Is this bride "selfish"???

[Evil Genius]

When my late dh and I married, we jumped through hoops to make sure the families were happy with what we did. You know what? We absolutely HATED our wedding. It was so not what we wanted. Five years later, we had a vow renewal which was exactly the wedding we really wanted. Not many people are able to do that, so the bride and groom should be able to have the wedding of their dreams, not for family convenience.

 

[mskayjay]

I don't know, destination weddings bother me for some reason. It's not that I think they're selfish per se, it's more.... short sighted I guess. The long history in my family is that no, the wedding is not just about you, it's about your families and about bringing joy to your family, and bringing the 2 families together. I know that I would feel terribly knowing that my family was going to have a difficult time flying to some exotic locale for my wedding. I would personally get married near home and take a honeymoon in that beach destination.

But that's just my own opinion, I do think they can have the wedding wherever and whenever they want, I would just try to be a bit more considerate to the families, personally.

Totally agree. Everyone can say as much as they want that no one would feel "obligated" and the couple has the "right" to have their wedding where they choose but seriously.....weddings are about uniting a couple and uniting families. Maybe if the bond of "family" wasn't so glibly dismissed all the time, marriages and families would be closer?????

People who have destination *weddings* do expect people to attend them and that puts a tremendous strain on folks. If you just have that burning desire to have your ceremony on a beach or something, do it as a private ceremony prior to or even afterwards but don't make that your wedding. How cruel to essentially tell family that has stood by you your whole life that having the sand in your toes or the waves crashing behind is more important than choosing a location where that same family can all be a part of that very special moment. That truly is more important to you than having your Grandmother be able to see you get married? Unless you come from a monied family I really think it is very short sighted and yes, selfish. You can have the day be "all about you" without doing it 2000 miles away.

 

[mskayjay]

When my late dh and I married, we jumped through hoops to make sure the families were happy with what we did. You know what? We absolutely HATED our wedding. It was so not what we wanted. Five years later, we had a vow renewal which was exactly the wedding we really wanted. Not many people are able to do that, so the bride and groom should be able to have the wedding of their dreams, not for family convenience.

That is taking it to the other extreme and I am so sorry you felt compelled to do that for your families. How cruel of them. Geography is one thing but having the whole thing dictated.....yuck! I'm also thrilled that you were able to later have what you dreamed of. 26 years into it, I'm still debating on doing that for myself! lol Our wedding was nice but rushed and not what I wanted. I want to shop for a dress, taste cakes, pick flowers....KWIM??

 

[Jsme]

I can see you have strong views on this and I see your side but I have to agree with others, hopefully this will be a once in a lifetime wedding, and they should have what they want to have. Could it have been planned at a better time? Sure but if they are paying for it themselves this might be all they can do to have what they want for a wedding. Either way a bride deserves to have her dream wedding if it is possible.

 

[klj27]

Yet you can't be supportive about what this couple wanted to do for their wedding.

I don't know why people get so bent out of shape over weddings.

I think we probably have very different perceptions of what a wedding should be which is why we disagree. My husband and I are the coordinators of the marriage prep program at our Church. I was very supportive of their wedding. They chose not to have a religious ceremony but my husband and I offered to do the preparation program with them and they agreed. We spent time helping this couple prepare for their marriage, which is what it is all about. Maybe it is because I am older (gasp, 35) and I know that the "perfection" of your wedding day is nothing compared to a successful married life. You may not know why people get bent out of shape over weddings and I don't know why people get bent out of shape over a one day party as opposed to a lifetime committment.

I am not sayiing you will not/do not have a successful marriage. I just think our society as a whole is wrapped up into the perfect wedding and the destination wedding is a huge play into that.

My daughter is only 13 and we have talks about weddings and the ridiculous amounts of money people spend on them. I try to be a good role model for her concerning my marriage but also being a good steward of our finances.

 

[NMAmy]

Bride and her boyfriend have rented a Beach house for the month of August.
They , of course , have invited a few close friends and immediate family to witness the beach wedding.They announced this in May at time of her Mom and my brother's trip to Europe

The fact that the bride and groom told her mother and stepfather about a destination wedding only 3 months in advance does seem selfish to me just because it could cause a financial hardship for the bride's family.

I would be very disappointed in my dd if she pulled something like this. I would hope my dd would want to make certain that her parents could attend without having to go into debt, KWIM?

I understand what you are saying because I have a family very much like that, but no matter what it is still my choice about whether I go or not. I may not want to deal with the consequences and what would be said if I didn't attend, but its still my decision. I don't expect a bride and groom to have to stress about everyone in their families when it comes to planning their wedding and as a family member I want them to have the most memorable and wonderful day they can, the way they want. If that happens to be a destination wedding then so be it and I would do what I coud do attend, but if I couldn't or didn't want to and did go anyway I woudln't blame them and complain about what I had to do in order to go. If I did the only one being selfish in that situatin would be myself.

From what I understand, the OP is not talking about planning their wedding around "everyone in their families." We're talking about the parents of the bride.

I'm not saying the bride and groom should plan their wedding around their second cousin's schedule. But, to me, it is important to take your own parents into consideration.

I'd be really hurt if my dd said, "Eh, well, if you can't make it, you can't make it."

 

[Jenvenza]

not everyone is going to be happy with your wedding plans. This bride is not selfish AT ALL. I don't even understand why you would think she is. It is HER wedding - not yours - and if she wants it in the Florida keys, then she should have it in the Florida Keys.

 

[klj27]

I think a previous poster hit the nail and the head as to why I don't like destination weddings. It is one thing to schedule around every second cousin, but it is a whole other set of circumstances when you are talking about your parents and siblings that are expected to attend. There was a first cousin at my BIL's beach wedding. She thought it was great. She got to go on vacation and see our family while there. It was a choice for her. No one else in her family chose to come and that was their choice and no one was offended.

It was a totally different situation for us. You can say we had a choice, but we did not.

 

[luvmy3]

The fact that the bride and groom told her mother and stepfather about a destination wedding only 3 months in advance does seem selfish to me just because it could cause a financial hardship for the bride's family.

I would be very disappointed in my dd if she pulled something like this. I would hope my dd would want to make certain that her parents could attend without having to go into debt, KWIM?



From what I understand, the OP is not talking about planning their wedding around "everyone in their families." We're talking about the parents of the bride.

I'm not saying the bride and groom should plan their wedding around their second cousin's schedule. But, to me, it is important to take your own parents into consideration.

I'd be really hurt if my dd said, "Eh, well, if you can't make it, you can't make it."

I'm not talking about those kinds of families members, I am talking about those people who would be expected to attend, I said it in a previous post that you must have missed.
Anyway, it still doesn't matter, if a bride and groom are planning their wedding they don't need to make anyone else happy, including their own parents. Thats doesn't mean they shouldn't consider them, it just means I don't think they should have to give anything up to make other's happy.
Personally, I want my dd to have the wedding of her dreams and I wouldn't expect her to change her dream for me, I'll do what it takes to be there for her day.

 

[disykat]

The reality is MOST weddings are destination weddings for someone. I'm sure there were people who thought I was selfish for having my wedding in our own church in our own town.

Much of both of dh's and my family was from the same area, two states away. For them, it would have been much more convenient if we'd flown down and married there. I had a lot of people suggest it would be more convenient for them if I come "home" and got married in my parents church - a place that hadn't been my home for over 10 years. (My poor mother would have gotten stuck planning that wedding I guess?!)

My brother's wedding was only a few miles from his home, but since he lives in Hawaii I "had" to fly there. My sister lives in another state, if she marries I'll be going there. I suppose it would be more convenient if she were to come HERE, but that doesn't seem right of me to expect that.

I think many people are missing the point that destination weddings are a way to "elope" and take the stress out of a big wedding. While there's no secrecy and people can come, it doesn't change the fact that the bride and groom are choosing to marry away from friends and family. Their choice. The guests choice as to whether to attend.

 

[Pakey]

I think the bride and groom should get married wherever and whenever they want.

 

[ms.yt]

I think we probably have very different perceptions of what a wedding should be which is why we disagree. My husband and I are the coordinators of the marriage prep program at our Church. I was very supportive of their wedding. They chose not to have a religious ceremony but my husband and I offered to do the preparation program with them and they agreed. We spent time helping this couple prepare for their marriage, which is what it is all about. Maybe it is because I am older (gasp, 35) and I know that the "perfection" of your wedding day is nothing compared to a successful married life. You may not know why people get bent out of shape over weddings and I don't know why people get bent out of shape over a one day party as opposed to a lifetime committment.

I am not sayiing you will not/do not have a successful marriage. I just think our society as a whole is wrapped up into the perfect wedding and the destination wedding is a huge play into that.

My daughter is only 13 and we have talks about weddings and the ridiculous amounts of money people spend on them. I try to be a good role model for her concerning my marriage but also being a good steward of our finances.

You quoted me, so I'm assuming you were directing your comments about marriage toward me. I don't give a flip about a big wedding day, and I don't know why you thought that's what I was implying. I was saying that you said your family supports each other, yet you're complaining about another family member's decision to have a destination wedding. That just doesn't sound very supportive to me. It sounds more like you support each other as long as everybody's included. Two different things.

I think it's pretty ridiculous to spend a huge amount of money on a wedding. I agree with your statement that it's one day and the focus should be on a lifetime commitment. That's why I said I don't know why people get bent out of shape, bridge, groom, family members, everybody. I don't understand why people want to have big wedding or destination weddings where they want others to attend. I also don't understand why family members or friends get so upset over wedding issues. It's all just one day out of (hopefully) a lifetime together.

As far as my marriage, we're doing great, and we got married in the living room of one of my colleagues who is also a pastor. The only people who were there were his wife and daughter. It was perfect for us, but I know others have different ideas. We just wanted to start our life together. We didn't care about the venue.

For my first marriage, we got married at a bed and breakfast with about 15 family and friends present. I guess it was a mini destination wedding, as it was about a 6 hour drive for most of our guests. At 24 years old, it was something I thought was important and it was beautiful. However, the marriage, not so great.

That's my opinion, and for the record, I used the wisdom of my advanced age (37) to form my views on the subject.

 

[NMAmy]

Anyway, it still doesn't matter, if a bride and groom are planning their wedding they don't need to make anyone else happy, including their own parents. Thats doesn't mean they shouldn't consider them, it just means I don't think they should have to give anything up to make other's happy.

That's pretty much the definition of the word selfish--concerned only for oneself without regard for others. Normally, I'd agree that a bride and groom can have the wedding they want (and can afford) as long as they are aware that others may not be able to participate. But when it comes to ignoring one's own parents for their particular dream wedding, then that seems selfish to me and I'd be ashamed that I'd raised a child that acted that way.

Personally, I want my dd to have the wedding of her dreams and I wouldn't expect her to change her dream for me, I'll do what it takes to be there for her day.

I want my dd to have the wedding of her dreams, too. However, unless she's planning on marrying someone very wealthy who'll be paying for the wedding, she's going to have to make compromises, as most people do.

 

[TwinsinCA]

My sister had a destination wedding, and had a reception here in NJ, and in Chicago, because she knew a lot of people, including family, were not going to be able to make it to the wedding. It was not a gift grab - they're VERY well off, and the wedding gifts they received certainly wouldn't make or break them. They wanted to celebrate with those they loved, but wanted a destination wedding also.

And I am of the opinion that you have to choose. People who do both are rude and tacky.

If they really wanted to celebrate with all those people they would have held the wedding in a location where others could attend. Why the need to be the center of attention twice? All I hear is "they want, they want". The people who attend the reception apparently aren't "good enough" that the bride and groom care if they attend the wedding. But they sure are good enough to give presents! Did the invite say 'no gifts'? If not, I don't care how well off they are, it was about the presents.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I feel that the day belongs to the bride and groom and they should have the wedding that they want. If the bride and groom always wanted a beach wedding, why would they change plans to please other people? It's their day, isn't it?

DH and I planned our wedding the way we wanted it. We paid for it on our own and the day was perfect in our eyes. We wanted a small (75 people) wedding with no children allowed. Some family members were not pleased that they couldn't invite their neighbors or friends to our wedding, or they were not allowed to bring children. I'm sure they called us selfish. But in the end, we had the wedding that we wanted and we were very happy (and still are, I might add).

 

[mjkacmom]

And I am of the opinion that you have to choose. People who do both are rude and tacky.

If they really wanted to celebrate with all those people they would have held the wedding in a location where others could attend. Why the need to be the center of attention twice? All I hear is "they want, they want". The people who attend the reception apparently aren't "good enough" that the bride and groom care if they attend the wedding. But they sure are good enough to give presents! Did the invite say 'no gifts'? If not, I don't care how well off they are, it was about the presents.

Wow, you have gift issues! I assure you, it wasn't about the gifts. My sister is a very generous person (is acutally flying the 7 of us out to her home this summer, because we can't afford it), wanted a destination wedding, and planned the date so that all of her close family and friends could attend. She grew up in NJ - all of her HS friends and family live here. She then moved to Chicago 15 years ago, so all of her "new" friends live there, plus her DH's entire family. So, she found a way to celebrate with those in NJ and IL who couldn't travel (like her grandmother here in NJ, who would not have been able to travel to Chicago).

You must put a lot of value on gifts, thinking that someone would go through all of that effort, and money, just to get them.

 

[scrapquilter]

Coming into the discussion late & have not read other responses yet, but

No this bride is not being selfish. It is up to the bride and groom to decide when and where their wedding takes place. They are not under any obligation to consider every one else's schedule (they'd never be able to schedule a date where someone didn't have a conflict). If they want to have their wedding on Christmas morning in Tahiti and it is inconvenient for everyone else, that is their choice.

However, if the bride and groom choose to have their wedding at a time/place that eliminates the possibility of attending for lots of their potential guests, then they shouldn't complain about low attendance.

Let's face it, not everyone lives near where their family does and not everyone marries someone else whose family also lives locally, so usually someone has to travel far. Up to the guest to make the sacrifice or not. Bride and grooms responsiblity not to ***** about people choosing not to attend an out of town or inconveniently scheduled wedding.

 

[scrapquilter]

See, her siblings and parents will definitely come...


I feel her selfishness is that her younger brother-starting 8th grade(he is a stellar scholar and never misses school) and 3 nieces/nephews will miss school in the first weeks to attend this.

Their school starts Aug 10(very early this year)-and the fact her mom used up her vacation already.

It's the brides fault that Mom used her vacation time already?????

I would think that if my daughter were getting married, I'd save my vacation time for the wedding, or arrange unpaid time off if the wedding was last minute and I hadn't planned for it.

And why is the BRIDE selfish but not the groom?

 

[klj27]

You quoted me, so I'm assuming you were directing your comments about marriage toward me. I don't give a flip about a big wedding day, and I don't know why you thought that's what I was implying. I was saying that you said your family supports each other, yet you're complaining about another family member's decision to have a destination wedding. That just doesn't sound very supportive to me. It sounds more like you support each other as long as everybody's included. Two different things.

I think it's pretty ridiculous to spend a huge amount of money on a wedding. I agree with your statement that it's one day and the focus should be on a lifetime commitment. That's why I said I don't know why people get bent out of shape, bridge, groom, family members, everybody. I don't understand why people want to have big wedding or destination weddings where they want others to attend. I also don't understand why family members or friends get so upset over wedding issues. It's all just one day out of (hopefully) a lifetime together.

As far as my marriage, we're doing great, and we got married in the living room of one of my colleagues who is also a pastor. The only people who were there were his wife and daughter. It was perfect for us, but I know others have different ideas. We just wanted to start our life together. We didn't care about the venue.

For my first marriage, we got married at a bed and breakfast with about 15 family and friends present. I guess it was a mini destination wedding, as it was about a 6 hour drive for most of our guests. At 24 years old, it was something I thought was important and it was beautiful. However, the marriage, not so great.

That's my opinion, and for the record, I used the wisdom of my advanced age (37) to form my views on the subject.

Maybe I agree with you a lot more than I thought. The one thing I keep coming back to is that we are selfish for not supporting them by not letting them have their dream wedding. When I base all of my destination wedding opinions I am basing it on this one situation because it really hits home with me. We were never asked to attend their wedding that was 1000 miles away. We were told when it was and to be there. The bride and groom knew that this was a financial hardship for us and it didn't matter. It was about the "dream". My inlaws did so much to support this wedding even though it was difficult on many levels. I told my in laws while we were there that some day when the bride and groom grew up and had their own family they would understand the huge difficulties they placed on a lot of people to have their dream and they would apologize. It helped a lot of us get through that weekend.

I wouldn't care if my friend, distant relative. etc wanted a destination wedding for them and their family. It was different when we were directly involved.

 

[luvmy3]

That's pretty much the definition of the word selfish--concerned only for oneself without regard for others. Normally, I'd agree that a bride and groom can have the wedding they want (and can afford) as long as they are aware that others may not be able to participate. But when it comes to ignoring one's own parents for their particular dream wedding, then that seems selfish to me and I'd be ashamed that I'd raised a child that acted that way.



I want my dd to have the wedding of her dreams, too. However, unless she's planning on marrying someone very wealthy who'll be paying for the wedding, she's going to have to make compromises, as most people do.

In the context of this thread the definition of selfish takes a very negative tone. While yes thinking of yourself is selfish by definition when it comes to planning your own wedding it certainly isn't in a the same way this thread is trying to make it be.
On the other hand, family members including parents, that expect a couple plan their wedding so its more convenient for said family members are being extremely selfish in that negative way.

Yes you are right its very normal for bride and groom to make compromises for themselves, their budget, guest list, menu items, dj vs. band. It doesn't mean they have to compromise what they truly want for anyone else's reasons. I wonder why you expect the bride and groom should have to give up their wants on one of the most important days of their lives, but its okay for the guests to expect them to give up things, like a destination wedding for their selfish reasons? I guess they should look at this way, they are lucky they were even invited to share in that couple's day and not b@tch and moan how it isn't convenient for them to attend. I know when I got married I kept a ton of people of my guest list out of obligation to invite more of my huge extended family. I would have been more than happy if they had a problem attending my wedding, so I could have just invited the people I truly wanted their in the first place, the ones who wouldn't have cared that I dare be *selfish* on my own wedding day.
As far as my dd's wedding I plan on giving her what I can budget wise and she can work with that, but that doesn't mean I am going to assume I have any right to tell her where she can have her own wedding. If I expected her to compromise her day for me, even if I am helping her pay for it I woudln't be surprised if I was left off the guest list completely. I wouldn't invite myself either