I'm failing as a step-father

[IceQueen777]

Wow...I have read some of the OP's other posts, and it seems there is always some big fight going on with his wife. I think both the OP and his wife thrive on the drama of the fights, the threats to leave and/or end the marriage, etc. I have known couples like this. It seems that they don't know how to relate to each other when life is just normal. They go in cycles - huge fight, keep the other one guessing as to whether you are going to leave or not, the silent treatment for a while, then apologies and making up. Then after all of that, it is about time for a new fight.

I agree that counseling is in order.

 

[Planogirl]

I would go just to cool off THIS time. Then I would insist on family counseling and work to put this together. Or take it apart if that ends up being the best solution.

But then it's true that we only have one side of it. Use wise judgment and do what your gut tells you. It's time to be mature.

 

[poohandwendy]

Wow...I have read some of the OP's other posts, and it seems there is always some big fight going on with his wife. I think both the OP and his wife thrive on the drama of the fights, the threats to leave and/or end the marriage, etc. I have known couples like this. It seems that they don't know how to relate to each other when life is just normal. They go in cycles - huge fight, keep the other one guessing as to whether you are going to leave or not, the silent treatment for a while, then apologies and making up. Then after all of that, it is about time for a new fight.

That is the feeling I get too.

When it always is about who is right and who is wrong, it's more about a battle than it is about actually resolving something.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yup, and as Al Bundy once so wisely said, "I seek fun, I go alone."

Yeah, I know, this really got me too...

Al bundy, WISE????


"I seek fun... I go alone.'

Sorry, but these are not the words of a mature man who is interested in holding a family together.

 

[cardaway]

I'm so glad you said this, I was thinking the same exact thing. It seems the OP is looking for a way out and came here for people to tell him he's doing the right thing! Unbelievable

Just like countless other threads. If I see any more comments like this it will be hard to believe the issue is that it's a guy posting about a woman.

 

[Wishing on a star]

cardaway, you are cracking me up!!!

You are right.... a childless young man needing a way out!!!

 

[poohandwendy]

Just like countless other threads. If I see any more comments like this it will be hard to believe the issue is that it's a guy posting about a woman.

I realy don't think it makes any difference whether the OP is a woman or a man...either way, my comments would be the same. And either way. I think posting their private correspondence during a fight is inappropriate.

Then again, I would not do that to my DH nor would I be very happy if he did that to me. Well, we also work out our issues in the privacy of our home...

 

[luvmydogs]

I'm so glad you said this, I was thinking the same exact thing. It seems the OP is looking for a way out and came here for people to tell him he's doing the right thing! Unbelievable

I've often wondered this, too, boomhauer, and I say so respectfully. Have you already made up your mind that you want out and are you just looking for validation? I just keep thinking about the little five yr. old caught up in all of this, who loves both his parents and wants and deserves nothing more than a stable, loving home. Not saying that you should stay in a bad marriage just for his sake (there are always arguments for and against this position), but this boy (as well as you and your wife) deserves some stability in whatever manner it can be achieved.

 

[cardaway]

cardaway, you are cracking me up!!!

It's only fair, this thread is cracking me up.

After seeing countless threads with women only giving one side I wondered what the reaction would be if a guy actually posted something similar.

Now we know.

 

[cardaway]

IThen again, I would not do that to my DH nor would I be very happy if he did that to me. Well, we also work out our issues in the privacy of our home...

Same here. I'm always shocked there are so many threads like this. Many times making me think the other person would be better off without the person who took their problems to the DIS.

My take on this situation is that if the OP is to the point where it's hit the DIS, it's time to move on. It sounds like it would be best for everybody in that family.

 

[Nana Annie]

It's only fair, this thread is cracking me up.

After seeing countless threads with women only giving one side I wondered what the reaction would be if a guy actually posted something similar.

Now we know.

Heck, if a woman came onto this thread, said she verbally abused her step-son, yelled at her husband for the way he was raising the child, posted private e-mails, then was leaving on a trip to WDW by herself, leaving dad and child behind because she was "stressed" and needed fun (can't you have fun with your family?), I would be telling that woman to grow up too

Any mature person having this many problems in his/her marriage wouldn't even consider going to Disney without his/her family.

How about finding an activity to do together so that the stressed out wife and stressed out husband can destress together? It is called "supporting one another." Oh wait, Al Bundy's wise advice was - when there is trouble - cut and run and go have fun by yourself. Forget the rest of the family.

 

[Christine]

Just because somebody tells you you can do something does not mean that is their real feeling. Sometimes they say yes because they love you and your happiness is more important than the slight unhappiness it causes them, just to not cause an arugument or other reasons. One can never know what is really at the root of a person's decision.

Well, then that is another fine example of piss-poor communication.

On the Disney World solo trip thread that boomhauer had, he agreed to stop the trips. She insisted that he keep going and that it was okay. If she didn't really feel that way, then that is her mistake. "I say yes, but I really mean no?" If that isn't manipulative and passive-aggressive than I don't know what is. It's almost like she sets him up to disappoint her so that she can have an opportunity to stomp all over him.

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL, maybe we could have a DIS matchmaking board for those who have no problem hashing out marital issues on the boards...like the dating game or something...(only kidding all...just making light)

 

[Crankyshank]

My comments on the thread had absolutely nothing to do with gender. In fact I said that both sides were being immature and need to grow up.

 

[poohandwendy]

If that is manipulative and passive-aggressive than I don't know what it. It's almost like she sets him up to disappoint her so that she can have an opportunity to stomp all over him.

Then again, we have his side where he seems to just blow up and use being 'stressed' as the excuse. They both need to grow up, IMHO.

 

[shortbun]

I think what really worries me is the fight I had with my wife. I love my step-son just as if he were my own. And just as if he were my own, I get very angry when he doesn't listen to me. And I get very angry when he oushes a 1 year old around. Maybe I'm wrong, but at 5 years old, I think he should know better. My wife disagrees. This is where our problems come in. I admit when I'm wrong, and apologize. She will not. That could just be a man-woman thing, but it is a problem.

I don't think you are failing. I think you are trying very hard and will see the fruits of your labor!!! That said, I think a 5 yo'ds ability to deal with jealousy and listen to a grownup is limited. You are expecting too much from your step son and your wife is over reacting to your differences. imho. Mom should back you up to your step son especially when a baby is endangered but you should never call a small child a "brat" in anger. Name calling is not a grownup tool for dealing with small children. Use time outs, find natural consequences for not listening or obeying(especially in safety times) and move away from yelling and name calling. It is a hard transition but you and your family will benefit! Your wife is lucky you care so much. She is passionately engaged as well. Stop arguing and find common ground. Btw, every parent yells at one time or another but it's something to try to avoid.

 

[cardaway]

Oh wait, Al Bundy's wise advice was - when there is trouble - cut and run and go have fun by yourself. Forget the rest of the family.

Actually I think the Al quote is quite appropriate. Perfect example of a family that should have never stayed together.

 

[cardaway]

BTW - as far as people responding because of gender, I was tlaking to those that were writing that the OP shouldn't have started this thread or needs to stick it out after having said the opposite when the genders were reversed.

 

[goofy4tink]

Well, things aren't sounding so good are they?? Since you are the same age as my eldest dd, and a few years short of my ds, I will tell you what I would tell them.
1. Decide how you would like to see this story end...best case scenario.
2. Go on your trip and give this a ton of thought.
3. When you get home, make a 'date' with the dw to discuss options.
4. Keep that little boy in mind....he is hurting enough. Try to take the path that will hurt him the least.
5. If a 'parting of the ways' is the best path...so be it. Better off alone than with the wrong person.

When you sit with your dw and discuss your options, you will need to be brutally honest. She should be also. Only honesty is going to get these issues resolved. Counseling is a wonderful thing...it will help you decide whether or not the marriage should, or shouldn't, continue.
If you both love each other, as you say you do, then anything is possible. The one thing that I keep seeing is a lot of immaturity and unrealistic ideals.
I take solo trips to WDW...my dh has told me to go, in fact has suggested that I go for longer than 4 days. I believe him when he says to go, have a good time. That is maturity at work. How can you have trust in what someone says if they change what they are saying at every turn?? You can't. I would imagine that your dw has some issues from her first marriage/relationship. It is so hard to get past these issues sometimes that we inadvertantly take 'stuff' out on others, even if we are trying to do better. You need to decide if it is worth the 'hard work' to keep your marriage together.

Do you think that if you canceled this trip to WDW and told your dw that you had canceled it in order to get your marriage back on track it would make any difference? Since I don't know either one of you, I can't say...that's for you to decide.
Should you have posted her email for all to see? Well....maybe not, but I know how it feels to need to vent and to have people be on your side. I sure as *&&^ wouldn't let your dw know that you had posted it...in fact, I think I might go back and delete that part of your post, just to be on the safe side.

I think you both need a bit of growing up. Now, off to decide what it is you want out of life and this marriage...go on with you now....think, boy, think. And no children from this marriage until you get it all worked out!!!!

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

BTW - as far as people responding because of gender, I was tlaking to those that were writing that the OP shouldn't have started this thread or needs to stick it out after having said the opposite when the genders were reversed.

For some reason, you seem to have it in your head that I'm one of those people who would have had different advice had the OP been a woman. There is no hypocrosy on my part. Feel free to search every post I've ever written. You won't find me defending women who betray their families anymore than I'm defending this person. If you find a single post where I defend a woman who is doing what this guy is doing then I will publicly apologize. Frankly, I rarely even open these kinds of threads anyway. This one was deceptive in the title; I thought it was about issues with children - a topic I do have some experience in. I didn't know it was going to be a soap opera about his marriage! I do not care what gender a person is. When you say "I do" you owe that person a little respect and spewing off private issues and the personal quirks and problems of your partner is not showing respect at any level. Like I said, I understand coming to the board with A problem; but not coming to the board to have one *****fest after the other about the person you supposedly love. We all have problems in our relationships but this is a disaster and both parties are clearly responsible; unfortunately, one can't defend her position at all.

I would give anything to be able to marry who I want (yes, I'm a lesbian) so frankly, it really pisses me off when I see people screw it up so badly and then tell ME I can't get married because if I did it would somehow deface the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. Give me a break! If I ever got the right to marry, I would take my marriage vows a hell of a lot more serious than this guy and his wife are! So no, Cardaway, you won't find me defending straight people who make a mess of their marriages regardless of gender. That sort of thing brings about a similar reaction in me that you might see in an infertile couple who watches their neighbors beat their children. It rather sucks.