I'm failing as a step-father

[mickeyfan2]

I also noticed that things were on a sweet, even keel when she was pregnant (and Boomhauer, I'm sorry to bring that up, I know it was very painful for you). But it seems when life is just everyday and mundane she's just plain unhappy.

So she was dating Boomhauer when she was pregnant and he was not the father? Then Boomhauer knew the DSS his whole life? Boomhauer should be more like a real Dad then a Step-Dad at this time. Am I missing something?

 

[Christine]

So she was dating Boomhauer when she was pregnant and he was not the father? Then Boomhauer knew the DSS his whole life? Boomhauer should be more like a real Dad then a Step-Dad at this time. Am I missing something?

No, Boomhauer's wife was pregnant with his own child not too long ago. Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage.

 

[smilie]

Different pregnancy. He is not the 5 year old's biological father, he's the step-father.

 

[luvmydogs]

...I think he *is* trying to deal with this marriage. I realize not everyone has followed his saga and knows the past history. So when you quote his words "hey, what else can you do?" you're not seeing the whole thing. This is a woman who thinks she does no wrong and REFUSES to get help.

I also think she is one of those woman who behaves "properly" when fun, big things are going on. She was probably a real jewel of girl during the whole courtship and wedding.

I think he is dealing with his marriage, too--but the way he (and she) is dealing with this marriage isn't working and is now beyond his scope. He (and she!) needs professional help ASAP.

I know he has posted what she has said and written in the past, but still we only see a minute snippet of what life is like for them 24/7--she doesn't post here, so we don't know her sides to these stories. That is why I said he needs to get off the message boards and seek therapy. Counselors are properly trained to see all three sides of the issue--we, by issue of geography alone, are not.

Does he want his marriage to continue the way it is? Either he does or he doesn't or he truly doesn't know. Message board advice can only go so far. This family is in crisis and they need the help of a professional to find the root problems and offer coping strategies and solutions.

 

[Christine]

I think he is dealing with his marriage, too--but the way he (and she) is dealing with this marriage isn't working and is now beyond his scope. He (and she!) needs professional help ASAP.

I know he has posted what she has said and written in the past, but still we only see a minute snippet of what life is like for them 24/7--she doesn't post here, so we don't know her sides to these stories. That is why I said he needs to get off the message boards and seek therapy. Counselors are properly trained to see all three sides of the issue--we, by issue of geography alone, are not.

Does he want his marriage to continue the way it is? Either he does or he doesn't or he truly doesn't know. Message board advice can only go so far. This family is in crisis and they need the help of a professional to find the root problems and offer coping strategies and solutions.

I agree with you wholeheartedly on this one.

As with all posts on this board, we only get a very biased and one-sided view of the situation. That doesn't mean I'm going to ignore his post. I will answer based on the information given, even if it is faulty. That's all I can do.

Hopefully, though, enough people here will realize that BOTH of them need some marital counseling. My bet is though, she won't go for it.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think there is way more to this than one side and I do not think we have enough information to gauge who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'. I am hearing immaturity from both sides, to be honest. Boom, you seem to be a 'reactor', which is always going to cause problems. You both obviously have issues going on that are beyond anything we can help you with. I honestly think now is not a good time to go on a trip, not while your marriage is falling apart. I do not think it will bring you clarity or make anything better. I think you should stay home and dig into working on the issues you have at home. I am sure you looked forward to it and that it is paid for, but I just think it is a mistake. I sincerely think you both need to get into individual, marital and family counselling.

 

[mickeyfan2]

No, Boomhauer's wife was pregnant with his own child not too long ago. Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage.

OK. I guess I missed that. I know the the 5 year old was his step-son, but I thought the pregnancy was the 5 year old.

 

[ead79]

I’m not a parent, so I don’t have any advice about the situation with the two children.

However, I agree with the other posters that you and your wife really have to work on your communication methods.

I know you mentioned that when your wife gets angry she won’t answer your calls and essentially gives you the cold shoulder. I would interpret that as her needing more time to cool down. I know that when I loose my temper I get over it pretty quickly and want to “fix” my relationship with the person I had a disagreement with immediately. Some people don’t get over things as quickly. Before she is really ready to discuss what happened she may need some more time to deal with her anger. Pushing her to talk things over before she’s ready will only lead to more confrontation.

It’s important to have these types of conversations when neither of you is feeling angry.

I wanted to add that I have now read your wife’s email to you. It seems to me that she feels judged by what she perceives to be criticisms of her parenting of her son. That is understandably making her defensive and she obviously feels very hurt. She made the suggestion of counseling, and I think it’s a good one. However, I think you should both go—not because anyone needs “fixing,” just because it would help with communication. A counselor could help you both understand what the other person is feeling without having the anger involved like the two of you do when you attempt to talk it over. Otherwise I fear these seeds of resentment and defensiveness will continue to grow for both of you. Marriage is a very serious commitment, and I think you should both not be willing to give it up so easily.

 

[Christine]

I honestly think now is not a good time to go on a trip, not while your marriage is falling apart. I do not think it will bring you clarity or make anything better. I think you should stay home and dig into working on the issues you have at home. I am sure you looked forward to it and that it is paid for, but I just think it is a mistake.

poohandwendy, do you think that her making a "stink" at this point (right before his trip) could possibly be a passive-aggressive maneuver on her part? Do you think that if he cancelled his trip, this would be playing right into her manipulations? Do you think she blew up at him maybe because she is already highly irritated that he is going on this trip?

I think that the future trips probably do need to be cancelled. Not so sure about this one.

 

[poohandwendy]

I also want to add that it would be great if you could focus some of the counselling sessions on learning how to live together as a stepfamily...both your end of it and hers. This child deserves parents who can hold it together and resolve issues.He has already faced the breakup of his mother and father. I hope you both can work towards a stable family life for him.

 

[boomhauer]

Boy, do I wish some of you were right and I was making this up or not giving the whole story. Talk about a much easier solution.

 

[poohandwendy]

poohandwendy, do you think that her making a "stink" at this point (right before his trip) could possibly be a passive-aggressive maneuver on her part? Do you think that if he cancelled his trip, this would be playing right into her manipulations? Do you think she blew up at him maybe because she is already highly irritated that he is going on this trip?

I think that the future trips probably do need to be cancelled. Not so sure about this one.

I have no idea, but this is not a battlefield and it's not about who wins or loses. He may believe this is about the trip, and he could be wrong. It may be and she could be wrong. Honestly, even if it is...they really, really need to address these issues. all the more reason NOT to cut and run at this time. All the more reason to figure out how to resolve her issues with his trips.

My guess is that they both have cornered the market on manipulation, to be honest. I mean, he cries "I'm trying' and then wants to throw the towel in as soon as he reads her letter and says "oh well, what can you do?"

I do not think he should go because their marriage is in shambles and I certainly don't think he should go just to prove a 'I will do what I want, you can't manipulate me" point of power.


They need to get their act together here, they are married and have a child depending on them.

 

[poohandwendy]

Boy, do I wish some of you were right and I was making this up or not giving the whole story. Talk about a much easier solution.

Boom, there really is no way possible for you to give the 'whole' story, you are only one side of it. Your whole story is your perspective. Her whole side is her perspective. You really need to get into counselling so you both can start living on the same page and understand where the other is coming from. This is not a battle where one of you will win for being 'right'. JMHO

 

[cardaway]

How much do you know about the previous relationship that resulted in the boy? Could all of this be a repeating pattern and now you're seeing the same thing that caused your wife's ealier relationship to fail as well?

There's a reason guys are warned to avoid single mothers. Obviously not all end up with a second ex-husband, but many do. It's happens enough to be something to think about.

Be careful with marriage counseling. Sure it can make things last longer, but make sure you're not just accepting band-aids and nothing actually gets better.

 

[poohandwendy]

Marrage counselling is meant for you to both look in the mirror and see where you are coming from and where the other person is coming from (in an environment where the guns are put away)...and then to figure out where the issues are and how to resolve them.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Just because somebody tells you you can do something does not mean that is their real feeling. Sometimes they say yes because they love you and your happiness is more important than the slight unhappiness it causes them, just to not cause an arugument or other reasons. One can never know what is really at the root of a person's decision.

Being married 22 years what we do when be both disagree is the one who feels less strongly about the issue backs down. Sometime it is me and somethimes it is DH. I know that if I back down on something that DH is passionate about that he will do the same for me in the future. We may not be "happy" with the decision but we can live with the decision and go on with life.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If I am correct, they have been in counseling in the past... Then, the minute the wife gets uncomfortable, or hears something that she doesn't like, (as is her usual character) she huffs out and refuses to continue. The one poster just stated that she 'refuses' to really go to counseling or take it seriously.

I think that there is error on both parts here. Probably mostly the wife. But I think that these two are caught in a cycle of co-dependancy. Each of their issues is feeding off of the others issues.

Boom probably does not realize how completely inappropriate it is to be contacting his wife by phone and computer like that, while she is at work, etc.. while they are in the throws of an emotional disagreement!!!!

Especially when she is clearly not yet cooled down and is not ready to discuss the issue. This is just unacceptable and only results in this...

Either they should be able to sit down face to face like reasonable adults, or they should really not be married and considering bringing another child into the situation.

 

[nowellsl]

I would be beyond livid if my partner not only discussed our private life on a public message board full of strangers but also posted a letter I wrote for her eyes only for thousands of people to read. Everybody here is defending the OP but frankly, my sympathy lies with the wife. Her private business is sitting here on a public message board and that is incredibly wrong. Though I haven't read the OP's previous posts about his wife, I can tell by the comments on this thread that he has had more than one *****fest about her. The bottom line; nobody here has heard HER side yet so many of you are making a lot of judgments about her while overlooking the fact that the OP is really OUT OF LINE. You are NOT helping this marriage by telling him how right he is and how wrong she is. How would any of you ladies feel if your husband called your child an immature brat and then got on a public message board and SLAMMED you all over the place and sat back and allowed tons of other people to slam you? How would you feel if a letter wrote in confidence was published in the friggin' Internet? I know I'm not going to change anybody's mind, but I have no problem at all standing alone and saying to the OP that he is being a JERK and needs to act his age and stop pointing so many fingers at other people. If you don't love her, divorce her, but for God's sake keep your private business between you, her and a marriage counselor.

As far as your wife saying she doesn't want more kids because of the way you handle her son; my God, I agree with her! Considering your marital problems it is selfish and ignorant to even consider bringing a child into this rapidly crashing marriage.

I'm so glad you said this, I was thinking the same exact thing. It seems the OP is looking for a way out and came here for people to tell him he's doing the right thing! Unbelievable

 

[Wishing on a star]

No, I think he came here venting...

As I said earlier, by his one post, he is clearly looking for his WIFE to cross the line again, and tell him 'she' wants out, so that he feels validated in getting out.

Unfortunately, she will never be the one to end the relationshiop. She is passive aggressive, and she will put him thru hell, and then make him feel even more miserable for deciding that maybe he does want out.

 

[Nana Annie]

I would be beyond livid if my partner not only discussed our private life on a public message board full of strangers but also posted a letter I wrote for her eyes only for thousands of people to read. Everybody here is defending the OP but frankly, my sympathy lies with the wife. Her private business is sitting here on a public message board and that is incredibly wrong. Though I haven't read the OP's previous posts about his wife, I can tell by the comments on this thread that he has had more than one *****fest about her. The bottom line; nobody here has heard HER side yet so many of you are making a lot of judgments about her while overlooking the fact that the OP is really OUT OF LINE. You are NOT helping this marriage by telling him how right he is and how wrong she is. How would any of you ladies feel if your husband called your child an immature brat and then got on a public message board and SLAMMED you all over the place and sat back and allowed tons of other people to slam you? How would you feel if a letter wrote in confidence was published in the friggin' Internet? I know I'm not going to change anybody's mind, but I have no problem at all standing alone and saying to the OP that he is being a JERK and needs to act his age and stop pointing so many fingers at other people. If you don't love her, divorce her, but for God's sake keep your private business between you, her and a marriage counselor.

As far as your wife saying she doesn't want more kids because of the way you handle her son; my God, I agree with her! Considering your marital problems it is selfish and ignorant to even consider bringing a child into this rapidly crashing marriage.

I totally agree.

Yup, and as Al Bundy once so wisely said, "I seek fun, I go alone."

And you forgot the part about the OP leaving in 2 days for WDW BY HIMSELF. Yes, he had all sorts of excuses, but what it boiled down to - I am going even if my family can't or won't. So, your wife only has 1 week of vacation to your 4. Why not take the son along? It IS Disney. A great way to bond with the child. This may not be the case, but seems to me the OP seems a bit self-absorbed.

Get some counseling. Take some parenting classes. Our school district offers parenting classes all the time. They are easy to find. And grow up and start putting your family first. (Just my opinion).