Is it Tacky for Someone to Have a Bridal Shower with No Wedding?

[maxiesmom]

To answer some of the questions asked; I'm not sure how far in advance to the party they'll be getting married. I'm also not sure exactly what "big party" entails, I was just told there was going to be a party. No way to tell for certain if I'm invited yet as I haven't received an invitation yet. They're not having a destination wedding as far as I know, they're just going to the courthouse or justice of the peace or something.

So they are having a wedding. So why do you not think they are entitled to a shower? So you have a very small box of what you consider a "real" wedding?

 

[gotomu212]

I think that really depends, the OP hasn't said if she was invited to the "big party". If she wasn't but was invited to the shower then IMO that is a gift grab and tacky.
However, if she was invited to the big party then she should look at it like she was invited to "the wedding" even if she isn't going to the actual ceremony. In that case being invited to the shower is appropriate.

We’ll just disagree. I’ve always found the idea that without a wedding invite you shouldn’t be invited to the shower ridiculous too. I have no problem getting a shower invite even if the couple is having a small or destination wedding. If I care about the couple I’m hapoy to give a gift and get a piece of cake without further commitment for a wedding invite. Again no one is forcing you to accept the invite.

 

[Kimberle]

I know a couple who are planning on getting married but aren't having a traditional wedding, just a large party to celebrate. A shower is still being planned. I'm triying to decide if I should decline the shower invite as it looks a little gift grabby to me. I'm wondering how this comes across to others?

If they are getting married, they are having a wedding. If you don't want to go to the shower, then don't go. I don't think it is "gift grabby". I don't know what is traditional in your neck of the woods, but here, if people get married, a shower is generally given.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

They're not having a destination wedding as far as I know, they're just going to the courthouse or justice of the peace or something.

Ohhhh ok I get it..to you because they are at the court house to get married they just simply don't deserve anything beyond that. That clears up your viewpoint on it.

 

[Hrhpd]

I know a couple who are planning on getting married but aren't having a traditional wedding, just a large party to celebrate. A shower is still being planned. I'm triying to decide if I should decline the shower invite as it looks a little gift grabby to me. I'm wondering how this comes across to others?

Yes you absolutely should decline the shower invite. Since you disapprove, please do not let the bride and groom spend money on you for your refreshments at either the shower or the reception. Just make sure that if you decline the shower you also decline the reception invite since it is not a scheduling problem to not attend the shower but a judgement issue to not attend.

 

[sk!mom]

I know a couple who are planning on getting married but aren't having a traditional wedding, just a large party to celebrate. A shower is still being planned. I'm triying to decide if I should decline the shower invite as it looks a little gift grabby to me. I'm wondering how this comes across to others?

Every shower is gift grabby. Gifts is the one and only purpose of a shower.

If the couple is getting married, then the type of wedding is irrelevant to whether
or not someone should throw them a shower.

Your post sounds a bit like you don’t have best wishes for them so maybe better to skip it.

 

[mjkacmom]

We’ll just disagree. I’ve always found the idea that without a wedding invite you shouldn’t be invited to the shower ridiculous too. I have no problem getting a shower invite even if the couple is having a small or destination wedding. If I care about the couple I’m hapoy to give a gift and get a piece of cake without further commitment for a wedding invite. Again no one is forcing you to accept the invite.

You can disagree, but any google search will pull up information that it is considered very poor form to invite to a shower and not the wedding, with a few exceptions like a work shower.

 

[maxiesmom]

You can disagree, but any google search will pull up information that it is considered very poor form to invite to a shower and not the wedding, with a few exceptions like a work shower.

Times are changing. Big weddings are not the thing they used to be. Which is cited as the reason David's bridal is going out of business.

I find it far more tacky to look for excuses to get out of giving a shower gift.

 

[emmybee]

You know what I always thought was weird? Some people have mentioned in other posts that they think it's bad form for a bride's family to host a bridal shower. I really didn't understand it, but whatever. I was watching Father of the Bride, the old one w/ Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor. Well, well, well...bridal shower hosted by ET's mom!

OP, I don't get your gripe. If you can't be happy for someone else, then stay home.

 

[neverlandsky]

Well Sex and the City had a courthouse wedding.

 

[mjkacmom]

Times are changing. Big weddings are not the thing they used to be. Which is cited as the reason David's bridal is going out of business.

I find it far more tacky to look for excuses to get out of giving a shower gift.

Well, formal weddings have always been a thing here, David’s bridal has always been a discount store. It is a total gift grab to invite someone to the shower, and not the wedding (or in this case the reception, which costs the couple money). A shower invite always coincides with a wedding invite. Actually, those closest to the bride are invited to the shower, it’s fine to invite to the wedding without a shower invite.

 

[Imzadi]

No way to tell for certain if I'm invited yet as I haven't received an invitation yet. They're not having a destination wedding as far as I know, they're just going to the courthouse or justice of the peace or something.

Is it the fact that you haven't received an invite yet and that you don't think you will be invited to the actual marriage ceremony because it's going to be so small & private, that you feel it's "gift grabby"?

 

[Imzadi]

Well Sex and the City had a courthouse wedding.

And an even better reception dinner afterward as everyone was there.

 

[Hikergirl]

Times are changing. Big weddings are not the thing they used to be. Which is cited as the reason David's bridal is going out of business.

I find it far more tacky to look for excuses to get out of giving a shower gift.

Maybe times aren't changing but people are becoming more and more entitled in their thinking.
It is seen as poor etiquette to invite someone to a shower and then not invite them to a wedding. You may disagree with that but that doesn't make poor etiquette suddenly become acceptable.

 

[Imzadi]

Well, formal weddings have always been a thing here, David’s bridal has always been a discount store. It is a total gift grab to invite someone to the shower, and not the wedding (or in this case the reception, which costs the couple money). A shower invite always coincides with a wedding invite. Actually, those closest to the bride are invited to the shower, it’s fine to invite to the wedding without a shower invite.

Yes, you and I are in the same region where we have big, formal wedding receptions. It's in bad form here to invite someone to the shower, but not the wedding.

The exception would be something like co-workers hosting a shower for a fellow co-worker, at work. If the bride's not really close to the co-workers outside of work, then they shouldn't expect to be invited to the wedding & reception. Just because they made the decision to host a bridal shower, their expectation shouldn't suddenly be that the bride now has to invite them as reciprocity.

 

[Hikergirl]

We’ll just disagree. I’ve always found the idea that without a wedding invite you shouldn’t be invited to the shower ridiculous too. I have no problem getting a shower invite even if the couple is having a small or destination wedding. If I care about the couple I’m hapoy to give a gift and get a piece of cake without further commitment for a wedding invite. Again no one is forcing you to accept the invite.

You aren't disagreeing with me, you are disagreeing with etiquette.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Well, formal weddings have always been a thing here, David’s bridal has always been a discount store. It is a total gift grab to invite someone to the shower, and not the wedding (or in this case the reception, which costs the couple money). A shower invite always coincides with a wedding invite. Actually, those closest to the bride are invited to the shower, it’s fine to invite to the wedding without a shower invite.

I think you forgot to add a second here. As in:

A shower invite always coincides with a wedding invite here.

It's not that way everywhere. How many wedding & shower threads does the DIS need, before people accept that different places have different customs? Whether we like it or not, our way isn't always the only way to do things. One way is no more right than the other. We all tend to do what is customary in our area.

 

[Imzadi]

Maybe times aren't changing but people are becoming more and more entitled in their thinking.
It is seen as poor etiquette to invite someone to a shower and then not invite them to a wedding. You may disagree with that but that doesn't make poor etiquette suddenly become acceptable.

Yep. Also from the same region. We get bashed a lot on the DIS for the "cover your plate" etiquette concept of being thoughtful for what the bride & groom are spending on a guest. This is it in reverse. Here, one shouldn't invite someone to the shower, without being mindful that they are spending money on you, and then not to the festivities afterward. They are both part of the support & celebration for the bride & groom.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think you forgot to add a second here. As in:

A shower invite always coincides with a wedding invite here.

It's not that way everywhere. How many wedding & shower threads does the DIS need, before people accept that different places have different customs? Whether we like it or not, our way isn't always the only way to do things. One way is no more right than the other. We all tend to do what is customary in our area.

No, some things are regional, some are universal. Inviting someone to the shower and not the wedding would be equal to receiving a gift and not sending a thank you note. Universal. Seriously, google from wherever you live, the answer is the same.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

No, some things are regional, some are universal. Inviting someone to the shower and not the wedding would be equal to receiving a gift and not sending a thank you note. Universal. Seriously, google from wherever you live, the answer is the same.

So, I'm supposed to believe Google over my personal experience?

FWIW, I give gifts all the time without getting a thank you note. IMO, if I'm thanked in person, over the phone, by text or email, sending a card is a waste of money. I'd rather the recipient use the money to buy something useful for them.