense of plane tickets for the 4 of them at home, more vacation time etc. Their nuclear family is very close and all will definitely attend.

It isn't the bride and groom's "fault" that your brother and his wife spent a lot of time and money going to Europe. I could see the following post:

"Are my mother and step-father selfish? They just took a big trip to Europe, and now, because of that trip (which no one else went on) they are saying that I cannot have my wedding the way that I want to (since they already spent a lot of time and money on their trip".

Note - I am not saying that your brother and his wife *are* selfish, just showing another possible viewpoint. And "fault" is not the right word, I just couldn't think of a better one.

 

[luvmy3]

Having a destination wedding does not make a bride and groom selfish. However expecting a bride and groom to have their wedding where its more convenient for you or others to attend is.
(Not directing this to anyone specifically)

 

[Teacher03]

Not selfish at all! I have seen too many couples trying to make everyone else happy concerning their wedding that their wishes get pushed aside. As long as the couple understands that not everyone will be able to attend, it is not selfish.

 

[Pigeon]

The problem is that "all feel obligated to attend." Why do they feel obligated?

I don't think destination weddings are selfish if and only if the couple genuinely do not care if anyone, including parents and siblings, do not attend. Otherwise, they are selfish.

If my sister or my daughter decided to have a destination wedding, I wouldn't go. I'd wish them well, but if their feelings were hurt, that's not my problem.

 

[Hoodie]

The reason I don't care for destination weddings is BECAUSE I think they are selfish. In this case the bride and groom are being especially selfish because all three families live in the same community but they want a beach wedding a three day drive away . I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings here, but that's how I feel about it.

Have you considered that perhaps you and others are being selfish because you want the bride to give up what she wants for her wedding day to suit your needs? There's always the other side

 

[Hoodie]

My SIS IL was invited to a destination wedding in Hawaii and immediately told the B&G that she was going o attend. This was in the planning stages and many of their friends and family said this as well. Came down to it, very few of them were able to attend, it sounded good as they were all talking about it but when it came down to actually having the time available and the finances allocated it was not so easy. I felt badly for the couple, they were led to believe that their wedding would be well attended.

This happened to friends of ours. They announced the destination wedding almost two years in advance. Unfortunately, this was prior to the economic downturn so more than half of those who thought they could go ended up not attending. It was also on a Tuesday night so nearly everyone would have had to take several days off of work/school (Yes - they did the double whammy - destination AND a mid-week wedding). It just didn't work out. The mother of the groom was the most upset by the non-attendance, but honestly when that is the situation you can't get upset by people not attending.

 

[monkey68]

I don't know, destination weddings bother me for some reason. It's not that I think they're selfish per se, it's more.... short sighted I guess. The long history in my family is that no, the wedding is not just about you, it's about your families and about bringing joy to your family, and bringing the 2 families together. I know that I would feel terribly knowing that my family was going to have a difficult time flying to some exotic locale for my wedding. I would personally get married near home and take a honeymoon in that beach destination.

But that's just my own opinion, I do think they can have the wedding wherever and whenever they want, I would just try to be a bit more considerate to the families, personally.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't think having a wedding out of town is selfish. What gets me are the people that then have a reception later that is closer to home. Either you want people to celebrate your wedding or you don't. But don't have what amounts to a gift grab later.

My sister had a destination wedding, and had a reception here in NJ, and in Chicago, because she knew a lot of people, including family, were not going to be able to make it to the wedding. It was not a gift grab - they're VERY well off, and the wedding gifts they received certainly wouldn't make or break them. They wanted to celebrate with those they loved, but wanted a destination wedding also.

 

[klj27]

I don't know, destination weddings bother me for some reason. It's not that I think they're selfish per se, it's more.... short sighted I guess. The long history in my family is that no, the wedding is not just about you, it's about your families and about bringing joy to your family, and bringing the 2 families together. I know that I would feel terribly knowing that my family was going to have a difficult time flying to some exotic locale for my wedding. I would personally get married near home and take a honeymoon in that beach destination.

But that's just my own opinion, I do think they can have the wedding wherever and whenever they want, I would just try to be a bit more considerate to the families, personally.

This is exactly how I feel! My BIL had a destination wedding two years ago. It was not an option to not attend. We have a close family and we were expected to be there and we wanted to see them married. It was a horrible time. It was very selfish. They kept commenting how much cheaper it was to get married like this. It was not cheaper for us and it took time away from our family vacation. It added at least $1000 to our trip and I felt like it was about the "wedding" and not the "marriage".

 

[luvmy3]

This is exactly how I feel! My BIL had a destination wedding two years ago. It was not an option to not attend. We have a close family and we were expected to be there and we wanted to see them married. It was a horrible time. It was very selfish. They kept commenting how much cheaper it was to get married like this. It was not cheaper for us and it took time away from our family vacation. It added at least $1000 to our trip and I felt like it was about the "wedding" and not the "marriage".

See this is what I don't get. I realize that certain guests like parents, brothers, sisters, etc are expected to go to a family members wedding but its still a choice you have to make whether to go or not. There is always an option to not go no matter how you or everyone feels about you being there or not. If you don't want to have to spend $1000 then don't go, or find a way to make it cheaper for yoursef, but if you do decide to go there is nobody else to blame but yourself.

I'm not picking on you klj27, I just don't get the mentality that its somehow the bride and groom's selfishness that forced you to spend money you didn't want to on a trip that you really could have declined to go on.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

The reason I don't care for destination weddings is BECAUSE I think they are selfish. In this case the bride and groom are being especially selfish because all three families live in the same community but they want a beach wedding a three day drive away . I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings here, but that's how I feel about it.

I have to agree with you here. It is not like the family is all spread out. They are all close together. It will even cause hardship to their immediate family and they don't seem to care. I guess I view a wedding differently. I view it as the joining of the couple and their families. The backdrop of the event is just a minor detail. YMMV.

 

[klj27]

See this is what I don't get. I realize that certain guests like parents, brothers, sisters, etc are expected to go to a family members wedding but its still a choice you have to make whether to go or not. There is always an option to not go no matter how you or everyone feels about you being there or not. If you don't want to have to spend $1000 then don't go, or find a way to make it cheaper for yoursef, but if you do decide to go there is nobody else to blame but yourself.

I'm not picking on you klj27, I just don't get the mentality that its somehow the bride and groom's selfishness that forced you to spend money you didn't want to on a trip that you really could have declined to go on.

Maybe the expectation comes from the type of family you have. We have a very close family. We all live in the same city. We all get together the first Sunday of the month. We support each other and you would never dream of missing someone's wedding. The bride and groom knew there was no way any of us would not come to their wedding and I can't even imagine the fall out if we wouldn't have come. Our in laws felt so bad for the position we and other siblings were put in that they chipped in a chunk of money.

 

[blissventure]

I have to agree with you here. It is not like the family is all spread out. They are all close together. It will even cause hardship to their immediate family and they don't seem to care. I guess I view a wedding differently. I view it as the joining of the couple and their families. The backdrop of the event is just a minor detail. YMMV.

I view weddings the same way.
Destination weddings are something very different. I wouldn't attend one. If a couple wants a vacation, great. If they want to elope, great. But the happy couple doesn't get to choose how I'm spending my vacation $$$. I'll send them a gift and call it square.

 

[monkey68]

See this is what I don't get. I realize that certain guests like parents, brothers, sisters, etc are expected to go to a family members wedding but its still a choice you have to make whether to go or not. There is always an option to not go no matter how you or everyone feels about you being there or not. If you don't want to have to spend $1000 then don't go, or find a way to make it cheaper for yoursef, but if you do decide to go there is nobody else to blame but yourself.

I'm not picking on you klj27, I just don't get the mentality that its somehow the bride and groom's selfishness that forced you to spend money you didn't want to on a trip that you really could have declined to go on.

Maybe it's just the way I was raised, but to not go to your own sister's wedding is a major diss, a huge slap in the face. It's basically not a choice. Which is why sometimes, even on your wedding day, you make a compromise for the ones you love. Heck, even my sister when she got married had to do it later than she wanted because our family from Israel wouldn't have been able to make it for an earlier date. She could have said it's her wedding, and whether or not they came is their choice, but she just picked a date about a month later so they could come.

When my cousin in Israel got married, she did the same thing. Both my mom and my sister work in a school, so she picked a date that was on one of their breaks, even though we were the only people coming from outside the country. Everybody needs to make a compromise, and I feel like if you're doing a wedding where it would make it very difficult for your family to attend, then it's not a wedding I personally would choose, and I don't think anyone in my family would choose.

I dunno, I don't get why people get so caught up in the "It's my day" business. It's not just your day, and it's not just about you. It's about your families coming together, it's about having the people you care about the most with you to celebrate a joyous occasion, it's about a start of your life together and hopefully with the people you call family. And if you can't have them there, or you cause a lot of stress for them to get there, what's the point? Rant over.

 

[ms.yt]

Maybe the expectation comes from the type of family you have. We have a very close family. We all live in the same city. We all get together the first Sunday of the month. We support each other and you would never dream of missing someone's wedding. The bride and groom knew there was no way any of us would not come to their wedding and I can't even imagine the fall out if we wouldn't have come. Our in laws felt so bad for the position we and other siblings were put in that they chipped in a chunk of money.

Yet you can't be supportive about what this couple wanted to do for their wedding.

I don't know why people get so bent out of shape over weddings.

 

[Becky2005]

I don't think they are selfish for getting married where they want and when they want.

I suppose by this argument, I could say my niece is being selfish. My sister lives in CT but there is no family out there (neither my sister's side or my ex-BIL either). My niece is planning on getting married next May at a park there and my DD has been asked to be in the wedding.

By the way of thinking of the OP, my niece should have come back to IL to have her wedding since 90% of her relatives all live here. Instead, we are going to have to pull our kids out of school for a week to go to her wedding. I'm perfectly fine with that because it's HER day and actually, I have to laugh because I guess it's payback for my wedding.

I got married in May, at the time my niece was 3 years old -- she was my flower girl & her brother was about 6 (he was 1 of my ring bearers), so he had to be pulled from school to come to my wedding. Honestly, I never gave it a thought about pulling kids from school. I didn't have kids. I wanted a May wedding. My birthday is May 31, so I wanted it not too close to my birthday. The 2nd week in May seemed a good choice. It didn't even register that I got married the day before Mother's Day either until it was time to find a florist.

My niece is young, she has no kids -- why would she even remotely think about my children's school schedule when picking a date! She is looking at what SHE wants for her wedding. If all goes well, it should be the only one they get to have, therefore they should get to pick/have whatever kind of ceremony they want.

 

[luvmy3]

Maybe the expectation comes from the type of family you have. We have a very close family. We all live in the same city. We all get together the first Sunday of the month. We support each other and you would never dream of missing someone's wedding. The bride and groom knew there was no way any of us would not come to their wedding and I can't even imagine the fall out if we wouldn't have come. Our in laws felt so bad for the position we and other siblings were put in that they chipped in a chunk of money.

I understand what you are saying because I have a family very much like that, but no matter what it is still my choice about whether I go or not. I may not want to deal with the consequences and what would be said if I didn't attend, but its still my decision. I don't expect a bride and groom to have to stress about everyone in their families when it comes to planning their wedding and as a family member I want them to have the most memorable and wonderful day they can, the way they want. If that happens to be a destination wedding then so be it and I would do what I coud do attend, but if I couldn't or didn't want to and did go anyway I woudln't blame them and complain about what I had to do in order to go. If I did the only one being selfish in that situatin would be myself.

 

[blissventure]

I don't think they are selfish for getting married where they want and when they want.

I suppose by this argument, I could say my niece is being selfish. My sister lives in CT but there is no family out there (neither my sister's side or my ex-BIL either). My niece is planning on getting married next May at a park there and my DD has been asked to be in the wedding.

By the way of thinking of the OP, my niece should have come back to IL to have her wedding since 90% of her relatives all live here. Instead, we are going to have to pull our kids out of school for a week to go to her wedding. I'm perfectly fine with that because it's HER day and actually, I have to laugh because I guess it's payback for my wedding.

I got married in May, at the time my niece was 3 years old -- she was my flower girl & her brother was about 6 (he was 1 of my ring bearers), so he had to be pulled from school to come to my wedding. Honestly, I never gave it a thought about pulling kids from school. I didn't have kids. I wanted a May wedding. My birthday is May 31, so I wanted it not too close to my birthday. The 2nd week in May seemed a good choice. It didn't even register that I got married the day before Mother's Day either until it was time to find a florist.

My niece is young, she has no kids -- why would she even remotely think about my children's school schedule when picking a date! She is looking at what SHE wants for her wedding. If all goes well, it should be the only one they get to have, therefore they should get to pick/have whatever kind of ceremony they want.

It sounds like your niece is getting married in the town where her parents live. That's entirely different than a "destination" wedding. I would absolutely travel to that kind of wedding. (And I have done so in the past.)

 

[robinb]

I have to agree with you here. It is not like the family is all spread out. They are all close together. It will even cause hardship to their immediate family and they don't seem to care. I guess I view a wedding differently. I view it as the joining of the couple and their families. The backdrop of the event is just a minor detail. YMMV.

Yes, that's exactly how I feel.

I also see a disturbing trend of destination weddings as a way of pruning the guest list. A bride and groom feel they cannot afford a big wedding so they plan an artificially small wedding instead by "pricing out" many of their guests. If you want a small wedding then have the guts to have a small wedding! Don't make it difficult for the people who will be at your wedding anyway to be there with you.