Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[NFLDERS]

I guess that's one way to avoid meeting a whole new set of inlaws!

And/or outlaws! Not that I'm one of course.

 

[NFLDERS]

No one said everyone should live by this "rule". If I was a female engineer, maybe I would rethink it. And its not just one sided either. So to act as though its something that is holding back women is incorrect.

Wait! I need to get my rose coloured glasses, and re-read this!?

 

[pryncess527]

Again, the original poster on the not going to lunch with the opposite sex said ALONE. She didn't say at all. For us, it would be ALONE. So if 4 teachers went to lunch and one was male, they wouldn't be alone.

yes, but mentoring/relationship activates like this aren't always in a group. and, I wasn't trying to argue your larger point, you just criticized the poster for making it one sided (you specifically said "to act as though its something that is holding back women is incorrect"), and I tried to point out that they were actually very inclusive in providing examples of how this could negatively impact BOTH genders, not just women. They were NOT trying to act like it was only something holding women back. It holds us ALL back

 

[DopeyDame]

No one said everyone should live by this "rule". If I was a female engineer, maybe I would rethink it. And its not just one sided either. So to act as though its something that is holding back women is incorrect.

I specifically mentioned male teachers as an example too, so no - it's not something that is JUST holding back women. It's something holding back people who are not in the primary gender in their field.
Maybe you and your spouse are both in fields that are completely 50/50 and have achieved total gender parity. Assuming that's not the case, though, it DOES effect people you work with. To say that you might care if you were a female engineer seems like a pretty harsh attitude to have towards your current colleagues and coworkers.

 

[NFLDERS]

I specifically mentioned male teachers as an example too, so no - it's not something that is JUST holding back women. It's something holding back people who are not in the primary gender in their field.
Maybe you and your spouse are both in fields that are completely 50/50 and have achieved total gender parity. Assuming that's not the case, though, it DOES effect people you work with. To say that you might care if you were a female engineer seems like a pretty harsh attitude to have towards your current colleagues and coworkers.

OK, now I have to take off my rose coloured glasses, put on my regular ones, and appreciate your reply. Geesh though, gotta tell you guys this resurrected thread is exhausting this old gal!

 

[Magpie]

Wow, this zombie thread has been very eye opening. And I'm feeling quite grateful that I don't appear to inhabit the same world as some posters.

When I was in university, I lived off campus. Twice, my roommates were male. Not a problem. My husband also lived off campus, at his university, and shared his housing with women on multiple occasions.

My husband and I have been married for over two decades now. Last Friday, I made a date with long time male friend to go dress shopping. Why? Because he's amenable, because shopping bores my husband to tears, and because my daughter isn't much keener either. We've been friends since I was 19, well before I met my husband. My husband and I meet him (and another friend) for lunch once a week, every week. I have no worries at this point that either of us will accidentally "slip", even if he IS very dear to me.

My husband has mentored women, and been mentored by them, in his workplace. His bosses have been almost as likely to be female, as they are to be male. He frequently goes to lunch with coworkers, alone, in groups, male or female.

My husband recently asked me if I'd like to go to Europe for a week. He has meetings to attend, and one of his (female) colleagues is bringing her husband. The two of them were thinking that if I came, then her husband and I could spend a couple days visiting museums and seeing the sights, while our spouses are in meetings.

Tomorrow, my husband is travelling out of town with a female colleague to attend a work related meeting in another province. They're car pooling, just the two of them.

This is SO not an issue, for anyone.

And I'm awfully glad for that. I can't imagine how complicated life would be, if we had to view every extra marital male/female interaction with caution.

 

[bdcp]

This is almost funny. A thread where people are attacked for defending their morality, which is a personal choice. Alone and often are the key issues. The issue really is that if you get into the habit of spending a lot of time with someone alone, then it's very possible to get too close, personally and have it impact your primary relationship. Emotional affairs are more dangerous than physical ones. Emotional affairs can and have developed out of "friendships" that got too emotionally intimate. Don't ever think it can't happen to anyone. No one is 100% immune. It's knowing where to draw the line. It can be all about appearances so everyone needs to remember that. I've seen workplace relationships form and destroy marriages all because the couple involved worked too closely together too often. BTW, you can mentor someone without going out with them. Mentoring is done in the workplace all the time and doesn't require being alone. I think people are getting confused about what this thread was really about.

 

[NFLDERS]

This is almost funny. A thread where people are attacked for defending their morality, which is a personal choice. Alone and often are the key issues. The issue really is that if you get into the habit of spending a lot of time with someone alone, then it's very possible to get too close, personally and have it impact your primary relationship. Emotional affairs are more dangerous than physical ones. Emotional affairs can and have developed out of "friendships" that got too emotionally intimate. Don't ever think it can't happen to anyone. No one is 100% immune. It's knowing where to draw the line. It can be all about appearances so everyone needs to remember that. I've seen workplace relationships form and destroy marriages all because the couple involved worked too closely together too often. BTW, you can mentor someone without going out with them. Mentoring is done in the workplace all the time and doesn't require being alone. I think people are getting confused about what this thread was really about.

Ok, I did faint "if one gets into the habit of spending a lot of time alone with another, it's very possible to get too close!" from 2nd & 3rd line of above reply.

 

[pryncess527]

This is almost funny. A thread where people are attacked for defending their morality, which is a personal choice. Alone and often are the key issues. The issue really is that if you get into the habit of spending a lot of time with someone alone, then it's very possible to get too close, personally and have it impact your primary relationship. Emotional affairs are more dangerous than physical ones. Emotional affairs can and have developed out of "friendships" that got too emotionally intimate. Don't ever think it can't happen to anyone. No one is 100% immune. It's knowing where to draw the line. It can be all about appearances so everyone needs to remember that. I've seen workplace relationships form and destroy marriages all because the couple involved worked too closely together too often. BTW, you can mentor someone without going out with them. Mentoring is done in the workplace all the time and doesn't require being alone. I think people are getting confused about what this thread was really about.

That I can come closer to agreeing with. But there seem to be many people who aren't just concerned about "often" but rather "at all"
I agree that if my H got into the habit of spending a lot of time with someone alone and there were other signs of a distance between us and a concern that he was growing too close, personally, to another woman that would be an issue of concern. But I also think that weekly lunches with a co-worker,is a far cry from that situation, in my household. it's not that I think we are immune, it's that I don't think not being alone with the other gender is the solution.

FWIW, I think most people have been very respectful. i'm sorry that explaining your belief system makes you feel attacked.

And yes, you can mentor a person at work. But historically, mentor/mentee relationships among people of the same sex have included out of office activities -- discussing a physics problem over coffee is a very common part of my husband's life. I think many of us were trying to say that it would be a shame if an individual (of either sex) treated some co-workers differently, and excluded them from those types of one-on-one interactions that can often be critical for job growth, just because of gender.

My old boss was a male, and he often took me to lunch. His guidance and advice was instrumental to my career growth. I thought of him more as a father figure than anything else, and would have been shocked if anyone thought our lunches were inappropriate.

 

[Magpie]

This is almost funny. A thread where people are attacked for defending their morality, which is a personal choice. Alone and often are the key issues. The issue really is that if you get into the habit of spending a lot of time with someone alone, then it's very possible to get too close, personally and have it impact your primary relationship. Emotional affairs are more dangerous than physical ones. Emotional affairs can and have developed out of "friendships" that got too emotionally intimate. Don't ever think it can't happen to anyone. No one is 100% immune. It's knowing where to draw the line. It can be all about appearances so everyone needs to remember that. I've seen workplace relationships form and destroy marriages all because the couple involved worked too closely together too often. BTW, you can mentor someone without going out with them. Mentoring is done in the workplace all the time and doesn't require being alone. I think people are getting confused about what this thread was really about.

What if your best friend happens to be of the opposite gender?

What if you best friend is the same gender, but gay?

What if you're living with one guy (as a roommate), but dating another? My roommate and I were really good friends! We had movie nights and I helped him bathe his ferrets and we spend a lot of time chatting over meals. We did our grocery shopping together. We had a lot of fun! And fortunately, my fiance wasn't the slightest bit worried that I would get too "emotionally intimate" with my roommate. He considered him a good friend, as well.

My best (female) friend and I spend a great deal of time alone together. She's gay. I'm seriously NOT worried about cheating on my husband with her, either physically or emotionally. So what if she's attracted to women? I'm happily married.

My husband is close friends with a woman he's known for years. They began as colleagues, and stayed in touch as their careers took them in opposite directions. They eat lunch together regularly and catch up on each others' lives. I've heard about her breakups and successes in love, etc. I've met her a few times at work events, where my husband is always thrilled to introduce us. And she usually says, "I've heard so much about you!"

I guess it comes down to... do you believe men and women can be friends, without jeopardizing their marital relationships? I do, because this is my reality.

So, I'd be sorry to find myself deliberately choosing not to get too friendly with half of the human race because I couldn't trust myself to keep my hands off of them. But... I can see where this might feel necessary if I wasn't happy in my marriage.

I suppose I feel that people cheat not because of physical proximity, but because they're not getting something they need from their partner, whether that's something physical or something emotional. If you find yourself "tempted", it's not so much a sign that you need to remove the temptation (ie, avoid being friends with the opposite gender), it's a sign you need to work on your marriage and figure out what needs fixing about it.

 

[Hikergirl]

How am I controlling the situation my husband is in if HE makes a choice not to go to lunch with a female alone. He makes the choice, not me. I never told him to make that choice, he never told me I had to make that choice. You aren't controlling someone if they are doing what the choose to do.

How you respect your relationship is on you. How others respect their relationship is on them.

"They don't think either will cheat but they strongly believe that neither should put themselves in a situation to be tempted or even suspected by others who may start rumors. They have one of the strongest marriages I have ever seen. But its a mutual agreement (although I don't think they have ever actually talked about it, its just how they choose)."

When I posted, I swore that I quoted your post, but looking at my post its not there

I may have taken the bolded wrong, I read it as they don't think the other should put themself in a situation to be tempted. As in , the dh doesn't think the dw should, and the dw doesn't think the dh should.
That seems like controlling the other's behavior because you don't trust them. However I can see when re-reading what you meant.

 

[greentea]

What if you best friend is the same gender, but gay?

My best (female) friend and I spend a great deal of time alone together. She's gay. I'm seriously NOT worried about cheating on my husband with her, either physically or emotionally. So what if she's attracted to women? I'm happily married.

This is always my first thought as well! The spouse and I are both bi, so if neither of us could be alone with/eat lunch with someone who could potentially be a partner... I'd be eating work lunches alone for the rest of my life, haha. And re: the topic of this zombie thread, I don't give a second thought to which coworkers he goes out to lunch with.

 

[luvsJack]

"They don't think either will cheat but they strongly believe that neither should put themselves in a situation to be tempted or even suspected by others who may start rumors. They have one of the strongest marriages I have ever seen. But its a mutual agreement (although I don't think they have ever actually talked about it, its just how they choose)."

When I posted, I swore that I quoted your post, but looking at my post its not there

I may have taken the bolded wrong, I read it as they don't think the other should put themself in a situation to be tempted. As in , the dh doesn't think the dw should, and the dw doesn't think the dh should.
That seems like controlling the other's behavior because you don't trust them. However I can see when re-reading what you meant.

Exactly. Thank you. They each hold themselves to that.

 

[amberpi]

And yes, you can mentor a person at work. But historically, mentor/mentee relationships among people of the same sex have included out of office activities -- discussing a physics problem over coffee is a very common part of my husband's life. I think many of us were trying to say that it would be a shame if an individual (of either sex) treated some co-workers differently, and excluded them from those types of one-on-one interactions that can often be critical for job growth, just because of gender.

I would be asked to go "off property" by bosses and do the same to employees all the time - typically very off the cuff, when email was getting frustrated and discussion needed to happen in a non-disruptive environment - and don't get me started on open office concepts, so glad that isn't possible in my industry. Just because office doors are closed doesn't mean email isn't going off, calls are rolling in and people aren't popping their heads in. If you're working through a problem, a strategy, or its one of those generally chaotic days, getting out of the office can be exceptional productive. I'd be shocked if someone wasn't up for that as its just such a normal thing. If an employee had said they were uncomfortable going to grab a Starbucks down the street with me, honestly, I'd wonder if I had done something wrong as a boss.

 

[DopeyDame]

This is almost funny. A thread where people are attacked for defending their morality, which is a personal choice. Alone and often are the key issues. The issue really is that if you get into the habit of spending a lot of time with someone alone, then it's very possible to get too close, personally and have it impact your primary relationship. Emotional affairs are more dangerous than physical ones. Emotional affairs can and have developed out of "friendships" that got too emotionally intimate. Don't ever think it can't happen to anyone. No one is 100% immune. It's knowing where to draw the line. It can be all about appearances so everyone needs to remember that. I've seen workplace relationships form and destroy marriages all because the couple involved worked too closely together too often. BTW, you can mentor someone without going out with them. Mentoring is done in the workplace all the time and doesn't require being alone. I think people are getting confused about what this thread was really about.

I totally agree that "alone and often are the key issues" Perhaps I misunderstood what some posters were saying. My understanding is that they wouldn't have a meal/coffee with a member of the opposite sex EVER, even just once. That's pretty shocking to me and I can absolutely see very negative implications for those people's coworkers.

Someone drawing a line when a relationship gets to frequent or too intense is totally different and totally understandable. But that's *NOT* what this thread is about. This thread isn't about discussing when relationships between two people may be getting into emotional affairs or a dangerous territory. It's about some people saying that they would never be OK with their spouse having a meal alone with another person, even if it's casual, and even if it's only once or twice.

 

[luvsJack]

I specifically mentioned male teachers as an example too, so no - it's not something that is JUST holding back women. It's something holding back people who are not in the primary gender in their field.
Maybe you and your spouse are both in fields that are completely 50/50 and have achieved total gender parity. Assuming that's not the case, though, it DOES effect people you work with. To say that you might care if you were a female engineer seems like a pretty harsh attitude to have towards your current colleagues and coworkers.

I work with almost all females and dh drives a truck. Its really a non issue for us. DS works offshore. DIL works in a dentist office with one male dentist and the rest of the employees are female.

 

[NFLDERS]

What if your best friend happens to be of the opposite gender?

What if you best friend is the same gender, but gay?

What if you're living with one guy (as a roommate), but dating another? My roommate and I were really good friends! We had movie nights and I helped him bathe his ferrets and we spend a lot of time chatting over meals. We did our grocery shopping together. We had a lot of fun! And fortunately, my fiance wasn't the slightest bit worried that I would get too "emotionally intimate" with my roommate. He considered him a good friend, as well.

My best (female) friend and I spend a great deal of time alone together. She's gay. I'm seriously NOT worried about cheating on my husband with her, either physically or emotionally. So what if she's attracted to women? I'm happily married.

My husband is close friends with a woman he's known for years. They began as colleagues, and stayed in touch as their careers took them in opposite directions. They eat lunch together regularly and catch up on each others' lives. I've heard about her breakups and successes in love, etc. I've met her a few times at work events

I guess it comes down to... do you believe men and women can be friends, without jeopardizing their marital relationships? I do, because this is my reality.

So, I'd be sorry to find myself deliberately choosing not to get too friendly with half of the human race because I couldn't trust myself to keep my hands off of them. But... I can see where this might feel necessary if I wasn't happy in my marriage.

I suppose I feel that people cheat not because of physical proximity, but because they're not getting something they need from their partner, whether that's something physical or something emotional. If you find yourself "tempted", it's not so much a sign that you need to remove the temptation (ie, avoid being friends with the opposite gender), it's a sign you need to work on your marriage and figure out what needs fixing about it.

^this

 

[Liberty Belle]

It wouldn't bother me at all.

 

[amberpi]

I guess it comes down to... do you believe men and women can be friends, without jeopardizing their marital relationships? I do, because this is my reality.

I think this is the gist of it. Do you think men and women can just be friends. I do and couldn't be with someone who thought differently.

I totally agree that "alone and often are the key issues" Perhaps I misunderstood what some posters were saying. My understanding is that they wouldn't have a meal/coffee with a member of the opposite sex EVER, even just once. That's pretty shocking to me and I can absolutely see very negative implications for those people's coworkers.

I think that's what I'm hung up on.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

The notion of "safeguarding" a relationship is so bizarre to me. A relationship shouldn't be a pot of gold that you need to protect from all of the world's degenerates.

From a Meme on line that I thought addresses this. Keep in mind it is a Meme, not a direct response. But I think it explains why you want to safeguard a marriage.
If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it, you protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. (F. Burton Howard.)

How am I controlling the situation my husband is in if HE makes a choice not to go to lunch with a female alone. He makes the choice, not me. I never told him to make that choice, he never told me I had to make that choice. You aren't controlling someone if they are doing what the choose to do.

How you respect your relationship is on you. How others respect their relationship is on them.

Exactly.

If I decide that I shouldn't go to lunch with a man that isn't my husband, how does that hurt my husband? How does that control him?

If he decides that he shouldn't go to lunch with a woman from work, how does that control me or hurt me?

It sounds, at least for those that have responded here, that each person has made a personal decision to follow this guideline. No one is being forced