Is this bride "selfish"???

[disbridemimi]

I think we should start a thread about how selfish wedding guests can be.

Weddings bring out the worst in people, it is so bizzare to me. It is supposed to be a happy thing. This is a marriage, not just a party that should be held at YOUR choice of locale. Thats absurd. If its too expensive or somewhere you don't want to go, DONT GO! Lol. Its pretty simple actually. If you are that family member that is always complaining, I am guessing they wont miss you. Every family has one. Mine has two. NO INVITATION EVER requires that you be present. Unless of course it is a summons and comes from a judge. If YOU make it more than that, that is YOU making it more than that.

Even when a couple has an at home totally tradional wedding, they are still barraged with the constant complaints of what people didnt like or their unsolicited opinions. It is a NO WIN situation for the bride and groom I promise. Brides & grooms have to learn to tune it out or else they would never get married.

We were planning (and still are planning) a destination wedding. We started hearing complaints & your so selfish blah blah blah, and we almost gave in! We started planning an at home wedding (not at all what WE want) and then GUESS WHAT! The SAME people started complaining about THAT TOO!
Why is it on a Sunday/Monday Friday?
That location isn't close enough!
Why can't we bring our kids and drink all day for free?
Why is the location closer to the brides family?
Why would you order chocolate cake our family only eats vanilla?

blah blah blah blah complain complain complain

Then we realized that the complainers will complain, no matter what you do, so you might as well have the wedding of your dreams, and if the complainers can't come, thats a bonus! I am guessing they will find a way to come. They always do. lol. We want a small destination wedding with immediate family only. If they can't make it, we understand, no problem. No muss no fuss!

Thats right I am a selfish bride. I LOVE that everyone blames the bride too, as if the groom has no say or no part in it. Thats ridiculous as well.

 

[luvmy3]

Then we realized that the complainers will complain, no matter what you do, so you might as well have the wedding of your dreams, and if the complainers can't come, thats a bonus! I am guessing they will find a way to come. They always do. lol. We want a small destination wedding with immediate family only. If they can't make it, we understand, no problem. No muss no fuss!

Thats right I am a selfish bride. I LOVE that everyone blames the bride too, as if the groom has no say or no part in it. Thats ridiculous as well.

so true, so true

 

[chicagoshannon]

I dont' think it's selfish but you better bet that I would have made sure my MOM could be at my wedding. Seems like she doesn't care if her mom is there or not.

 

[princess momma]

I was sitting next to DH's cousin at a wedding and she started complaining that they didn't serve ice cream with the wedding cake. "I can't eat cake without ice cream. Why don't they just offer it? I wonder if I go ask the kitchen for ice cream if they'll give it to me? Why didn't they think of this when they were planning the wedding?" On and on and on about ice cream.

People will complain no matter what.

 

[Pigeon]

We were never asked to attend their wedding that was 1000 miles away. We were told when it was and to be there. The bride and groom knew that this was a financial hardship for us and it didn't matter.

Well, that's when I would have said something like "I think not," only in somewhat more colorful terms.

And I wouldn't care who was offended.

 

[NMAmy]

It's the brides fault that Mom used her vacation time already?????

Possibly because the bride and groom didn't tell her parents until THREE months before the wedding just as they were leaving for a trip to Europe? Most people don't have a ton of vacation time and in this economy, some people have difficulty taking unpaid time off or even regular vacation time.

 

[NMAmy]

I wonder why you expect the bride and groom should have to give up their wants on one of the most important days of their lives, but its okay for the guests to expect them to give up things, like a destination wedding for their selfish reasons? I guess they should look at this way, they are lucky they were even invited to share in that couple's day and not b@tch and moan how it isn't convenient for them to attend.

Ordinarily, I would agree with this--the bride and groom should do what they want and the guests can choose to attend or not. However, the lack of advance notice and the fact that these are the bride's parents change the situation for me. I didn't feel my parents were "lucky" to be invited to my wedding. I couldn't imagine having it without them. Perhaps that's where you and I differ.

As far as my dd's wedding I plan on giving her what I can budget wise and she can work with that, but that doesn't mean I am going to assume I have any right to tell her where she can have her own wedding. If I expected her to compromise her day for me, even if I am helping her pay for it I woudln't be surprised if I was left off the guest list completely. I wouldn't invite myself either

If I presented my reasons to my dd (no vacation time, financial issues), I would hope that she'd be reasonable enough to either push the wedding date back a bit or change the location. I wouldn't insist upon it or EXPECT it. I know my kid and I'm pretty sure that, like me, she wouldn't want to get married without her parents there. I can't imagine leaving a parent off the guest list.

 

[Stitchfans]

Nope, she's only selfish if she isn't understanding when people decline her invitation.

 

[Va-bear]

That's pretty much the definition of the word selfish--concerned only for oneself without regard for others.

Exactly. Do they have the right to be selfish? Yes, but it's still selfish - as long as the bride and groom are ok with that, then fine. But, it's kind of a sad statement about todays world, in my opinion. You watch those Bridezilla/Who's Wedding shows and the bride/groom are walking around saying 'it's MY day, it's MY day"..... And then there's the Mom or Dad saying "it's their DREAM ...' and going broke to give them their dream. WHY??? Make it a special day, but you dont have to have everything you ever dreamed of. Heck, I dream of living in a mansion and eating bon bons all day, but it's not realistic, nor would I feel good about it, in the end, if it meant I, or my parents, friends, etc, had to overextend themselves to get me there.

 

[blissventure]

Exactly. Do they have the right to be selfish? Yes, but it's still selfish - as long as the bride and groom are ok with that, then fine. But, it's kind of a sad statement about todays world, in my opinion. You watch those Bridezilla/Who's Wedding shows and the bride/groom are walking around saying 'it's MY day, it's MY day"..... And then there's the Mom or Dad saying "it's their DREAM ...' and going broke to give them their dream. WHY??? Make it a special day, but you dont have to have everything you ever dreamed of. Heck, I dream of living in a mansion and eating bon bons all day, but it's not realistic, nor would I feel good about it, in the end, if it meant I, or my parents, friends, etc, had to overextend themselves to get me there.

Agreed. And I think this whole, "I have to have my DREAM", thing is just nuts. I don't drive a dream car, I don't live in a dream house, I didn't have a dream wedding, my kids went to colleges we could afford (not the dream school), and guess what? We're happy! Life isn't all about making sure you get every last thing you could possibly want and then more. Where's my cheese, and gimme more of it isn't a great way to start life.

It's possible to have a beautiful wedding without breaking the bank. It's all about thinking through the options, possibilities, and being willing to compromise. Compromise. It's sorta helpful if you want to stay married, too. JMO--YMMV.

 

[luvmy3]

Ordinarily, I would agree with this--the bride and groom should do what they want and the guests can choose to attend or not. However, the lack of advance notice and the fact that these are the bride's parents change the situation for me. I didn't feel my parents were "lucky" to be invited to my wedding. I couldn't imagine having it without them. Perhaps that's where you and I differ.

I don't think the bride and groom need to take into account when people take their vacations in order to plan their wedding, unless the parents or bridesmaids and groomsmen were going to be on vacation at the same time as teh wedding. I assume the bride and groom wanted it in a certain time of year, are they expected to hold off an entire year because the parents went to Europe? Did the bride already have this date picked and not the location? If so maybe the parents should have held off their trip to see what was going on with the wedding. While 3 months isn't a terribly long time, its still advance notice.


We don't differ when it comes to our parents, I couldn't imagine my father not being at my wedding. Of course he never thought of me as selfish, or expected anything other than to make myself happy that day. Yes, I did compromise things to make him as happy as well and I was happy to do it, but he never would have cared if I didn't. But let's face it not all parents are that way, and I would never begrudge a couple who wanted to leave their toxic parents of their guest list.

 

[Jennasis]

Ugh...THIS is why people elope.

 

[luvmy3]

Agreed. And I think this whole, "I have to have my DREAM", thing is just nuts. I don't drive a dream car, I don't live in a dream house, I didn't have a dream wedding, my kids went to colleges we could afford (not the dream school), and guess what? We're happy! Life isn't all about making sure you get every last thing you could possibly want and then more. Where's my cheese, and gimme more of it isn't a great way to start life.

It's possible to have a beautiful wedding without breaking the bank. It's all about thinking through the options, possibilities, and being willing to compromise. Compromise. It's sorta helpful if you want to stay married, too. JMO--YMMV.

You are making alot of assumptions about what people mean when they say they are having their dream wedding.

 

[okeydokey]

What's selfish is having a destination wedding and then EXPECTING people (even immediate family members) to come. Would she be upset if her sister and the kids just didn't go? If so, then yes it's selfish. If she is OK with people not attending, then no problem.

 

[blissventure]

You are making alot of assumptions about what people mean when they say they are having their dream wedding.

Well, there is a difference between having a dream wedding (which could mean many things) and insisting one has to have a very specific dream/no compromise. One allows for compromise, the other doesn't.
The economy has hit many families quite hard. What they might have been able to do 5 years ago (as parents or as guests) isn't an option now. Sad, but true.

 

[luvmy3]

Well, there is a difference between having a dream wedding (which could mean many things) and insisting one has to have a very specific dream/no compromise. One allows for compromise, the other doesn't.
The economy has hit many families quite hard. What they might have been able to do 5 years ago (as parents or as guests) isn't an option now. Sad, but true.

Yes, but there is a difference between compromising your *dream wedding* for your own personal reasons and compromising because your quests expect you to consider their wants/needs over your own.

 

[okeydokey]

How about destination weddings just for the bride and groom and no guests? The couple gets their day the way they want it and nobody is being extorted to use their own money to attend someone else's vacation wedding.

 

[blissventure]

How about destination weddings just for the bride and groom and no guests? The couple gets their day the way they want it and nobody is being extorted to use their own money to attend someone else's vacation wedding.

That's called eloping, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

 

[Va-bear]

What's selfish is having a destination wedding and then EXPECTING people (even immediate family members) to come. Would she be upset if her sister and the kids just didn't go? If so, then yes it's selfish. If she is OK with people not attending, then no problem.

Isn't it also selfish if the sister WANTS to come but can not afford it and the bride/groom don't "care" (another word for being "ok" w/it)? I was incredibly sad when we could not afford to go to my good firiends wedding in St. John, (we needed passports for four, plane tickets for four, etc. etc.) but was more sad when one of her two brothers could not. (And then she did have the nerve to complain - clearly, selfish- but worse was seeing how sad he was about it. But, he was kind and didnt make her feel bad.....)

 

[Jennasis]

DH and I had our dream wedding. On our farm in NC. My ENTIRE family lives in NY, so they all had to take an entire weekend off for the event to fly/drive down here. Some couldn't make it...and we were ok with that. My mom wanted DH and I to come back home to NY for the wedding, but that's not what we wanted. We wanted our $3K bbq cookout farm wedding...and we got it. It was wonderful.

Mom also wanted a DJ and a dance floor. It was an outdoor afternoon thing in AUGUST. We said no.